Chapter Nine
JULIAN
“There’s an art festival in Elmswood next weekend that could be a good place to get some inspiration for your final,” I say to the group of students from the evening class as we approach the parking lot.
Class is over, and since I didn’t need to go back up to my office, I ended up walking out with some of them.
“Ooh, that sounds fun. Do you know which days?” Brandy asks.
“I think Saturday and Sunday. A lot of them work on art at their stalls that you could watch,” I say.
“I’m not allowed to go to those places,” Malcolm informs us.
“You do remind me of someone who is prohibited from entering a location. I can already see the ‘Wanted’ sign with your face on it,” Brandy teases as the other students make various noises or gestures of agreement.
Malcolm, who clearly would love Brandy’s approval, gives her a look of mock surprise. “No! I meant I buy too much stuff so I can’t be trusted to go. Why the heck did the rest of you agree? The only one who didn’t is Julian.”
“That’s because he’s not allowed to,” a quieter girl named Melanie jokes.
I nod. “That’s right, it’s in my contract that I ‘Cannot make fun of Malcolm. He cries easily.’”
“I do,” Malcolm agrees. “This is already the seventh time this week Brandy has made me cry and now Melanie is going to! Melanie, I thought you were the only person left with some kindness in your heart!”
“No! I wasn’t being mean!” Melanie protests as our attention snaps over to the black car skidding to a stop in front of us.
“Wow, look at that car,” a girl behind me says.
“I wish I was rich,” Malcolm whines. “Maybe you guys would be nicer to me if I was.”
“Probably shouldn’t have picked a career in art, then,” Melanie teases.
The window rolls down and I look over at the one and only Casimir.
“Get in,” he says, simple as that. It definitely sounds more like a threat than an invite.
“Is this a hostage situation?” I ask as I lean down to get a good look at Casimir. “Where is the love?”
“Oh.” He rolls the window back up, and I assume I’ve annoyed him to the point where he’s going to drive off, but nope, a few seconds later he rolls the window down. “Hey, sweetheart, get in the damn car.”
“Okay, started out good but there were a couple of… let’s say issues,” I inform him.
He rolls the window back up as I hear someone whisper behind me, “Isn’t that Casimir Madry?”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“How do you not? He owns like half the businesses in the city.”
“And… he’s picking up… Julian?” Malcolm mutters.
I turn to look at Malcolm. “Why do you sound so skeptical, as if you think someone like Casimir wouldn’t pick up someone like me?”
“Well…” he starts until he sees Casimir get out of his car and come around to my side.
Casimir opens the car door and then literally picks me up and crams me inside, like any part of this could be considered romantic.
“Wow, so gentlemanly.” I make sure it’s drenched in sarcasm too.
“Uh… Professor, are you being abducted?” Brandy asks.
“I’m not quite sure,” I say as the door immediately slams shut with me locked inside. Then I watch in confusion as Casimir passes each of the six students fifty dollars.
I don’t know why… they sure don’t know why… but when the job is done, Casimir looks pleased and comes around to the driver’s seat as I roll down the window and look out at my students.
“Did he just pay us off to not call the cops?” Malcolm asks.
“I mean… I’ll take it,” Brandy says.
“I’m sure it’s fine. Have a good night,” I tell them a moment before the car takes off. “Is that generally how you interact with humans?”
“Is there another way? During my many years on this earth, I have learned one thing… humans love money.”
And while I can’t deny that, it does lead to a different, much more interesting question. “How old are you?”
“Older than you.”
“Wow, never would have guessed. Aren’t we supposed to be fake dating?”
“Right. So I’m taking you on a date,” he says.
“No, I mean, you should be nice to your date.”
“Then people will know it’s fake,” he explains.
I think about that for a moment. “That… I mean… you do have a fair point there.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m excited to see where the king of vampires is taking me on our first date,” I tell him.
“Definitely not the king… possibly ultimate high ruler,” Casimir says.
“Sorry, I know it’s hard for you to not be modest.”
He gives me a curt nod. “It is.”
While I’m expecting a fancy restaurant where he’ll flaunt me before the other supernaturals, he instead parks in front of a large home improvement store.
“Is this some kind of secret vampire hangout or something? Like you have to knock four times at different intervals to be let in?”
Casimir looks at me like I’m the strange one as he gets out of his fancy car and starts speedwalking toward the store, one hundred percent leaving me behind. At no point during this interaction do I feel like I’m the beloved partner on a fun date.
As confused as ever, I hurry after him and only manage to catch up as we step inside and I realize that no… no, this is one hundred percent just a regular store.
