Chapter 29
Levi
I swung the axe so hard it split the wood and lodged itself in the stump. I had to rock it several times it was stuck so far into the now split base.
“You seem lovelier than normal. Even for you,” Pace said by way of greeting.
I grunted.
“You see that it is snowing, right?” he asked.
I grunted.
“Ah, just like old times. So. How’s Claire?”
“I’m in love with her.”
“Oh. Wow. I wasn’t expecting that.” Pace frowned and came to an abrupt stop. “Now that I think about it, I’m not that surprised. You always were a romantic. But why are you mad about it?”
I stood and shivered as the sweat on my neck instantly cooled in the cold air. “I’m mad because I told her and said she could stay here, and she acted like I was insane.”
Pace blew in his hands, rubbing them together. “You’re gonna need to walk me through it. But first, let’s get inside before I freeze my balls off. I do plan to have kids one day.”
“God help us,” I grumbled, setting down the axe and leading him to the house.
I brought us to the couch but then turned sharply on my heels, remembering that our most recent conversation tainted it. In the kitchen, I remembered the time I bent her over the butcher block and couldn’t stay there. We walked in a circle, Pace and now Ripley following silently behind until finally, I settled in the one safe spot, free from thoughts of Claire, at the base of the stairs. Pace and Ripley exchanged a look before she gave up on my antics and went to her bed.
I gave Pace a quick rundown of the previous day’s events.
“And then I told her I loved her, and I wanted her to stay, and she ran out.” I curled my tongue in my mouth that felt acidic.
Pace listened patiently, nodded, and then grimaced, looking queasy as I came to the end of my diatribe. It was understandable. He had the ultimate heartbreak, and since then, had never been a fan of love or relationships.
“I know, I know. It’s not for you,” I said.
“It’s just really fast. She just got here what, last month?”
“Seven and a half weeks. People have fallen in love in a moment. Not that fast.” Not fast enough. The lead-up until I finally got to kiss her felt like much longer, like years. Lifetimes before we finally made love.
Pace looked a little green around the gills. “What did she say, exactly?”
“She told me she wasn’t aware of how I felt for her or that I wanted her to stay. Or something. I offered her everything. A home until she landed on her feet. And no charge.”
“And you offered her that after you slept together?” Pace raised an eyebrow.
“You make it seem shady when you put those facts together in that order. It wasn’t like that.”
“Yeah, but you have to understand that may not have felt like the amazing offer of a lifetime you thought,” he said, crossing his arms.
“Why?”
Pace ran a hand down his face. “Shit. I don’t know what women want. Each one is different. Maybe some women would want that, I’m sure. But does that sound like Claire? Is she easy with big changes and going with the flow? Does she always know what she wants right away, or does she take more time to think things through? I guess what I’m asking is, does she make choices from her heart or her head?”
Had she been serious about the pros and cons list? She did mention the rules a lot. It was my turn to feel queasy. “I guess it could feel a little fast for her. It’s so obvious to me, though. She has to be feeling the same. How could she not?”
“Is it possible she is but is also confused? Both things can be true. I do think she was very into you. But you have to think from her point of view. What if you just decide that you’re done one day? Then she’s back where she started, dumped and homeless.”
I slumped back against the wall, the corner cutting into my spine. “Shit.”
“So maybe she just freaked out. And does need time. Which you should give her. A little time to sort yourselves out wouldn’t hurt.”
“Fuck.” I scrubbed at my eyes.
“It sounds like you guys have really made a connection, so just, you know, have a little faith.” He said it like it tasted bad.
“Okay. Yeah.”
“Yeah.” Pace kept nodding and debating with himself. He was really bothered by something now that I looked at him. He tugged his cap off, his reddish-blond curls sticking in all directions. “So then. The only other thing I wanted to ask then, I guess, you know that she’s been going around town? Interviewing people about Lily?”
A sinking sensation started in my gut. “What do you mean?”
Pace took a deep breath in and out and slumped back. “Judging by how all the color just drained out of your face, you didn’t know. Shit, man. That’s what I was afraid of. Especially with all the, uh”—he gestured at me—“waxing poetic and whatnot.”
“Tell me exactly what you heard.”
“A few of the matrons of the town were talking. Overheard them. They said she was interviewing them about Lily and … about her life and relationship with your father. When I got closer to listen, they gave me the stink eye and told me to mind my own business.”
My eyes closed as I processed the information. “She told me when she found out about Richard. When I explained everything to her, she said she would stop. She hasn’t mentioned it since.” I opened my eyes to meet his.
He nodded.
“When was this?” I asked.
Please let it be before. Before we talked. Before I fell this hard. Maybe it was all bad timing and a misunderstanding.
“Two days ago,” he said.
My head fell forward. When was she even doing it? When did she find time between all the sex and talking and exploring each other’s bodies?
