Chapter Fourteen
JULIAN
Casimir: Where are you?
Me: Working on my world domination plans. You?
Casimir: There’s no way you’d accomplish any sort of domination with that bubbly attitude of yours.
Me: I could dominate the shit out of this world.
Casimir: By rolling over and showing your fluffy belly?
Me: Don’t be jealous that all I have to do is wag my tail and people flock to me.
Casimir: I’m coming over. You’re coming to the meeting tonight whether you like it or not.
Me: That doesn’t sound suspicious in the slightest. I’m at my mom’s. Would you like her address or would you like to just sniff your way to me like you did at the university?
Casimir: Same house I dropped you off at?
Me: Oh yeah, how could I forget you nearly driving over me to avoid my father.
“Who are you texting?” Mom asks.
“Oh, just my new boyfriend,” I say.
She stops fiddling with her stuff for work so she can stare at me. “Just the way you said that already has me suspicious.”
“You’re suspicious that I have a boyfriend? Do I look that unlovable?” I know I’ll tell her it’s fake, but I kind of want to enjoy her reaction first.
“I’m not even sure I’m going to bother to ask for more information.”
“Oh, you’re far too nosy to not ask,” I say.
“You’re right. Who, why, what?”
“Who? Just this sweet old man. Like really old, but you know how they say you should always respect your elders.”
“Yes, respect them, not bed them.”
“Ah… shit. Mixed that one up pretty bad. The why? Because he took one look at me and fell in luv.”
“It’s not good to fool someone like that.”
“Fool them? You think the only reason someone would love me is through fooling them? I thought you loved me.”
“Well, you must have fooled me too,” she teases.
I grab my chest as I look at her in shock. “You wound me, Mother!”
“Are you doing it for the money? Are you trying to con some poor old man out of his money? Do you need me to lend you some?”
“No, I’m already horrified about the time you bought my artwork and pretended like it was some random person to make me feel good.”
“You were like ten and the artwork was… to put it nicely, not very good. But because you thought someone bought it, it encouraged you, and look at you now. You’re a phenomenal artist!
You have a good job that revolves around it.
If you’d been left knowing that your painting was the only one without a bid—not even a pity bid—you might have been so discouraged you gave up! ”
“I will never forget the deception I uncovered when I came across that ugly little painting in the attic.”
“But it encouraged you! And once you found out, I was finally able to hang it in the house.”
“To haunt me.”
“No! To encourage you!”
“You encouraged me to scrutinize everything my deceiving parents say.”
“So you ended up with some trust issues, but you became a phenomenal artist… honestly, I’m going to blame your father for the trust issues. Let’s get back to your new boyfriend. What’s his name?”
“I just call him Sexy McSexy, and I expect you to do the same.”
“And you act offended when I say that I’m suspicious of you dating anyone,” Mom mutters.
The door opens and I look up as my brother Rhett walks in with Nina by his side. Nina seems thrilled when she sees us before racing over and giving me and my mom a hug.
“So? Did you win?” I ask.
She gives me a blank look. “Win what?”
After telling me that the contest was the “greatest thing to ever happen in her life,” has she really already forgotten? “The top prize for selling the candy bars.”
Her eyes get wide as it all comes flooding back. Obviously, she’s had a busy enough life to forget about all of it. “Oh! I did!”
“And? Was it everything you ever dreamed it’d be?”
She thinks about it for a long moment. “Eh, it was alright. I don’t even remember where it is… Dad, do you remember where the Rubik’s Cube is?”
“Nope. Haven’t seen it since you tried it, went ‘this is stupid,’ and ran off to play with something else.”
It takes a bit for this to sink in. “Hold on… hold on. So I… So I had to stand outside selling my soul to people on the street in an attempt to sell candy bars for hours… for a toy you already forgot about?”
“Well… I mean… it looked cool,” she says.
I pick her up and start toward the trash can.
Her eyes get wide as she stares at me like I’m the traitor. “NO! No! Julian, you can’t!”
“Oh, but I sure can,” I mutter as I flip the lid open and aim her for it.
“Nooooooooo, Julian! You’re my favorite uncle. You can’t do this to me!”
“I’m your only uncle.”
“I’m just pleased she talked you into it,” Rhett says. “I was afraid I’d have to go again.”
Nina is hanging on to me with a death grip as I contemplate what to do with her. “You wouldn’t do this to me, Julian.”
“But I would. I will give you one more chance. If you go home and play with that Rubik’s Cube for a full five hours, I will be satisfied.”
“But it’s so boring. It sucks the life out of me.”
“So did selling your candy bars.”
