Dottie 15.
I can tell you the last time I met the parents. 2005. I was 16. It was a disaster. I tripped on the threshold of their house. Tried to break my fall on their credenza but ended up breaking a family heirloom vase. Nervously burped in the mother’s face. Broke the ice with an unintentional racist slur. And ended the night with a consolatory blow job in which I was too gung-ho, choked myself and threw up in his lap.
Now that I think about it, he never actually broke up with me, so I guess we’re still dating.
“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!” I hiss under my breath as Ezra leads me up the front steps of his family’s compound. “I didn’t think you meant for me to meet your family this fucking soon. Who does this? We barely know each other, and you want to introduce me to your parents? Your aunts?” This man is crazy. Certifiable. And yet…I’m still following him into this massive compound.
Ezra chuckles beside me, squeezes my hand, and pulls me through the foyer and into a sitting room. Oh, wow. That’s a lot of people. I swallow hard, square my shoulders and plaster a smile on my face. Ezra laughs harder. Bastard.
“Dot!” Ruthie spots me from across the room. My shoulders relax as she drags Zeppo along to greet me. Ezra grunts as she pushes him out of the way and wraps herself around me. I sag into her warm embrace, thankful for a familiar face, and for Ruthie herself. She’s a sweetheart. Just like Sophia.
“Dorothy.” Zeppo dips his chin in greeting but doesn’t make a move to touch me. Instead, he reins Ruthie in, bringing her to his side.
“I’m so happy you’re here! Family breakfast is the best. Sit by me.” I nod with a smile.
“Ezra, introduce us to your girl.” My spine snaps straight at the older woman’s voice. It’s kind but firm. I turn from Ruthie and my jaw drops at the beautiful woman in front of me. Dark complexion like her sons, long thick hair threaded with silver, slim build, taller than me by at least half a foot, with a pearly white smile aimed my way. I’m surprised most by her casual attire. I glance around the room again and notice all the women are in jeans and t-shirts, except one.
“Mom, dad, this is Dorothy Goldman. Dot, my parents, Aaron and Judith.”
“It is a pleasure to meet you both.” I hold out my hand to his dad first. He looks so much like his sons, handsome and distinguished. If Ezra takes after his father, I’ll be in good company as we get older. A little thrill shoots up my spine at the thought of us growing old together. I shake it off and focus on Ezra’s parents. His father takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, then pulls me into his body for a proper hug. I’m passed to Ezra’s mom next. I close my eyes tight, pushing down on the emotions that swell unexpectedly. I’ve never hugged my own mother, our nanny Conchata was generous with her affection, but kept it to behind closed doors so as not to draw suspicion from my parents. If she had shown too much, she would have been replaced and disposed of swiftly.
“We are very happy to finally meet you, Dorothy.” I surreptitiously wipe under my eyes and sniffle, as I pull back.
“Please, call me Dot or Dottie.” I subtly wave off Ezra when he looks at me with concern. I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fucking fine.
“If you’ll call me Judi.” I nod. “Dottie. You’re more beautiful than Ezra described.” Judith tells me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and steering me further into the room.
“Men often lack the proper words to adequately describe a woman’s attributes.” The well-dressed, regal woman teases as we approach her.
“Ain’t that the truth.” Judith laments with a grin. “Dottie, this is my sister from another mister, and the matriarch of the family, Esther Holofcener.”
“Ruthie’s mom.” Esther’s polite smile widens.
“I love it! Usually, people call me ‘David’s wife’, or ‘Moshe’s mom’, or ‘Sarai Ima’. I’m Ruthie’s mom, and damn proud of it.” She opens her arms and instinctively I walk into them. She hugs like her daughter, all-encompassing and wonderful. “Welcome to the family, Dottie.”
“Oh.” I try to pull back, but she’s surprisingly strong for a slender woman not much taller than myself. “We aren’t—”
“Ezra brought you to family breakfast.” She says, like that should clear everything up. I guess in a way it does. He’s never brought anyone else here. That thought has my tummy flip-flopping with excitement. He likes me! He really likes me!
I mean, I already knew that. He’s said as much. But his actions speak volumes.
Esther, rather than Ezra, takes me around the sitting room to make the introductions. David, Moshe, Seril, their adorable baby boy Shon, Suzie, Hank, and Zilv. Morris and Sarah, Jonah, Harper, and Sophie. Steven and Gertie.
Gertie rolls her eyes as she glances at her watch. “My children are never on time.”
“Ma’am.” An older woman says from the doorway.
“Yes, Devorah. Is breakfast ready?” Esther asks.
“In a few minutes. The guardsman at the gate phoned. Miss Dottie has visitors.” My entire body tenses. Oh. No.
“No. No. No. No.” Everyone in the room goes on alert, I can feel the tension thickening by the second. Ezra is at my side immediately.
“What is it?”
“My sisters.” I say ominously.
Ez looks at the doorway, then back to me with a shrug. “Had to happen at some point.”
“But it didn’t need to be today. They probably followed us here!” I’m not surprised, none of us know how to mind our own business. But still.
“Bring them in here, Dev, and please set three more places at the table.” Devorah nods, spins on her heel and disappears.
“I’m so sorry.” I say to Ezra’s mom and aunts. “I did not invite them here. I would never do that—”
“Honey.” Esther places her hands on my shoulders and tilts her head toward the other ladies. “We understand what sisters are like. No need to apologize. We’d do the same thing in their shoes.”
