12. Maggie
Chapter twelve
Maggie
Padding out of the bedroom and down the stairs, I opened the refrigerator before realizing nothing was inside except leftover pizza from the night before.
We were both too tired to go out and find dinner last night, let alone go grocery shopping.
It was too early to buy groceries, so I decided to make myself useful and feed the horses.
Stealing a jacket off the hook by the kitchen's back door, I drowned in the oversized suede and inhaled the musky leather scent that was so Jack .
I took one look at my coat hanging on the hook and decided that this was the right decision.
The sun had only just risen, leaving a film of dew on the grass below my boots.
I pulled the jacket over my shoulders as I headed to the barn.
It was slightly foggy, making the horses look like blurred shadows in their paddocks.
I clicked my tongue a few times to get their attention, and Finn lifted his head towards me.
“Come on, babies! Breakfast time!” A few more horses began walking toward the fence gate when they saw me enter the barn.
Walking into the feed room that we barely unpacked last night, I reached for a few scoops of grain and shoved them into the freshly opened bag.
I balanced four scoops in my arms and made my way down the aisle of the barn, emptying the scoops into the horses’ buckets.
It took me about twenty minutes to prep the barn before bringing the horses inside.
In each stall, fresh shavings now covered the floors, two full water buckets hung on the wall, another bucket held the horses’ grain, and two flakes of hay sat in the corner.
I stuffed my cold hands in the oversized jacket while heading to the gate to bring the horses in.
Finn and Neva—one a chestnut and one a gray with flea-bitten, brown spots—waited impatiently by the gate, shoving each other out of the way.
I laughed. It was always a contest to see who would be let into the barn first. A few whinnies followed behind the two polo ponies, and damn, it looked like a movie scene.
The illuminated sky, still slightly orange from the sunrise, was bigger than I could’ve imagined.
Small, translucent clouds dotted the horizon.
Eight horses galloped toward the gate, emerging from the fog like shadows into light.
The sounds of hooves clopping on grass, the vibrations below the ground from the power of the most beautiful creatures on the planet, the snorts they let out as they began approaching the gate—all of it brought me the most peaceful and serene euphoria.
My life might have been a chaotic storm in the ocean, but these animals just did something to me.
Their mellow eyes kept me safe. Their soft coats reminded me that I always had somewhere to come back to when I felt out of place.
Their presence made me feel the most at home I had ever felt in my life.
I owed them everything because they gave me their all without a thought of reimbursement.
A smile enveloped my face as I nabbed a few halters from the fencepost and opened the gate.
I carefully entered the paddock, making sure none of the horses could slip out.
It had happened before. When they were hungry, they were relentless and sneaky.
When five horses’ halters were fastened, I led them through the gate in a manner that should have earned me a gymnastics medal.
Angry snorts from behind made me chuckle at the horses’ jealousy for not being brought to their stalls first. I repeated the cycle so all ten horses graciously munched grain and hay in their stalls.
Giving every horse a few scratches on the nose, I relished the feeling that this could be my life for as long as I wanted.
“How’s everybody doing?” A deep voice from a few yards away startled me.
I nearly jumped seeing Jack standing in the doorway of the barn.
His hair was tousled in that perfect bedhead wave, and he still had on his gray sweatpants that he slept in the night before—except now he sported a tight white t-shirt that stretched across his chest. The chest I rested my head on all night.
I looked down to survey my own outfit: sleep shorts, an old youth polo championship t-shirt covered by Jack’s coat, and my paddock boots.
My hair was tied into a rat’s nest on top of my head, but that was basically my uniform when I checked on the horses.
They usually didn’t judge me for my wardrobe choices.
“Happy and fed,” I answered. “Neva and Finn were especially excited to get their breakfast this morning.” I rubbed Finn’s forehead.
“Per usual. So they must not mind the change too much.” He sounded optimistic, but I could tell he was talking about more than just the horses.
