Chapter 15
15
L awson sat at the dinner table and glanced to his side where Harper sat. If he was going to sit here being relentlessly teased by his brothers, at least she was next to him.
"Remember that time Lawson tried to ride Dad's old bull, Buster?" Jenson almost hollered over the loud voices in the room.
Sawyer laughed, nearly choking on his mashed potatoes. "Oh man, I forgot about that. You barely made it ten seconds before Buster sent you flying."
Lawson crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "Hey, I lasted longer than Colton did."
Colton grinned. "Yeah, but at least I didn't end up face-first in the mud. That was classic."
"Classic indeed," Titus added, shaking his head. "You were covered head to toe. Mom was furious when you tracked all that mud into the house."
Hawk joined in the laughter. "I remember the look on your face, Lawson. You were so determined, but Buster had other plans."
"Alright, alright," Lawson said, holding up his hands. "I get it. I was a stubborn kid."
"Stubborn doesn't even begin to cover it," Garrett teased. "But hey, that's what makes you, you."
The brothers continued to laugh and reminisce, as they always did at dinner. But Lawson's smile faded as he put down his fork and looked around the table. "You know, I've been thinking a lot lately. About my place here, and what I really want to do with my life."
Jenson snickered. "Oh, here we go. Lawson's having one of his 'moments' again."
Lawson glared at him. "This isn't a joke, Jenson. I'm serious. Every day it's the same routine: work the ranch, eat, sleep, repeat. I want more than that."
Sawyer leaned back in his chair. "More than the ranch? This is our legacy, Lawson. Dad worked this land, and his dad before him. It's in our blood."
"I know that, Sawyer. But have any of you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, I might want something different? Something beyond these fences?"
Colton frowned. "Like what? Moving to the city, getting a desk job? You wouldn't last a week."
Lawson leaned forward, intensity in his eyes. "How do you know that? None of you have ever believed in me enough to find out what I can do beyond shoveling manure and fixing fences. You think I’m nothing more than the middle brother in the pack of cowboys.”
Titus shook his head. "That's not fair, Lawson. We all have our roles here. Sure, you’re the middle brother, but that’s part of your job. You keep us grounded."
"Grounded? More like stuck. I might as well be invisible here. No one cares about what I want or how I feel."
Sawyer spoke up. "We care, Law. We just... we need you here. The ranch needs you, and our family needs you.”
"The ranch will survive without me. It has six of you. Why can't I find my own path? Why is it so hard for you all to understand that?"
Jenson’s eyes grew wide. "So what are you saying, Lawson? You want to leave?"
Lawson took a deep breath. "I'm saying I need to explore my options.”
Garrett scoffed. “I don’t know why you can’t just be happy here where you are.”
Lawson pushed the seat back from the table with a scrape, his expression tight. He looked at each of his brothers with fire in his eyes before he stormed out of the room. He stomped across the foyer floor and flung the screen door open so hard that it ricocheted against the wall. He didn’t stop until he reached the barn. Once he got there, he still wasn’t sure what he was going to do, so he paced back and forth.
“Why can’t they understand me? How can they possibly expect me to stay here and work just to be part of the family? What if I don’t want to be here anymore? I could leave. I could find another ranch to work on. Maybe one where they appreciate me more or where I’m known as myself and not one of the brothers. Or maybe I quit being a cowboy altogether.” He paced as he listened to himself talk, aware that he probably looked and sounded crazy. Especially at the thought of not being a cowboy. It was the only thing he’d ever known. Being a Macklin was the only thing he’d ever known. But maybe it was time to be Lawson. Just Lawson.
His thoughts moved to Harper. Would she want to go with him if he left right now? A pain started to grow in his chest as he thought about how much she had begun to like his family. But she didn’t know what it was like to grow up here. She didn’t know what it was like to be the middle brother and not matter.
He moved to his horse and started to saddle it, still not sure where he was going to go. All he knew was that he needed to get away at least for a little while. Maybe after a ride, he could think more clearly about his next step.
Just before he mounted, the barn door slowly opened. Lawson let out a sigh, not sure which one of his brothers had followed him here. He heard footsteps moving towards him.
“I don’t want to talk,” he said.
“That’s alright, you can just listen.” Lawson turned at the sound of his father’s voice and sighed. “Dad…”
His father held up a hand, but he kept his voice steady as he spoke. “Son, I have a few things to say, and I need you to listen.” Lawson looked at his father. He grimaced at the pale look on his father's face. Paler than usual. Lawson didn’t remember the last time he had seen him so upset.
“I’m sorry to hear you feel the way that you do. We have always tried to treat our children fairly. Maybe things have changed as you’ve gotten older. Different ones of you have taken on different responsibilities. Sawyer naturally became the leader as the oldest, and things have changed for your brothers as they’ve gotten married and started families. But we never meant to treat you as if you were a lower-class citizen. It’s not all the same, but we love you equally. Not in a way that we limit our love for any of you, but we love all of you immensely. Maybe we don’t take the time to say thank you. You’ve all grown up here and worked the ranch since you were children. So maybe we forgot that you should have a choice.”
Lawson shook his head. “I’ve never had a choice.”
Dad nodded slowly and reached his hand up to rub his shoulder. “I realize that now. We didn’t mean for it to be that way. I guess you didn’t have a choice as a kid, and somewhere along the way, we forgot to notice that you’ve grown. You have a choice, son.” His words caught in his throat.
Lawson was surprised his father was so emotional over this. He had never seen him this way. “I, uh, I guess I appreciate that. But if I make the wrong choice, you’ll try to talk me out of it.”
“I...” No more words came from his mouth. His father gasped in pain and grabbed his left shoulder.
“Dad?” Lawson shouted, moving to his side quickly. It was just in time to catch him as he collapsed. “Dad!”
His father closed his eyes and lay limp in his arms.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” Lawson heard the words coming from his mouth and couldn’t stop repeating them. He lowered his dad to the ground and frantically tried to think what he should do. The only thing he could do was plead, “Oh my God, oh my God.”
Finally, he reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone. His hands shook as he swiped and pressed the button for an emergency call. He had never thought he would use that system, but now he was thankful for it since he was sure he wouldn’t even be capable of pressing the numbers correctly.
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”
Lawson swallowed hard and managed to stop his refrain long enough to say, “Please, help. I think my dad is having a heart attack.”
“Alright, we’re here to help.”
Lawson would never recall how he was able to relay the information to the operator, or how he placed a call to Sawyer to let the rest of the family know. But in what seemed like the longest few minutes of his life, he sat on the floor of the barn, holding his dad in his arms.
And begging God to let him live.