Chapter 21
CHAPTER 21
SOPHIE
“ H ow would you girls like to go to the big park on the Plateau?” I ask my daughters as they’re finishing up their bowls of soup. They’ve been back home since Friday morning, and because I spent most of yesterday catching up on work, they deserve my full attention today.
Both girls perk up. They love that particular park, but I rarely take them all the way there because parking is a hassle. Bringing all three kids on the metro is even more so.
“Can we go for hot chocolate after?” Gwen asks, her pleading tone making my heart melt.
Is hot chocolate the best thing for two girls who just recovered from a bout of sickness? No. Is life too short and not filled with enough chocolate to miss out on such a request? Absolutely.
The rest of our Sunday afternoon begins mapping itself out in my brain. I think about Tania, whom I haven’t seen in ages. I miss her. I’m feeling a bit hesitant to text her since it never seems to work out when I want to hang out while I have the girls.
But we’ll never see each other if I don’t try. This could be another olive branch.
While the girls are finishing up their last spoonfuls of soup, I text Tania.
Sophie
Hey, what are you up to this afternoon?
A few seconds later, her response pops up on the screen.
Tania
Nothing much, what’s up?
Sophie
I’m headed to Parc Beliveau in the Plateau, wanna come?
Tania
I dunno. I’m having one of those days…
Tania
But you’re welcome to come here if you want
I sigh, disappointment sinking into my very bones. But I can’t fault Tania for this. Some days, the grief of losing Miguel still claws at her. I can’t imagine going through what she went through. At least I get to be angry at Matt for what he did.
Anger is so much easier than grief.
For a moment, I consider cancelling my plans and going to Tania’s place with the kids instead. She could certainly use the company. But I can’t do that to the girls when I’ve already made a commitment.
Sophie
I’m sorry, I promised the girls we’d go to the park already, they’re gonna kill me if I change our plans
Tania
Ok have fun! I’m gonna put on Practical Magic and eat too many cookies
Sophie
Ok take care xoxox
I guess it will just be the four of us, then.
Before I can stop the thought, my mind goes to Will, and my breath hitches. There are probably a million things a thirty-four-year-old bachelor would rather do on a Sunday afternoon than frolic around with a single mom and her kids at a park. But I can’t deny that the idea of having him come with us sends flutters through my entire body.
Not for any twisted reason, mind you. It’s just that he seemed to have so much fun playing with the kids last time.
Yeah, that’s it. No other reason I want him to tag along. And after all, isn’t that what friends are for?
And he’s a friend. At least, I want to try us being friends.
Decided, I send him a quick text. Instead of replying back like a normal human being, my phone starts ringing, making my heart skip a beat.
“You don’t know how to text?” I ask as soon as I pick up, trying to get my pulse to slow.
“I’d rather not. I’m old school like that.” His deep voice in the receiver makes my toes curl. No, it doesn’t. “But, yes, I’d love to join you guys.”
For some reason, I don’t want him to think I only want him to come because of … well, him. He might get the wrong idea. “Bring your nephews!” I add. “The more, the merrier, right?” I’m sure I sound very convincing. “The girls had so much fun with them last time.” Wow, can’t I shut up? I think he gets it.
“They’ve got plans with their parents.” He chuckles. “I can’t just kidnap them whenever I want.”
“Of course you can,” I tease. “That’s the best perk of being an uncle.” There’s a pang in my heart as I think of my own nephew—my sister’s son. Both my brother and sister, Orlando and Megane, live far from Montréal. Orlando moved all the way to Vancouver to study and work in film, while Megane, her partner, and their son set roots down in Val-d’Or, all the way in Abitibi. When she chose to settle down with a diamond driller, she knew she’d never be able to live in the city. Not that she minds.
But I sure would love to see them more often. Having my family spread out like this doesn’t help the feeling of isolation that has grown icy tendrils around my heart.
“Yeah,” Will responds with a quiet laugh. The way it came out makes me think something’s up. Like he didn’t find that amusing, and he’s only pretending for my sake.
I decide not to push it. It’s none of my business. “So, you’ll come, then?”
“Absolutely.”
“You’re sure you don’t have anything better to do?”
“Than to hang out with you guys?” He snorts. “Of course not.”
That settles it, then. A blanket of warmth wraps itself around me. Hearing him confirm it makes me giddier than I anticipated. The more I get to know this new side of Will, the more I see him as a pillar in my life, like he was before. Only this time, I’m not icing him out.
I just have to get this ridiculous attraction under control. He’s not the first hot guy I’ve met. Although he is the first one to show care and understanding towards my kids, and who seems to genuinely want to spend time with us …
I hope I’m not making a mistake.
When we arrive at the playground in the park, Will is waiting for us, leaning against a large maple, his chestnut hair slightly mussed in what seems like a deliberate way. He’s dressed in dark jeans, a black T-shirt, and a plaid corduroy jacket that complements his deliciously tan skin. Why he’s still this tan when we’re well into October, I have no idea.
