Chapter 24
CHAPTER 24
F or a guy who’d just broken up with the woman of his dreams, binge watching all of her shows was probably not the smartest idea. But then again, he made no claims to smarts. He’d proved it when he’d said yes to the scheme in the first place. Stupid Zac. Stupid Zac who got exactly what Stupid Zac deserved.
He’d hoped watching her shows, seeing her smiles, hearing her voice would get her out of his system, but it didn’t seem to work. It only fed the ache within, an ache that only magnified when the next online Bible discussion happened, and he had to pretend he was really happy about Luc’s engagement. Which he managed. Just. He was happy for the dude, just wasn’t sure how long he could keep the smile from sliding off his dial.
“You and Ainsley looked like you had fun,” Ryan said.
What could he say that wasn’t a lie? “The food was nice. Plenty of romance in the air.” Just not for him.
Chris peered at him, and he was super glad to have joined from his own place for once. No way did he want to give the dude any clue. Because none of his teammates knew. Not even Chris. Look at him. He’d become such a good actor he could still fool everyone around. Nobody knew the truth.
But then, he’d gotten so good at pretending that he’d fooled himself as well.
They managed to keep the charade going for another week or so, but the hurt in his heart soon started to leak. A barked comment here, a dropped blue word there, the careful lines he’d lived within were blurred.
“Dude, what’s going on?” Drew asked in the locker room after training one day. “You haven’t scored a goal in the last three games. Is your back still hurting?”
His back. A convenient enough excuse. “Yeah.”
“Man.” Drew shook his head. “I kind of hate Mitch Reilly for what he did. We need you well. When you had that time off it didn’t go well for us—”
Two losses.
“—and we need you fit for the playoffs.”
“Playoffs are still two months away.”
“That’ll come sooner than you think.” Drew eyed him. “Are you and Ainsley doing okay?”
His throat clamped and he gritted his jaw and looked away.
“Dude.”
He coughed, stood. Had to get away. Drew’s hand on his arm stopped him. Zac eyed it, then eyed Drew. “Get your hand off me.”
“No. You need to talk to someone.”
“I don’t.”
“You do. Hey, Chris!”
Zac shook his head. He definitely didn’t need to speak to him. “Leave me alone.”
“What’s going on?” Chris asked. Their other teammates were watching.
He was so sick and tired of being on show. “I’m out.”
Chris pointed at him. “You’re coming with me. You too,” he said to Drew.
Twenty minutes later they were sitting in Chris’s living room, coffee in hands while Zac had green tea. He didn’t touch his, though, too edgy, too tired, too conscious he was likely to reveal too much and expose the great Zac Parotti the hockey world envied as being pathetically insecure and stupid and naive.
“Zac, man. What’s been going on?” Chris asked, in a soft voice Zac had never heard him use before.
Maybe it was the softness of his tone that slid under his defenses, but his eyes welled up with the tears he hadn’t dared shed since Valentine’s Day. He breathed in deep to combat them, but had to glove his eyes anyway.
“It’s Ainsley,” Drew said.
“Did you two finally break up?” Chris asked.
He knew that? That’s right, of course he did. Zac himself had told him and Diana about it at the start. He jerked his chin.
“I’m sorry, man.”
“Yeah, me too,” said Drew.
“You knew this was going to happen, though,” Chris continued. “Like, me and Diana, we warned you.”
“Huh? I don’t think that’s helping the dude,” Drew muttered.
“I think it’s called tough love,” Chris said flatly.
“I don’t need that right now,” Zac managed to finally say. “I just need her.”
“No, you don’t. You need God to be God in this moment. To let Him show you His love and show what real love really looks like.”
“I know what it really looks like,” he snapped. “What do you think I’ve been doing these past few months? Do you know how hard it has been to keep putting her first when she only wanted to be friends?”
“Friends?” Drew murmured. “I thought…”
“It was fake,” Zac retorted. “All of it fake.”
“But that kiss on New Year’s Eve?”
His heart buckled. That sure hadn’t been fake. On his side, at least. “She’s obviously a better actress than we all realized.”
“But why would you two do that?”
His reasons seemed so stupid now. “She wanted to fix her man-eater rep and I wanted time to figure out how to treat a woman right, now that I’m a Christian.”
“You’re a Christian?”
“Yes! Haven’t I told you this before?”
“No.”
The word clanged conviction through him. “I haven’t?”
Drew pointed to Chris. “He did, but I thought he was clowning around like he always does.”
“Hey!” Chris protested.
“And okay,” Drew continued, “maybe, now I think about it, you did say something, but you never said anything much since.”
