Chapter 11 #2
Ash followed Luke from the building silently. Was this what shock felt like? Ash’s limbs were numb. Their head swam like their brain was underwater. Their vision was blurry. Ash’s heart pounded in their chest like a time bomb. You’re fired. You’re fired. You’re fired.
Ash shook the thoughts from their head. They didn’t know that yet.
They didn’t know what Jenn was going to say.
They couldn’t be certain she was going to tell the Dean.
Ash didn’t want either of them to lose their jobs.
They knew starting this relationship would only lead to trouble.
They should have kept it together. They couldn’t believe they had been so careless.
Throughout their whole life, Ash had been careful.
They never stepped out of line. The most reckless thing they did was drink in college, which was so normalized, Ash barely counted it.
Ash had set their career ablaze just a few short weeks into it.
If they were fired, would they ever find another job?
Would any other university hire them if they knew Ash knowingly broke a university policy?
Luke bought Ash a chocolate croissant and walked beside them in silence towards their office. When Luke tried to reach for Ash’s hand, they pulled away like they’d been burned. The hurt in Luke’s eyes was too much for Ash to bear, and they nearly broke down on the spot.
“We will figure it out, Ash,” Luke said, lowering his voice.
But Ash couldn’t believe him. There was something deep in their gut that told them this would only end in disaster.
Luke dropped Ash off at their office, leaving Ash alone to wait for Jenn for another fifteen minutes.
They paced the small space, not taking in the scattered papers and books across their desk.
They could have cleaned up instead of pacing mindlessly, but it wouldn’t have done anything to calm their mind.
The seconds ticked by like hours, and Ash couldn’t wait for this conversation to be over.
They needed to know what Jenn was going to say. They just needed to know.
The soft knock startled Ash from their pacing, and they raced to the door, opening it to reveal Jenn.
Ash couldn’t take in her black curls or the bright floral pattern of her blouse.
All Ash could do was search her expression for any hints.
But where Ash expected to see disappointment, they only found concern.
Jenn raised a cup of coffee towards Ash. “I brought you your favorite: milk and sugar with a splash of coffee.”
Ash let out a breathy laugh as they took the coffee. “Thanks, Jenn. Come on in.”
Ash led Jenn into their small office and gestured to a pair of old leather chairs in front of their desk. Ash sat in the chair beside Jenn, perched on the very edge of the cushion.
“What did you want to talk about?” Ash tried to hide the shake in their voice, but even they could hear it as they spoke.
Jenn shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Ash, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
Jenn took a long, deep breath. “What are you doing?” When Ash didn’t respond, Jenn continued. “I know you. I know you’ve read the employee handbook. So what are you doing with Dr. Hastings?”
Ash’s hands shook as they put their coffee down on their desk. They locked their fingers together in their lap and shook their head. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, Jenn.”
Ash told her everything. How they met Luke before the semester, though leaving out the more intimate details. How they tried to not pursue a relationship. But how, eventually, they couldn’t deny their feelings any longer.
When Ash finished their story, Jenn leaned forward and put a comforting hand on Ash’s forearm. “I’m not going to tell the Dean.”
A weight fell from Ash’s shoulders at Jenn’s words. “Thank you. I’m sorry to put you in this position.”
“I’m not done,” Jenn said. “I’m not going to tell the Dean, but you need to figure out whether you value your job or your relationship more. You can’t keep doing research with Luke and pursuing a romantic relationship with him. It’s a conflict of interest.”
Ash fell back in their chair. “Jenn, I’ve known you a long time. You know me. I would do anything to continue my research.”
“Which is why I’m so surprised to see you jeopardizing it.”
Ash nodded. “But I also care about Luke.”
“You can’t have both, Ash.”
“I know.”
Jenn nodded. “As long as you know that. I didn’t want to do this, Ash. I wish I didn’t know. But I will keep your secret. Others won’t be so kind.”
Ash clenched their hands into fists in their lap. They always knew the day would come when they would have to choose between Luke and their job, but they didn’t realize it would happen so soon.
