Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
Shane
“I seriously can’t believe I met Anna Peterson today,” Kinsley gushes. “And not only that, but I got a signed special edition and a picture with her.” She holds her book to her chest and leans against the bookshelf, her eyes filled with happiness.
I’ve learned from spending time with her the past few weeks that it’s hard for her to be genuinely happy. I can see it in glimpses here and there, but it’s rare that she lets the guilt completely melt away and simply enjoys the moment.
But every time I see her smile like this, it makes me want to do everything in my power to make her understand that it’s okay to be happy. That just because she’s smiling and laughing and enjoying her life doesn’t mean she no longer cares about what happened to her late husband and baby.
“And to think, when I woke up this morning, I was trying to plot how to escape you.” She winks playfully, and I chuckle.
“Speaking of which …” I glance at my daughter, who’s busy piling books into her basket, to make sure she’s out of hearing distance. “I know Taylor has quickly adopted you as her book bestie or whatever she calls it, but I promise, it’s okay to tell her no sometimes. She’ll live.”
The second the words are out of my mouth, I instantly regret them. “Fuck, I meant …”
I’m racking my brain, trying to think of a better way to word what I was trying to say, when Kinsley gives me a sad smile and says, “It’s okay. I know what you meant … and didn’t mean. People do it all the time, and I promise that despite being a bit messed up, I’m not that fragile.”
“I’m sorry,” I say anyway. “I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you. If I lost Taylor …” The mere thought of losing my daughter causes my heart to clench in my chest.
I don’t even know how the hell Kinsley gets up every morning and functions after losing not only her daughter, but her husband too. She might not realize it, but she’s so damn strong.
“It’s hard,” she says, “but the truth is, your daughter has helped me more than she knows. She got me reading again, something I hadn’t done since my entire life had changed, and hanging out with you two is the most I’ve gotten out since they died, aside from going to work and the occasional night out forced on me by my family.
“And I’m not saying this like I’m trying to use your daughter … I know I lost my daughter, and she isn’t coming back, and I would never try to replace her. But,” she chokes out, tears filling her eyes, “sometimes, when I’m with Taylor, I imagine what it would have been like if my daughter had survived.
“She’d only be three years old, but …”
She sniffles back a sob, and I pull her down the aisle and into an isolated corner of the store where nobody can see us, not wanting to have this conversation in the open. I’d rather have it in private, but when Kinsley is willing to talk, I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
“I get it,” I murmur once we’re alone. “And trust me when I tell you, when she looks at you, she wonders what it would be like if her mom was capable of being a mom.”
“I don’t want to judge her mom,” she says, “but I don’t know how she can go weeks or even months without seeing that precious girl.”
“I don’t know,” I agree. “I guess for her, it’s out of sight, out of mind.” I shrug. “She’s not a bad person. And in her own way, she loves Taylor. She calls and texts, and they video-chat. When she has time, she visits and brings her stuff from the places she’s been to. But she just wasn’t meant for the full-time mom life.”
Kinsley nods in understanding, then shocks me when she says, “After I lost Brenna and Brandon, I told myself that I would never get married and have any more kids. After all, I had my chance at a family, at being a mom, and I destroyed it. But sometimes, when I’m around Taylor, I think about what it would be like … to carry a baby to term and give birth to her the right way, like I was supposed to with Brenna. Only instead of her being stillborn, she would come out warm and crying. The doctor would lay her on my chest, and I would promise her that I’d do everything I could to be a good mom.”
Kinsley releases a strangled sob, and I reach out to wipe her tears.
“You already are a mom,” I tell her.
She shakes her head, more tears sliding down her face. “No, I’m not.”
I reach up and palm her cheek, and surprisingly, she nuzzles into my hand, accepting the comfort.
“Yes, you are,” I say. “You carried her for months, then gave birth to her. She’s just in heaven now. But I have no doubt that if given the chance, you’d be an amazing mom again. I see it in the way you are with Taylor. One day, you’ll be given a second chance, and you’ll get to hold your baby and tell them all about their sister who’s looking down on all of you.”
