Chapter 28
Chapter twenty-eight
The snow had slowed to a light flurry as the afternoon wore on. The sky was darkening as the sun started its descent behind the mountain. They sat on the sofa, Rosa between Billy's legs, watching in comfortable silence.
The meal they'd shared had been nothing more than a quickly thrown together montage of tapas, meze, and cicchetti. Rosa had called it an indoor picnic.
"Are you warm enough?" Billy asked, reaching for a second blanket to pull down on top of them.
Rosa twisted her neck to look up at Billy, smiling. "Yes. But I won't complain if we add another blanket." She moved back into her original position and sighed. "This is nice, don't you think?"
"I do think." Billy smiled, kissing the top of her head as she manoeuvred the blanket over them both. "I was just thinking…is it okay to ask you something…personal?"
"I guess you can ask," Rosa said, her body tensing just enough Billy noticed.
"Of course, and you don't have to answer. It's just…earlier, you said there hadn't been anyone since…me. And I guess, I was wondering why that was?"
"It wasn't a conscious choice…" Rosa answered. "There wasn't space in my life for anyone else really. Everything was…in those first few years, especially, just about survival. Making sure Imogen had everything she needed, I didn't have the chance to consider what I might need."
She twisted a little again so she could look at Billy.
"Honestly, I missed you. The idea of anyone else…it just…left me cold…and I didn't go anywhere to meet anyone, so…" She shrugged. "It wasn't something I really thought much about."
"Did you miss…intimacy?"
She laughed. "Sometimes…but having a toddler sprawling all over you with sticky fingers and snot…really knocks the sexy out of you."
"I guess…when you put it that way." Billy smiled at that explanation. "But…later, when Imogen was at school and she was visiting Mum, and me…you had more time for you."
Rosa nodded. "I did, yes…and I went on a few dates."
"But?"
"I just couldn't imagine bringing anyone else into Imogen's life. It had been disrupted so much already." She twisted back into her original position. "I couldn't risk letting someone else close who might leave."
"I think that's understandable." Billy's arms squeezed more tightly around Rosa.
"If I'm honest, Billy, that still feels real now. The fear of letting you back in, disrupting Imogen, and then…"
"That won't happen again, Rosa."
"You said that before…" Rosa let her head fall back. "The day we got married."
"And I meant it," Billy said. "And if I could go back and change all the things that went wrong, I would…
in a heartbeat… But I can't, and I've accepted that and drawn a line under it, and all I can ask is that you look at the woman I am now and you make your choices with that in mind. I mean it when I tell you I love you."
"Love has never been our problem. I've never felt unloved by you, but it wasn't enough, we still fell apart…but I hear you and I'm here and willing to try, but it has to be on my terms."
"And those are?"
"Like I’ve already said, I need this to be slow. You can't rush me. This isn't something I can just walk back into because it's you… I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and I need time to fall back into that with you."
"Alright…" Billy grinned, ideas forming. "So, does that mean…you want me to woo you?"
"Woo me?" Rosa laughed at the old-fashioned term.
"Yeah, go on dates, and send flowers…you know…surprise you with small tokens of my affection."
"No. Nothing that would give Imogen reason to question us. I need this to be…subtle."
"Behind Imogen's back?"
"That's not how I'd describe it, but…yes. I need that for now. Until…"
"Until?"
"Until we're both sure this is going to work."
"Alright. That sounds like—" Her phone rang. "Can you reach that?"
Rosa leaned over and grabbed the mobile, reading the screen. "It's your mum," she said, passing it to Billy. "I'm going to the bathroom."
"Okay." Billy watched Rosa get up before she answered the call. "Mum, how's it all going?"