Zac studied Drew, his friend. His friend, who needed Jesus, but to whom he’d never really owned up about his faith in any real or deep way. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For not being more upfront. Yes, I’m a Christian. I’ve realized for a few years now that something was missing in my life despite all the wins. So I’d noticed Chris was weird but had peace, so we talked, I learned about God, and it made sense, and here we are.”
“ You’re a Christian.”
He nodded. “A pretty bad one, obviously, because I keep getting things wrong, but I gave my life to Jesus and I’m trying to do things His way.”
“Wow.”
Zac’s lips tweaked. “And look, I know it mightn’t look like it right now, but I truly am glad that I have God in my life. I’ve found a deeper peace and assurance that helps give purpose to my days. There’s a whole lot of stuff that fills our lives that really is kind of meaningless when you stop to think about it.”
“I’d be okay with some of your stuff.”
“No, no you wouldn’t. All it does is distract you for a little while. What’s the point in fame or money? It’s gone in the blink of an eye. Even a Stanley Cup win only lasts a season.”
“I can’t believe you just said that,” Drew muttered.
“But it’s true. It’s like this game we all play, being busy, focused on things that don’t last, when a peek behind the curtains shows there’s a much bigger game that’s at play.”
Zac took in a breath, the words seeming to crystallize in his brain and spout from his mouth. “When you think about it, like really think about it, if God isn’t there, then what’s the point of our lives? We live, we die, we’re done. There’s no point to wanting to make a better world, there’s no real value in wanting to improve our lives, because it’s based in what others see, which is basically pride, isn’t it?”
Drew stared at him.
“Isn’t it?” Zac repeated.
Drew coughed. “Well, yeah.”
“But if God is there, if He is real, if He sent His Son Jesus Christ to the planet to show people a way to connect to God, to follow Him, and find real purpose in this world that doesn’t just die when we do, then don’t you think that’s worthwhile?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Yeah. So I found real meaning and purpose for my life when I surrendered it to God. And I know I mightn’t have been very vocal about why I’ve done this, but I’m hoping to change that. Starting now.”
“Good for you.” Chris fist-bumped him.
Drew’s lips rolled in, and he glanced away.
Chris studied Zac. “You know, you say you want to do things God’s way, and I think you are.”
“What do you mean?”
“You said before you wanted to figure out how to do Christian relationships, and I know Diana and I encouraged you to focus on being Ainsley’s friend, and I feel like that’s what she’s needed. She needs time to figure out what God has for her.”
Huh. Hadn’t he said something similar to her on Valentine’s Day?
“And you’re learning what real love is. It’s not just kisses and romance. Real love is gritty and real, and sometimes it’s not pretty. And, there’s a place for fluffy ducks and rainbows and roses, but sometimes love means dealing with dirty diapers and not screaming at your kids because they pushed you to the limit, and your husband is rarely home and doesn’t seem to notice so you don’t say anything.”
Zac caught movement in the background, and saw Diana lean against the doorway. Her cheeks were wet.
“That’s real love,” Chris continued. “That takes power beyond what we can do ourselves. It takes Jesus and the Holy Spirit to help us love patiently, and with kindness, and without envy or selfishness or pride. I’ve been blessed to be married to a woman who exhibits that kind of love daily, and that makes me want to be a better husband—”
Someone who husbands her.
“—and things might be over between you and Ainsley for the moment, but it doesn’t mean it’s forever.”
“Amen,” Diana murmured.
Chris glanced behind him. “You heard that?”
She drew near, placed her arms around his neck and kissed him. “I heard the best part.”
“I love you, baby.” Chris turned and smooched his wife.
She laughed as he pulled her into his lap, and fanned her face. “Not in front of the children.”
“What children?” Chris asked.
“These two,” she gestured to Zac and Drew.
“It’s okay, we’ll get out of your hair so you can enjoy your special cuddles.” Zac smirked.
Chris laughed, as Diana blushed even harder. “And here I was all prepared to offer sympathy.”
He pushed back his shoulders. “I’m okay now.” He didn’t need sympathy. He didn’t even need Ainsley. Not really. “Chris was right. I need to remember what God’s love looks like for me, and then I can share that with others.”
And it was up to them whether they received it. Whether their names be Drew. Logan. Mitch. Ma.
Or Ainsley.
* * *
“Girl, you look sad,” Emmett said.
Ainsley instantly went to smile, then realized what she’d done, and let her face fall back into a neutral expression. Which apparently equaled sad, so perhaps not so neutral.
“You okay?” he persisted.
Ainsley shrugged. “I don’t know.” She gestured to where her brother was laughing with several friends here to celebrate his birthday. “Tonight’s about Mack, so let’s keep the focus on him.”
