Chapter 9
9
T he sun shone brightly in the window on Sunday morning, and Harper put her arm over her eyes to block it. The house was quiet. Too quiet. It gave her too much time for her thoughts to run wild. They were doing all kinds of crazy things like imagining spending more time with Lawson Macklin.
Sure, if he continued on the rodeo circuit, which she was sure he would, they would see each other. But there was no way she could be anything more than friends with him.
She had no plans to get involved with anyone. Her life as a nomad was comfortable, and even though she couldn’t say she was settled, she was used to it.
Lawson might enjoy the thrill of the rodeo, but she had seen the way he looked at his brothers and parents. He might say he’s searching, but what he wants is to settle down with a family.
That wasn’t for Harper.
She glanced at the clock and groaned. Had she really agreed to do this? Could she actually go to church?
When Mrs. Macklin, Lydia, as she had asked Harper to call her, said that the family would be going to church in the morning and that they would love to have her join them, Harper couldn’t find a reason not to go. How could she say no to the family who had been so kind to her? Especially when she obviously didn’t have anything else to do. No, she supposed she would just have to go. Yes, it would be uncomfortable and awkward, just like every other church she had been to before she decided to stop going altogether. That was back when her brother had just passed away, and everyone told her God had a plan, God was still with her, and God cared about her. But if God had a plan for her brother to die, Harper didn’t want to have anything to do with it. And if God was still with her, she sure didn’t feel it, and maybe she didn’t want Him to be if He was the kind of God that would do all this to her.
Oh well, she would just go to church, sit there, and smile at the Macklin family who had taken her in, just to show her appreciation. It didn’t have to mean anything. She didn’t have to take the words to heart or try to pretend like she agreed with them. At least Lawson would be there, and she knew that he felt the same way she did or at least he said he did. She wasn’t sure he could totally agree with her. After all, compared to her, his life seemed like sunshine and rainbows. If she was part of a family like the one Lawson had, maybe she would think God was real. Maybe she would feel like God had a good plan for her life. Then again, she didn’t want to be a fair-weather believer. If she wasn’t going to believe in God when life wasn’t great, she wasn’t going to believe in Him when it was good either.
A soft knock on the door startled her. “Harper,” Lydia‘s sweet voice called out. “Coffee is ready, and breakfast will be on the table soon.”
Harper cleared her throat. “Thank you. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” She climbed from bed and moved toward the bathroom for a shower. A small quiet voice in her heart said that she did have the things that Lawson had. After all, at least for right now, no matter how short the time was, she was with the Macklin family. And she felt like she was truly a part of it. She shook her head as she reached in to check the water temperature. No, they would do that for anyone. That was just how the Macklins were. She could tell. Soon she would leave and go back to her nomad life, never really belonging anywhere.
Still, as she began to get ready to go to church for the first time in a long time, she felt like she could enjoy this little bit of time that she was part of a family.
Twenty minutes later, she walked into the kitchen. She had dressed in a dark blue long- sleeved dress that Katie had given her. They had been planning to go shopping, but Katie hadn’t had time yet. She promised that they would make time this week. As much as Harper appreciated the clothes, she wanted to be in something that belonged to her. She never would have bought this blue dress, although when she saw herself in the mirror, it did remind her of when she was younger. Back when she owned more feminine things and wore a dress on occasion. Now all she owned was jeans and shirts that were suitable for her work and life on the road. She had purchased a long, black romper once when she was asked to photograph a wedding. She felt it was appropriate, but once she arrived, she remembered that it was a cowboy wedding held outdoors, and the bride and groom were on horses. She most definitely could’ve worn her jeans.
The smell of fresh hot biscuits wafted in the air as she poured herself a cup of coffee.
“Good morning.” Lawson’s voice from the dining room table surprised her. Harper looked up at him.
“Oh hey, I didn’t know you were here.”
Lawson smiled. “I never miss Sunday breakfast. Well truth be told, I never miss breakfast at all. But Sunday breakfast is always something special. Sometimes pancakes and waffles or even stuffed French toast. But it’s not just about the food, it’s the only day that I have time to linger a little bit over breakfast.”
“Oh?” Harper said. “I thought cowboys never got a day off.”
Lawson nodded. “That’s true. But on Sundays, we get up and hurry through the most necessary chores. That way we can all get to church together. Sawyer created a schedule for us to be on call, and we rotate through it so I only have one Sunday every seven weeks.”
“That’s nice,” Harper said. “At least, it’s nice to have a day off.” She wrinkled her nose. “I’ll be honest, I’m not really sure about the going to church part.”
Lawson picked up his coffee cup and took a long drink as he looked at her. He looked thoughtful when he said, “Are you sure you want to do this today? You don’t have to.”
