Chapter 10
Chapter ten
There was something peaceful about walking around Walmart as Luke pushed the cart and Ash checked items off the shopping list. Grocery shopping with Luke made Ash enjoy what was normally a mundane task.
They hated picking the same item up seventy-two different times just to get it home.
Ash liked to say if they ever won the lottery, one of the first things they would do is hire somebody to do their grocery shopping for them.
Ash and Luke reached for a can of black beans at the same time, and their hands brushed.
As Ash went to pull away, Luke grabbed Ash's hand, threading his fingers through theirs. Ash quickly checked over their shoulders to make sure no one they knew was around, as this Walmart was frequented by students and professors alike. Being seen showing romantic affection was dangerous, but given it was eleven at night on a Tuesday, the likelihood of any of Luke and Ash’s colleagues being there was slim to none.
They probably didn't have much to worry about.
Still, that didn't stop Ash from worrying. Things were going so well with Luke. They had been on several more dates to Big Dipper BBQ and even attended a drag show downtown. There were a few great Queens in Binghamton who put on one of the best drag shows Ash had ever been to. Ash had suggested the idea, considering Luke had never even been to a drag show, and every queer person should attend a drag show if given the opportunity. Luke enjoyed himself immensely, and once he’d had too many drinks, he didn't think twice about showing affection to Ash.
Ash loved the way Luke put his arm around their shoulders and pulled them into his side.
They loved the feather-light grace of Luke's fingers up and down their arm that made them nearly leave the show early.
When Luke peppered kisses along their neck in the dark room, Ash still couldn't feel settled. They were constantly worrying they would be found out. All they could do to prevent that was try not to show any affection in public, but Luke’s sweet nature had been making that task very difficult.
Luke didn't let go of Ash’s hand as they walked through the store, finalizing their shopping.
When Luke bent to kiss Ash’s cheek in the produce aisle, Ash didn’t even have time to look around before Luke's lips were on their face.
As soon as Luke pulled away, Ash looked around and breathed a sigh of relief when they realized no one was there.
“This is really stressful for me,” Ash said. “Sneaking around and trying to make sure nobody sees us.”
Luke looked down where their hands were intertwined. “I can stop being so touchy. Would that help?”
“I think so. Every time we touch or you get too close to me, I feel like I'm looking over my shoulder to make sure nobody sees us.”
Luke slowly slid his hand out of Ash’s, and a look flitted across his eyes that Ash couldn't quite place. “We’re not going to get caught, but I understand you're nervous, and I don't want to do anything to further that anxiety for you.”
“Ash,” Jenn’s familiar voice floated through the aisle.
Ash’s worst nightmare became their reality. They leaped away from Luke to ensure they weren't touching before turning their gaze to their old professor. She walked towards them with a hand in the air and a furrowed brow.
“Jenn, what a surprise. What are you doing here?”
“My markers are dried up; I came to get another set.” Jenn turned her gaze to Luke. “Luke, it’s nice to see you again.”
“You too. Are you still covering for Dr. Katz’s orgo class?”
Jenn laughed, light. “Oh, no. He has taken his class back. I can once again focus on my own students. How is your research going, Ash?”
Ash’s voice caught in their throat. They couldn’t breathe. They couldn’t speak. Hell, they couldn’t even think. They were out with Luke late at night. There was nothing professional about this. They couldn’t write this off as just colleagues.
Fuck, Jenn had asked Ash a question. About their research? “It’s good,” Ash eked out, throat dry. “It’s been interesting.”
“In fact,” Luke began, “we have an early day in the lab tomorrow. It was nice seeing you, Jenn.”
“You and me, both.” Jenn laughed. “Have a good evening!”
As Ash watched Jenn walk away, they realized they hadn't been breathing. When they finally took in a deep breath of air, they still didn't feel settled. Did Jenn see them so close together? How long had she been standing there? Did she know? Could she tell? And if she could, would she tell?
“Don’t overthink it, Ash,” Luke said, his voice low. “It’s going to be fine. She’s not going to say anything.”
Ash nodded, seemingly unable to form words, and followed Luke to the checkout line.
Once they paid for their groceries and loaded the car, Ash went to the front seat of Luke's truck and was still unable to relax.
