Chapter 28
Levi
By dinnertime, both of us were boneless with exhaustion. Thankfully, we could microwave some leftovers because the idea of cooking was too much for either of us.
Not that I was complaining. It had been the best day of my life. And that wasn’t an exaggeration.
After we refueled, we decided to read in silence by the fire, nowhere to be, and enjoying the light falling snow outside.
Peace settled over me for the first time in a long time.
“What was that big sigh for?” Claire asked, looking up from her book and wiggling her feet that were tucked into my lap.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “It was good, though. Contented.”
She smiled full dimples. “Good.” She closed her book and looked out the large windows facing the trees. “Man, it’s really coming down.”
“Guess you’re stuck here for a few more days.”
“Darn.”
We drifted into silence again, neither of us talking, but neither of us went back to reading either. I watched the snowfall for several minutes.
A fresh start …
“Yeah,” I said, only realizing too late that it was out loud.
Claire tilted her head in confusion.
“I was, uh, talking to my mom.” I quickly added, “I still hear her sometimes. It makes me feel crazy. But it’s clear as day. Maybe it’s my own inner intuition that was sculpted by her words and actions growing up, but Mom’s still there.”
As she listened, her features softened into understanding. “It’s nice that you have that,” she said.
“You don’t think it’s crazy?” I asked tentatively, feeling heat burning down the back of my neck.
“You’re asking the woman who has full-blown conversations with her reflection, so I might not be the best litmus test, but no. I think it’s nice you still hear her. It’s like a gift. And what do we know? Maybe it is some form of her energy, spirit, whatever.”
I smiled, wondering if it was true, hoping that it was.
“Do you ever hear your mother?” I asked.
“No. Mostly just my dad rambling about in my head. But if she is still watching me, I’d like to think she’s proud of me.” After a beat, she added, face falling. “Or she was.”
I squeezed her toes. “She hasn’t stopped being proud because you were obstructed in justice by centuries-old systematic corruption.”
“Thanks. But I’m talked out about the whole thing. Tell me more about what you’re thinking.”
I rubbed Claire’s arches as she leaned back to stretch her legs out and give me her full attention. “I miss Mom. A lot. We were so close my whole life. Even over a year later, I reach for the phone to call her or think of how I’ll have to tell her something only to remember.” I swallowed. “Sometimes, I don’t even feel like she’s gone. It’s like by avoiding the house, I’m stuck in this limbo. I’m just avoiding all the—” My throat tightened to the point where I couldn’t swallow. “Like I’m just delaying the inevitable.”
“There’s no timeline for grief. You’ll know when you’re ready to tackle the room and the rest of it.” She crawled forward to kiss me on the cheek. “Plus. Once I’m out next week, you’ll have your space back. Which, let’s be honest, is what you’ve wanted the whole time.”
Her words were light, so I tried to match her levity as I asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, I may not be a genius when it comes to reading people, but you weren’t exactly thrilled to share your home. And now you won’t have to. Maybe this was your sign that you aren’t ready yet.” She smiled. “And that’s okay. It’s not like you need the money.”
It felt like a sucker punch to the center of this nice moment we’d been having.
“Claire, you don’t have to go. ”
“Yes, I do. The contract I signed is up,” she said simply. It was unfathomable to me that she could be so casual after what we had shared.
“What I’m saying is … you should stay.” I watched as her gaze turned inward while my words soaked in. “Just for a little while. Maybe through New Year’s until you have a plan,” I added too quickly, but she must have seen the truth behind them.
“I don’t have any income. I have some saved, but I need to look for more work and …”
“Then stay here .” I emphasized to the room around us. “I’ll rent the cabin to someone else for extra income if you’re worried about that.”
Her gaze dropped to her fingers now, twisting in her lap. “Levi. I—Thank you. That’s a kind gesture, but I already told my dad. And I have the moving truck planned. I just, I have a plan.”
“You won’t even think about it?”
She breathed in and out. “I-I think maybe it’s too fast. Maybe I can make a list of the pros and cons.”
“Pros and cons.” My words were flat, but my heart lurched, twisting in pain.
What was there to think about? We were infatuated with each other. Wasn’t she here the last few weeks while we fell for each other? I shared everything with her, and she wouldn’t even consider my offer?
I ground my jaw. “What’s all this been?” I asked.
She sat back on her heels, surprise pinching her brows. “This?”
“Claire, you’re honestly going to sit there and pretend you don’t have feelings for me? Are you afraid to admit it? Because I will. I’m falling for you. I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay here. Indefinitely.”
She stood off the couch in a blur. The sudden action caused Ripley to pop her head up and whine. “Of course, I have—of course, I’ve been having a good time. But sex complicates things. It inflates feelings that aren’t … well, it complicates things. I want to have all the facts before I decide anything. Just a few months ago, I was planning a whole different life.”