“I’ll be alright. I know I don’t actually have to, but I feel like I should. Your parents have been so nice to me, and I was a total stranger to them. They didn’t have to do that. I know that this matters to them, and they would really like me to go. So, I’ll do it.” She looked at Lawson. “I’m sure you know what that’s like.” She looked at him with her eyebrows raised. She kept her voice down in case anyone else was around. Especially since it seemed like there was always someone else around the Macklin house.
Lawson lowered his eyes as he stared at the table, but he gave a very short nod. “I know that my parents would be extremely upset if I stopped going to church. So, I go. I liked it when I was a kid, you know? All the Bible stories and the worship songs. It seemed nice back then. I guess I’ve just become more jaded as I've become older and seen more of what the world really is like.”
Harper opened her mouth to agree with him, but she heard the sound of cowboy boots thudding down the hall, so she snapped her mouth shut.
“Hey everybody,” Titus said as he walked in the door. “Smells good in here.”
Harper gestured to the counter. “There’s pancakes on the table. Coffee with cream and sugar is over there.” Lawson looked at her with a crooked smile, and she realized that she had unintentionally made herself the hostess. “Oh, I guess you probably knew that. You’re used to this, aren’t you?”
Lawson and Titus chuckled. “Yeah,” Titus said. “Mom likes to make a special breakfast on Sundays, but she gets everything out and leaves it for us while she goes and gets ready for church. She likes to take her time. I think it comes from when we were growing up, and she always had to get all of us boys ready every morning and be with us. But on Sundays? My dad took over the responsibilities of getting us ready for church, so Mom could have some time to herself.”
Harper said, “Well that’s very nice of him. Must’ve been a lot, managing seven rambunctious boys getting them dressed up for church.”
Titus laughed. “I guess he taught us to get ready ourselves and promised we could watch a TV show when we were ready, so I guess we got really good at getting ready fast.”
“Yeah,” Lawson said. “The first one dressed, ready, and in the living room got to pick the TV show.”
Titus reached over and gave him a playful shove. “Especially if they cheated and buttoned up their shirt while they were standing in front of the TV.”
Lawson shrugged. “I wouldn’t say it was cheating. I would say it was being resourceful.”
Titus grinned. “Not that it mattered much. We were probably all going to pick the same show anyway. It was really just a matter of bragging rights to be the one holding the remote.”
Harper watched the two brothers as they bantered back-and-forth. She could remember fighting over the TV remote with her own brother when they were younger. Usually, a memory of her brother would feel painful. She prepared for the knot in her stomach to form, and she took a deep breath, but it wasn’t there. Somehow it felt nice to remember her brother in that way. Not a memory of the rodeo where he loved to be, but where she knew that things would eventually end badly. Just a nice memory of their childhood together. Something about seeing the Macklin brothers together made her feel like it was nice that there were still siblings in the world, remembering memories of their childhood gone by.
Lawson spoke, pulling her from her thoughts. “Do you want to ride to church with me?”
Harper furrowed her eyebrows as she looked at him. Was there any other option? She took it as an opportunity to tease him. “Actually, I was thinking about walking.”
Lawson chuckled, then shrugged. “Suit yourself. I’m sure Titus will be happy to ride shotgun in old Bessie.”
“Bessie?” Harper asked in surprise.
Titus laughed as he pushed back his chair and carried his empty plate to the sink. “Lawson came up with some newfangled idea that he needed to name his truck.”
Harper looked at him and laughed. “Really? You named your truck?”
“Why not? We name our horses. We name the cows. Mom even named some of the chickens. I figure my truck does plenty of work around here too. She deserves a name.”
“She?” Harper asked, tilting her head to the side.
Lawson looked up and met her eyes “Sure.” He paused for a long moment as he held her gaze. He lowered his voice to just above a whisper as he asked, “Are you jealous?”
Harper felt the heat in her cheeks as she looked away. Was she? No, of course she wasn’t jealous of a vehicle. But what if it was another girl? Would she actually be jealous then? She tossed her hair over her shoulder with her hand and looked back at Lawson. “No, of course not. I’m sure you and your truck will be very happy together.”
Lawson looked slightly disappointed at her answer, and she felt a slight tinge of guilt. She reached over and nudged him with her elbow. “But I’ll be happy to ride with you and Bessie to church. That is unless Titus was planning to tag along as the third wheel with you and your girl.”
“Nope, I’m on call today.” Titus said. “You two have fun.”
“I guess it’s just you and me then,” Harper said. “Well, I mean you, me, and Bessie that is.”
Lawson shook his head. “I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?”
Harper laughed as she stood. “Never.” She carried her dishes to the sink, then returned to the table. “I just need to gather my things, and then I’m ready to go whenever you are.”
