16. Catherine
Chapter sixteen
Catherine
Ginny looks unaffected when I tell her about my job and apartment hunting.
“That’s too bad that you won’t be able to stick around,” she says. “But I suppose I’ll just have to deal with things the way I always did.”
“I’m not sure when I’ll be leaving, but I’ll be around to finish off everything for the fiftieth anniversary,” I say.
Ginny nods. “Ah, that’s good. Thank you.”
Then she starts the process of moving a display case that must weigh a hundred pounds. She maneuvers it as easily as if it were only twenty.
I watch her in amazement for a while before setting up at the welcome desk. I take my seat and settle into the work I’d left off yesterday.
Though I know exactly what I want to do, I’m slow today. I’m distracted by everything.
Most of all, I’m distracted by yesterday.
I hadn’t planned to stop at George’s place.
As I was passing, though, I caught a glimpse of him sitting on the porch.
I can see him just as well now as I did then.
His strawberry-blond hair gleams boldly in the sun. It brings out the red, making him look like a beacon.
His muscular frame is too big for the wicker chair, but, seeing him sitting there, he looked so perfect.
Then as I came up the stairs, his dimples deepened with his grin.
Before I knew it, I was lost in his green eyes.
My stomach knots as I think of the words he said. I love you .
Why did he have to say that? Why?
There was a time when I would have been thrilled to hear him say that.
There was a time when sitting in rocking chairs as we grew old together was all I wanted.
But there are too many reasons why that’s impossible now.
For one thing, I don’t want to live in Sandburrow… right? And even if I did, I have no career here.
So without a career, I ought to at least cook and clean. But I can’t do that either.
I’d be nothing but a burden on him.
A knot tightens in the pit of my stomach.
George might think he loves me, but that’s only because he doesn’t really know me.
It’s just like how he was talking about me and Katherina. He wouldn’t say those nice things if he knew how much internal resentment I carry around.
Once he learns who I really am inside, he won’t love me.
My fingers fly over the keyboard, typing up today’s social media posts.
A heavy sigh escapes me.
Is it really that I don’t want to be loved, and risk the pain when that love goes away?
Or is it that I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved in the first place?
The bells above the door chime, announcing a guest.
I put a smile on my face as I look up. To my surprise, it’s Katherina. Her shoulders hunch inward and her eyes are red.
Concern sweeps through me. “What’s wrong?”
Katherina looks over her shoulder at Ginny. She leans in closer to me. “I need to talk to you. Privately.”
“Of course. Ginny, I need to step out for a bit,” I call, gathering my things.
“Have fun,” Ginny calls vaguely.
There’s a café with an outdoor patio nearby, so I take Katherina over there. I scan for Grandma’s car. When I don’t see it, I glance at Katherina’s shoes. They’re covered in dust.
“You didn’t walk into town, did you?” I ask, trying to keep my voice neutral.
“Grandma’s at the store. I asked if I could walk over here and see you,” she answers, giving me a semi-disgusted look.
I repress a sigh of relief. And the urge to point out that Katherina jumped on a bus out to Sandburrow without telling June.
I order a couple sodas and we sit in a corner outside, away from everyone else.
“What’s up?” I ask her.
Katherina swirls her straw in the plastic cup. “Mom called me.”
I tense, though I try not to show it. If her conversations with June are anything like mine, it’ll really explain why she’s upset.
“What did you talk about?” I ask cautiously.
Has June decided that Katherina is going back to the city?
Katherina gulps in a deep breath. “She’s getting married.”
Married?
My jaw drops.
It hasn’t been that long since I caught her and Crimson together.
And now they’re getting married?
Several unflattering words pop into my mouth. I have to clamp my mouth shut to prevent them from popping out.
“Mom wants me to ask you to be her maid of honor,” Katherina continues, her shoulders hunching further. “She told me that there’s nobody else she could see standing with her on her big day. And she wants me to ask my dad to walk her down the aisle.”
There are other words I’d like to say about that.
“I’m sorry that she put that on you,” I say, careful to keep my tone even. “I’ll talk to her about it.”
The last thing I’m going to do is let June put Katherina in the middle of our awful relationship.
“If you want, I can talk to your dad, too,” I add.
Katherina shrugs. “I just don’t want any of this to be happening. I just… it’s so stupid!”
I know these feelings far too well.
