40. Grace
Grace
“She must be exhausted,” I whispered as Caleb shifted to balance carrying Noelle’s sleeping frame on the train platform.
The train pulled up to the station. Hordes of people moved around us, but I couldn’t look away from the blue eyes that I missed so much over the past month.
There was a silent conversation happening between us. And even though things were uncertain between us, I knew I was home. It wasn’t a place, but a feeling. Something I’d been chasing my whole life, something I found in a quaint town tucked away from the chaos of the only world I knew.
Simultaneously we spoke the same words: “I’m sorry.”
Now it was my turn to look at him with questions, matching the confused expression on his face.
Noelle started to rouse as the train operator spoke and we knew we needed to board.
There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I was going with them.
After Caleb found us, I ran up to my hotel suite to grab a few essentials before we headed to the station.
They were the family I so desperately wanted.
If I had to, I’d stay at the B&B, assuming Fiona would have me back.
I would show them I wasn’t going to leave them again.
For the first time in weeks, I had hope because I knew I belonged with them.
We weren’t out of the woods at all. His daughter wanted me and insisted I come back to Grand Haven, for the night at the very least. Before she passed out from exhaustion, I promised her, and I’d keep my promises this time.
Caleb called Anne to alert her we were on the train.
I also learned that Caleb got to NYC so fast because he was already on the train when I texted him–his fatherly instincts kicking in.
Noelle slept throughout the whole ride, but Caleb and I didn’t speak about our blurted apologies.
No, we kept it light and rarely said more than a few words in case little ears were listening.
As we finally returned to Grand Haven, I felt myself slipping seamlessly back into the place I loved and wanted to call home.
The welcome wagon was plentiful as we stepped off the train with a now awake Noelle. Something told me she was pretending to sleep during our ride. So many familiar faces were at the train platform waiting for Noelle’s arrival.
My cheeks grew hot, embarrassed at what they must think of me. I left so abruptly, not returning any of my friends’ calls except for Lucy’s.
“Noelle Anne Jameson.” Ms. Kenzie’s voice bellowed in the crowd before us. The lively older woman pushed through the hordes of people and engulfed Noelle into a big bear hug. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, young lady.”
Anne was hot on her trail, practically shoving Ms. Kenzie out of the way for a chance to see her granddaughter.
“Noelle,” Anne cried, her voice hoarse as tears raced down her face.
Noelle was surrounded with people who loved her more than anything in the world.
My heart was full, knowing this little girl was finally realizing what she had.
“Grace.” I heard my name called by Jena, who practically tackled me with a bear hug.
“I never thought I’d see the day when I was better dressed than you.” Jena snorted, eyeing me up and down. She then leaned in and whispered, “They need you.”
Jena pulled back and saw the tears well in my eyes then waved me off, grumbling something about being “too emotional.”
Fiona threw a death glare my way before making her way to Noelle.
In my state of emotions, I chanced a glance back at Caleb and saw him watching the love pouring from people for his daughter.
His stare then landed on me as more locals came up and greeted me, giving me hugs and stating how happy they were that I was back, asking a million intrusive questions that I came to love.
I broke eye contact with Caleb, knowing our talk would have to wait.
I had so much to say in order to make things right.
I had a million opportunities back in the city to clear my name.
Interview after interview was offered to me.
But only now, after nearly losing all communication with this small town, was when I felt the strongest urge to set the record straight.
To own who I was and finally stop hiding.
It was well after midnight by the time we made it back to Caleb’s, and I was dead on my feet. I looked like hell and felt like I’d been through it too.
Noelle fell asleep in Caleb’s bed while waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. I noticed Caleb in the doorway, standing shirtless with his plaid pajama pants low on his hips, and I had to look away.
“I’m going to head out,” I muttered low enough not to wake Noelle. I looked at Noelle lying in the bed and whispered, “Love you.”
Little eyes popped open and Noelle gasped. “No, Grace. Please stay. I love you too.”
I smiled softly, hearing her say those words back to me. I longed to be worthy of them. “Um, Noelle,” I stammered, eyeing Caleb again before gulping. I wasn’t versed in how to handle this scenario. On one hand, I didn’t want to overstep, but on the other, I didn’t want to let go of her, or him.
“Grace, stay,” Caleb relented, a firmness to his tone. He would not meet my eyes as he walked over to his side of the bed and climbed in. Noelle patted the space beside her and wiggled closer to her dad to give me room.
“Good night,” Noelle whispered, and she was out like the light Caleb turned off.
I wished for sleep to take me, but I couldn’t be so lucky. No, instead I was hyperaware of every movement coming from Caleb, and I couldn’t get a good look at him because of the little girl in between us.
My heart raced, wanting to talk to him. Make things right. Come clean. But it seemed like fate was against me. My instinct was to escape, and at this very moment, it was the last thing I could physically do, especially with Noelle’s arm draped across me.
“Do I have to go to school?” Noelle asked, her mouth full from the pancakes Caleb made us for breakfast.
I tried to say I wasn’t staying for breakfast but neither one would have it. Caleb even seemed a little mad when I suggested leaving.