“No.” She shakes her head harder. “That’s not going to happen because I’m not having any more babies. The doctor said that due to the placental abruption that occurred when I hit the pole, I might have a harder time conceiving.”
“Might doesn’t mean you can’t,” I point out.
“No, but I don’t want to,” she murmurs. “I was given the most beautiful gift, and I couldn’t keep her safe, and it makes sense that my punishment would be that I not only lose her and my husband, but that my body also has a lower chance of conceiving. It’s like it’s the universe’s way of telling me that I had my chance and I ruined it.”
“Stop,” I say, swiping my thumb under her eye to wipe her falling tears. “It was an accident. Do you think I’m a good dad?”
“You already know you are.” She rolls her eyes.
“Well, what if we got in the car right now and I got into an accident and Taylor died? I hadn’t been drinking or doing drugs. It was raining, and I hit the road the wrong way and?—”
She gasps, covering my mouth with her hand. “How did you … how did you know?”
“What?”
“That’s what happened,” she says. “We were in Miami for our babymoon, and it was raining, and I hit a patch of water and hydroplaned, losing control and hitting a pole.”
“Oh, Kins.” I frame her face with both hands. “I didn’t know. I was just using that as an example. But you didn’t answer me. What if it was me driving? Or hell, Brandon? Would you think I’m a bad dad? Would you be looking down on him from heaven, thinking he was a horrible husband and father?”
“No,” she chokes out. “I know you’re a good dad, and I can’t imagine blaming Brandon, but it’s just so hard. Every time I’m enjoying myself, I feel like I shouldn’t be because they don’t get to. I know it’s absurd because he loved me and would’ve wanted me to be happy, but I was supposed to be happy with him … with our daughter.
“The night at The Black Cat was the first time I let myself go. Drinking and dancing with you … kissing you. But then I got home, and the guilt consumed me.”
“I can’t tell you how to feel,” I say. “But I know that if I were lucky enough to be with you and something happened to me, I would want you to move forward and find happiness. Maybe it’s because as a paramedic, I’m exposed to death more often than most, but it’s made me see how precious life is, and it shouldn’t be wasted. Every day, I wake up and try to live my life as if it’s my last because the fact is, it very well could be.”
Kinsley nods in understanding as she sniffles back her cries.
“I want to do that,” she admits. “I want to live my life. I just don’t know how.”
“Let me help,” I tell her, sliding my hand around to the back of her head and gently pulling her face toward mine. “Let me help you live again.”
“How?” she whispers, her mouth only inches from mine.
If I wanted to, I could lean in and kiss her, but I don’t want to do that. I want it to be her choice.
“Kiss me.”
“What?” she breathes, her beautiful blue eyes widening in shock.
“Kiss me, Sour Patch. Kiss me and let me help breathe life into you again.”
She stares at me for several seconds, and just when I think she’s going to tell me no, she leans in the rest of the way and presses her soft lips against mine.
We stay like this for a few beats, and as much as I want to take over, I stand still, letting her lead the way, needing for it to be on her terms.
And then her lips curve around mine, and her tongue slides between my lips, and I take that as my cue to take control.
Tightening my hold on her hair, I tug her toward me so our bodies are flush, and then I deepen the kiss. Our tongues tangle around one another, and when mine catches hers, sucking on it and getting a taste of her sweetness, she moans into my mouth.
The loud noise in the otherwise quiet bookstore has her opening her eyes and realizing where we are.
“Oh my God,” she breathes, her cheeks tinged that adorable shade of pink. “What is it about you that has me losing my mind and letting you kiss me in public places?”
She scrunches her nose up, and without thinking, I lean in and kiss the tip of it.
My hand lands on the wall, and my body presses up against hers.
“Actually,” I say, running my lips across her cheek and over to her ear, “you kissed me both times.”
I’m considering kissing her again because, fuck, I can’t get enough of this woman, but before I can, I see Taylor rounding the corner.
“There you guys are!” She huffs. “I’ve been looking everywhere for …”
She stops in her tracks, her perceptive eyes taking in the situation. With Kinsley leaning against the wall and me caging her in with my body pressed up against hers, it’s obvious what we were just doing.
