Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
Ash seriously did not want to teach today.
They sat in their chair at the bottom of the lecture hall, their feet on their desk.
They’d been up since four in the morning, their mind swirling with thoughts and panic about what to do with Luke.
Unable to fall back asleep, Ash went for a walk around the block before deciding there was no way they were going back to bed.
So instead, they wandered to campus, ran a few simulations of the molecular interactions, and set up for class an hour early.
Ash knew they would deviate from the syllabus today.
Instead of going over the end of one chapter and the beginning of another, they were just going to end the one chapter and let their students out early.
By now, the lack of sleep was catching up to them.
The twenty-four ounces of coffee hadn’t even helped.
All it did was make them tired, but faster.
Even just sitting in the desk chair was impossible for Ash.
They were wiggling their feet with all the nervous energy.
On their walk, Ash had decided two things: they really liked Luke, but they loved their job.
Because of this, they needed to end things with Luke.
As Ash thought about it, they realized they didn’t want to put love over their career.
This job was too important, molding the minds of future chemists, continuing their research with Luke.
Ash was so passionate about this work, and they didn’t want to do it without Luke, but Ash didn’t want to ruin their advances in science because of their relationship.
They’d both lost people close to them from thyroid cancer—this research was worth more than anything.
So, what Ash needed to do, even though it pained them, was end things with Luke.
Ash didn’t know how they would tell Luke. They had thought about it and started the sentence fifteen different ways.
So, Luke… I think we should break up.
Because of science, we should end things.
I really like you, and maybe one day, I could even love you, but I can’t justify jeopardizing our careers for this.
Luke, I can’t ask you to resign, and I think we should break up.
None sounded right to Ash because they didn’t want to break up.
Their heart was screaming at them to stop listening to their head, to make a decision that benefited them instead of a decision that benefited society.
To put themselves above others. To make themselves happy.
There was a war raging between their heart and mind, and Ash was simply caught in the crossfire.
It was hard to listen to their heart, but listening to their brain made nausea churn in Ash’s stomach.
Could they really do this? Could they really end the best relationship they’d ever had?
Hell, could they even get through this without crying?
That said something. And maybe… No. Ash couldn’t go down this road again.
They’d made their decision—they were going to end things with Luke.
As students began to trickle in, Ash’s caffeine began to wear off. They let out a big yawn as they pulled out their slides and informed their students this would be a shortened class. Their students seemed glad to hear it, especially as Ash lectured about wave mechanics and Schrodinger’s equation.
Ash worked through a few problems to explain Schrodinger’s equation, and within forty-five minutes, Ash let them go.
Once the last students filtered out of the lecture hall, Ash sat back down and laid their head on their desk.
They could take a fifteen-minute nap; no one would care.
But when the lecture hall doors opened again, Ash looked up and rubbed the sleep from their eyes.
Ash’s heart dropped into their stomach as their gaze landed on Luke.
Luke stood atop the stairs, hair a mess, flannel buttoned incorrectly, hands shoved deep in his pockets. As he slowly descended the stairs, he began speaking.
“I don’t know about you, but I didn’t sleep last night.”
Ash could barely breathe. “Me neither.”
When Luke got to the bottom of the stairs, he pulled his hands from his pockets and unfurled a piece of paper. He looked at Ash one last time before reading.
“Dear Dr. Phillips: Regretfully, I will be resigning my position here at Binghamton University, effective in two weeks. I’ve decided my ideal career does not align with one here at Binghamton.
I value the opportunity you have given me these last few years and hope to remain in contact.
Thank you very much for your guidance and support through this transition period.
Best, Dr. Lucas Hastings.” Luke placed the paper on Ash’s desk.
Ash put a shaking hand to their lips. “Luke, I can’t ask you to resign. You can’t do it.”
Luke gave Ash a slow smile. “I knew you’d say that, so I did it before I came here. I resigned.”
Ash’s gasp was thunderous in the silent room. “You resigned?”
Luke nodded. “A few months ago, I got in contact with a pharmaceutical company in the area doing oncology research. They offered me a job. Originally, I turned it down. I called them to ask if the position was still available.”
“You got the job?”
Luke shook his head. “They filled the position, but they told me they would let me know if anything else opened up. They said they wished I had changed my mind earlier—they really wanted to hire me.”
“So, what? You resigned with nothing lined up? Are you out of your mind?”
Luke laughed. “I know, it’s not the…traditional thing to do. But, Ash…you are worth the risk. I have enough money saved up to last me a few months. I’ll spend all my time applying to jobs.”
“Luke, I can’t let you do that. It’s not worth it.”
“I knew this wasn’t my forever job. This was a temporary position until I could find exactly what I wanted.”
“Why didn’t you accept that job in the first place?”
Luke shrugged. “I don’t think I was ready to leave here.
And I’m glad I didn’t. If I had, I would never have met you again.
We never would have started this relationship, which has been the best of my life.
I told you I would do anything to protect us from the backlash.
I would do anything if it meant I would get to be yours. So, here I am. I’m yours.”
Ash moved around the desk, unsteady on their feet, and fell into Luke’s waiting arms. They wrapped their arms around Luke’s waist and breathed in his familiar cologne. With fingers under their chin, Luke tilted Ash’s gaze to his. His eyes scanned theirs, seemingly trying to read their mind.
“I want this to work,” Luke said.
Ash smiled. “I think we can make this work, but I have one question: what about our research?”
“Do it without me,” Luke said. “Continue it.”
“I don’t know how to do the biology,” Ash said. “And you came up with the idea. I can’t steal your research—that’s not fair to you.”
Luke shrugged. “Then write a computational paper. You truly have my blessing. If I’m not doing it, someone should. And maybe one day, I’ll reference your paper in mine.”
Before Ash could speak, Luke pressed his lips to theirs, and suddenly, everything fell into place. Ash no longer worried about the guilt eating them alive. This, what they had with Luke, was all that mattered.