My heart aches for Katherina. I reach across the table and gently pat her hand. “It’s hard. And it’s even worse when you’re mad at someone you love. I know. You’re allowed to be angry, Kitty. You’re allowed to have whatever feelings you have.”
She looks up, chewing the inside of her cheek. “But she’s my mom.”
“She is. That doesn’t mean she isn’t hurting you.”
“She doesn’t mean to.”
“That doesn’t make your pain less real,” I say gently. “And I know that I’m not exactly a safe place for you, but if you ever need to talk, I can be here for you. Okay?”
Katherina nods, fresh tears pooling in her eyes. “Thanks.”
***
That evening, I go to the tide pools.
So much heavy emotion keeps hitting me, I’m starting to feel like a whack-a-mole.
The pools are the most peaceful place I can think of to visit.
I bring my notebook again, but rather than making lists I sit on the edge of the pool and stare out to the ocean.
I have a lot of good memories here.
Though Sandburrow is home to the worst memories of my life, these pools are a place where I’ve always found peace.
In my mind’s eye, I see Grandma relaxing nearby while George and I play around the pools.
I see us discovering sea stars above the tideline and rushing back and forth to put them into the ocean.
I see us building sandcastles.
I see myself, sitting alone here in this very spot. Making lists. Listening to music. Crying.
There was a lot of crying.
And when I think about it, so many of those tears were shed for things that I can’t remember.
In my mind, they’re all because of something June did.
Except when it was because of George.
Like when prom was coming up. And he gave me a letter and I was certain it was an invite to the dance.
Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.
It was a letter from his mother to Grandma about the school bake sale.
That was a heartbreak of my own making.
I refused to talk to George for two days.
I wince when I think about that. I blamed him for so much when the truth of it was, that I just didn’t communicate.
It’s easy to be hard on my younger self looking back. But I know she was just doing the best she could. She was acting in the ways her mother taught her to.
Grandma tried her best with me. But one person’s love can’t erase the indifference of another’s.
My mind turns back to George, and my last words to him. I don’t want to be loved .
It’s a lie.
I want to be loved.
When I think about George, I think of his smile and his kindness. My heart flutters. The few kisses spark through my mind.
There’s something about him.
Something that I know could easily pull me in.
What’s stopping me from letting go and letting myself admit that I might be developing feelings, too?
It’s all so confusing.
I shake my head as I get back to my feet. The sun is rapidly setting and the tide rapidly washing in.
I don’t need to figure things out right now.
Surprise, surprise, George is there when I get to the house.
He’s loading up his truck. He must be finishing up today’s work.
Part of me wants to avoid talking to him.
It’ll be easier to keep my distance.
But do I really want it easy?
I take a deep breath and head toward him. He sees me coming and pauses in his work.
“Catherine. You were out at the pools?” he asks, his tone oddly formal.
I nod. “You done working for tonight?”
“Yup.” He lifts the last of his tools into his truck. He stares down at his hands for a moment. “So you’re running up to the city tomorrow?”’
“Er… yeah.” I’d forgotten about my appointments to view apartments.
He drags a hand through his strawberry-blonde hair. “Right. I hope it goes well. If you need any work done once you get a place, I’m available for a discount.”
I snort. “Really?”
His cheeks turn pink. “Not like that!”
“Sure, sure.” I wink at him.
His grin doesn’t last long. “Catherine… I also want to apologize.”
“For…?” I wince. I know what he’s referring to. “You don’t actually have to apologize.”
“I clearly made you uncomfortable. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you.” He shuffles on the spot. “And I’m sorry for not making my feelings clear before kissing you.”
“George, really, you don’t have to apologize,” I say awkwardly. “If anything, I should apologize.”
“You don’t have to—”
I hold up my hand to stop him. “I was rude.”
George gives me a slight smile. “Giving me an honest answer isn’t rude.”
“Okay… how about this, I’m sorry for sending mixed signals.”
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Uhh… okay, you’re right about that. There may be a few mixed signals.”
“They’re about to get worse,” I warn him.
“Should I get a telephone switchboard?” he jokes.
Ugh, this is exactly why I’m having such a difficult time! He’s just too charming for his own good.
“That would be a good idea,” I tell him. “Because I lied. I do want to be loved. But the idea of being loved is mildly terrifying.”
George nods his understanding. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No. It’s something I have to figure out on my own. Just…” I let out a heavy sigh. “Don’t wait on me, George. We’re not meant to be together. And that’s the best I can do.”