Chapter 11 #3
Ash didn’t know what to do. Part of them wanted to let Luke resign, mostly because Luke seemed like he almost wanted to.
He didn’t seem happy; maybe this was the kick in the butt Luke needed to get another job, or maybe he simply didn’t want to lose Ash and was willing to sacrifice for it.
But what did it say about Ash if they were not willing to do the same?
That they wouldn’t quit? That they wouldn’t put their relationship above work?
Did that make them a bad person? Were they selfish for that?
Never in Ash’s life had they put themself first. Their entire life had been in the pursuit of science, knowledge, and research.
Ash spent their teenage years after their cousin died researching ways to get involved in thyroid cancer fundraising.
They put together several events in their hometown.
They attended science seminars on up-and-coming research.
In college, whenever their friends broke up with someone or were having a bad day, Ash dropped everything to be by their side.
Grad school was one of the first times Ash worked for themselves.
They got a PhD for no other reason than it was what they wanted.
On the flip side, their research was thyroid cancer-focused.
Ash had a choice to make. They could put themselves first, but at what cost?
They couldn’t have it both ways. Maybe Luke resigning would be the best thing so Ash wouldn’t have to think about it.
Would there always be this gnawing sense of guilt, though?
Or would that feeling fade over time? Would it eat them alive if they let Luke resign when they weren’t willing to sacrifice the same?
By the time Ash got home, they felt no better than when they were with Jenn.
When they opened the door to their apartment, their stomach dropped.
There were too many reminders of Luke. A flannel discarded over the arm of the couch.
An empty beer bottle from last night on the coffee table.
Even Ash’s room smelled like Luke, of smoke and whiskey.
Suddenly, it was too much. Ash ran from their apartment, hopped in their car, and started driving.
They didn’t know where they were going, but they just needed to go.
So Ash did the logical thing: they sent a text to Sage, Trixie, and Michael with a single phrase: SOS.
An SOS text meant, “I need you immediately.” None of them had ever ignored the call.
It could be four in the morning, and an SOS text would be answered.
Ash was immediately bombarded with messages asking what the fuck was going on.
Ash couldn’t begin to explain, so all they said was to meet at Michael’s.
They couldn’t bear to talk about it over text.
Part of them didn’t want their friends’ opinions.
If they were being a selfish prick, their friends would tell them, and Ash wasn’t sure they were ready to hear that.
Maybe that made Ash a bad person. Maybe it did make them selfish. But Ash wasn’t willing to give anything up because they wanted it all. In a perfect world, they could. But because of this situation, they wouldn’t be able to have Luke, their job, and their research.
Ash pulled up to Michael’s house, Sage and Trixie waiting on the stoop already.
How they’d gotten to Michael’s so fast, Ash didn’t know, but they were thankful all three of their friends were already there.
Trixie’s previously bright green hair was dyed purple, which she hadn’t done in nearly ten years.
Sage wore an unbuttoned blue flannel over a white t-shirt, and Ash’s heart panged in their chest; it was such a Luke outfit, not something Sage would normally wear.
Michael strode towards the car after the other two and hopped in the passenger seat.
Trixie and Sage slid into the back, and all three of them stared at Ash, waiting for them to speak. Ash wasn’t quite sure where to start.
They hadn’t told their friends anything about Luke, other than they had slept together.
Ash hadn’t filled them in on the relationship because the last time they’d told them about a relationship that had ended suddenly, their friends were annoying about it.
They tried setting them up with other people.
They stroked Ash’s arm, telling them it would be okay.
But Ash didn’t want to hear it; they hadn’t even cared that much.
From that day forward, Ash vowed they wouldn’t tell their friends about a relationship too early on.
Ash took a deep breath, pulled the car away from the curb, and began talking. “I’m sorry for not telling you this sooner. I didn’t really know how to. I wasn’t sure what was going to come of it. But now, big things are happening, and I don’t know what to do. Do you remember that guy from the bar?”
Trixie nodded emphatically. “Sexy cowboy? Of course we remember him.”
Ash sighed. “Well, after we slept together-”
Michael interjected. “Did he ever call you?”
Ash let out a breathy laugh. “No.”
Ash licked their lips, but not before Sage spoke. “If he was the right person, he would have called.”
Ash gripped their steering wheel tighter.
“Can I get through my story before any comments?” When their friends nodded, Ash continued.
They told their friends about everything with Luke.
How they’d become colleagues and research partners.
How they started spending time together and going on what could only be described as dates.
How Ash broke the rules and finally kissed Luke.
Ash described meeting Jenn at Walmart and their subsequent conversation, leading to their SOS text.
The car was silent for a few minutes after Ash finished their story. Ash’s heart pounded as they worried about how mad their friends might be, but when Trixie spoke, that fear washed away.