“Oh, actually, I’m just going to go,” Taylor says with a knowing grin. “Continue on.”
“Not happening,” Kinsley mutters, ducking under my arm. “Let’s go.” She links arms with Taylor and glares back at me. “Your dad is trying to get us kicked out for PDA.”
Taylor barks out a laugh. “Who knew my dad had game?”
* * *
“Technically, we have one and a half movies left,” Taylor says on our way home, “since you totally passed out within the first half of the second movie. Plus, I took off today to go to the book signing, so I don’t have to be anywhere the rest of the day. I’m just saying, today would be the perfect day to finish the movies.”
I’m about to tell Taylor that it’s not happening and we’re dropping Kinsley off at home, that she’s given us enough of her time and she probably has things to do, when Kinsley says, “You’re right. And it’s probably best if we watch them during the day because I’m the worst at staying up late. But we’re only watching them on one condition. Your dad needs to make us ribs again because they were so good, and I’ve been craving them ever since he made them the last time.”
Taylor glances my way with a look that says I’d better say yes. So, of course, I have to give her a hard time.
“Sorry, kid. I was planning to order Chinese.”
Taylor glares, and Kinsley laughs.
“I’m kidding.” I glance over at Kinsley, who’s sitting next to me in the front seat. “You want my famous ribs? All you have to do is ask.”
* * *
“Oh my God, I’m so full.” Kinsley leans back and rubs her flat stomach. “Those are the best ribs ever. You should consider opening your own restaurant.”
I chuckle and reach over to wipe the corner of her mouth that has some sauce on it. “If I had known food was the key to your heart, I would’ve offered to cook for you sooner.”
She rolls her eyes, but since she doesn’t attempt to flee at the mention of her heart or me touching her, I take that as a double win.
Once we’ve done the dishes, the girls grab snacks and drinks, and we pile on the couch to watch the movies. This time, instead of Kinsley shying away from me when I sit next to her, she snuggles into my side, laying her head on my shoulder.
I don’t know what that means, but it feels like there’s been some kind of shift between us after our conversation at the bookstore. One that I’m not even sure Kinsley is aware of.
Reaching into my pocket, I pull out my box of Sour Patch Kids and pop one into my mouth. Kinsley glances up at me, and I think she’s going to give me shit for eating my favorite snack, but instead, she opens her mouth, silently asking for one.
I reach in and grab a red one and set it on her tongue. Within seconds, her face puckers, making me laugh.
We watch the movie for a few minutes before she reaches into my box and pops another one into her mouth.
“Ugh, why are these so damn good?” she mutters, looking up at me.
“It’s the sweet and sour,” I tell her as my eyes lock on her plump lips, wishing I could kiss her. “I’m telling you, it’s the perfect combination.”
Her cheeks tinge a beautiful shade of pink, telling me she knows I’m referring to her and not the candy, and then she rests her head back on my shoulder, but not before taking another one and eating it.
“Be careful,” I warn, my voice low so Taylor can’t hear. “They’re addictive.”
“I think I’ll take my chances,” she murmurs, grabbing one more.
* * *
Not even thirty minutes later, soft snores fill the room, making Taylor and me lock eyes and quietly laugh.
“She’s not a very good movie watcher,” Taylor says, pausing the movie. “At this rate, it’s going to take us a month before we finish them.”
“I think she’s emotionally drained,” I tell her, thinking back to our earlier conversation at the bookstore. “All of this is a lot for her. She’s spent the past few years isolating herself from everyone.”
“When she told me she lost her husband and baby, my heart hurt for her,” my daughter says softly. “She’s so nice, and I hate when bad things happen to good people. Sometimes, life can be so unfair.”
“Yeah, it can be,” I agree.
“So, are you going to wake her up or let her sleep?”
I glance down at Kinsley, sleeping peacefully. “I think I’m going to let her sleep.”
Taylor shakes her head but grins. “Okay, then I’m heading to bed. Casey has texted me a million times, wanting to tell me about her and her new boyfriend.”
