11. Jack #2
When I could finally take a breath deep enough to pull my head from her shoulder, I could barely bring myself to look into her eyes.
She didn’t care, though. Of course, she didn’t.
The woman before me was utter perfection.
A true caretaker at heart. She simply pulled me closer and wrapped her arms around me in a tight embrace.
I let myself relax and bring my arms around her waist.
“Mags–”
“What was that?” There was so much concern in her voice that another sob threatened to return before I forced it down.
A few moments passed before I could answer. Funny how I was always this confident, cocky asshole to everyone, so sure that this weak part of me was covered up enough so no one would ever suspect it, and yet Maggie witnessing a panic attack made me feel like a piece of dirt on the floor.
It was mortifying.
“A panic attack.” My voice was still a rasp as I attempted to get the words out. A small sigh left Maggie’s mouth and slipped into my ear.
Terror flooded my brain. She couldn’t be worried about me.
She had enough to worry about. I didn’t need anyone taking care of me.
This wasn’t Jack Hennicke. This was the broken little kid that always asked where his mother was, the kid that couldn’t do good for the life of him.
The kid who wanted just one more chance to prove himself worthy.
“Do you have them often?” She whispered so softly, I almost didn’t register it.
“No.”
“What was it about?”
I didn’t dare pull away from her. It was dark, but she was close enough to see my puffy eyes. “Just a bad dream.”
“Jack.” I heard the warning in her voice. There was a pause. “Don’t you think I know you’re just as terrified as I am? Don’t you know that if we don’t work together through this journey, neither of us is going to make it? Don’t you know I’m here for you every step of the way?”
“I’m supposed to be the one saying those things.”
“No, you’re supposed to come to me when you’re worried about things like this.”
I sighed.
“You shouldn’t give in to toxic masculinity, you know.
” She spoke so matter-of-factly, I let out a soft chuckle before tightening my grip on her.
She was so wise beyond her years. It baffled me that she didn’t see herself fit to take on a relationship.
Maggie Rynne was a gem to be cherished, and I loved that she wasn’t afraid to call me on my shit.
“Look…you don’t have to come crying to me if you’re having a bad day, but I do want you to come to me about your concerns.
It’s not good to go through this alone. Whatever happens, I've got you.”
She repeated the same reassuring words I had given her in the car the other day.
This woman was fucking magnificent. So strong. A woman I would never live up to being worthy of, even if I wanted more with her.
I couldn’t say anything. I just pulled her tighter into my arms and held on for the weak moment I let myself have.
Maggie
When I woke up to the sounds of heavy breathing and covers moving in the middle of the night, I saw the last thing I expected in the bedroom across from mine.
It was well past midnight, and I was barely awake, but hearing panicked breaths from across the hallway alarmed me.
Running into Jack’s room as quickly as I could, I found him in a state of utter panic and distress.
He was heaving, his hands clutching his chest, rising and falling quicker than it should have been, his eyes were squeezed shut, and his legs trembled.
I never thought I would find Jack in a state so extreme.
It stripped him of his mask in so many ways.
It pushed me to see him as more human than I had before, but I had no idea it meant panic attacks.
And to this degree?
God, it broke me.
We were still in the first few days of everything changing.
I didn’t blame him for feeling stressed and overwhelmed—I felt guilty.
While Jack put on his strong facade of making everything work and taking care of me every time I freaked out about something, I was unknowingly breaking him down until he hit rock bottom.
Still feeling terrible and unable to admit all of this to him now, I clutched him while his breathing slowed.
“Thank you,” Jack whispered into my shoulder.
I held him tighter. My small hands on his bare, muscular torso made the moment all the more intimate.
He returned with an even stronger grip around my waist. His corded muscles and the hard plane of his chest were taut, his body still revealing his heavy breaths.
“Please just tell me how you’re feeling next time so this doesn’t happen again. ”
“We’re kids,” he could barely get the words out. “We don’t know anything about raising a kid…or being married for that matter.”
My heart raced. He was right. We had no idea what we were doing here.
We knew nothing about babies. Neither of us had good examples of marriage to look up to.
And even while Jack had a great father to be influenced by, I had no idea what made a good mother.
I could barely remember my own, let alone remember what it felt like to feel a mother’s love.
“Do you want to go home?” I sure didn’t.
“No.”
“Do you want to stay here?”
Jack swallowed. “Will you stay with me?”
“Always.”
Jack shifted me in his arms so I was curled into his chest and laid us down in the bed.
It was the first night we had spent together that we stayed this close on purpose.
I figured Jack would let me go and make himself comfortable, but he didn’t.
He held me close against his chest until his breathing finally evened out and sleep took over.
I couldn’t sleep yet. Not with the sensitive and courageous and beautiful man lying next to me.
My chin tilted up to try to make out his face.
His eyes were swollen, and the small slit on his bottom lip suggested he bit it hard when he freaked out.
His heart rate finally slowed. My left ear pressed up against it, listening to the rhythm abate.
How did it take me this many years to learn the few things about Jack I knew now?
For nearly a decade, I brushed him off as a rich playboy who had little care for other women’s feelings.
I deemed him unimportant because he acted as if he didn’t have genuine emotion, and I fell for every bit of the act.
He pushed everyone and every feeling away until it was far enough to shield.
So nothing could damage his delicate skin.
Maybe we couldn’t be lovers. But I was damn set on giving my all to our family.