***
“How did it go?” Luke asked as he walked into Ash’s office twenty minutes later.
Ash took a long, deep breath and told Luke about his interaction with Jenn.
“What do we do now?” Ash asked.
“Jenn said she wouldn’t say anything. So…we just be careful.”
Ash sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “Luke…”
Luke let out a breathy laugh. “You can’t be serious, Ash. We got off scot-free.”
“This time. What happens if another professor sees us? Or, fuck, even the Dean? We’re just supposed to keep our relationship under wraps?
How are we supposed to do that when we live in the same fucking city as our colleagues?
How will we go on dates? Will we just sit at home and watch TV?
That’s not a relationship, Luke.” Ash gestured wildly as they spoke.
Luke shook his head. “So you would rather break things off than try to make this work? Is going out together all that’s important to you?”
“That’s not what I meant, Luke.”
“Then what the hell did you mean? Because it sounds a lot like you care more about this job than you do me.”
Ash took a step towards Luke and took his hand. “Luke, I really like you. I think this relationship could go somewhere. But is this worth losing our jobs? Losing everything we’ve worked so hard for?”
“So what, Ash? You want us to keep working together but not date? How the hell is that going to work?”
Ash shook their head. “It’s not. I’ll step back from our research. I’ll find someone in the chemistry department who needs a fellow researcher.”
“I’m not happy here; I was considering leaving before the start of this semester, but working with you has made me want to stay. I don’t want this to end,” Luke said, his voice catching.
“I don’t either, Luke.”
Luke shoved his free hand into his pocket. “What if I resigned?”
Ash licked their lips. “Let’s not do anything rash. We should sleep on it, reconvene tomorrow with fresh minds. We’ve had a long day, and it’s only half over. Let’s just take a break and talk tomorrow.” Ash put a hand to their head. “I think I need to lie down.”
“Are you getting a migraine?” Luke asked, taking a step forward to Ash.
Ash backed up. “I’m just feeling very overwhelmed and could use a nap.”
“Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
“I think I want to walk. I’ll text you later?”
Ash didn’t want to leave Luke alone right now, but their head was spinning.
They would scream if they heard Luke offer to quit one more time.
Ash felt guilty Luke was even considering it, mostly because Ash wasn’t.
No part of Ash was willing to quit their job.
They loved this job. They were finally starting their career, and they needed the money.
Luke had been settled for a few years and would probably be fine for a few months, but Ash would be fucked. They had nothing.
Luke’s hurt expression just made the knife of guilt dig deeper into Ash’s chest.
“Let me know if you’re feeling better later.”
Ash desperately wanted to kiss Luke, but their head was muddled enough already. Instead, they squeezed Luke’s hand quickly before walking out of their office and down towards the student union.
Ash didn’t want to go home, but they needed to get away from school.
Away from Luke. Away from these problems. So, they made their way to the student union.
The union was a large room with couches and chairs, a coffee shop, and a student center.
Ash grabbed a cup of coffee and made their way downstairs.
The bottom floor of the union was a wonderful hangout spot.
There was a large study space that used to be a pool hall, a six-lane bowling alley, and a room with a stage and leather couches where student bands would play occasionally.
Sometimes, the late-night club, which was a space for students who didn’t want to drink, held movie nights down there, but that had all been replaced by tables and chairs where students worked.
Ash hadn’t spent a lot of time down here. They played a few rounds of pool with their friends, but once it had been converted to a study space, they stopped coming down. The bowling alley, with its uneven lanes, wasn’t the best, but it was better than nothing.
Ash wandered down the hallway past the mailroom before turning around and walking back. After pacing the length of it three times, Ash finally ascended and started their walk home.
It was a shame Ash was so stressed they couldn’t enjoy the fall weather.
The crisp air nipped at their cheeks, and the trees were beautiful shades of orange and red.
Leaves littered the ground and scattered every time the wind blew.
The crunching of leaves under Ash’s feet, which normally excited them, barely registered.