Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
“A unty Win.”
“How are you, darling girl?”
Ainsley bit back a sigh. Her aunt didn’t need to hear about all of Ainsley’s troubles. “I’m fine. But it’s you I most want to know about.”
Her aunt laughed softly. “Well, that’s funny, because I’d much rather talk about you, and how you are doing.”
“I guess we’re at a stalemate, then.” Ainsley pushed a smile into her voice.
Aunty Win’s voice sounded thinner than the last time they’d talked. When Mom had called, she’d said Win had received some disappointing news. And as much as Ainsley didn’t want to know the truth of what that might involve, this was one reality she couldn’t afford to ignore.
“You go first, Ainsley. I want some good news to cheer me up.”
Ah. Then she wouldn’t be sharing about the holdup with the planning approvals.
“What’s going on with work?”
She glanced outside her living room windows at the dark expanse of park, the glittering lights on Coal Harbour. “It’s going.” She explained about the Christmas mysteries, then the fact that As The Heart Draws was shooting earlier than expected.
“Have you had any more thoughts about what to do?”
She sighed. “I’m trying to trust God with it.”
“You can trust God with it. With all of your future. Even with your young man. Now, how is he?”
She swallowed guiltily. She didn’t know. Not really. She’d backed off, scared by her feelings, scared he’d be the same as others, her fears intersecting with the pressures over her career, and so much more.
“Ains?”
“He’s good.” She hoped. She really should reply to his latest message.
“I’m glad, because I liked him. I have to admit that I was worried when I hadn’t seen any more pictures recently, not since that midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve.”
Ainsley closed her eyes. That perfect kiss.
“You are still together, aren’t you?” her aunt persisted.
“Aunty Win, you know this isn’t real.”
“I don’t think you should let that stop you.”
But she had to. Already she could feel her heart tensing, getting scared. They had to make it to Valentine’s Day, but what then? What if he didn’t want her? What if he proved to be just like the others and thought she was too much? Was too intimidating? Sure, he might earn more money and have a higher profile in some areas, but what if she herself was too much? Too much pain, too much brokenness, too much… everything.
“Well, that’s enough about me. How about you? How are you doing, Aunty Win?”
She internally braced, praying her mom was wrong.
But when her aunt sighed, she knew her fears hadn’t been unfounded.
“It’s not good news,” her aunt said.
“What have they said?” she whispered.
“It’s spreading. I’ve got a few months left.”
No, no, no! “But what about chemo? What about alternative therapies?”
“It’s too late for that. And I don’t want to spend what time I have left in hospitals, being pricked with nasty needles. Not when I can spend my time here, looking out on the water, and my trees, and plants. And painting when I can.”
“But you could come here. I could look after you.”
“Oh, God bless you. Your mother said the same. But I’d rather not be a burden to anyone. I like my company. I like the quiet. I can hear God better then.”
“Oh, Aunty Win.” She sniffled. Why God, why?
“Now, now. None of that. You know death comes to all of us in the end.”
“How can you be so calm about it?”
“Because I know my Maker, and I know where I will be.”
“I don’t want you to die. I love you.” Her voice was shaky.
“I love you too, darling girl. Come and visit me when you get the chance.”
“As soon as I can,” she promised. Maybe she could call in sick tomorrow. Heartsick, she’d call it.
Her aunt laughed softly. “Now, don’t be thinking of ways to get out of work to come see me.”
“How did you know?”
“Because I know you. I know you have a good heart.”
Those last words plucked her heartstrings. Zac had said something similar.
The call soon ended, and she let the tears spill as she slumped onto the carpet, thankful nobody except Louie could see her. Her aunt was dying. Dying! Yet so calm and brave.
She was neither calm nor brave. And with the anger she felt toward God right now, nor was she possessed of a good heart, despite what others may say.
Her aunt’s approaching death felt like the weightiest weight of all her burdens, slamming down on her heart so all the poisonous frustrations and pain leaked out. Oh, she was a mess. Little girls might think she was sweet and pretty, but she knew that was a mask. She wasn’t good. Wasn’t doing good, either.
