19. Will
WILL
Iwoke with a pounding headache, a strong desire to puke, and a memory full of holes. I didn’t remember going to bed, plugging in my phone, or putting on my dirty workout shorts. I vaguely remembered Derek driving me home and James smoking me up, but that was about it.
I came downstairs twenty minutes later, hoping everyone had gone for the day, and found Theo sitting in the sunbaked breakfast nook, strumming his guitar.
He stopped playing when he saw me and set his guitar down. “Oh, good, you’re up. Do you want an omelet? These frying pans are amazing. Nothing sticks. It’s incredible.”
I shielded my eyes from the sun. “I’m all set. Is there coffee, though?”
Theo jumped up. “I’ll make you some.”
I held up a hand. “I can do it.” I put the kettle on to boil and emptied the French press into the compost.
“Are you really best friends with a personal trainer?”
I looked up from the counter, where I’d been lost in the glittering flecks of mica. “Yeah.” Jesus, I still had to call Miles and Tiffany and tell them about James. They were going to give me so much shit.
“Do you think he’d help me get in shape? I know we only have a few days before Ryan comes, but aren’t there, like, secret insider tricks that only celebrity trainers know?”
I glanced at the clock. It was a little after ten, which meant Miles was probably home trying to get the cum dingleberries out of his belly hair.
“I can call him right now if you want.”
Miles answered after the first ring, and I could tell by the paisley cock on the wall behind him that he was sitting on the toilet.
“You look like shit. Are you drinking enough water?”
“I’m here with Theo.” I turned the phone to show the gangly teen. “He needs your help. Ryan and Derek are coming over for dinner on Friday, and Theo wants to look his best. Can you help him?” Miles loved deadlines almost as much as he loved teen romance.
“Who’s he trying to impress, Ryan or Derek?”
“Ryan, obviously.” Theo came and stood behind me.
“How old are you?” Miles asked.
“Eighteen.”
“Step back so I can see all of you.”
Theo did as he was told.
Miles tilted his head from side to side as if examining a piece of modern art. “What are you, six-five, a hundred and fifty-two pounds?”
“Wow, you’re amazing. How did you do that?”
“I’m Miles Greene, personal trainer to the stars, and if I’m going to take you on as a client, I’m going to need to test your mettle first. Go run two miles and call me back.
Oh, and make a list of everything you ate yesterday, every cracker and glass of water.
Don’t leave anything out. Write the approximate times down, too. ”
“Right now?”
“Yes, right now. Now go.”
Theo left his guitar in the breakfast nook and tore out of the room.
“I take it that’s your new little brother?”
“Actually, he’s my new stepson now.” I told Miles everything, including the chafing of my groin from yesterday’s horseback riding adventure.
“I knew he was into you. I fucking called it.”
“You did no such thing, and I can assure you he’s not into me. He’s just stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing better to do. He thinks it will make a funny story. The guy acts just like a five-year-old. Plus, he’s straight.”
“Perfect. Don’t you have, like, a master’s degree in five-year-olds? Maybe you’re his soulmate, the only one who can truly understand his youthful spirit.”
“You’re not funny.”
Miles propped his phone by the sink and turned on the shower. “So, has Derek told you what happened yet?”
“No, but he did give my drunk ass a ride home last night. So, baby steps.”
“Should I come up? I bet I can beat the truth out of him.”
“No, I’ve got it under control. It’s all part of my master plan.” Apparently, my master plan was to act like a total loser until Derek felt bad enough to tell me what happened.
“Let me see how expensive flights are. Maybe I can come up for the weekend.” Miles stood naked, pulling hairs from his nose while the bathroom mirror fogged up.
“That would be awesome. Mom will be back by then, and I’m really not looking forward to telling her I stole her boyfriend.”
James came into the kitchen shortly after Miles hung up, and I almost dropped my phone down the garbage disposal when I saw his pornstache. My fingers tingled, as if they could remember the soft bristle of those rusty blond hairs. Fuck, I touched his face, didn’t I?
James helped himself to the rest of the coffee in the French press. “Good morning. How did you sleep?”
“In gym shorts.” What the hell? In gym shorts? Why did I just say that? Although it was unusual. I never slept in gym shorts, especially dirty ones.
“You don’t say.” There was a smirk in James’s voice. Fuck, what had I done? “Any big plans for the day?”
“Not really.” I took a large gulp of my coffee, hoping to scald away the shame.
“Good, because I’m taking you out on the boat.”
I winced at the easy confidence in James’s voice. No one was going to believe this guy was my boyfriend.
“Isn’t there, like, a sea monster in the lake?” I said. Apparently, Lake Champlain had its own Loch Ness Monster.
“Technically, he’s a lake monster, not a sea monster. His name is Champ, and he’s a myth.”
Jesus, why did he have to look like that this early in the morning? And why did he have to keep smiling at me? “Fine, I’ll go out on the boat, but I’m not swimming.”
James’s smile turned into a smirk. “We’ll see.”
Two hours later, the three of us were bobbing somewhere out in the middle of Lake Champlain.
“Aren’t you going to drop an anchor or something?” I asked.
“It’s a lake, dude, not a river. Now pick your favorite color.” James waved at the stack of inflatable rafts he’d probably snagged on sale at Wal-Mart for seven ninety-nine. Then he started to undress.
I tried to avert my gaze, but he was doing that thing strippers do where they cross their arms, grab the hem of their shirt, and peel it off in one fluid motion.
