Help Me, Mona
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Mona says, opening the door to her studio apartment. She wears black leggings and an oversized black sweater. “Even at work, you don’t talk to me.”
Sighing, I walk inside and sink into the couch. She pours me a vodka soda and hands it to me.
That’s my best friend.
“I don’t want to hear you say it, okay? That’s why I’ve been avoiding you.”
“You don’t want me to say what?”
“I told you so.”
“Ohhh!” she says, laughing, and sits down with a rum and coke in her hand. “What happened?”
I turn to face her, my elbow resting on the back of the couch. “The app isn’t quite what it was advertised as being.”
“How so?”
Giving her a rundown of my experiences makes me feel even more foolish than I already do. I was so confident. Everything sounded great, but it’s terrible. Absolutely horrible.
And her laughter at my pain does not help. I want to grab her dark hair and yank it out of the clip I know she spent far too long perfecting as payback.
“You’re lying,” she says, stirring her drink with a straw.
“About what?”
She studies me. “There’s no way this guy really shit in the elevator.”
“That’s not the worst part. That came after telling me about his cousin who took his virginity for fifty bucks. After he paid her fifty for a blowjob. AND… she still comes around when she’s in need of cash.”
Mona bursts out laughing. “Oh God. Okay, so that’s the worst date. What’s the second worst?”
How the hell do I even rank these? “Um… watching my fake date get head from the bride at her own reception? That was weird. And really only something you read about. I had to fight tulle to get away from them. Have you ever tried to fight a wedding gown that needs its own car to travel? It’s not easy. ”
“And where does the cowboy rank?”
“Honestly? That was the best date.”
A loud laugh fills the air as she tips her head back, her body shaking. “That’s terrible.”
The others all kind of fall in line together. There’s nothing that really trumps one over the next, so they’re all tied.
“Tell me again how the biker fell off his bike.”
I’m two drinks in now, so I set the glass on the coffee table and demonstrate for her. Hitting the floor of her apartment hurts a little more than I anticipate, but I laugh as I think about how the concrete must’ve felt to Benny B.
“Oh! I forgot the best part about him!”
“There’s something better than that and the leather?”
“His blond hair was taped to his forehead and came off with his baseball cap.”
“No!”
“And he traded a Prius for a Harley because, and I quote, Fuck the man. He also ended everything he said with a question. Do you know how annoying that gets?”
She snorts and slaps her knee. “Explain.”
“It’s like ending every statement with, right? Or when someone adds, You know? At the end of every fucking thing he said.”
“Oh my God, Holly,” Mona cackles, her hand on her side. “I can’t take anymore.”
Her laughter is almost as bad as hearing her say “I told you so,” which I know she’s dying to do right now. Thankfully, she realizes how vulnerable I am, and even she’s not that cruel. She likes to be right, but she isn’t a total bitch.
“So, I guess the dry spell is still going strong.”
Right. I haven’t mentioned Decker to her yet. “Um… no.”
“Holly, no! None of these guys are worth—”
“It wasn’t someone from the app.”
The alarmed look disappears as she leans back and relaxes, her right hand on her chest. “Thank God.” It takes a moment, but she sits back up. “Who?”
“Decker,” I say and wince.
“No!”
“Yes.”
Her jaw drops, and she fans herself with the hand she just had resting on her chest. She’s so damn dramatic.
But she’s not wrong about how hot it was. The first time she met him, she asked me how pissed I’d be if she gave him a test ride after learning I had a crush on him.
The answer was: I’ll hate you forever.
“Was it as good as I imagine it would be? God, I don’t know if I want him to be fantastic or terrible. If he’s terrible, it would explain the string of one-night stands.”
“Um…” I say, trying to sound casual even though I haven’t gone more than thirty minutes without thinking about our time in the shower since it happened. “He’s better than fantastic. The best I’ve ever had.”
“Tell me everything!”
Her drink gets set on the coffee table, completely forgotten, and she stares at me like I imagine followers focus on their cult leader.
“It was right after the elevator fiasco. I was traumatized and had to shower. I told him about—”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the story. What about Decker? How did you get him naked?”
Smiling, I pick up my drink and glance down at it.
“He offered to help me find relief. He may have heard me with my toy a few times. Which is bad enough, and I kind of thought he was joking, so I invited him to join me in the shower. Turns out, he was not joking. The erection as he hopped into the shower with me showed just how serious he was.”
“You had shower sex with Decker Thomas?” she hisses, eyes wide. “And it was good?”
