Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
NICO
The therapist’s waiting room was nice. The chairs were comfortable and the artwork was soothing to look at. I was a mess. My hands were sweating and my leg was bouncing. I knew Gabe trusted Teresa, but my head kept going back to the asshole therapist in the prison. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I wasn’t ready.
The urge to bolt was strong. Before I could give in to it, a petite woman with long steel-gray hair walked into the waiting room and smiled at me. “Nico?”
I shot up out of my chair. “Yes, ma’am.”
She grinned, her pale-blue eyes alight with amusement. “Just Teresa is fine.” She gestured for me to follow her. “Come on in.” As I walked behind her down a short hallway, I noticed she was wearing faded blue jeans and an oversized pink sweater. She was not at all what I expected a therapist to look like.
Teresa’s office was cozy. The furniture looked plush and comfortable. The walls were painted a soothing blue. There was a large print of the Tree of Life on one wall and a painting of the beach and ocean on another. She indicated the large heather-gray sofa. “Have a seat.” After she closed the door, she sat across from me in a matching chair and immediately tucked her feet underneath her. It was cute. I just wished I could relax more.
Teresa met my gaze and said, “You look like you’re ready to jump out of your skin. Do you feel comfortable telling me what that’s about?”
Well, shit . I blew out a breath. “I…uh…had a bad experience with the last therapist I talked to.”
She nodded. “You said when you scheduled your appointment that you’d recently gotten out of prison. Is that where you had the bad experience?”
“Yeah.” I blew out a shaky breath. I reminded myself that this was why I was here. I swallowed the bile that tried to rise up. “I was raped in the shower my first week in prison.” I noticed my hands were shaking, so I crossed my arms over my chest. I chanced a glance at Teresa and her expression was somber, her eyes soft with compassion. “The prison therapist said I should have known better than to go into the shower alone.”
Teresa blinked. Her jaw dropped. “That was an awful thing to say. I’m so sorry that happened to you. But it was not your fault.”
My throat was constricted, so my voice was hoarse when I replied, “Thank you. At least part of me knows that. But the other part keeps telling me I’m less of a man because I let that happen to me.”
She sighed and nodded. “A lot of male survivors feel the same way. Much of it is tied up in our society’s ridiculous definition of masculinity.”
I shrugged. “I guess. I never thought of it that way. I was just trying to survive.”
“Understandable.” She picked up a notebook and pen from a small table beside her chair. “You said on the phone that you were interested in EMDR. Where did you hear about it?”
“From Gabe. Gabe Warner,” I replied. “He’s the one who referred me to you.”
She smiled broadly. “Ah, yes. That’s right. You mentioned that on our call. Did Gabe tell you how EMDR works?”
“Sort of. He sent me a link to the EMDR website. I went down the rabbit hole after that.” I huffed a short laugh. “It’s a lot.”
“That it is,” she agreed. “We have some work to do before we can start EMDR treatment. Are you okay with that?”
I nodded. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I have a four-year-old son who’s counting on me.” I paused before adding, “And a man who makes me feel like I can be whole again.”
After my appointment, I decided to take a rideshare to the cemetery. I’d gone at Christmas time with Cody and Zach. I felt like I needed to go alone this time. It was cold, but the sun was out and there wasn’t much wind. I smiled when Allie’s gravestone came into view. A Batman action figure was sitting on top of it like he was waiting for the bus.
I knelt in front of her headstone and ran my fingers over her name. “Hey, Allie. I thought I should tell you about a great guy I met. I think you’d like him. His name is Gabe, and he used to be a Navy SEAL. He’s smart and kind of goofy sometimes. He’s also one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. He’s so good with Cody.” My eyes filled with tears. “I really like him, Allie—a lot. And he likes me. I think we can have something good together. Something special. And Cody will always be safe with us. I promise. I hope wherever you are, you know that I will take care of and protect our son.” I stayed for a little while longer to collect myself before ordering another rideshare back home. Home, where Gabe was waiting for me.