Chapter Twenty-Four
Vivian
The quiet was unbearable.
It had been over an hour since Falcon and ten of his club brothers, fully armed and serious as hell, left on their secret mission.
As soon as the roar of their motorcycles faded the clubhouse had fallen into that heavy silence that settled in when everyone was too busy pretending that nothing was wrong.
As the silence faded into sound—children playing and laughing, the low hum of conversation, the familiar clink of beer bottles—the weight of not knowing pressed against my chest.
I love you. Falcon had said those three words to me. He hadn’t meant to, which made them even more special because I loved him too. I hadn’t told him, of course, I was too shocked to respond but I would tell him as soon as he returned.
If he returned.
I should’ve stopped him. Should have gone with them and placed myself in the middle since it was my fault.
I believed him when he said he couldn’t function, couldn’t focus if he had to worry about me, but I should’ve pushed.
And worse, he’d said it with that sexy half-grin that dampened my panties in under a second and made me forget how to breathe.
But now, standing in the silence without him, I wasn’t all that sure I could function when he was away.
“Don’t do this,” I whispered to myself. “Don’t spiral.” I had to hold it together. If this was going to work, me and Falcon, then I had to keep it together when he was off handling MC business. That’s what I kept telling myself, but I was already halfway to a complete spiral.
Falcon hadn’t told me anything other than Anton wanted to meet, but that couldn’t be good news, especially after I’d killed one of his men. Anton had been chasing me for three years, was it really likely he’d give up on that so easily? It didn’t make sense, but maybe I didn’t have all the answers.
So I needed to get some damn answers.
I made way into the main area of the clubhouse and grabbed a beer from the new redhead behind the bar, before turning to scan the room.
Most of the old ladies, soon-to-be old ladies, and club girls were gathered around the tables, chatting, playing cards, and acting as if everything was completely normal.
I spotted the splash of color and figured I stood a decent chance of getting answers from Raven, so I slowly made my way to her. She sat on the floor, handing soft blocks with letters and numbers on them to TJ, who happily placed them on top of each other. “Raven?”
She said nothing, not even a flicker of recognition and already I was regretting this decision.
“I was just wondering if, you know, have you heard anything about what’s happening with Falcon and… the guys?”
After half an eternity passed she finally met my gaze, her eyes cold and flat. “Even old ladies don’t know what’s going on. Definitely not baby mamas.”
Right. The way she said it—baby mamas—made me flinch.
Her tone was filled with venom, leaving no doubt as to what she thought about me.
There was so much I wanted to say to her, but to what end?
Her mind was made up and there was no changing it, so I pasted on a tight smile, swallowed my words and nodded. “Right. Got it.”
She turned back to my son, dismissing me to let me know I wasn’t worth her time.
I turned and walked away, figuring I might as well try someone else. Peyton had been sort of nice during my stay here. “Hey Peyton, I was wondering if you’ve heard anything?”
Her eyes flashed with something I couldn’t read before she shrugged. “Just that there was some important meet happening. Sorry.”
Nikki was a relative newcomer and a radio personality, maybe she would offer some insight?
She offered a sympathetic shrug and a gentle smile. “No, sorry.”
Laura had just come off a double shift at the hospital and was the only one who genuinely seemed sorry she couldn’t give me any information.
I heard a lot of variations of sorry but not one of the women actually seemed sorry.
They didn’t trust me, and I couldn’t blame them.
They didn’t know me and what they did know wasn’t all that great.
It didn’t matter that I tried to pull my weight, that I’d used my surgical skills to help when I could.
What mattered was that I had brought all this to their doorstep. Their men had been injured because of me. Their kids were in danger because of me. I wasn’t one of them, and as far as they were concerned, I never would be.
It was the story of my life, and I was angry at myself because I should be used to it. I was the woman who didn’t fit it anywhere except the OR. And I didn’t usually let it bother me, except this wasn’t my job, it was my life.
Or, it was almost my life.
I made it back to Falcon’s room as quickly as I could, the walls felt too close. Too tight and suffocating. Sitting on the bed with my elbows on my knees, I stared at the floor and tried to breathe but I couldn’t. This was an impossible situation, and I didn’t see any way we could make it work.
This place was a family. The women leaned on each other, supported one another when the men were away and they didn’t want me around. They didn’t trust me, not even Raven, and they probably never would.
Falcon said he loved me. He’d said the words out loud and he said he meant them. I believed him, but how far would that go when the rest of his family hated me?
Family. It was something I’d never had and always wanted, but if I couldn’t have it at least TJ could. Family was belonging and togetherness, and right now I knew that I would never be family to any of them.
Tears burned and I pressed my fists into my eyes until the urge to cry subsided.
I was so tired of fighting, of trying to prove myself and of simply surviving, and if I stayed that’s what I’d have to keep doing.
Was that right? I mean, these men had taken me and TJ, kept us safe and risked their lives to keep us safe.
They didn’t have to do any of that, yet they did without a second thought.
Maybe the best thing I could do for them was to walk away before I caused any more trouble.
TJ belonged here and with his father, he would have the family he deserved. There would be kids he could play with, built-in cousins and playmates. He’d have so many uncles to love him and teach him about the world. And he’d have Falcon.
But me? What did I have?
Nothing. I didn’t fit. I was a complication, a risk. I brought danger to the club. Right now these women’s partners or relatives were putting themselves in danger because of me. I’d killed one of Petrov’s men. Surely that wouldn’t go unforgiven.
I wasn’t needed.
My throat tightened and before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed the notebook off the small desk and a pen, and with a trembling hand, I wrote it all out for Falcon.
Including goodbye.