“His tongue and nipple aren’t the only pierced parts of his body.”
A shaky breath escapes her parted lips. “Tell me you tasted that metal.”
I shake my head. “Didn’t get a chance. He took care of me, only getting off after I cried out three times.”
“Three?”
“That tongue piercing is fan-fucking-tastic. And there are two piercing down below. Base and tip. Both are honestly mind-blowing.”
“If you’re lying to me about having sex with Decker, I might actually kill you right now,” Mona says, her face more serious than I’ve ever seen her.
Hand up, I shake my head. “Swear to God. After I got off with him kneeling before me, he lifted me off the ground and gave me another. Set me back down, turned me around, and took me from behind with my legs closed. I didn’t even know it was possible, but it was ridiculous.”
“And you’re not at home screwing him right now? Are you stupid?”
I sigh and lean against the arm of the couch. The ice has melted and watered down my drink, and I set it down, no longer interested. “It’s… It was a one-night thing.”
“He told you that? Were you bad?”
“No!” I gape at her, honestly offended. “Go to hell.”
“Sorry, I just… if it was that good—”
“Decker Thomas,” I remind her.
She frowns. “Playboy.”
“And my brother’s best friend. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s had five women since we showered together. But he did say something kind of weird.”
“You’ve heard these women?”
Shaking my head, I rest my head on the back of the couch. “No, he hasn’t been bringing them back. Probably stays at their place to get off and then comes home.”
The words taste bitter on my tongue. I don’t like thinking about Decker with other women, but it’s a fact of life. I’ve witnessed too much to pretend otherwise.
“Okay, what did he say that was weird?”
“He told me he’s not going to fuck me again until I’m no longer dating around.”
“Holly!” she hisses, leaning forward.
She’s drunk, and I can smell the rum as she’s close enough to kiss me. “Mona!”
“You have your storybook romance relationship right here! Three whatever the fuck they’re called in one! Fuckboy. Check. Brother’s best friend. Check. Roommate. Check!”
“He probably likes to have women who aren’t with other men, but he can be with other women. But there’s more than just Decker.”
“Who?”
I also haven’t told Mona about Tyler. That’s another I told you so that I don’t need in my life, but I’ve already jumped off the cliff. Besides, things have been a bit… charged between us at work. Tyler’s eyes linger just a few seconds too long, but we haven’t talked. So I don’t actually know.
“I think there was a moment with Tyler.”
“Say what?”
“It was when we worked late on that project. Did you know he and Rachel broke up?”
She nods. “I follow her on Insta. She’s traveling around in a van. Good for her, but like, what the fuck?”
Mona’s take on the world, and her unfiltered commentary makes me laugh. She’s definitely the black cat energy in our friendship, and I love it.
“Yeah, I found that one kind of strange, too.”
“So, he hit on you?”
I open my mouth but close it again. Was it really hitting on me?
“Maybe? I don’t know how to explain it, really.
It was just… I told him about the date because he overheard you say I had a second one, and then I told him about the app.
He then told me about Rachel, and nothing happened, but I kind of think there might’ve been if we hadn’t stopped it. ”
“What’d he say?”
“He’s a very sexual man.”
Her eyes widen. “I don’t think I can ever look at Tyler O’Neal the same way again. But there’s your office romance.”
“Then there’s the barista from the night I met the cowboy. His name is Ken, and he’s cute. And flirtatious.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“No, that was on the boots of my date, remember?” I say and grimace. “Ken was nice, and he gave me a free biscotti when we thought I’d been ghosted. Plus, we know how much I love coffee.”
Laughing, she shakes her head. “What the hell do you need this app for, anyway? You have a third potential love interest with a semi-meet cute. Seriously, Holly, the only good things this app brought you were good stories and other men to potentially fuck.”
“I’m just not sure I’m ready to give up on it yet.”
Another lie. I was ready two dates ago, but I’m too stubborn to admit defeat.
“The longer you wait, the higher your chance is of adding yet another man into this whole mess. How many tropes are you planning on going through still? Because you have, what? Three men from six dates? That’s one man for every two tropes.
You’re going to have a reverse harem thing soon if you don’t settle down. ”
“I don’t know what to do, Mona,” I admit. “I still believe this is my chance to finally get what I want, but I’m also wondering when enough is enough and if I should cut my losses. I just want my happily ever after.”
Mona just sips her run and coke. “Mmhmm.”
Thanks. Super helpful.