Chapter 8
8
T he next day, Lawson was up with the sun. That wasn’t unusual for him, or any of his brothers, but this time he had barely slept the night before. His thoughts had swirled around in his mind, keeping him awake. He kept envisioning the storm again. The wind, the sound, the horrible feeling in his gut that this might be the end for him.
He was thankful they made it through, even though Harper had lost so much. He remembered the words of the weatherman who came to speak at his elementary school. “We can get you a new house and new things. You need to find a safe place because we can’t replace you.”
That was true for Harper. Only she hadn’t lost a house because she didn’t have one. She had lost the vehicle she traveled in and all her possessions.
Maybe that’s what was bothering him now. She had lost everything, because what she had was so little. She had chosen to live a nomad life. He tried to focus on his work for the morning, but it felt like he was going through the motions while his mind was elsewhere.
At lunch he rode his horse, Thunder, toward the house. He was early, but he decided it would be best to eat. Maybe then he could get back to work and focus on what needed to be done.
The object of his thoughts sat right there on the front porch. Lawson watched her as he drew near to the house. Harper rocked back and forth in one of the rocking chairs his grandfather had built years ago. She held a coffee mug in both her hands, but she wasn’t drinking it.
Lawson usually thought rocking on the front porch was relaxing, but Harper didn’t look relaxed at all. Her eyebrows were lowered, and her mouth was pulled back in a straight line. She remained silent as Lawson dismounted and tied his horse to the hitching post in front of the house. The heels of his boots thudded across the porch as he moved toward her.
He took the seat next to her and rocked for a few moments before he spoke. “Hey,” he said, “are you alright?”
Harper turned and looked at him as if he surprised her. “Um,” she said quietly. “I, uh, I don’t really know.”
Lawson felt the strongest urge to pull her into his arms and hold her until everything was alright. But he wasn’t sure that would help. Holding her wouldn’t change the fact that she lost everything.
“I’m really sorry for what happened.”
She looked at him with wide eyes. “Lawson, without you, I’m not even sure what would have happened. Yes, I lost my car and everything I own. But if you hadn’t acted so quickly, I might have lost my life too. I probably would have been driving my car trying to figure out where to go.”
Lawson reached out and lightly touched her arm. The simple contact sent a shiver through him. “I don’t believe that. You would have gotten to safety. You’re strong and independent.”
Harper’s eyes filled with tears as he spoke. “I don’t know. I want to be independent and strong, but now I feel helpless and I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t even know when I will be able to leave here.”
Lawson’s heart crashed against his ribs. “Will you go on to the next rodeo when you get a car?” As he said the words, he found himself hoping it wasn’t true. He wanted her to stay here, so he could get to know her better.
Harper shook her head. “At some point. But the rodeo grounds at the next two rodeos were both damaged, and we’re not sure what will happen. And I don’t know how long it will take me to find a car.”
“You know you can stay here as long as you need to.”
Harper stared at him with a blank expression. “Why?”
Lawson furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“Why would your family want me to stay? They don’t even know me.”
Lawson smiled. “That’s the thing about the Macklins. They don’t have to know you to help. My parents have always said that God gave them this ranch and this house, and they will share it with whoever needs it.”
Harper tilted her head. “Do you believe that?”
“What?”
Harper took a deep breath before she said, “That God gave them the ranch? I mean, like He is in control of everything?”
Lawson looked away and stared at the ground. He had been repeating words like that his whole life. He scratched his head as the thoughts that he hadn’t shared with anyone swirled in his mind. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve grown up hearing those things and going to church.” He scratched his head. “I don’t know, religion has always been part of my life, but I wonder if I believe all of it anymore. Just seems like nice stories for kids. It’s easy to say God gave you something when it’s good, but the more I see of the world, the harder it is to think that God is in control of all the bad things that happen.”
Harper nodded. “I feel the same way.”
Lawson waited for her to say more then prodded. “Do you mean about what happened with the storm?”
Harper was quiet for several moments. Then she shook her head. “No, not just the storm.”
Lawson couldn’t help himself and pushed her for more. “What else?”
“My brother,” she said firmly.
Lawson swallowed. He remembered hearing her mention her brother to Sierra, but he hadn’t asked her about it. “What happened?”
Harper stared out over the vast space of the front yard. She remained silent for a long moment, and Lawson wondered if she would tell him anything at all. He was about to say she didn’t have to answer the question, when she spoke.
“We were best friends. I was only sixteen months older than him, so I don’t remember life before he was born. My parents raised us to be friends, and we were so close in age that people even asked if we were twins. So when Noah wanted to compete in rodeos, I did too. I wasn’t great, but I tried out barrel racing and roping. He was great. Noah did everything: broncs, bulls, roping. He even worked as a rodeo clown a few times. Everyone loved Noah. He lit up the room everywhere he went.
