42. James #3
“I was woken from a dead sleep, and it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. ‘What’s this guy’s deal?
’ I wondered. ‘Why does he need so much validation?’ Seriously, he wouldn’t stop asking about the size of his .
. . well, let’s go with heart. ‘Do you like that big heart? Tell me you like that big heart.’ To make matters worse, no one would answer him, not the seals clapping in the background—at least I assumed they were seals—or the woman with the leg cramp—at least I assumed she had a leg cramp.
So, I got out of bed, planning to ask the insecure vagrant in our backyard to leave, but wouldn’t you know it, Mom and Grandma were already there. ”
Donna looked like she was trying to take a shit while marshaling a parade.
“And they’d already chased off the big-hearted man, the woman with the leg cramp, and all the seals.
Needless to say, breakfast was a tad awkward the next morning, but we all totally believed Andy when he asked Mom for a new phone, claiming he’d given his away to the unhoused man who picks through our recycling. ”
Will looked over at his brother and said, “Actually, I get why you didn’t want me to tell that story now. You’re hardly in it. Should I tell them the Full Moon Party story instead?”
“Don’t you dare,” Andy shouted.
Shrugging, Will took another sip of his champagne.
“Fine, I’ll just quote some Shakespeare and wrap this up, then.
” His face grew solemn. “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove. Oh, no! It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.” He cracked a wry smile.
“I can’t remember the rest, but you get the idea.
And it’s true. Love is indestructible. But love is not the same as marriage.
Marriage—all relationships, really—are just containers we try to stuff love into, not realizing love is so much bigger than commitment.
Don’t get me wrong. I hope you beat the odds and your marriage lasts forever.
But what I’m in awe of right now is not your commitment, but your love.
I mean, think about it, you two have the kind of love where you can pop each other’s ass zits with impunity. I’d kill for that.”
Nandi smacked Andy’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you told him about that.”
“I didn’t, I swear,” Andy said through peals of laughter.
“Yeah, Nandi, it’s called a metaphor, but thanks for sharing.
” Will held up his glass of champagne and seemed genuinely surprised to find it almost empty.
“Anyway, in summary, here are your three big takeaways.” He held up a fist and started counting on his fingers.
“One: Your marriage may or may not last, but your love is forever. Two: Everyone gets butt acne, even absurdly attractive people who give amazing hugs. Three: Always disconnect from the Bluetooth before giving your phone away. And four—I know I said there were only three, but I just thought of another—four: Andy, I know I should be bitter because you’re all successful and adored by everyone, but I’m not.
I’m just grateful I have a brother who’ll drive through literal walls for me. ”
Will’s eyes filled with tears, but before one could fall, he lifted his glass a little higher and said, “To world peace!”
It must’ve been an inside joke because Andy was the only one who laughed at first, but it wasn’t long before everyone else joined in.
“And that, my friends, is why we all turned in our phones and signed NDAs,” the emcee said, taking back the mic.
Will found my hand under the table when he sat back down, and I gripped him tightly, my mind made up. Fuck Robert’s plan.
The sun was setting when the party moved upstairs to the dance floor. For the first several dances, I managed to keep hidden on the perimeter, but then Will started dancing with Nandi, and Andy got it in his head that he and I should dance, too.
Andy draped his lanky, freckled arms over my shoulders, and I held his hips like we were at a middle school dance. Meanwhile, Will and Nandi looked like they were competing on Dancing with the Stars.
“Thanks for bringing my brother back,” Andy said, his blue eyes blissed out and misty.
“What do you mean?”
“You know”—Andy looked at me like I should be able to read his mind—“for bringing Will’s sass back.
He never used to give a shit if he pissed people off.
But after everything, he became super cautious and shit, like it’d be the end of the world if he offended someone. But that toast was classic Will.”
Somehow, Andy managed to smile and cry at the same time. Apparently, Donna was the only one in Will’s family who didn’t weep regularly.
“I missed my brother. I didn’t realize how much until tonight. And you brought him back. So, thanks.”
“I can’t take credit for that.”
Andy shrugged and rested his head on my shoulder. People were staring and laughing, and the real photographer was having a field day, but Andy didn’t seem to notice or care.
When the song was over, he pulled back and said, “Oh, I almost forgot. I did some research today, and I think I’ve solved your problem. You just need to get Botox on your sphincter. It’ll loosen it right up.”
I should’ve been embarrassed, but it had been a long time since I’d been the butt of a family joke, and it made me miss my brother and, in a way, my father, too.
“Okay, I’ll get right on that.”