I nodded. “Yeah, we’ll just have to keep an eye out for any displacement issues with the grass.”
An uncomfortable tension buzzed between us.
Neither wanted to bring up the events of last night, but it felt like we needed to cross that bridge to fall back into our normal, friendly routine.
Except nothing about us was normal. Not anymore.
We went from kids who barely knew each other, to hookup buddies, to boss and employee, to…
pregnant and faking a marriage. There was no normal way to approach what was going on with us.
“I was thinking we could take a drive around the club later and navigate where everything is.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, avoiding eye contact, and walked up and down the stalls, inspecting them.
“Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.” When Jack didn’t look over at me, disappointment coated my being. I was a hypocrite to expect anything different from Jack when I had promised myself I wouldn’t let him affect me, but last night was a line I didn’t think either of us expected to cross.
Seeing Jack in such a state rattled me, and I was sure the feeling was tenfold for him.
It was so personal. So vulnerable. How could I help but promise Jack I would take care of him in the same ways he promised to take care of me?
“I was going to run to the grocery store and stock up on some food while the horses ate.”
“Okay. I’ll start unpacking everything from the trailer.” Jack’s figure was tense, hands jammed in his pockets, and head tucked down. He didn’t look at me for a split second as he went to the tack and feed room to survey the space.
“I can do either.”
“I can handle the heavy lifting,” he stated bluntly. “We can split tasks to work faster.”
Clearly, he was in no mood to talk about what happened, but he decided to make it evident that he didn’t want to talk at all. I wasn’t going to push him to talk about it, but if Jack wanted his space after last night, he could have it.
“Alright then, I’ll see you later,” I waved, even though he wasn’t looking at me.
Jack waved me off as I announced my departure.
A slight pain punctured my chest watching him act so nonchalant after breaking down in my arms the night before.
He was open and willing to talk about anything with me one minute, and gruff and quiet the next.
I processed my thoughts as I went through the motions of getting dressed, grabbing the keys to Jack’s truck, and heading out the door.
Since I had no idea where I was going, fumbling with the GPS was a struggle. I had lived in my small Pennsylvania town all my life—except for my college years—and never had to find directions anywhere. My phone’s map finally gave me directions to the nearest grocery store.
Because it was so dark when we arrived the night before, I couldn’t appreciate the beauty of my new home for the time being.
Driving the roads out of the Golden Meadow Polo Club, I was graced with a view of lush green polo fields and cottonwood trees peppering the open space.
Yellow hills marked the end of the open grass on my left, and mountains sat in the distance like shadows on my right.
I passed a few barns along the road, polo ponies filling the pastures, bringing me the home-like feeling I didn’t know I needed.
I felt strangely comfortable here. And while it was only my first time driving these roads, I truly felt like I might be… okay . The unfamiliar, lost feeling wasn’t looming as heavily in my stomach as it had been the last few days. Golden Meadow was our safe haven, at least for now.
I still had no idea what the plan was for this baby growing inside of me, no career ideas to support myself for the next eight months until I could play polo again, and a massive fear that Jack would never be completely open with me, but…
I had to start thinking like a mother. Someone who pushed her hardships to the side and put her child first. I would be okay, but this baby wouldn’t be if I didn’t get my shit together. I had been through enough in my life and gotten through just fine. Scarred, but fine.
I finally pulled into the grocery store parking lot, grabbed a shopping cart, and scavenged the aisles for everything I could think of.
Jack snacked a lot on the drive over here, so I made sure to pick out some of his favorites—almonds, dried apricots, and sunflower seeds.
Wandering down the aisles, my feet stopped me right in front of the baby diaper section.
There were so many options. Literally, an entire shelving wall was covered in boxes with options for different ages, sizes, and materials.
It was overwhelming. I tried to shake the nerves coming up my spine at the thought of having to buy these in just a few months, but I couldn’t help looking into the little model’s eyes. What was he, six months maybe?
Hell, if I knew. I hadn’t been around kids, let alone babies, for as long as I could remember.