Christ, he was even hotter shirtless. Theo was a fucking liar. That was not a dad bod. “You don’t have my favorite color. My favorite color is orange. And I already told you, I’m not swimming.”
James slid his aviators back on. “No one’s favorite color is orange. Now pick a raft already.” He kicked off his sandals and snatched the green one for himself. “Hurry up, we’ve got work to do.”
“Actually, Miles and I already figured everything out,” Theo said, opting for the red raft. “So it shouldn’t take that long.”
I should’ve known better than to introduce Theo and Miles. This whole excursion was a waste of time. I understood the need for a convincing backstory, but why did we have to come up with it here, floating like breadcrumbs on top of a bottomless lake full of mythical monsters?
James and Theo jumped overboard without hesitation and clambered onto their rafts, which folded in the middle like tacos. I, meanwhile, stood in the boat, sweating through my shirt.
James called up to me, “Come on, Will, what are you waiting for? The water’s fine.”
“I can talk just as well from up here.”
“We won’t watch you undress, I promise. Theo, turn around. Will’s shy.”
“Why? He’s, like, the fittest person I’ve ever seen.”
“Just do it.” James paddled with one hand until his raft was facing the other way. Theo rolled his eyes, but did the same.
Jesus Christ, fine! I quickly stripped and pulled the yellow raft in front of me. “Is it cold?”
“No, it’s refreshing. Now jump in.”
Fuck James and his stupid jawline that looked even better without a beard. Clutching the raft, I jumped in and immediately regretted it, the iceberg-cold water making my skin shrink tight, like I’d been vacuum sealed. “Jesus!”
“You’ll get used to it.”
I hauled myself onto the raft, teeth chattering.
“Holy shit, is that really your body?” Theo gaped. “If I looked like that, I’d never wear a shirt. You have an eight-pack, an honest-to-god eight-pack. How is that even possible? And look at your V-line. How long did that take?”
“Theo, it’s not polite to count someone’s abs.” James tried to splash his son and missed by five feet.
“You’re the one who told me he had an eight-pack. I was just verifying.”
How the hell would James know if I had an eight-pack? Suddenly, those gym shorts made more sense. That’s it. I’m never drinking again.
James twirled his raft back toward me, and the blue sky and Adirondack Mountains lit up his aviators like mini TV screens. “Now, why don’t we start at the beginning? How did we meet?”
“Miles and I already figured this out,” Theo said. “You met at a party and fell in love because you both needed to pee at the same time. One thing led to another, and before you knew it, you were playing swords.”
I smacked my forehead. “What? No. Just no.”
“It’s not that bad,” James said. “We’ll just leave out the swords part. Let’s back it up a month or so, too, so we seem more established.” He ran a hand down his chest, and water droplets gathered in his navel. “We just have to figure out why you didn’t mention me to your family sooner.”
That was easy. Why would I give a boyfriend the chance to fanboy over my dad, lust after my brother, and call my mom a MILF? “How about because I hate them?”
“You don’t hate them. You wouldn’t be here if you hated them.”
“Fine. We’ll say I didn’t want to jinx things.”
James beamed. “There you go. That’s the spirit.”
I squinted up at him. “Okay, so how does it end? How do we break up?”
James lowered his sunglasses and glared. “That’s where your mind goes, to how things end? You don’t wanna, I don’t know, maybe find out my favorite color or if I have any hobbies before you dump me?”
“Oh, I already know how things end.” Theo’s smile turned wicked.
“Will has a moment of insecurity, not sure if you like him as much as he likes you, so he floats the idea of breaking up, secretly hoping you’ll be horrified and beg him to stay.
But because you’re you and would rather start over than deal with even the tiniest bit of drama, you shrug and go, ‘Okay, if that’s what you want,’ which confirms all of Will’s fears. Then he breaks up with you for real.”
That was oddly specific.
“Or, because this is Will’s first long-term relationship, he thinks, ‘This isn’t so bad. I’d give it an eight out of ten. Still, we should probably break up so I can shoot for a ten out of ten.’”
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on right now,” I said. “Can’t we just stick to the basics, hobbies and favorite colors, that kind of thing?”
“Good idea,” Theo said. “Don’t forget your zodiac signs, though, because we might have to change Dad’s if it turns out you’re not compatible.”
I didn’t know what to blame my headache on now: my hangover, the bracing water, or this ridiculous scheme.
Sighing, I said, “My favorite color really is orange. My birthday is December fifth, and I’m a Sagittarius.
I don’t really have hobbies, per se, but sometimes I write children’s songs.
My dinosaur song and my community-helpers songs are probably my two best.”
Theo clapped. “This is perfect! You both like music. You’re gonna fall in love for real.
I just know it. Oh, and I already came up with your pet names—Excalibur and Fierce Deity.
You can decide who’s who later. It doesn’t really matter.
But this way, when people ask why you’re named after famous swords, you can tell them how you met. ”
Fierce Deity? Where did Theo come up with this shit? And was he implying his dad was bi?
“My favorite color is green,” James said. “My birthday is April fifth, which makes me an Aries. I like playing video games, hiking, camping, basketball, skiing, you know, that kind of thing.”
Okay, so James was a thirty-eight-year-old middle schooler.
“Oh my god, you’re both fire signs, and you both had your golden birthdays when you were five. Mine’s when I turn twenty-one, which basically makes it the coolest golden birthday ever. I’m gonna make everyone get wasted on Goldschl?ger.”
Yup. We were fucked.