“Honey, I keep the focus on him all the time. It’s okay if it’s shared. You know he cares about you.”
“I do.” But she also knew that Mack needed to have fun tonight, especially with their parents unable to come, thanks to spending time with Aunty Win. Mack might fill his world with distractions and try to deny God’s reality in his life, but she could tell their aunt’s approaching death was affecting him. And while she was stressed and heartbroken and frustrated about so many things, she knew being here was important for the sake of their family, and important for Mack to know that not all Christians excluded him. If she could be here to show him she loved him, she figured that was like a little link to show God’s love.
Emmett smiled, like he understood some of her reasons. He probably would never understand all. Unlike Mack, who had grown up as a Christian then walked away when enticed into the theatrical world, Emmett had never admitted to any type of awareness about God. She knew he thought their beliefs “quaint” but appreciated that they weren’t as judgy as some. And while she knew love was the bridge to seeing both men find real peace, she couldn’t help but think about how they had gotten here. A remark here, a too-long look there, thoughts entertained, a touch, more. A heart hardened little by little until previous beliefs were dismissed or now begged to be forgiven for.
She sank into the plush sofa, a find from a leftover production, complete with gilt legs. And it wasn’t just the men here filled with pride. She saw how she was guilty of the same. How she had let thoughts in, been puffed up with pride, allowed others to shape her world and influence everything from her roles to her appearance. Zac was right. Who was the real Ainsley?
“You look deep in thought,” Mack said, plonking himself beside her. He gestured to a nearby plate of delectables. “Have some sushi.”
“No, thanks.” Her thoughts from a moment ago swung back to memory. “Actually, yes.” And before she could second-guess herself, she snatched one and stuffed it in her mouth. “Yum.”
Mack laughed. “You can eat the whole thing before offering commentary.”
She smiled, and used the proffered napkin to wipe away a few stray grains of rice. “That was so good.”
“Thank Carson over there. Hey Carson, you’ve got another fan!”
A man waggled fingers at her, and she smiled.
Mack’s attention returned to Ainsley, his humor fading as he frowned. “You look like you needed it. You look like you haven’t eaten for a week.”
That’s because she hadn’t.
“I know you’ve been stressed, but you need to eat more, Ains.”
Zac had said the same. She pressed her lips together.
“Hey, speaking of eating, where is that handsome hockey hunk of yours? I haven’t seen you post about him in nearly two weeks.”
She drew in a breath, exhaled slowly. “You know I’ve been busy with Aunty Win and the house and all the paperwork around that.”
His expression sobered. No. Her brother had long been able to read her. Pasting on a smile didn’t fly with him. “You broke up?” he whispered.
Now she did have to smile, for herself, if not for him. “It was fake, the whole time.”
“Ainsley.”
She shook her head. “We discussed it, you know that, I told you.”
“It wasn’t fake,” he murmured. “Anyone with half an eye could see that man was into you.”
“Which he shouldn’t have been,” she murmured. “We agreed not to fall in love.”
“And how did that work out for you?”
She glared at him.
“Yeah, I thought so.”
“Alistair!” He clicked his fingers. “We need you. It’s an emergency.”
“What? What are you doing?”
“What everyone should do after a breakup.”
A gasp came around the room. “Did Zac Parotti break up with you?” Carson looked outraged.
“I broke up with him,” she admitted. Or he had with her. So much about that night now felt like a blur.
“Was he too hot to handle?” Emmett teased.
“What? No. He was perfect. The perfect gentleman. He just…”
“Just what?” Mack frowned and clenched his fists, like he thought he could take Zac in a fight. “What did he do?”
“He lied to me.”
“What did he say?” Mack’s gaze slitted.
“That he had always wanted to be more than… just friends.”
Emmett laughed.
“What?”
“Well, of course he wanted to be more than friends. Any straight man would. Have you seen yourself?”
She looked across the room to the gilt-edged antique mirror. Her tired face. Her long tired hair. She’d looked the same way forever thanks to playing Abigail all these years. How could any man want that?
“Ainsley, if I may,” Alistair, Mack’s hairstylist friend, said. “You know what you need? A new do.”
“A new do?”
“Look, honey, nobody wants to hear the truth, but I’m gonna give it to you anyway. Your hair is beautiful as it is, but you’re not living in the 1800s. You can cut it, you know.”
“I know, but my stylist, Trudi, will think I’m cheating on her.” She’d said it a million times. “And Rosie my agent will likely have kittens.”
“You do remember that woman works for you, right?” Mack murmured.
She glanced across at her reflection. Saw the face of a person she didn’t want to be anymore. Lifted her chin, and nodded. “Let’s do it.”