“Sometimes I felt like I was in his shadow, but I was proud of him.” She paused and took a few breaths. “Then one competition, he drew a mean bull. He laughed out loud when he saw the name. He loved the thrill of competition, and the better the bull, the more he liked it. But that ride was awful. I had seen him get thrown before, but this was different. He wasn’t in control at all. The bull threw him, and he crashed into the wall. It was like it was happening in slow motion. I watched his body go limp as he fell to the ground.” She grimaced at the painful memory. “I knew right away that it was bad. I don’t remember moving down to the arena, but I made it to him and stood close as the medics came to him. The ambulance came and they rushed him to the hospital.” Harper stopped and stared off into the distance as if the rest was too painful to say. Finally she gathered herself. “My parents came, and we stood in his room together when the doctor told us that he had hit his head. He had severe brain injuries and wouldn’t wake up. I sat by his side while the machines breathed for him. It seemed impossible that my perfectly happy, healthy brother was never going to open his eyes. He looked like he was lying there asleep.” Harper lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “But there was nothing to be done. We knew Noah would want to help someone else by donating his organs, so mom signed all the paperwork and we waited. Then I held his hand as they turned off the machines.”
She breathed out and sat quietly.
Lawson broke the silence. “I’m so sorry, Harper.”
She glanced at him and nodded. “Thank you. That’s what everyone said then, and what they say now. I’m sorry too. I lost my best friend, and I don’t know, I guess I just gave up on God after that.”
Lawson felt the words he had heard his whole life creeping up, threatening to come out of his mouth. His parents would have said, God hasn’t given up on you, God was with you through the hard times, or maybe even, God had a plan . But he pressed his lips together and shoved those words away. They wouldn’t help Harper now. Even if it was true, why would she want to trust a God who took her brother away?
He sighed. “I can’t imagine how you felt. I’ve never lost someone like that. But I know bad things happen every day, and I understand why you would give up on God after that.” Was he making the same choice now too? He didn’t let that thought sink in. “So, what made you become a rodeo photographer? I mean, after what happened, that sounds like it would be hard to do.”
“I was already photographing rodeos. I started when Noah got serious about competing. I couldn’t keep up, so I became his photographer. We were sending things out to brands and companies for sponsorships. When he died, I considered walking away. I skipped a few rodeos and almost sold all my camera equipment. But then I realized that a rodeo was the place I felt closest to him. When I walk into an arena, I can see him looking around and smiling, all the excitement building up. And I can almost hear his voice.” She gave a half smile. “I feel like I can keep his memory with me if I’m involved with rodeo. Even if I’m terrified for every rider I take photos of.”
She looked at Lawson, and the fear in her eyes gripped his heart. It almost made him want to say he would never ride a bull again. But then again, it was how he had met her, and how he would see her again. He didn’t want to give that up. “I’ll be careful,” he said. He chuckled. “Besides, I may never get to compete at that level. So far, I’m not sure I’m very good at it.”
Harper smiled and shook her head. “Actually, you are. Everybody takes a while to get used to it. But I’ve watched a lot of beginners, and you’re going to be good.”
“Really?” Lawson asked, his eyes opening wide in surprise.
“Yep. I would love to say, please quit. But I can see that you love it, and if you keep at it, you could be great.”
Lawson heard the words she didn’t say. That she wished he wasn’t good. He wished he could tell her he would quit, but she was right. He already loved it. And anything he could do for more time with her wasn’t something he would quit.
Harper sighed and stood up. “Anyway, I guess we should go in and eat. We don’t want to keep your mom waiting.”
Lawson smiled then, pushing away the seriousness of the conversation. “Don’t worry. She’s not waiting on us. She’s lived on a ranch her whole life. She knows cowboys can’t always show up on schedule. We do our best for dinner, but lunch time is flexible.”
“I’m sure you have work to get back to though. You don’t need to spend your time listening to my life story.”
Lawson reached out and put a hand on her arm. “I would like to. I enjoy talking with you.” She looked away from him but he continued. “I mean it. I don’t always feel like I can talk to my brothers. They’re so happy here with their lives. I want to be happy, but I just feel like there has to be something else out there for me.” He shrugged. “I guess I’m still searching for it, and it’s hard when it seems like everyone else already found it.”
Harper looked him in the eyes and nodded. “I know exactly how you feel.”
“I know,” Lawson said softly.
As if in silent agreement, they moved toward the front door. As Lawson pulled open the screen door and let her walk through in front of him, he felt like he had connected to her in a way he hadn’t before with any other person.
And he desperately wanted to keep that connection.