CHAPTER FORTY-TWO Mike
It was ironic how I’d describe my current state of being.
When I was a real teenager, I would go through short periods of time where I wanted little interaction with others.
My isolation wasn’t often and I rarely excluded Coop.
I can’t remember exactly why, but at the time I was questioning my place in the world.
I had hair on my balls and jerked off three times a day.
All that frustrated release didn’t solve the unknown desire I felt inside. My life was confusing.
Mom would call me Mopey. She’d announce to Dad, “Hey, Mopey’s back” or “Mike is moping around again. Hope this time it’s a shorter visit from Mr. Mopey.”
Being thirteen and fourteen, I’d roll my eyes and say something dumb in response, but now that I’ve recognized I’m feeling exactly the same way as I did back then, I had to laugh about it.
I suppose if I were really seventeen I wouldn’t care, but acting mopey in my early teens hadn’t been successful, and this time wouldn’t be either.
I had to come up with a better solution to my predicament.
The parking lot interaction hadn’t gone well.
I’d tried to say I’m sorry a second time, while taking Mom’s advice and adding that I loved him, but my throat shut down.
I’d hit a roadblock on how to overcome my stupidity at being too forceful and too abrupt regarding my change of sexuality.
And it sure as hell hadn’t helped that I said I finally gave into him.
Perhaps if I hadn’t said those words, none of our current problems would’ve happened.
I might have had more time to ease us into the change.
* * *
School on Wednesday was a blur. Keeping a low profile didn’t help either. Jennifer was still pissed about my absence on Tuesday, so she was punishing me with the silent treatment. Honestly, I appreciated the break.
At lunch I was about to enter the cafeteria alone because apparently Hastings was Team Jennifer and he had immediately launched from our class at the bell, ignoring me.
When I walked in I saw the usual group at our table: Jen, Coop, Hastings, and Meg with her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Greg.
Hastings was seated beside Jen so she obviously did not save my space.
High school drama was still the same and I felt like I just couldn’t bear trying to overcome any shortfalls that I’m sure were being debated amongst my peers.
Coop wouldn’t be participating, I knew that for sure.
He knew what it felt like to be judged and he would have nothing to do with talking smack about someone who wasn’t there to defend themselves.
And despite our troubles, I felt fairly confident that he would still defend me if my name came up, and I was certain it would.
Prom was in three days and I wasn’t sure about my date status.
Jennifer would need her chosen king beside her, so she most likely wouldn’t bail on short notice.
If she’d had an extra month or so, she could’ve crafted a new scenario to create a new king from the many suitors waiting in the wings.
I wasn’t dumb, I knew what Jennifer represented in the eyes of the other males in my school.
She was entrance into rarified air, plus she was too hot for any boy who encountered her charms to say no to her. So perhaps prom was still a go for us.
I backed out of the cafeteria and decided to hang out on the bleachers after seeing the assembled clique.
I was sitting in the top row by myself for five minutes when I heard voices below me.
I listened carefully to see if I recognized them.
Barely a second went by when I heard a voice I knew, one unlike any other I’ve ever heard.
Cooper’s. The grating voice was Hastings’. They must’ve arrived shortly after me.
Slowly lifting my feet from the aluminum stands, I lay on my side on the bench seating so as not to be seen and to attempt to catch the conversation below me. Cooper seemed to be defending his position on our double date for prom.
“I don’t think we should,” he began. “Mikey and I need time to fix our friendship. Not to mention all of us being together in Jen’s car would be difficult because we’re fighting.”
I hadn’t heard he was backing out of the double date since we hadn’t been communicating either.
“No, it won’t be,” Hastings argued. “Talk to Hill and tell him to get over whatever’s up his skirt. I want to go with them.”
“I don’t know, Michael. Mikey and I never fight and this time it’s pretty serious,” he said. “And I’m not even sure he wants us to go with them anymore.”
“So I have to miss out because you pissed him off?”
“You could go alone,” Coop suggested. “I’m completely fine with that.”
“But I wanna be the guy that takes you to your first formal dance, Cooper,” Hastings said when he switched gears. “Because going is important to you, it’s important to me.” He was shrewder than I imagined.
I suppressed an instant desire to puke. There was something about Hastings’ whether it was his tone of voice or his clever way of speaking, I’m sure he wasn’t presenting an authentic package. At least I knew Cooper wouldn’t fall for a line that lame.
“Really?” Coop responded. “That is so thoughtful. Thank you, Michael.”
I was wrong.
“Totally, babe. I’m thinking about you here,” Hastings continued, slime oozing from his voice.
Calling Coop babe had certainly taken me aback. I didn’t like the endearment one bit.
“You deserve to enjoy your senior year.”
“Well, I suppose we could go,” Coop agreed.
“Great,” Hastings said. “I’ll talk with Hill and smooth stuff out. If Mike acts all tough and shit at the dance, I’ll look out for you too, babe,” he added, sounding like a bad imitation of a school thug.
“Mikey wouldn’t do that though,” Coop said, defending others as usual.
“Well just in case then. So, yeah, I’ll hit him up later about it,” he said. “Cool. Good, we’re going then, right?”
“I guess we are,” Coop responded.
“I’d give ya a kiss, but you know, school and all,” Hastings said. “I’m gonna head back and let Jen know we’re still on if she hasn’t dumped Hill by now.”
And with that, Hastings jogged off, leaving Cooper below me.
I wanted to clear my throat to let him know I was there but he looked completely dejected.
Cooper stood silently and watched Hastings disappear into the cafeteria.
He appeared defeated and small from my vantage.
I wanted to jump down and comfort him, beg him to believe what I had admitted to him, but I was frozen in place.
Getting tangled in high school romance drama would continue to be a huge mistake.
I had to find a way back to him that didn’t involve me behaving like a seventeen year old kid.
Since Cooper had accused me of acting more mature, I should do just that.
I could admit he was correct. I’d let him know I was feeling more like a man, maybe add in that since Dad had died I was trying harder to behave more like an adult.
That was what he was sensing about me so why not cash in on the allegation?
I’d mention that I was almost eighteen and had decided to act like a man which included wanting to be true to myself about my feelings for him.
There were two issues troubling me. First off, how do you act like you’re trying to be a man at seventeen when you’re really twenty-seven trying to act seventeen? Secondly, what to do once I confessed my love for him a second time? Prove it?
We were both seventeen for a couple more weeks, but I felt slightly bothered about knowing I was actually an adult in my head and he wasn’t yet.
The facts were the facts though. We were both biologically seventeen in this universe.
No laws would be broken and I shouldn’t freak myself out about it.
And the Coop I knew was inexperienced, so I imagined he’d be afraid of jumping right into a physical relationship which would provide me the cover to not feel like a creep.