That just makes her laugh, so I put her on the ground and tickle her for some more punishment.
“So are you going to tell me who the mystery man is?” Mom asks.
“Julian’s got a man?” Rhett asks. “Did he have to hire him? Pay him? Bribe him…”
“Julian definitely seems like the kind of guy to blackmail them,” Mom says.
I stare at my family and wonder what I’ve done to cause them to treat me the way they do.
Who the fuck did I piss off in a past life to get these two as family members?
And clearly, I had to have kicked down a sad old lady to have gotten my father.
“Excuse me?” I wave to myself so that they’re well aware exactly who I’m talking about.
“Me? I am literally the nicest person alive. Do you not remember that I won the nicest person award?—”
“In high school. We know, we know. You literally hung it up for years,” Rhett says, which… maybe embarrasses me a little. Like… was that really my main accomplishment in life? That some kids took so much pity on me they deemed me Mr. Nice?
Mom rolls her eyes as she pulls the baked chicken pasta out of the oven. “Don’t pretend you’re innocent.”
“I’m the most innocent. Nina, who is the most innocent, bestest person?” I ask as I wave to myself some more in case she might get confused.
She scrutinizes me for a long moment before going, “It depends if you’re willing to chase Sarah.”
“Now it’s Sarah I have to chase?”
Rhett’s attention snaps to me. “Do not chase Sarah. We just got done with a parent-teacher meeting with goals and game plans on how to work together better with Sarah.”
Nina pouts, and because she’s eight and adorable, the look is very effective. “She said I cheated when I sold more candy bars than her. Do I look like a cheater?”
“Well,” I say. “You cheated at Sorry! the other day.”
“Uncle Julian, do you ever just think that maybe you’re not very good at Sorry!?”
I gasp. “I am the best!”
There’s a knock on the door and everyone stares at it like there might be Santa Claus behind it or something equally confusing. Even my mom, who knows it’s my new “boyfriend,” feigns a look of shock.
“Is that your date?” Mom whispers.
“It just barely turned dark. What the hell? He had to have left the house when it was still light out,” I say. “I’m sure he has one of those fancy cars that block out the sun or something, but isn’t it still risky?”
“Do not tell me you’re dating a vampire,” Rhett whispers as his eyes meet mine. “But the look on your face tells me that you’re dating a vampire and you are pleased to be annoying Dad.”
I’m nearly giddy. “So pleased.”
Mom sighs as she pushes me out of the way and opens the door. “Well hello there, surely you have the wrong house.”
Casimir is standing there looking ridiculously handsome like always. He has a tight gray t-shirt on with a dark gray overcoat that fits him perfectly. “I’m looking for Lassie.”
“Woof,” I mutter as I walk up to the door.
Mom’s grin shifts to me. “Lassie?”
“Don’t you dare make fun of our ultra-romantic pet names. You do not want me to tell him what you think about him,” I warn her.
The look on Mom’s face tells me that she very much agrees. “Casimir, come in, come in,” Mom says. “I’m Molly. We’d love to know about you. You make my ex-husband’s life miserable, so I already welcome you into the family.”
Casimir turns his attention to her and slowly smiles. “Oh? Do you also enjoy torturing Terrance? This pleases me.”
“I didn’t realize you’d get here so quickly, so I didn’t get a chance to eat. You want to come in for dinner?” I ask.
“I can just wait in the car,” Casimir suggests.
“Oh lovely, yes, please just sit in the car and longingly stare at the house while I enjoy my meal with my family and talk about how nice it is for my date to forlornly wait in the car,” I say.
“Okay, sounds good,” he responds, completely deadpan, but my mom grabs him before he can leave.
“Please, please, come in. Tell me all about different ways you’ve caused Terrance physical and mental anguish.”
He hesitates but that was clearly a selling point because he steps into the house as my brother gawks at him. And while my mom chats his ear off about how Terrance haunts her to this very day, Rhett turns to me.
“You are impressively evil,” he says.
I wave at myself in case they’ve forgotten all about the nicest person alive award. “Surely you’re talking about someone else.”
“Isn’t that the guy you bullied into buying all of the candy bars?” Nina asks.
“I did not bully him!”
She gasps, like some wonderful idea has struck her. “Mr. Vampire!” She races toward Casimir who turns to her.
He eyes the small child before asking, “Is this dessert?”
“Ha ha, funny,” I say, but when he doesn’t smile, I start to wonder if I’ve just invited an evil vampire into my family’s home.
Nina is either oblivious or doesn’t care that an ancient vampire is considering her for a snack as she beams at him. “Mr. Vampire, there’s this girl named Sarah who I’d really like you to chase, please.”