“Oh right. Heaven forbid you admit to feelings.” It was a low blow, and I was defensive. I regretted it the moment I said it.
“Maybe I just don’t fall for someone I’ve only known for seven weeks. Maybe it’s not so easy for me to pick up my entire life and move here. That’s not fair to make me feel like shit about this.”
“I’m offering a solution, but you’re being too proud to accept my help.”
“It’s not about pride,” she said slowly, her features going flat, thoughts inward.
I was being an asshat, as Pace would say. But I shared everything with her, every vulnerable nook and cranny of my soul, and she was ready to just pack up and leave.
“What’s all this been, Claire? You’re just going to leave like nothing? Like we haven’t been sleeping together and sharing our lives.”
“I-I don’t know.” She paced, hands to her temples. “I need a minute to breathe. I need to think.”
“Was all of this just a vacation for you?” I couldn’t understand it. I showed her everything, admitted everything, and she was ready to walk away like it was a hookup.
“No. I don’t know. It’s been this weird little pocket out of time.” She pressed her hands to her temple, eyes squeezed tight. “My life is in total upheaval.” Her shoulders shrugged to her ears and dropped. She spoke animatedly. “I have always known what to do next. I have followed exactly the right path, and all for nothing.”
“Nothing?” I stood now too. “That makes me feel great.”
“Not you, Levi. You’ve been amazing. Truly. This has been so great. I won the lottery, finding this place and finding you. But it’s not my life. It’s yours that I’ve been borrowing.” Her arms wrapped tight around her middle.
“That’s not how it feels for me. I’ve known for some time how I feel about you.” I stood and crossed my arms, putting the couch between us, hating how bad this fucking hurt. “I’m never gonna force you to stay or to choose me. But I didn’t think it would be a choice.”
Something about my words made her pale. “I didn’t know I had to choose,” she spoke with a whispered gasp, hands curling around her stomach. “I can’t have this conversation. I can’t believe I’m back here. You had the rules and the boundaries, and I told you you needed to be clear about that. It’s not easy for me to just jump into a major life change after a few weeks.”
“It is for me. You’re easy to love,” I said, not saying the implied. What was left unsaid? Apparently, I wasn’t.
“Love? Levi. You’re throwing around the love word now?” Her arms wrapped tight around her middle, and she looked sick .
“I don’t understand how you’re not. I don’t talk about my mother with anyone. I don’t share that history of my family with anybody.”
Her shoulders fell, and her color drained. “I know. I appreciate that you did, but we are two very different people. I can’t just be in love. That’s—” She sucked in her lips, stopping whatever she’d been about to say.
My chest felt like it was caving in on itself. My head was shaking. “It’s just so obvious to me, and it’s heartbreaking that you hadn’t even considered it.”
But it answered everything I needed to know. It was what had made me hesitate this long to share my feelings.
“This isn’t fair. I wasn’t playing with a full deck. I didn’t have all the information. For you to just say all this and make me feel like I’m the one to blame,” she said, head tilted.
“You are, though!” I snapped at her, embarrassment making me rage. “It’s all your fault I fell in love with you. Do you think I wanted this? You think I even wanted to rent out the cabin? No. I only did it so Pace and the rest of this town would stop harping on me. This is your fault.”
“My fault ?”
“Yes. You completely disarmed me. You wormed your way into my head. I never wanted this. You know it. You just said it. So this was all some game. Make your way in and just leave.”
“Oh, because this was all part of my big master plan. Get dumped. Lose home. Lose job. Checklist of every woman hitting thirty. ”
“Well, stop being so damn charming and beautiful and sexy and smart.” Her head shook with a sarcastic laugh as I went on. “Stop listening to me when I speak and being so interested in what I have to say. Stop stealing the thoughts from my head and giving them the voice they need. Stop being so authentic and tenacious and vibrant.”
“That was the weirdest compliment I ever got.” She huffed a laugh. “I-I think I just need a little space. I’m going back to my cabin. With all the sex and everything, I don’t think either of us are thinking clearly. Let’s just cool off, okay? I won’t make any decisions. But I need to process this. I didn’t know you felt so strongly about me. About a future after this.”
“Would that matter? If I said it the moment I started to feel them? Or would you tell me you had a plan that couldn’t change?”
“That’s not fair.” She backed up to the door.
“It’s like you think you can avoid any sort of feelings if you have enough information. You can’t think your way out of pain. Having information doesn’t stop the hurting. Trust me, I know firsthand.” My words sat heavy in the air between us.
She sighed. “It must be so nice for you to have the answers to everything all the time.” She shook her head. “I’m not trying to outsmart feelings, Levi. I’m just not ready to put myself into a position where a man can take everything from me the moment he decides to change the plan without telling me.”
She walked out the door with that final blow, and I felt like an absolute prick.