“Yes, you do.” Caleb rounded the kitchen counter with more pancakes in tow. “Just because the going gets tough doesn’t mean you run away.” His gaze lingered on me and I cringed. Noelle noticed the awkward exchange and glanced between us but thankfully didn’t say anything.
“Are you going to drive me?” Noelle asked, sounding younger than her age.
She was understandably scared, given that she’d been through so much in her short life.
Unwanted by her mother, then I came in and we had an unexplainable bond, only for the rug to get pulled out from her by the bullying and Caleb’s and my breakup.
“Of course, we have another meeting with Principal Stanford,” Caleb explained, pressing the button on the coffee machine. “There will also be consequences for you running off and scaring the shit out of me.”
I wanted a coffee but didn’t want to ask Caleb for it, let alone help myself in a house where I wasn’t sure I was welcome by the owner.
But as if he read my mind, Caleb poured me the first cup, sliding the mug to me. Then proceeded to go in the fridge and pull out my favorite creamer. It was brand-new. Caleb drank his coffee black so buying a fresh creamer was an odd choice.
“Grace, you’re not leaving Grand Haven, are you?” Noelle turned to me, panicked, setting her fork down.
I felt Caleb’s eyes on me, but I didn’t dare look in his direction. This little dance we were doing was nerve-wracking enough. I was not sure if I could manage to see any rejection from him.
Her question left me at a loss for words. While I wanted to stick around and try to get Caleb alone to confess the truth to him, part of me was scared. I knew I needed to help Noelle though this challenging time. It was clear that my absence had an effect on her.
I hesitated, my eyes trained on my coffee mug, the steam curling upwards, just like all of my jumbled thoughts.
How could I reassure Noelle if I wasn’t even sure what I was doing myself?
My instinct was to stay for her and fight for her.
For them. Staying would mean finally coming clean, not just to Caleb about my lies, but to myself.
I made mistakes in my past, and I made a mess by lying to Caleb, but I was worthy of a family.
Julia wouldn’t want me to torture myself, like a life sentence.
I was finally free, and only had the power to be because the chains were never physical.
They were laced with fear, and I had to break away once and for all.
“Noelle …” I started, choosing my words carefully.
I was so new to being an adult figure in someone’s life.
I had a lot to learn. But we only learn by trying.
“I’m not going anywhere right now. You’ve been so brave throughout everything, and I want to be there for you, in any way I can, okay?
” I gulped, hoping I didn’t overstep with my promises, but I did have to speak to Fiona and all my other Grand Haven buddies.
When I ran off, I didn’t just leave Caleb and Noelle behind, I left behind a whole lot of people who were rooting for me. I had some mistakes to make right.
Her wide, wild eyes softened with my words. “Okay.” She nodded, though I could tell she wasn’t entirely convinced. Noelle was a smart kid. She knew her dad and I weren’t what we once were. But lord how I wanted to be.
“All right, go get ready, Noelle. Don’t want to be late.” Caleb grabbed our plates and went over to place them in the sink.
Noelle lingered in the doorway for a minute before running up the stairs. Once we were alone, Caleb spoke. “Don’t make promises to her that you can’t keep. She needs to know what to expect. Especially now,” he warned, his voice full of emotion.
I finally mustered up the courage to look at the man who had my heart.
Caleb stood by the sink, his back to me as he rinsed various dishes and loaded the dishwasher.
His broad shoulders flexed with tension.
I could see his jaw clench, and once his hands were free, they gripped the edge of the counter a little too tightly.
The air was thick with so much unspoken between us.
“I’m not trying to hurt her, Caleb,” I said softly, my voice low. I was unsure how to convince him of anything about me anymore. “I would never.”
He turned at that moment and looked at me with such an intensity that my spine shivered both from intimidation and memories of other times he looked at me with that passion.
“I’m not saying you would, but I need you to know where I stand.
Where she needs to stand.” His voice was firm but not unkind.
The irony wasn’t lost on me at the grace he was giving me.
“She’s been through enough, Grace. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
She needs stability, and right now, you’re?—”
“A confusion.” I finished his sentence for him, looking away from his intense gaze. “I know.”
“It’s a mess, Grace.” Caleb shrugged his shoulders. “Then there’s all this shit with the school. I didn’t want to have her move classes, but it seems we’re going to have to. Anyway, the point is Noelle comes first.”
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality of how different the dynamics were began to set in.
“I understand, but I want to fix this. You have to know that.” I looked toward the stairs, making sure Noelle was still getting ready for school.
My fingers traced the marble design on the counter.
I was nervous to say what I wanted to next.
“I made mistakes. I know that. And I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m here, Caleb. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
His eyes softened for a mere moment before the hardness was back. His wall was back up, and that scared me. “It means a lot, Grace. I don’t doubt you care. But it’s more than feelings, Grace. It’s not running off the second shit gets real.”
We heard footsteps then Noelle yelling, “Dad, where’s my backpack?”
Caleb sighed and muttered a curse under his breath before he walked off to help Noelle.