33
I tell myself the trip to LA meant nothing.
Just a visit to see my sister and her kids. A chance to get out of my own head for a few days. Some family time that happened to include Liv because she’s basically part of the family now.
Nothing more than that.
But back in Seattle, everything reminds me of her.
The coffee I make in the morning tastes wrong because I’m not making two cups. The couch in my living room looks too big, too empty. My shower feels impersonal without her shampoo bottles cluttering the ledge.
I keep catching myself looking toward the guest room, expecting to see her emerge with messy hair and an oversized t-shirt, asking if I’ve started the coffee yet.
But the guest room door stays closed, and I’m alone in my too-big house, and I can’t stop thinking about the way she looked curled up in her tiny bed, surrounded by plants and candles and everything that makes her happy.
I’m in the middle of a particularly brutal training session, trying to sweat out the memory of her laugh, when my phone rings.
“West, honey!” My mom’s voice fills my earpiece, bright and enthusiastic in the way that usually means she’s about to ask me to do something I don’t want to do.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Are you excited about the wedding?”
I’m trying to catch my breath, wincing with one eye closed. “What wedding?”
“Your cousin’s wedding. In Napa. Next weekend.”
Duh. Right. The wedding. The reason I’m supposedly still fake-dating Liv.
“Yeah, I’m excited.”
“Good. And I finally get to see you and Liv together!”
My stomach drops. “Yeah.”
“Tessa is going on and on about how adorable you two are, so I can’t wait to see it for myself. Oh, honey, I’m so happy to hear that you found someone. I’ve been worried all these years.”
I bite back a retort. Her attitude, along with everyone else’s, is what has me in this situation right now.
“Tessa’s coming with David and the kids.” She’s so excited. “We’re all going to be at the same place at the same time! It’ll be like a family reunion. I really can’t wait, West. We’re taking a ton of pictures.”
I force a laugh. “Yeah, Mom. It’ll be a good time.”
“Are you okay? What are you doing?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.. Just caught me in the middle of training.”
“Well, make sure you get some rest before the wedding. We don’t need you sleeping for twelve hours straight. Do you remember that trip? That was crazy, West.”
“I’m a pr—” I start, then stop. “Yes, Mom. I’ll get some rest. I promise I won’t be asleep for twelve hours this time.”
“Good. I’m so excited, West.”
After I hang up, I sit in my car in the parking lot of the training facility and try to process what’s about to happen next weekend.
I don’t know what I was thinking when I invited Liv to this wedding as my fake girlfriend.
My entire family is going to see us as a couple. And I still don’t know where we stand.
We have to act as a real couple.
Not two people who are confused about what they are to each other.
Not two people who slept together and then spent days pretending it didn’t complicate everything.
Not two people who are supposed to be fake dating but might actually be falling for each other.
I drive home in a daze.
My phone buzzes with a text from her: Looking forward to Napa. Should I fly directly there or come to Seattle first?
I stare at the message for a long time, trying to read between the lines.
Is she asking about logistics, or is she asking if I want to see her before the wedding?
Is she looking forward to the wedding, or is she looking forward to seeing me?
Is she thinking about that night in her apartment, or is she ignoring that and moving on?
I type back: Whatever’s easier for you. I can pick you up from San Francisco if you want to fly direct.
That works. I’ll send you my flight info.
Great. Can’t wait to see you.
I delete the last line and send: Sounds good.
Then I immediately regret not sending the first version.
I set my phone aside and look around the house that’s been waiting for her return.
The truth is, I don’t know what I want from Napa.
I’m not ready to admit that I won’t quit the NHL just to be with her.
I’m not ready to admit that I hope she’s willing to sacrifice what she has in LA to live with me.
I’m not ready to admit that this is killing me, and I want nothing more but to make this work.
But I don’t know how much I can ask without pushing her away, without making her think I don’t care about what she has going on because I do, and without putting my heart on the line, knowing she isn’t enthusiastic about making this work.
I pour myself a glass of water and drink it.
I want Napa to change everything.
I want to meet her at the airport and see her face light up when she sees me.
I want to introduce her to my family as my girlfriend and not have it be a lie.
I want to dance with her at the reception and know that when the song ends, she’s going home with me.
I want to wake up next to her the morning after and know that this is just the beginning.
I want all of it.
The question is: does she want it too?