“I’m sorry, man. I came here to find out what was going on. I know I had been pushing you this whole time. To rent the cabin. Then, pushing to have a night out. I just wanted you to unwind. Maybe fool around a little.” He rubbed his brow until the skin turned red. “I’m sorry, man. I mean. We still don’t know anything for sure. I say, talk to her. Maybe she doesn’t get how private you are? Or how fucked up the whole situation is.”
My jaw clenched, and I nodded. “I told her. I told her everything.” I felt humiliated. Strewn out. Was it a coincidence that this charming, completely beautiful woman rented my cabin? Did she somehow know the truth the whole time, and I played right into everything?
“Just talk to her. Nobody would be that vindictive. ”
“Maybe this was why she’s so eager to leave. Why she rebuffed this whole offer? Maybe she’ll offer this article about my mom to try to get her job back?” A dozen thoughts, each worse than the last.
“You don’t really think that. Trust what you know about her. Talk to her.”
I didn’t really think that, but I also thought we were on the same page regarding our feelings for each other. What did I know?
Claire
“Have you heard about pickleball, Claire Bear? It’s all the rage.” My dad, sweaty and red, waved to me from what looked to be an indoor tennis court.
Several of his friends ran around yelling in the background. I was happy to see them doing something other than eating sausages and drinking beer.
“I have. I’m glad you’re trying it,” I said.
“Yes.” He panted for several breaths. “I think. Maybe. I need to get the ole stamina back up.”
“You will get there. Take it easy on yourself.”
“Man, my thirty-year-old self would be pissed to see how much I’ve slacked off.” He moved to a hallway, much quieter. “How are you?” His face moved closer to the screen, and he squinted. “Why have you been crying?”
I blinked back in surprise. I really tried to make sure all evidence was gone before I called him. “How can you tell?”
“How can you tell when you’ve got to burp? You just have the look.”
“Thanks?” I blinked to clear my mind.
“How are you holding up? Any more news?”
I called the next day after the best and worst day. How Levi and I could have such a wonderful night after the worst day of my life still plagued me.
“I’m at a crossroads, Dad. I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want to do?” he asked as if that was just the easiest thing in the world. Who really knew what they wanted? How did one become a person who just knew things without looking at them from a thousand different angles? Seemed like a sort of magic I just did not possess.
I was back at my cabin. I had packed up the car that had remained unused for weeks and very little of my own stuff remained. I held Ripley on my lap in the kitchen.
“You know how I’ve been working on that project? I finished it,” I said. I’d spent weeks collecting information about Lily and her life to write something for Levi. It had filled the time between the stories for the online journal. “I wanted to give him something as a thank you. But I think it might be deeper than that.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“It felt necessary for Levi to see his mom and this life from a different point of view. And in writing her story and the stories about other people in town, I really liked the personal touch. I can’t explain it.”
“That might be worth exploring.”
I groaned and felt my brain pulling in so many directions. Fighting with Levi was awful. I hated being so close to him and feeling his hurt and frustration. But I also couldn’t put myself in a position to lose everything again. I missed important details and suffered the consequences when the world shook around me.
“I have no idea how to figure out what I want,” I said.
“What would you do if you could do anything?” he asked.
“I want to go back in time and—” I cut myself off. I was going to say, “Never ask Kevin to quit,” but then I could go back further than that. Never come out here? Never write that article? Never meet Kevin? Just how far back would I go until the person I was today was erased completely? I wouldn’t want to forget Levi. I wouldn’t want to lose these past few weeks.
“And not hurt Levi,” I finished.
“How can you guarantee that you’ll not hurt him? What happened?”
I explained, not in so much detail, the offer Levi proposed and his love confession.
“And. You don’t believe him?” my dad asked.
“It’s not that I don’t believe him. I think he thinks he’s in love. But Levi is like that. He’s emotional and artistic and … just very feely .”
“And we know how that upsets you?”
“I know you’re joking, but I’m super sensitive about that right now. It’s not that I don’t have feelings. I just can’t always express them well. I’m not some unfeeling robot.” My voice cracked.
“Oh. I’m sorry, Claire Bear. I know that. I thought that was our joke.” My dad looked pained, and the guilt ate me up.
“I know. I’m sorry. I-I just feel awful. He looked so pitiful. Not unlike you’re looking right now.”
“Well. People are going to get their feelings hurt. And not that you hurt mine, but I would like to point out that you said something to me about my teasing that I don’t think you would have said before,” he said.
I thought about that. It was true. I never would have been able to tell my dad that I was feeling touchy about a subject, let alone even identify that that was happening in the moment. “I guess he rubbed off on me a little.”
“It’s good that he’s emotionally intelligent. It’s a skill set that, I’m ashamed to say, I haven’t always had.” My dad scratched at his head. “But I don’t think that it’s insane to think he’d be in love with you. You’re very lovable.”
I scoffed because dads . Their opinions couldn’t be trusted.