Lawson nodded in agreement, and Harper made her way to her room to gather her things. Not that there was much to get. She put her phone in her crossbody bag. Then she wondered if she should take a Bible to church. She kept her index finger on the corner of her mouth as she thought about this. Did she still own a Bible? Well of course she didn’t. Everything she had was lost in her SUV, but did she still have one at her parents’ house? That’s the only one she could think of. It didn’t matter if she was expected to take one to church today. She didn’t have one with her. Besides, she was sure that if the pastor did that familiar thing where he said, “If you have your Bibles with you, open it up to…” and he said a book and chapter of the Bible, she wouldn’t remember where any of those were. So it wouldn’t matter anyway.
She and Lawson were both quiet on the way to church. She couldn’t say what he was thinking, but she knew that she was a bundle of nerves. Would she remember how she was supposed to act in church? Would the Macklins be able to tell that it had been a very long time since she had attended?
Lawson pulled into the parking lot and parked Bessie in a convenient spot. As she climbed out, Harper looked up at the church. It was a beautiful, old, white, traditional church building complete with a tall steeple. She had seen it driving by in town, of course, but she hadn’t really looked at it very closely. It reminded her so much of the church she had attended with her parents and her brother growing up. Suddenly, she remembered the last time she went to church. One of the women on the promotional team had invited her after a rodeo in Oklahoma. She had agreed to go. Harper hadn’t been sure what to expect but when she walked into the modern building, It looked nothing like the church she went to growing up. The large room was built with auditorium style seats, and the stage was bigger than the one Harper had seen at some concerts. Not that there was anything wrong with what the church looked like. It didn’t really matter. That was one thing she remembered learning from her childhood, but it just felt big and different. As she walked into the foyer of this church building with Lawson, she had a completely different feeling.
It felt like home.
She stuck close to Lawson and followed him as they made their way into the sanctuary and to the row filled with the Macklin family. Harper breathed a sigh of relief that they slipped in and took their seats just before the music started. It was enough that she had to tell herself to keep breathing as she walked into a church for the first time in years. She didn’t need to add awkward introductions and people saying they were sorry about what happened to her.
Harper didn’t sing, but she listened as the congregation sang songs, some familiar and some new. She felt as if her heart started to open to the words that they were singing. Her heart began to beat faster as she listened to the congregation sing about Jesus. It had been a very long time since she had heard that name. When the pastor spoke, he did indeed ask everyone to open their Bibles, but then he read the passage out loud. Without meaning to, Harper found herself listening closely and hanging on to every word that he spoke. It was as if he was speaking directly to her when he said that God cares about us and our brokenness. He shared the story of when Lazurus died. Harper had heard it before, but not in this way. The pastor said Lazarus was Jesus’ friend and that he died while Jesus was away, and Jesus cried. Jesus cried? Somehow she had missed that part of the scripture before now.
Why did Jesus cry? Didn’t He already know what was going to happen? Didn’t he have a plan, like people always said? It made Jesus seem more real that He was sad when His friend died. It also made Him seem more compassionate, even if that was part of God’s plan.
Harper tried to resist the pull to know more. But she couldn’t. This was a different Jesus than she had always heard about growing up. It was a different Jesus than people talked about when she lost her brother. And somehow, she felt like she wanted to know more. To truly know this Jesus.
Lawson sat next to Harper in his parents’ row in the church and heard some of the same stories he had heard his whole life. Why was it that nothing seemed to change here? Why was it that his family still came and listened to the same old, same old and acted as if some miraculous thing had happened there that Sunday? Stories that were thousands of years old. He glanced over at Harper, expecting her to have the same distant look on her face. He was surprised to see that she was listening carefully, as if she was very interested in what the pastor had to say.
No, she was probably just being polite. She couldn’t have found this very interesting. She had already said she didn’t want to have anything to do with the God who took her brother away from her. And could he blame her? No, she felt the same way he did. Why did he come here week after week just to please his parents? He knew it was for the same reason that he hadn’t told them he was competing in rodeos. Even though he didn’t agree with them, he still wanted his parents' approval.
Maybe it was time for that to end.
He was an adult after all. Wasn’t it time he started to act like one? Sure, he could still work at the ranch and spend time with his brothers and his parents. But he didn’t believe the same as them. Not anymore. And he had things he wanted to do on his own. It was time for him to tell them the truth. Time to tell them that he had other ambitions, and he didn’t subscribe to the same faith anymore. He would like to say he had just outgrown it. But his brothers hadn’t. And obviously, his parents were older than he was. Maybe they needed this. Maybe it helped them somehow to get through the difficulties in their life.
But for him, believing that God cared about what happened in their lives only made it more obvious that God allowed bad things to happen. He didn’t have a problem believing God was real. He wouldn’t say he didn’t believe in God. There was, after all, an incredible world that God had created. Working with animals had taught him that for sure. But he just couldn’t believe that God worked in people's lives.
And maybe it was time to finally admit that.