In minutes, my sisters arrive, introductions are made, and they are each engaged in conversations with different family members around the room. Ezra uses our clasped hands to swing me around and into his arms. My body against his, he leans down and kisses me softly.
“I don’t want to freak you out.” Ugh. That means he’s going to freak me out. “But having you here, with my family, your sisters too…feels right.”
I don’t even try to hide the smile from his words. “Grr.” I lean my head against his firm chest and let his heartbeat soothe me. “I know. I’m still mad at my sisters for crashing my ‘meet the family’.”
“Or maybe they’re here because they have your back and you never have to face anything alone.” He whispers wisely in my ear. I growl again, because I refuse to admit he’s right. “You have the Goldman girls and now the entire Kosher Nostra at your back.”
“Huh.” I never thought of it that way. “I’m invincible!” I crow, laughing as he shuts me up with his lips and tongue.
“We’re here bitches! Where’re my waffles!”
Ezra grunts into my mouth, before pulling back. “I had hoped you would be spared.” Uh. What now? “Tovah and Tevye. The devil’s twins.” I snort, shake my head at him, and lean to the side to see around his body. The name is unusual, but common amongst Jewish families. It is. Shit. This is about to get awkward.
“They’re your cousins?”
Ezra lifts a shoulder, his brows pinching, “Kinda. Not by blood, but…” He must see something on my face, because he cuts himself off. His head swivels back and forth between Tovah, Tevye, and the squirmy little boy in Tevye’s arms, and me. “Wait…did you…?”
“Uh-huh.” There’s no point in lying. “Once. It was…hmmm.”
“Fuck. What does ‘hmmm’ mean? You fucked Tevye?”
My eyes snap to Ezra’s. “Tevye?” I shake my head, my eyes drifting back to the cousins. “No. Tovah.”
“YOU FUCKED TOVAH!”
Everyone in the room instantly stops speaking and they turn in unison to stare at Ezra and I. Awkward. Almost wish there was an heirloom vase to knock over. I bite my bottom lip to stop any unintentional racial slurs from slipping out. Sophia and Rose are hiding their laughter behind their hands. Blanche is…well, I don’t know what that look means.
“Polka Dot!” Tovah says enthusiastically. She saunters over on her long, long legs. She eyes me up and down, her interest obvious. I fight not to preen under her scrutiny. Our night together was memorable, to say the least. Before she can touch me, Ezra growls and stands in front of me. I snicker, biting off the sound when Ezra glares at me over his shoulder.
“Tovah,” he says sternly. She stops, meets his eyes and the smile she gives him is eerie. A predator eyeing their prey. But not in a sexy way. In a she-will-totally-rip-out-his-jugular-with-her-teeth way. Fuck, she’s as hot as I remember.
“She your girl?” Ezra hesitates for a moment before nodding curtly, and I’m not even mad. Tovah is intimidating. “After breakfast, what do you say the three of us head back to my place and get cozy?”
“What the fuck?” Ezra spits.
“Don’t worry, little buddy. We won’t cross swords.” Several people choke, splutter, laugh, and Tovah’s mom throws her hands up in defeat.
“You don’t have a sword.” Zilv supplies happily from a few feet away. The excitement on his face is childlike and would be cute in literally any other situation than my boyfriend confronting one of my past lovers who also happens to be his sort of cousin. Oh my God, I’m a segment on a daytime talk show like Maury Povich or Ricki Lake or Jenny Jones.
Tovah holds up a finger, “Not true.” The room collectively groans. “I was knighted several years ago; therefore, I am an honorary sword carrying knight.”
“Bullshit. When? Who knighted you?” Jonah asks.
“I was knighted by a princess.” Tovah crosses her arms over her chest and juts her hip out. Confident and delusional, a dangerous combination.
“Are you talking about that actress at Disney Paris you snuck away with?”
Tovah grins like the Cheshire Cat, licks her lips, drops her arms to her sides, and turns away from Ezra and I to address the room. “Yes, Sophie, I am.” A sinister laugh escapes her. “Blanche.” Oh shit, they know each other.
My sister stalks through the room, she walks around a stationary Tovah, her eyes dragging up and down Tovah’s luscious body. She stops when they are toe to toe. I blink and they are fused at the mouth. Arms and hands and tongues.
“I think I might be sick.” I say quietly, one hand on my stomach, the other over my mouth. Ezra spins around, his face alarmingly pale.
“ You might be sick?”
“She had sex with me and my sister!”
“My cousin had sex with my girlfriend and my future sister-in-law!”
“Children. Children. Settle down.” Tovah has apparently detached herself from Blanche. She has a cocky smirk on her face. “As Bon Jovi would say, I’m only halfway there. Before the night is over, I plan to intimately acquaint myself with all your future sisters-in-law. Four-peat for the win!” She holds out her elbows for Sophia and Rose. Blanche laughs and I breathe in and out through my nose to quell my nausea, when they both giggle girlishly and loop their arms with hers.
“Your fault, Gert.” Steven says disappointedly to his wife.
“You were there when they were made, Steven! You’re just as responsible as me!”
“Uh.” Devorah stands in the doorway to the sitting room once again. She looks around, steps aside for Tovah, Sophia, and Rose, then finds Esther in the crowd. “Breakfast is ready.”
“I’m afraid, once again Tovah has ruined everyone’s appetite.”