Baden’s voice whispered as if from the grave: “You’re not as good as they say, Ainsley. You proved that tonight, didn’t you?”
His words might pertain to actions she knew were forgiven, but they had stayed there nonetheless, close to her heart where nobody could see. She might paste on a smile, and force herself to own a confidence she didn’t feel, but his words lay like a tumor, silently spreading, breaking off to attach somewhere else, always weaving, twisting through conversations, making her second-guess everything.
What to wear. What to eat. What to do. Even if God had truly forgiven her.
Baden had stolen her innocence—well, she’d given it away—but he’d made her think he cared and that she was special, so she’d given it up, only to prove the next morning that he’d been more about getting a notch in his bedpost rather than anything real.
She’d been so stupid, so naive, so desperate to believe someone like him might like someone like her.
And now he was back in town after all these years. What if he and Zac met? If he told him what she’d done? Zac would never look at her the same way again.
All of her goodness, her sweet persona, would be revealed as the desperate efforts of a broken lonely woman, someone who pushed others away to protect herself from hurt. The counselor she’d seen at Rosie’s instigation had made it plain. But knowing what was wrong with her was not the same as knowing how to change. To stop the hiss of lies. To learn to trust—really trust—again.
She needed to see Zac soon, to get another photo—Aunty Win’s call had made that plain. But she couldn’t keep using him. Not when it was obvious that she wasn’t the woman that he—or anyone else—believed her to be.
* * *
Zac glanced at Ainsley, while Chris and Diana’s visitors chatted. He’d hoped to bring her here himself, but she’d insisted on attending with Cassie and Harrison and showing them the way. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was yet another way she’d chosen to keep him at arm’s length. Another week had passed, which made it now far too long since their magical kiss. She’d at least replied to his request to catch up to say she’d needed to visit her aunt who was sick. He could appreciate that, but this relationship was feeling very one-sided, with pretty much no relating.
Vancouver’s game against Calgary had put the visitors in a celebratory mood. Calgary were playing Seattle tomorrow night, so had a morning flight, which had allowed for some time tonight to catch up at Chris and Diana’s. Their kids had stolen out of bed, which mightn’t have been ideal, but it was the only way to make sure that Diana could be a part of things.
They greeted him with an “Uncle Zac!” and Ainsley with an “Aunty Ainsley!” which softened her expression.
“It’s so good to see you again.” Diana hugged and welcomed people, as the chatter began about tonight’s game.
Along with Franklin and Hannah, his sports reporter wife, were Mike and Bree Vaughan, and Tom Chavez, the Calgary teammate who’d attended their last online Bible study group. Franklin’s sister Cassie and her boyfriend Harrison Woods, the one who played Ainsley’s love interest in As The Heart Draws , had come too. But all the extra faces meant nearly nothing as he was focused on the woman he’d missed so much.
“Hey you.”
Ainsley smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “You played well tonight.”
“We should’ve won, but stuff happens.” Nik, their backup goalie, had proved why he was that. At one point, Zac had even heard murmurs that they should put Chris in. But Chris needed the occasional night off, especially in the lead up to the playoffs, and Nik needed more game experience. Plus, they’d thought they’d win against Calgary. Clearly, Chris was the difference maker.
He drew Ainsley to one side, as the others continued their conversations. “So, are you doing okay? I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too,” she admitted.
His heart eased. Good. “We should go on another date soon. Get the chance to talk.”
“That’d be good.”
He wished he could take her somewhere more private now and have the talk they needed. In those moments when she wasn’t talking with others, Ainsley looked tense, worried, a pleat in her brow that she probably didn’t know was there. He wished he could kiss it away.
“So, Ainsley Beckett and her boyfriend.”
Zac caught the way she stiffened as her co-star side-hugged her. Was that because of the hug or the boyfriend comment?