“What are we getting on this fine date?” I ask.
“A robot vacuum. Someone at work said that they were very nice,” he says. “I like the idea of it doing my bidding.”
“A… vacuum. Okay…” Is this some kind of innuendo that I’ve never heard about? A sex move I’ve missed in my years of being a lackluster dater?
Casimir looks over at me. “Why? Have you heard bad things about them?”
Nope. No, the handsome and prestigious vampire is one hundred percent talking about regular robotic vacuums. “Besides the one that rose up and slaughtered the whole family in one night after they kicked it… no, I haven’t.”
He stares at me for a long moment. “If we are fake dating, am I supposed to laugh even if the jokes are horrendous?”
I grin at that. “You are. You’re also not supposed to take me to buy a vacuum on our first date, but you do you.”
“Good. Ha. Ha. You, wolf, are hilarious.” Casimir glances at me, like he’s seeking approval. “Is that better?”
“It was so fake that it almost sounded too fake to be fake, so in turn, it almost seemed real,” I decide.
“Just what I was aiming for.” And off he goes on our lovely florescent light-bulbed walk to the vacuum aisle… I mean, come on, a moonlit walk would be far too normal. “Do you have one of these?”
“I do not.”
“Here, I’ll buy you one,” Casimir says as he hands me the smallest handheld vacuum I’ve ever seen.
“Oh, wow, thank you. I’ll cuddle it at night as I think back on all the fun we had together.”
“Just keep your clothes on while doing it.”
“I’m so glad you were able to make me seem creepy. Thank you.” I set the vacuum back on the shelf because there is absolutely no part of me that is willing to get on my hands and knees to vacuum.
“You’re most welcome,” he says as he finally finds the robot vacuums and begins staring at them while I question what the hell I’m doing. He seems to be trying his hand at staring at them until one wows him enough to scoop it on up and hurry it home.
“You’re rich, so just get the most expensive one.” This feels like a pretty valid method.
“I’m rich because I know how to manage my money,” he says. “I would like one that can clean up liquids as well. Or do they not do both?”
“What… kind of liquid do you need to have cleaned up?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“The vampire says, ‘Don’t worry about it,’” I mutter.
“If I were going to kill you, I would have grabbed the tape and shovel first before you could think too much about it.”
“Haven’t you watched Dexter ? You also need plastic… lots of plastic.”
“No idea what that is.”
“It’s about a serial killer who kills serial killers.”
Casimir stares at me for a long moment. “You sound delighted by this, but if I was like ‘Hi, I’m Casimir, I’m a serial killer who chops up other serial killers and drinks their blood,’ I feel like our date would be going much differently.”
“I’m still confused about whether this is a date. Like… dates should be sexy and fun.”
He eyes me before waving at a vacuum. “That one looks sexy.”
“Between us! Oh my god, not the vacuum.”
Casimir just shrugs as he grabs the “sexy” one and starts carrying it toward the checkout. About halfway there he hesitates and looks back at me. “Are you saying this isn’t a good date?”
“I’m… well… I’m not having an awful time but I’m also questioning what’s happening,” I answer.
“Sounds like a good date to me, then,” he says. “Oh, I need some other stuff.” And that’s when he plops the robot vacuum into my arms.
Ah yes… the date of my dreams.
Fake or not… I’m positive this isn’t what I had in mind.
He grabs a bathtub mat as I stare at him. “My last one… got messy.”
“Messy doing what?” I ask, highly concerned.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“This is so freaking weird. Anyone who sees us is going to think I’m your new assistant!” I say as he sets the bathmat on top of the vacuum I’m still hefting around because he never thought to grab a cart. I guess why grab a cart when he brought me along!
“It’ll be fine.”
“It’s looking less fine by the minute!” I protest as he walks off with nothing in his hands as I lug all of this after him.
“These look nice and soft,” Casimir says as he hurries over to some hand towels.
“What do vampires even need to wash their hands for?”
“To wash the blood off,” he responds as he stacks some of them on top.
“No!”
“No?”
“No, you don’t get light-colored ones!”
He points a finger at me. “I knew I brought you for a reason,” he says as he pulls them off and grabs some navy ones.
I sigh but am pleased when we finally make it to the cashier.
“That looks heavy, let me help you,” Casimir offers as he takes the load off me for the two seconds it takes for him to set it down in front of the cashier.
“Thanks,” I say sarcastically.
And then because he’s reduced me from fake date to pack mule, I grab a handful of candy and toss it on his pile while looking him in the eyes.
His eyes narrow before he goes, “Oh shit. I forgot you need to eat.”
I sigh.