“I’m sorry if we made you feel like you couldn’t tell us.” Trixie reached to squeeze Ash’s arm. “I’m sorry for anything I’ve done to force you to keep your feelings from us.”
Tears pricked at the edges of Ash’s eyes. “Thank you, Trixie. I’m sorry for keeping this from you guys, but I needed to figure this out on my own.”
“So what are you going to do?” Michael asked.
Ash sighed. “I have no idea. Luke offered to quit for our relationship, which scares me because it’s all so new. What if we break up?”
Sage makes eye contact with Ash through the rearview mirror.
“What if you don’t break up? What if Luke quits, gets a new job, and you two still get to date?
There’s nothing to say you will or won’t break up.
It sounds like your relationship is strong.
You share the same values. You both think this can go somewhere. So what’s the harm in letting it?”
“But what if it doesn’t go anywhere, and I have to feel guilty for the rest of my life because Luke quit his job for me and it didn’t work out?”
Michael let out a laugh. “Why would you feel guilty? He’s offering to resign. He wouldn’t offer if he didn’t mean it.”
“What if he’s just offering because he wants me to offer to resign? He did have this job first.”
Trixie smiled. “Ash, people don’t do that.
People don’t offer to do something big because they’re secretly trying to manipulate you to get you to do the thing.
Maybe some people do, but you wouldn’t want those people in your life anyway.
So if he gets mad because you didn’t offer to resign, he’s not the right person for you. No normal person would do that.”
Ash furrowed their brow. Were their friends right? Was Luke genuinely offering to resign? Did Ash have no part to play in this? Ash shook the thoughts from their head.
“I think I’m scared of the relationship failing after I put everything on the line for no reason.”
“What’s the worst that could happen, Ash?” Michael asked. “Genuinely? Worst case scenario, what happens?”
Ash sighed. “Luke resigns. Our relationship fails. I never get tenure because I broke the rules.”
Sage smiled at Ash through the rearview. “Then you change universities and try to get tenure somewhere else.”
Ash hadn’t thought about that. If the school refused to give them tenure, they could leave. Did they really want to live in Binghamton for the rest of their life anyway?
“Now, tell me what the best-case scenario would be,” Trixie said.
“Luke and I keep our jobs. We do amazing research and find a novel detection method for thyroid cancer. We stay together and live happily ever after,” Ash said.
“While that first part sounds unlikely,” Michael started, “it doesn’t sound unrealistic to me. You never know. You two could meet up in a job later in life and continue your research. You don’t have to keep doing something you don’t want to do.”
Ash desperately wanted to believe their friends, to believe everything would work out, but something deep in their heart kept telling them it wouldn’t.
Ash wasn’t sure what they were going to do, but their friends were right—if Luke was offering to quit his job, then maybe Ash should let him.
Ash drove around for a while, continuing to ponder what to do.
Their friends offered sound advice: talking to him, Ash applying for jobs, asking Luke if he was even happy at Binghamton.
But in the end, Ash knew they just needed to sleep on it.
As a chronic overthinker, they needed adequate time to think.
“Thank you for talking me through this,” Ash said.
Michael squeezed Ash’s shoulder. “That’s what we’re here for. You know we have your back.”
“And once everything is worked out, I want all the salacious details of your relationship,” Trixie said, mischief in her eyes.
Sage let out a long laugh and met Ash’s eyes one last time in the rearview. “It’s all going to work out, Ash, one way or another.”
Ash knew that was true. Eventually, it would all be fine, but that didn’t help Ash from freaking out.
“Come on. Let’s go do something fun,” Ash said. They turned left on Main Street and made their way to Jupiter Games.
Jupiter was a nondescript white building; if you didn’t know it was there, you would probably never go.
The sign had seen better days, and the entrance was around the back.
Ash led their friends inside, and they were met by the slightly musty smell of the board game store.
The rug, which was probably installed in the eighties, was fading.
The dim fluorescent lights made it hard to see the various games on the shelves.
Ash made a beeline for the counter and asked the clerk for the binder of Magic: The Gathering cards under ten dollars.
Every time they came in, they were on the hunt for a particular card that made a fuck ton of zombies.
It just so happened that today was their lucky day; there was one copy of that card in the binder.
Ash paid and slid the card into their pocket.
“Now we’re never going to win against you,” Michael said, sliding up beside Ash. “That card is not fair.”
“If it wasn’t fair, it would be banned,” Ash said with a smile.
Ash playfully elbowed Michael before following him downstairs, where Trixie and Sage were already setting up a board game.
This was what they needed—a distraction.
After three hours, they were feeling significantly better.
They were thankful for their friends. Even when they annoyed the hell out of Ash, they could count on them.
And thank fuck for that.