The man stuck out his hand. “Hey, I’m Harrison Woods.”
Zac shook it. “I know. I’m Zac.”
“I know.” Harrison grinned. “I gotta say, I’m a little surprised you know who I am.”
He wouldn’t be if he knew that Zac had trawled the internet for pictures of Ainsley’s co-stars over the years and compared the video of her kisses with them with the sizzler he’d experienced fourteen days ago.
Cassie James joined Harrison, then shook Zac’s hand too. “It’s good to meet you.”
“You too.”
Ainsley’s shoulders dropped, like she was relaxed with Cassie in a way she wasn’t relaxed with him. What was that about?
Ainsley focused on Cassie. “So, I heard a rumor from Rosie that As The Heart Draws was looking at starting filming a little earlier this year. I figured you’d know more about that.”
“I run the western movie plot at our ranch,” Cassie explained to Zac. “Just in case you didn’t know.”
He nodded. “I do now.”
Cassie turned to Ainsley. “Yeah, I don’t know why Mal wants to do that, but he requested and we said yes. You know we love that show. And not just for the revenue it brings in.”
He watched Ainsley’s face, saw her expression freeze for a second. Then realized this was the show she had once talked about quitting. So this was her friend, whose ranch needed the income of that show. The show that if Ainsley quit might be no more. Poor thing. No wonder she was feeling pressure. He placed a hand on her back.
Ainsley glanced up at him and he offered an encouraging smile.
Her lips tweaked and she leaned into his side. “Um, Cassie, while I’m remembering, do you think it’s possible for Zac’s mom to come visit the set one day while we’re filming the new season?”
“I’m sure we can work something out,” Cassie agreed easily.
“Thanks,” Zac said. “My mom’s a huge fan, so that would make her year.”
More small talk followed, then Harrison eyed Zac. “So, I’m gonna guess you’re a Christian.”
“Because?” What gave it away?
“Because Ainsley here said she’d never date a man who wasn’t one.”
Oh.
Harrison winked. “I definitely wouldn’t have known if I’d only judged from that kiss that broke the internet.”
“It didn’t break the internet,” Ainsley protested, blushing.
“Oh, it melted a little,” Cassie said.
“And I’m just gonna say that you’re a lucky man, if she’s said yes to you.”
Zac hugged her closer. “I know I’m a lucky man.”
His words fell into one of those silences that made his words sound louder than he’d meant. He glanced across the room, saw Chris and Diana’s concerned faces, saw the others’ smiles. Except for Ainsley, whose smile was wide but wasn’t reflected in her eyes. Had he said something wrong?
He continued to notice her quietness the rest of the evening. Their gathering tonight couldn’t last long, not with most of the Calgary crew with early flights tomorrow, although he’d heard Bree said she was going to see her brother and sister-in-law who lived in Vancouver.
“I didn’t know you had a brother here,” Ainsley said.
“Everyone knows my twin, Brent.” Bree rolled her eyes. “But yes, Dean, my older brother has lived here with his wife Laura and their kids for years.”
“What’s he do?” Zac asked.
“He does something in property law, I think. I can never really remember.” Bree smiled. “Sorry. I’m just a bit excited to see one of my favorite actresses in real life. I don’t know if it makes it really awkward or something, but Ainsley, I’d love a photo with you if that’s okay.”
“Sure.”
They posed, and Zac took the photo, which seemed to be the invitation for a whole bunch more. He wasn’t sure how many of these would get posted on Instagram or other places, but if it kept alive the idea of Ainsley and Zac being a couple, that had to be a good thing, right?
It had to be a good thing. They were a good thing. They could remain a good thing. He didn’t want this to end.
But when he drove Ainsley back to her apartment, his hopes of finally talking to her about their future were shot down when she admitted she was tired.
“We can arrange a date another time,” he said.
“Thanks.” She rubbed her eyes.
“How are things going with the mysteries show?”
“Not as easy as I’d hoped. I just… I just have a lot of things I’m trying to sort out, and it’s a little more complicated than I’d thought.”
