Chapter 9 #2
The silence of grief fell over the table.
It was one of those awkward silences where no one quite knows what to say.
Death wasn’t a pretty topic. It was gritty; Ash learned the most about themself when dealing with grief.
They learned a nice walk will do wonders for clearing their mind, that a nap was the best way to reset when they couldn’t stop crying.
They realized death was their best motivator; if they could take oncology one step closer to diagnosing or treating thyroid cancer, they could help prevent so many deaths.
“Do you ever feel like you’re failing?” Luke asked, suddenly breaking the silence.
He didn’t meet Ash’s gaze, instead looking down at his plate as he pushed potato salad around with his fork.
“I’ve been working on this research for the last seven years, and I feel like I’m no closer to finding a novel detection method than I was all those years ago. I feel like I’m letting my dad down.”
Ash nodded in understanding. “Why do you think I stormed out of the lab the other day?” Ash’s voice was barely a whisper as they fought back the lump in their throat.
“Fuck.” Luke put his fork down and tilted his head, looking up at the ceiling of the pergola above them. After a few seconds, he met Ash’s eyes again, where Ash noted a hint of sadness in Luke’s green eyes. “I hope we can do this.”
“Me too,” Ash said as they stroked their thumb along the back of Luke’s hand.
Luke shifted his gaze to where his hand was entwined with Ash’s. Suddenly, Ash realized what they were doing and looked again to make sure no one was around. Without any hesitation, Luke tightened his grip on Ash’s hand, sending a shock through Ash’s body at the pressure.
“I’m glad we met,” Luke said, shifting his gaze to meet Ash’s. A slow smirk spread across Luke’s lips. “And then met again.”
Ash let out a breathy laugh. They, too, were glad they had met Luke.
And despite the difficulties of keeping their relationship under lock and key, they wanted to see where this could go.
It was their first official date, and Ash felt like they knew Luke better than most partners they’d had.
Never had they spoken of their cousin on a date.
It wasn’t a pretty topic to bring up. But, when grief settled close to their heart, sometimes all Ash wanted to do was talk about it.
“Can you be persuaded into some ice cream?” Ash asked.
Luke looked over at the ice cream stand. “I can always be persuaded into some ice cream.”
“What’s your favorite flavor?” Ash asked as they made their way to stand in line.
“Moosetracks,” Luke answered after a few minutes of consideration.
Ash smiled. “I knew you weren’t boring.”
Luke laughed. “What?”
“You can always tell someone’s personality by their favorite ice cream flavor. People who like boring flavors are boring people,” Ash said with a smile, glad their theory still held up.
“Well then, what’s yours?” Luke asked.
“Birthday Cake.” Ash laughed as Luke rolled his eyes.
Once they had their dessert and parked themselves on a bench, Ash licked their ice cream cone.
Sometimes, they felt silly eating an ice cream cone as a grown adult, but there was nothing silly about the way Luke’s gaze landed on them.
Like he wanted to devour them. Like watching Ash eat ice cream was simply the sexiest fucking thing.
“If you keep looking at me like that, we're going to have a problem,” Ash said with a smirk.
Luke ate a spoonful of his ice cream. “What would be the problem with that?”
“I'm not going to have sex with you in public, nor am I going to have sex with you in your truck. And if I remember correctly, it's a twenty-five-minute drive back to my apartment, and I don't know if I can wait that long.”
Luke let out of breathy laugh. “Well, I'll be damned.”
Ash licked another swipe of their ice cream, and Luke's low, throaty growl made Ash toy with their bottom lip.
Ash suddenly wanted to ask Luke a slightly invasive question they were curious about.
Ash wondered how Luke categorized his sexuality.
He hit on Ash in the bar before knowing they were non-binary, and when he acknowledged the tattoo on their arm, it clearly didn't bother him. Was Luke gay? Was he bi?
“Can I ask you a personal question?” Ash asked. “You don't have to answer if you don't want to.”
“How personal are we talking?”
“I mean, I don't think it's that serious, but you can be the judge of that.” When Luke motioned for Ash to proceed, they spoke. “How do you classify your sexuality?”
Luke let out a quiet chuckle. “You had me thinking that was a lot more personal than it was.” Luke shook his head. “I'm bisexual.”
“Me too,” Ash said.
“Do you ever feel like—well, maybe you don't, but I certainly do—that sometimes you're not welcomed by the LGBTQ community?” Luke asked, taking another bite of his ice cream.
Ash nodded. “Before I came out as non-binary, yes. It feels like sometimes we're too straight for the queer community and too gay for the straight world.”
Luke nodded emphatically. “And people think they get to decide our sexuality based on the gender of our partners.
They think we're straight when we're with someone who's the opposite gender and gay when our partner is the same gender or gender nonconforming.
But we're always bisexual; it doesn't matter.”
Warmth spread throughout Ash’s body. “You took the words right out of my mouth. That's always been the most frustrating thing for me as a bisexual, and the fact that people think bisexuality enforces the gender binary.”
There was a misconception bisexuality, because bi meant two, enforced the existence of two genders when, in fact, the definition had evolved to include more than two genders.
Ash, as a non-binary person, didn't personally feel like bisexuals discounted non-binary folks. Before Ash came out as non-binary, they had male, female, and non-binary partners. They had been asked repeatedly if they were straight or gay when their partners changed. When they were dating women, Ash’s cousins asked how they could still be bisexual if their partner was someone of the opposite gender.
Ash, throughout the years, had to explain that that wasn't how bisexuality worked. They are always bisexual, regardless of their partner’s gender.
Ash had this conversation with many bisexuals throughout the years, but never with a partner.
Every once in a while, they would meet someone, maybe even date someone, who didn't view bisexuality the same way they did, and it only ended the relationship.
But now, Ash was with a partner who not only understood, but who was also bisexual.
They felt welcomed and respected in their relationship, which, in the end, was all Ash could really ask for.