25. Meredith
Chapter Twenty-Five
MEREDITH
I’m still breathing hard from the stress of Mother walking out to the pool while Logan was underwater, and I hope to God I haven’t caused any damage.
He kissed me thoroughly, and part of me wondered if I was covered with his marks. Just to be safe, I cinched my pool robe up high to cover most of my throat.
My mother hums as I pad into the kitchen after looking over the back fence to make sure Logan is gone.
I really panicked, and I feel bad for shoving him underwater. But it would have been much worse if she’d found him there, locked onto my mouth.
It would have been awkward and stressful for all involved. Right?
“What are you humming about?” I wasn’t expecting her back until tomorrow, and I’m not super happy about her being home early.
I really have to get my own place.
And I’m halfway there, saving all my paychecks from Logan except for what I absolutely need.
“You’ve just put on a little weight since I’ve been gone. You should really watch your carbs, honey.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I’m not surprised that she’s criticizing my weight. She always has, even when I was a chubby preteen who just hadn’t grown into herself yet. I knew this was coming, but I can’t say I’m excited about it. “I’ll do better.”
“Looks like you ordered pizza. You know pizza goes right to your hips, Meredith.”
“Maybe a little hip isn’t such a bad thing, Mother.” I can’t help but talk back.
I’m grown up now, and I’m tired of feeling like a scared teenager.
She holds up her hands. “I’m not judging. I just don’t want you complaining when it’s time to have your beach body.”
I won’t be complaining. I’ll be huge.
I bite my lip and stalk upstairs to my room.
“Meredith, don’t be so sensitive!” she calls after me, but I ignore her, heading to shower off and then towel-drying my hair, putting on a big T-shirt, and plopping into bed with a huff.
I’d hoped I’d have more time to be with Logan, but that clearly isn’t happening.
I text him, Sorry I almost drowned you.
Logan: I’m alive .
I grin.
Me: You’re coming with me to the OB?
Logan: Wouldn’t miss it. I’ll meet you there tomorrow at nine.
I smile down at my phone and then there’s a light knock on my door. I put my phone under my pillow as my mother opens my bedroom door.
“I’m sorry we quarreled.” She walks in and sits on the edge of the bed. "I just gained so much weight with you and Grayson, I worry that you’ll be like me.”
I look her up and down. “Mother, you’re as thin as you ever were.”
She points at me. “Only because I work at it. Unfortunately, us Merricks have to stay away from carbs and work out to keep our figures. You know your grandmother struggled with her weight all her life.”
I only remember Grandma as rotund and happy, but I just nod. “I’ll be careful.”
I do want to be more careful about what I put in my body now that I’m carrying a child, but I’ve been so nauseous and yet hungry at the same time. I wish I could talk to my mother about it, get her advice.
My heart aches.
I wish she would just understand me.
“Mother?”
She turns to me. “What is it, Mere?”
I swallow hard. “One day, when I have kids… What’s it like? Being pregnant?”
She laughs softly, patting my knee. “You’ve got plenty of time to worry about that.”
“I’m just curious. I want to know… what to expect.”
She sighs. “Well, it isn’t easy. It seems to be, for some women, but unfortunately, I wasn’t one of them. Your grandmother had difficult pregnancies, too, so it runs in our family. I gained fifty-five pounds with Grayson, and forty with you.” She pauses. “Of course, I was thin as a rail when I got pregnant with your brother.”
“How old were you?”
She winces. “Nineteen. Far too young.”
I bite my lip. At least I’m a lot older than nineteen. “Did you have morning sickness?”
She snorted. “With Grayson? No, not at all. With you? Call it all-day sickness. I could barely keep down water and crackers, the first five months.”
“You had a more difficult time with me?”
She nods. “I was higher risk–gestational diabetes. You were a big baby, you know, eight pounds and five ounces.”
I never thought about it, but my mother had natural labor with both of us, which means she pushed out all eight pounds and five ounces of me. It makes me wince.
Mother smiles. “It was all worth it in the end. It will be for you, too, when you decide to start a family.”
It wasn’t really a decision I made. It just... happened.
I’m scared, Mother.
That’s what I want to say. I’m scared that she and Dad will disown me. Scared that Grayson will hate both me and Logan. Scared that I won’t be a good mother or that Logan will leave me again.
There’s just so much to be scared about.
“I was made aware of something while I was in Aspen.”
I blink at her dropping that sudden bombshell.
“You were?”
“I met with a friend that knows the sheriff and she told me about your little job.”
I curse inwardly.
“I don’t know why you felt the need to keep it from me, Meredith. I’ve always supported you.”
Have you? Have you really?
“I just didn’t want you to think that I wanted to leave immediately or anything.”
She sighs heavily. “I suppose all birds must leave the nest.” She strokes my hair. “It’s just hard…”
I reach over and hug her, feeling suddenly emotional. “I’m not just going to up and leave, Mother.”
Even though that was exactly what I had planned to do. Not anymore.
This baby has changed a lot of my plans.
“Of course not. You’ll have to save plenty and access your trust fund even more.” She stands up. “I’ve been looking at houses...”
“I thought I’d just get an apartment, Moth?—”
“Whitlocks don’t live in apartments.” She sounds highly offended, and I can’t help but laugh.
“All right, maybe not. But I don’t need a big place?—”
“There's a couple of places I want you to look at with me.”
“Mother, I really think I can do this myself.”
“No one said you couldn’t.” She’s already turning to leave the room. “Just humor an old woman, would you?”
“I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, so I can’t until Tuesday.”
She whirls around to face me, her blue eyes narrowing. “Why? Are you sick?”
I shake my head, feeling nauseous. “Nothing like that. Just a stomach bug.”
“I could drive you.”
I take a deep breath and try not to panic. “My friend Dina is driving me already. Thanks anyway.”
Please don’t push.
Thank God, she doesn’t, just nods. “Let me know if you need help with the bill.”
Then she’s gone, out into the hallway, and I can breathe again.
I look at my phone. I still want to talk to Logan, but I also don’t want to bother him like a teenager all over again.
I bite my lip, texting him. Close call with Mother.
Logan: Everything okay?
Me: Fine, just… it scared me. I’m sorry I haven’t told her.
Logan: It’s okay. I get it.
But does he? Does he really understand what a big deal all of this is for me?
Logan has always been the only way I rebelled against my parents. I’ve always done what they said, gone to the schools they offered, followed their rules. Until Logan came along.
And after he left, I tried to continue to do what they wanted. I’ve never had my own life.
Logan is the glimpse of that life I’ve always wanted. The husband I want. The family I want.
Is it selfish to still want it? After he hurt me so badly?
I don’t know. All I know is that now I’m having his baby, and I have to deal with it. I’ll make a decision about telling them tomorrow, when we hear from the doctor.
At this point, I have to.