Taylor heads up to her room, and I switch from the movie to a game that’s on, letting Kinsley continue to sleep.
* * *
At some point, I must’ve fallen asleep as well because when I wake up, I’m met with sleepy blue eyes staring up at me.
“Morning,” I rasp.
“Morning,” she says lazily, making no move to get up. “I don’t think we finished the movie.”
I chuckle. “No, and Taylor joked that it’s going to take a month to finish them.”
Kinsley groans and sits up. “I can usually stay awake.” She pouts, her brows bunching together. “There’s just something about … this house that has me passing out.”
“You mean there’s something about me,” I say, refusing to mince words. “You’re comfortable, Sour Patch. In my home, in my arms. And it allows you to fall asleep.”
I expect her to deny it, so I’m taken aback when she says, “Yeah, it’s you. But, Shane …” She sighs. “I feel like I’m leading you on because I know you want more from me than I’m capable of giving you.”
“I just want you,” I find myself saying. “However I can get you.”
“You say that now, but eventually, you’re going to want to get married and have more babies. Look at how close you are with Taylor.”
“How about we just take it one day at a time? No labels or promises. Just enjoy each other’s company.” I tip her chin so she’ll look at me. “Okay?”
“Okay,” she breathes. “I can do that.”
“Good. Now, as much as I love cooking, I have to get to work this morning, so how about we grab some breakfast, and then I’ll drop you off on my way to work?”
“Where’s Taylor?” she asks, glancing around.
“Right here,” Taylor says as she descends the stairs with her bag draped over her shoulder. “And I’m about to be late to school.” She rushes over and gives me a kiss on my cheek and then gives Kinsley one as well. “Have a good day! I have cheer practice and work, so I’ll be home late. Love you!”
“Wow, she’s chipper in the morning,” Kinsley notes.
“It’s the cheerleader in her.”
While I get ready for work, Kinsley insists on taking Becky for a quick walk. Usually, in the morning, I just let her out into the backyard to do her business, but if Kinsley wants to walk her, I won’t stop her.
* * *
When we arrive at Thea’s Breakfast Nook, everyone stares at us curiously. It’s a small town, and with me being a local firefighter and having lived here my entire life, I know just about everyone.
“Shane,” Thea says with a smile. “How are you doing this morning?”
“Good,” I tell her. “Just grabbing some breakfast before work.”
“And who is this beautiful woman?” Thea asks, smiling at Kinsley.
“This is Kinsley. She owns Exposed Ink, the tattoo shop downtown.”
“Oh.” Thea’s eyes light up. “How fun! I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo,” she says to Kinsley. “A little butterfly or unicorn.” She waggles her brows, and Kinsley stifles a laugh. “Maybe one day, I’ll get brave enough or drunk enough and actually go through with it.” She winks. “Your mom and dad come in often, so it’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” Kinsley says, her eyes filled with mirth. “And anytime you want to come in, just ask for me.”
“Will do,” Thea says, showing us to our table and setting the menus down. “Take a look, and someone will be with you shortly to take your order.”
“What happened to refusing to kill all the unicorns?” I murmur once Thea is out of earshot.
“To see that woman, who is probably in her eighties and has never been inked, get a tattoo would be worth killing a unicorn.” She smirks, grabbing the menu. “Now, tell me what’s good. I’m starved.”
“Everything,” I say honestly because I’ve yet to eat anything here that wasn’t delicious.
While we eat, Kinsley gushes about how she still can’t believe she got to meet one of her favorite authors, which leads to who she’d love to meet in the future, and while she talks, I can’t help but think about how much she’s changed in the month since I met her. She’s laughing and smiling and talking animatedly. She might not want to admit it, but I’m totally growing on her.
After paying the bill, I swing by her place to drop her off.
“Thank you for this weekend,” she says, sounding almost shy. “I had a good time. Even if it started against my will.”
I bark out a laugh. “Does that mean I’ve earned your number?”
Kinsley shakes her head and grins. “Not a chance. I had a good weekend, but not that good.”