“I’m serious. You have this thing where you think that your passion makes you unlikeable. But I think it’s a great part of who you are. My biggest issue with Kevin was that he said he supported that side of you but it never seemed like he really did. It mostly seemed he knew how to pay lip service to it. When push came to shove, he never challenged you or encouraged you to flourish. I think that Levi senses your strengths.”
I focused on petting Ripley and thought of the times that Levi said exactly that. He had really made me feel special.
“He did. He liked that about me. He said that I had an entire universe in my brain and that it fascinated him. Or something. It was really sweet.” My bottom lip trembled. “It’s just that when things burn too hot, they burn out fast.”
My dad sat thoughtfully for a moment. “Do they burn out? Or do they change their chemical makeup to something else? Fires demolish, but they also provide life, warmth, comfort, and protection.”
I nodded. “It would be pretty insane to love somebody after knowing them for a few weeks, right?” I asked, chewing my lip.
“I think I’m the wrong person to ask. I loved your mother within minutes.”
A cough-sob choked out of me. I tried to tease around a tearful voice. “Ugh, men. So simple.” But this was all me projecting because, really … really, there was something more scary than Levi loving me in just a few weeks. That was, I was pretty sure, I loved him right back. And that … that couldn’t and didn’t make any sense. “It took me forever to feel like I could let my guard down with Kevin.” And I was still completely blindsided.
“I just don’t think there is a timeframe to these things. I think when some people know, they just know.” Dad rubbed his forefinger over his lips. “There’s a bravery to that sort of blind feeling. It’s easier to rationalize and compartmentalize rather than feel.”
“Oof. That sounds familiar.”
“The feeling is where the bravery comes in. Recognizing it and acting.”
Then Levi was so brave. He wore all his feelings; he seemed to live and marinate in them. Whereas, I caught a whiff of a feeling cooking and I ran out of the house into a different neighborhood.
“Levi is so brave.”
“What’s the worst that could happen if you admit that you want something?” he asked.
“I could let down my guard and at that moment, the worst could happen? He could decide I’m not actually enough. I could blink, and the whole world could shift because I missed the signs.” My voice cracked. “Like what Kevin did to me. And I didn’t even feel a fraction of what I did for him as I do for Levi.”
His brows shot up at my confession. “Interesting. But you were okay, right? You are okay?”
I nodded. “But what if Levi is just using me to avoid the pain of the loss of his mother? What if he’s latching on to me instead of processing his grief?” I blurted the biggest fear and wished instantly I could swallow it back down.
“You know what? You’d still be okay. Life would still go on. You would surely have to sit in some awful, yucky feelings for a while, but eventually, you would be okay,” he said.
“God, that sounds terrible.”
“But you aren’t alone. And you are loved, and you will be okay. No matter what. Repeat it to yourself.”
“I’ll be okay.” Inexplicably, I felt the tension release from my shoulders.
“I know your mother’s death blindsided us both,” he said, holding my gaze, “but knowing it was coming wouldn’t have made it hurt any less. You couldn’t have changed it. It wasn’t your fault that it happened because you weren’t paying attention. You were starting college; you were doing exactly what you needed to be doing. Her passing didn’t happen because you got caught up living,” he said.
“Okay,” I gasped out a sob. I understood that to be true, rationally, but hearing it out loud, I realized that’s exactly what I had been doing. I thought I wouldn't get hurt if I knew everything all the time. Turned out, that was impossible.
After I collected myself and smoothed my breaths, I met my dad’s gaze, waving a hand at my drying face.
“We’re both okay now? Aren’t we?” he asked.
I nodded, chin quivering.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too.” It spurted out wet and gaspy. I sucked in my lips to keep from crying any harder.
Once you started to register how you felt in the moment, everything sort of spilled out all over, like a punctured can of biscuits. I wanted to ignore this last thought and pretend it wasn’t always there at the back of my mind, but the soft, doughy truth spilled over.
“And-and what if I’ve been using work to avoid feeling anything ever? What if I don’t have a job now, and I’ll just have to sit and think and process things.” I held his gaze, and we both knew what I was referring to. That Levi wasn’t the only one still processing the loss of his mom .
“Can’t imagine where you get that from.” His throat tightened on the words. “Let someone with that sort of emotional intelligence guide you through, then? Let someone else have more knowledge in an area and be okay with that,” he suggested.
“God, I don’t like any of this.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, welcome to the club. Club human. It is a wild freaking ride.”
I made a loud, pained sound. “I guess I’ll just go talk to Levi and tell him how I’m feeling, then.”
“Good luck, kiddo.”
After I hung up the call, I went to the living room. Levi stood there, shoulders hunched, faced away from me. Shaking and still filled with adrenaline from crying, I took a deep breath to go tell Levi that, despite all the facts, we were two fools in love.
“Hey. I was just going to come to apologize and tell you, I’ve been thinking?—”
He turned around; his face was ashen, and there was a tension in his brows I’d never seen before. “What is this?” he asked.
I looked at where he held my story in his hands and realized I was too late.