I definitely don’t think it’s fair.
With his head leaning back against the maple’s trunk, his strong neck is exposed, revealing taut muscles I’d love to sink my?—
I cringe inwardly. Woah, girl. Settle down.
Will notices us coming his way and waves, his angular face breaking into a huge smile. The sun makes his nearly black eyes shine, and in this light, I can see the depths of their colour—how they’re not truly black, but simply a deep, complex brown that you could get trapped into.
“Will!” Gwen screams before running straight into his arms. Will openly embraces her with an endearing smile. I had no idea Gwen cared so much about Will. Now, knowing she didn’t get to see him for an entire year wraps a sliver of guilt around my heart.
It’s my fault.
Well, at least things are different now.
Heather runs up with her sister, but she’s shyer and doesn’t go straight for the hug like her. Regardless, Will pulls away from Gwen and shoots Heather a dazzling smile. “Well, you girls look a lot more lively,” he says right before shifting his gaze to me.
“Yeah, we’re not sick at all!” Gwen chimes. I raise a suspicious eyebrow at that statement, and Will chuckles at my reaction.
The next half hour is a blur as we play a variety of games the girls take us through; the floor is lava, pirates, tag, and whatever else their imagination can come up with. I have to take a pause when Julian starts fussing from the stroller, but Will stays a little while with the girls while I put on my cover and feed him.
When Julian is satiated, I sit with him on the cedar chips strewn across the playground. With some support from my legs in a crossed position, Julian can sit up now, so that’s how I place him. His large eyes look around with curiosity and awe until his gaze catches a bright red maple leaf falling from the tree above our heads. Entranced, he follows the leaf with his eyes until it flutters to the ground to my left.
“Here you go, sweetie,” I say, picking up the leaf and offering it to him. Julian’s chubby little hands clutch the leaf, his eyes not leaving it for a single moment.
“I can’t believe he’s sitting up already,” Will says. I look up and notice him walking over to me. Behind him, the girls are now playing solo on the playground. Well, solo’s not quite the right word. Gwen has enlisted two other girls who look to be about her age into their game. Heather happily follows along.
Will sits in front of me with Julian’s back to him. I smile peacefully. “I know,” I say with a sigh. “Pretty soon he’ll be walking, and then running like these two over there.” I point to the girls. “And then before I know it, he’ll be in daycare. It’ll be weird. At the same time, it’ll feel good to get back into my work routine.” I look up at him through my eyelashes. “Although I don’t know if I’ll even need to send him to daycare if this plan of yours works.”
“Let’s not talk shop,” he interrupts. He still has his playful smile. “I think you deserve a break. You’ve had a big enough week as it is.”
Not talking shop? Well, that eliminates one of the biggest talking points we have in common. Even though we have ten years of history, I never made an effort to truly get to know him before.
Now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass.
Before I can come up with something to say, he does it for me. “Have you thought about whether Julian will be your last? Or do you still see yourself growing this family?”
I audibly laugh, raising my chin up to the sky. The sun filters through the maple canopy above me and warms my cheeks, a welcome respite from the chilly breeze. “First of all,” I start, “I’d need a man in the equation to make that happen.”
“Okay …” Will raises an eyebrow in questioning. “And why is that a problem?”
I cross my arms. This should be obvious to him, especially as a man himself. “Well, I’m pretty sure men aren’t fighting amongst themselves for the opportunity to date single moms with three kids. Not when there are plenty of younger, hotter girls in the city.” An image of the young girl from the café springs to mind.
Will’s face goes dark. “That’s not true.”
“How would you know?”
Will opens his mouth to speak but closes it. “You don’t know,” I continue. Then, I gesture to my boobs. “These aren’t what they used to be.” Then I touch my stomach. “And the scars won’t ever go away.” I look at him intently. “I thought Matt would keep loving me despite that. But you saw what he craved. It certainly wasn’t … this.” I gesture to all of me.
Will’s hand shoots out and grabs my wrist. “Stop that.”
My skin burns where he’s holding me, but not because he’s hurting me. No, not that at all. My insides clench. “Stop what?”
“What Matt did has nothing to do with you.” He’s looking straight at me with an intensity I’ve never seen on him. “He’s a pitiful excuse for a man who went out looking for cheap thrills when he had a queen.” I suck in my breath, and he adds, “And first of all, your worth isn’t defined by your looks. But even if it were …” He trails off. He’s still holding my wrist.
In between us, Julian coos. This seems to bring him back to his senses; he lets my wrist go and straightens his back.
“What if it were?” I challenge him and grit my teeth, waiting for his answer.
A new spark lights up his eyes. “Don’t kid yourself, Sophie. You are out-of-this-world beautiful. Any man worth his salt would know it and be lucky to have you.”
I stop breathing for a moment, too stunned to move. This specimen of a man calling me beautiful was the last thing I expected today.
“And let’s say you did find someone again,” he continues. “Do you see yourself wanting to have more kids after Julian?”