“You mean about Cassie and the ranch and the show?”
“I still feel so torn.” She sighed. “I felt like such a fake, acting like I’m excited about another season when I’m not sure I want to do that.”
“You’re a good actor.”
His words echoed in his heart. She was a good actor. How could he know if she thought any of this was real? They’d barely spent time together recently. Did that mean she’d withdrawn? He tangled her fingers with his. “Hey, are we okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“You and me. You know you can talk to me about anything.”
She wet her lip, in a move that looked nervous, and didn’t fill him with confidence about what she obviously did not want to say. “Ainsley? Have I done something wrong?”
“No. You’ve been great.”
“Do you mean I’ve been great, or the idea of me as your boyfriend has been great?”
She ducked her head.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
She exhaled, and he could suddenly see the tension in her face again. “Ains?”
“Aunty Win is dying.”
He jerked the steering wheel, had to correct it again. “Are you serious?”
“She’s had cancer for a while, and I’m trying to get this house rezoned and there are hiccups with the planning approvals. It’s just taking so long that I’m starting to wonder if it’s even gonna happen before…” She swallowed, as a tear trickled down her cheek.
“Oh, Ains, I’m so sorry.”
She swiped at her tears, and he wished he could pull over. It wasn’t long now until he could pull into her apartment’s drive, and he could hug her. How could he be focused on his own need for clarity about his relationship with her when she was dealing with matters of literal life and death?
“Is there something that can be done?”
“About my aunt? They’ve given her only a few months, and she’s refusing more treatment.”
His heart panged. “I’m really sorry.”
“Even the house…” She sighed and shook her head. “A neighbor raised objections which means it’s going to take even longer.”
“I wish I could help somehow.”
“It helps to talk about it. I don’t really want to talk about my aunt dying to my family. It’s hard enough for them as it is.”
“I wish I wasn’t going away this week.”
“Me too.”
He pulled in, parked, and after greeting an excited Michael, walked her to the elevator then her apartment door.
She unlocked it, then turned to him. “Thanks for bringing me home.”
He scuffed a shoe on the carpet, wondering how to ask to stay a little longer—to talk, nothing more—without it sounding sleazy.
She clasped a hand over her mouth as she yawned. “It’s getting late.” Her smile held apology. “I don’t want you to be tired tomorrow, so I should let you go.”
“I can’t go until I do this.” He wrapped his arms around her, and just held her. She tucked her head into the crook of his neck and held on tight.
They stood, silent, and he prayed for her, while Louie protested the lack of attention. “You’re not in this on your own,” Zac assured her. “People care about you. Your family, Cassie, Harrison, Diana, me.”
She squeezed in tighter, and he pressed a kiss to her head. He hadn’t kissed her, not really, since New Year’s Eve. Well, the kisses they’d shared in public had more of the show kiss feel about them than the passion of that one in the middle of the dance floor.
“Ainsley,” I love you, he nearly said. But reined it in. That was something better left for Valentine’s Day, which was only a few weeks away. “I’m here for you. As much as I can be, anyway,” he added wryly. “Whatever you need, okay?”
“You’re so good to me,” she murmured.
“That’s because,” I love you , he nearly spilled again. “I care for you.”
She released her arms, glanced up at him, then tugged his face down.
But instead of kissing him on the lips, her mouth found his cheek, and she lingered there a little. “Thank you.”
He turned, hoping to brush her lips with his, but she pulled back, eased away, and stepped inside her apartment, her hand on the front door. “It’s late, and I have work tomorrow.”
“See you soon?”
She nodded.
“I’ll message you and we’ll plan a date. It’d be good to talk soon, Ainsley. To really talk. I feel like there are things to say.”
“Oh, there are.”
Her mouth pulled up in another of those expressions he guessed could be called a show smile, because there wasn’t much real about that.
And he returned downstairs, and wondered what she wasn’t saying. And whether she could ever see a future with him at all.