Their heart pounded in their chest, and their palms had begun to sweat.
When they wiped their palms on their jeans, they were clammy again in a few minutes.
Luke didn't say anything as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove back towards Ash’s apartment.
If Jenn had seen something, would she say something?
Or would she not care? Would she even know it was against the rules?
Jenn was a mentor to Ash—would she destroy their career because of this?
But on the other hand, what did it matter to her if Ash and Luke were together?
Was it really a problem, since they were in different departments?
Even though it said conflict of interest in the employee handbook, what exactly did that constitute?
Did that mean a boss and their employee?
Did it cover two scientists doing research together?
Co-teachers? A professor and a TA or a grad student?
Maybe it had no impact on their relationship at all because there was no conflict of interest. If they stopped working together on their research, it didn't matter.
Partners did research all the time; just look at Madame Curie and her husband.
Ash toyed with their bottom lip between their teeth as they chewed on the thought of what could happen if Jenn decided to say something.
Ash wouldn't quit their job, that much they were sure of.
But would they let Luke quit? No. They couldn't let him leave a job where he was so focused on his research. But then again, Luke had said this wasn't his ideal position. He wanted to do research, not teach. Maybe it would be better to let him quit. The third option would be for them to stop seeing each other. Although Ash had only known Luke for a short time, they could see this relationship going somewhere. They’d had deep conversations about grief and death and Ash’s migraines.
Luke had cared for Ash when they were sick, which was something none of their previous partners had ever offered to do.
But was it really worth the risk to continue the relationship?
Ash hated looking over their shoulder all the time.
They wanted to be able to go on dates and hold their partner's hand and not worry someone might see them.
If Ash continued dating Luke while they were both employed at the university, that would be the reality of their relationship.
While they knew that going in, Ash didn't realize how hard it would be to actually deal with it.
The sudden stopping of the car thrust Ash from their thoughts, and when they looked to Luke, Ash realized Luke was already staring at them.
“Are you OK?” Luke asked, reaching over to put a hand on Ash's thigh.
Ash chewed their bottom lip for a moment before responding, “I'm having a hard time reconciling my feelings for you and my fear of one of us losing our jobs.”
Luke nodded. “It's not going to happen Ash. It’s going to be fine. Jenn didn't see anything, and-”
“But it's not just that,” Ash said, cutting Luke off.
“I want to kiss you in public. I want to hold your hand across the table at dinner.
I want to walk around campus with you and talk about memories from undergrad.
I don't want to keep looking over my shoulder every time we're out in public. It’s exhausting. I feel jittery and anxious all the time.”
Luke's lips parted slightly. “So what are you saying Ash?”
Ash shook their head. What were they saying? They didn't want to break up with Luke, but would it be the best option?
“I don't know; I think I'm just having a hard time. This is the best relationship I've had, and I don't want anything to fuck it up.”
Luke let out a soft sympathetic noise and squeezed Ash’s thigh. “I promise, everything will be fine.”
“But what if something happens?” Ash asked, wringing their hands.
Ash looked down at where Luke's hand gripped their thigh. They didn't want him to let go now—or ever.
“Hey.” Luke placed his fingers under Ash's chin and turned their gaze to his.
There was nothing but sincerity in Luke's eyes.
“I promise I will protect us from whatever backlash there will be.
If that means quitting and applying to jobs, I'll do it.
I know it's a lot to stake on such a new relationship, but Ash, I have never felt this way about anyone.
I've never been able to be so open and honest. Hell, I don't even tell most people about my dad because we never get far enough into a relationship where I want to tell them.
Or if I do, they don't understand, or they feel sorry for me.
People don't listen to me talk about science.
They don't want to hear about my research.
But you…you do. You stand by my side because we have a shared experience, and I never feel like I have to censor myself around you.
If I'm having a bad day or I miss my dad, I don't feel like I'm going to have to hide that from you because you understand the reality of grief. I would take all these risks because I think this could be something.”
Ash melted. Tears threatened to burn their eyes, but they blinked them back and cleared their throat. Ash leaned forward and pressed their lips to Luke’s. “I really think this could be something too.”
Luke’s smile lit up his face. “Now let's go inside before your ice cream melts.”