I come back down to earth and roll my eyes. “No. He’s it for me. Three is plenty. And, honestly …” I trail off. I haven’t talked about this to anyone apart from Avery and my mom. Even Tania doesn’t know this.
But Tania isn’t making me feel particularly safe to talk about baby stuff around her. On the other hand … I can’t explain why, but right now, I feel safe. The man sitting in front of me is none other than playboy Will, but it doesn’t change the fact that I deeply want to open up to him.
Maybe it’s the way he just complimented me. Or maybe it’s how I feel when I’m in his aura. Calm. At peace. Warm. His face softens. “I can drop it if this is making you uncomfortable,” he offers.
“No, that’s not it,” I explain. I quickly glance at the girls to make sure they’re still safely playing, then tighten my lips and take a deep breath through my nose. “It’s just … the birth was rather difficult.” And I don’t know if I can bring myself to go through it again. I don’t know if my heart could take it.
“Oh?” Will leans in slightly. “Do you want to talk about it?” He places a hand on my calf. “You don’t have to, but I’m offering to listen.”
I do want to. Talking through it does help. But only when it feels safe to do so. And with Will’s earnest eyes enveloping me in their warmth, I know I’m safe with him.
I open my mouth, and it comes pouring out of me faster than I can control it. “They had to induce me because the kid wasn’t ready to come out. He was nice and comfy up in here.” I pat my soft belly. “With Gwen and Heather, I went all natural, but I didn’t need to be induced, so the pain was manageable. But the induction …” I shudder. “It was something else.” I look into Will’s eyes. He’s listening intently.
I continue. “So they gave me morphine shots before I was ready for an epidural. Then I finally got the epidural when it was time. Things moved quickly after that.” I swallow the lump in my throat. There’s still guilt clawing at my heart. No matter how many times doctors told me the morphine had nothing to do with what happened, part of me doesn’t believe it to be true. “I started pushing. It went well. You know, despite the pain and all.” I laugh softly. Will doesn’t laugh, and I appreciate him for it. “Then he was out, and suddenly they were handing me my baby boy, and for a fraction of a moment, everything was perfect. Just like with the girls.”
I pause there. Even though this entire ordeal lasted only a few minutes, it’s been stretched into hours in my mind. I look down at Julian, who returns my look with a gummy smile, and I grasp his little hand in mine.
“But then the nurse took him back from me. They were saying things, but I couldn’t process what it was. She was handling him, and I just wanted my baby back. But then she took him over to a table to the right of the room, and another nurse pressed a button next to my bed. And that’s when they came rushing in.” My limbs prickle with the memory of the dread I’d felt in that moment. “I couldn’t breathe as I watched them try to pump oxygen into him. I was frozen in place. Worse, I couldn’t stand. My legs were still paralyzed from the epidural. From what they told me afterward, he had an Apgar score of two …” At his blank stare, I explain, “The Apgar score is how doctors and nurses check a newborn’s health. Seven or higher is good.” Will’s face pales. “It took four minutes before Julian took his first breath.”
Will places a hand on my knee, his eyes sad. “That must have been terrifying,” he whispers to me. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” He sounds so sincere. I was right to trust him.
“When he took his first breath, they left the room with him. I had no idea what was going on or what they were going to do with him. What’s worse, I needed stitches, so there I was, completely alone, stuck on my back, scared to death for my baby.”
Will squeezes my knee.
“At least Matt pulled his weight,” I continue. “I didn’t let him in the delivery room, obviously.” I laugh humourlessly. He lost that privilege when he cheated. “But when they brought Julian into the NICU, he went in with them. They … I’m not sure exactly what they did, but the way Matt described it, they flushed some sort of gel into his respiratory system, to get the mucus out. Or something like that.” Remembering that day makes my nerves tingle with numbness. My heart starts to race. “But after they were done, Matt was there to hold Julian skin-to-skin. So our baby boy wasn’t alone.” Tears well up in my eyes.
“I’m in awe of you,” Will suddenly says. I look up to face him, and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm in his dark eyes.
I blink back the tears, confused. “What?”
“What you went through … it’s a lot. Giving birth alone is a feat I still can’t quite wrap my head around. I don’t think I ever will.” He squeezes his lips together. A leaf falls on his shoulder, but he’s too concentrated on me to shrug it away. “You’re … unbelievable. You’re a force of nature, Sophie.”
Heat rushes to my cheeks. God, I can’t look away from him. My heart is still racing, but I can’t tell if it’s from retelling the story or from something else. The air is thick with static.
This man leaves me speechless.
“Mom!” Gwen nearly crashes into Will as she runs towards us, bursting the safe little bubble we’d created. Heather is right at her heels. “Can we go for hot chocolate now?”
I blink a few times to pull myself from the daze of the moment. Then I look at Will and quirk an eyebrow. “Care to join us for hot chocolate?”
Will shoots me back a mischievous grin. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”