My life had nothing to do with kids. The few times I saw them around the polo trailers, they ran around like maniacs, begging to spook a horse.
There was so much I needed to learn before the baby came, so much to prepare for, so much to buy.
I would have to put in some serious hours to afford everything for the new baby.
My mind combed through what I could do to make money while still helping Jack with all of his horses.
How we could afford this lifestyle or a fucking baby .
I had to brush it off before the anxious thoughts could overtake my new mindset of doing everything without a second thought. I had to do this. For Jack. For myself. For our baby.
Now all I had to do was prove to myself that I was capable.
***
“Maggie?” The back door opened and closed while I stocked the refrigerator with groceries.
As many times as I had done this at home, now it felt like I was actually adulting.
There were more vegetables and cookable food in this refrigerator now, rather than six cases of beer.
Jack didn’t request alcohol, and I wasn’t sure if it was because he knew I didn’t drink or because he simply didn’t want anything.
“In here,” I called back, unaware of Jack’s whereabouts. Footsteps echoed closer to my spot in the kitchen until I caught that crisp leather scent and felt his presence behind me.
“I’m sorry.”
I turned to find Jack with his head hung low, eyes pleading, and stance uncomfortable. Searching his eyes for a further explanation, I closed the door to the refrigerator and focused on him. “What for?”
“Last night. This morning. The past few weeks.”
My heart dropped a little in my chest. He had seen me break down half a dozen times in the last week, and he was apologizing? Jack had no idea how grateful I was for his display of emotions the night before, despite how intense it was to witness.
I needed him as much as he needed me. We both needed that reminder.
“Do you remember what I said last night?”
He flinched at the mention of it.
“You can’t apologize for that, Jack. Everything between us has been a rollercoaster, and we’re still trying to figure it all out.”
“Look, Maggie, I didn’t mean for you to see that. I don’t want you to think I need to be taken care of because of what happened once.”
With how unresponsive he was last night, I doubted that it was the first time he’d had a panic attack. Pain struck my chest at the idea of him suffering in silence. “We both need to take care of each other. We can’t just stand around pretending everything is fine when it’s not.”
“It’s worked this far.” He shrugged. “I’ll be here to take care of you, Mags, but what happened last night is never happening again.”
He grimaced, and I turned my cheek away, trying to look at anything but his sad eyes. “That’s not fair. You don’t get to be the one picking up the pieces every issue leaves while I’m here questioning whether or not you’re okay.”
“It doesn’t matter what I am.” A sliver of fear hid behind his words.
It was the first time I’d heard him say something without the certainty he always carried himself with.
He inhaled a breath and tilted his head back.
“I’m sorry. I’m not used to this. I’ve never taken care of anyone this way, and I don’t need anyone asking if I’m okay. ”
“Then why don’t you let me help you?” I asked genuinely.
“Because I don’t need it. I don’t want you to build up this heroic version of me in your head just for me to let you down. I won’t impress you, trust me.”
I looked at him just long enough to know that he was serious.
He just told me that, no doubt, he was going to fuck this up.
I couldn’t stand there and listen to Jack lie through his teeth about how he couldn’t be a good man to me when he had been nothing but that for the past week.
But could I change his mind? If he didn’t let me in, I couldn’t help him.
Couldn’t convince him that he was a good fucking man.
My gaze dropped his, and I slipped between him and the refrigerator, heading for the back door.
“Maggie.” A firm voice made me pause before turning the door knob. I wouldn’t dare turn back to face him. Maybe he would change his mind. Maybe he would ask me to come back and talk it out.
But instead, he said, “Mike wants us at his place for dinner at seven.”
The hope in my chest crumbled. If we could talk everything out, be open about what we were feeling, it could work. We could share our concerns, our struggles, our questions.
But Jack wasn’t up to it. He was shutting me out like we weren’t about to become a family for the rest of our lives.
And with that, I slammed the door.