Chapter 17
Tai
“You’re home early!” Theo’s chipper voice reaches me right before he throws his arms around my neck and tugs me into a tight squeeze. My throat constricts as I force a smile and hug him back.
I’ve been wearing this mask for years.
I can do this.
“Eh, vacation isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be,” I tease. “All that sunshine and good food gets dull after a while, you know?”
“Oh yeah, sounds awful,” he deadpans as he releases me. “You’re so tan! I need all the details, but I have a very important question first. Did you get railed in a janitor’s closet? Because I have a bet that I’d really like to win.”
My smile is tinged with sadness. Memories of Connor haunt my mind—locked in that bathroom where we couldn’t get enough of each other, with his hands on my body, drunk on the kind of connection I’d never felt with anyone else.
The corners of my lips tug down. “No, Theo, I didn’t get railed in a janitor’s closet.”
“Did you—”
“Give the man room to breathe,” Eric interjects, grabbing Theo by the shirt and pulling him off me. He stares at me for a long second, tilting his head by the slightest bit. I attempt to smile, knowing it looks forced. Concern fills his eyes, and he opens his mouth.
Unable to handle his scrutiny, I turn and walk toward my equipment.
Even though I use a keyboard during shows for portability, I prefer the weight of a piano under my hands. There’s not enough room in my house for what I wanted, so I splurged and bought one that I keep at the studio.
My fingers drift over the keys, remembering the last time I played.
The first night he kissed me.
“Did you have a good trip?” Eric asks from behind me. I nod without turning, but he’s never been easily swayed. He grabs my wrist and tugs gently, forcing me to look at him. “Brother,” he whispers, “what happened to you?”
“Nothing.” My chin trembles as I stare past him at the wall.
“This doesn’t seem like nothing.”
“It’s…” My eyes turn toward the ceiling, trying to contain the tears that are already burning hot. “It’s not important, Eric. Just drop it, okay?”
He doesn’t yield, unconvinced by my lie. After a moment, he reluctantly nods and releases my wrist. “If you ever need to get shit off your chest, man, I’m here. Any time. No questions asked.”
“Yeah, I know.” I force a smile that feels more like a crack in the granite of my face.
Coming in today was a mistake. I should’ve realized they would question why I was back early. Once I accepted that Connor had left, the extra four days felt like a cruel joke. A taunt that reminded me I wasn’t enough to make him stay, and that I wasn’t enough to fight for.
I wasn’t enough.
Everything in that room became a reminder of him, and if I stayed any longer, it would turn into a tomb for the memories that would close me inside its walls.
The view of those chairs on the beach where we talked.
The balcony where we stared out at the ocean.
The bed where we wrapped ourselves around each other, where he had made me feel more alive than I’d ever felt.
Without him there, it was all off-kilter and wrong, and I couldn’t stay. Instead, I chucked my stuff into my bag and fled. I left a piece of my heart inside that room, barely beating.
The lady at the front desk probably thought I was certifiable with the way I flung my keycard on the counter and told her I was leaving. My mind had been so frenzied that I hardly heard her apologies for not being able to offer a refund.
I didn’t care.
I just needed out.
My hands shook as I fumbled with the keys. I tossed my bag in the trunk without caring how it landed. I didn’t leave right away, though. I sat there for a long time, watching every single vehicle pass, thinking that maybe—just maybe—I might spot him and go after him.
After an hour, I started driving up the Carolina coastline until the stars came out and the moon hung bright overhead. When I couldn’t take the cramped space of my car for a second longer, I stopped. I stumbled onto a deserted stretch of beach in the middle of nowhere and just fucking screamed.
I screamed until my lungs burned and my throat scorched. Until it turned into sobs, then I cried until there was nothing left inside me but emptiness and regret. Then, exhausted and reduced to ashes, I forced myself back into my car and drove home.
The past two days have been a battle to put the pieces of myself back together, but they no longer line up. They’ve been warped and misaligned by my time with Connor. Everything has changed. Something in my makeup has been altered in a way that leaves gaps between my puzzle pieces.
I told myself it was temporary. We were there in that perfect setting without the outside world’s influence, and it made our connection seem more significant than it actually was. I just need time to snap out of it and move on.
Time to forget him.
It seemed like a good idea to jump back into routine, which meant showing up to practice. I realize now that was a mistake. Eric sees right through me, straight to the ripped-up pieces of my heart.
“Dude—”
I whirl to face him. “I said I’m fucking fine!”
His mouth hangs open while the others’ eyes bore into me. Eric nods, holding his hands up with his palms facing me. “Alright, alright. You’re fine. I shouldn’t have pushed you, okay?”
Guilt churns in my gut as I drag a hand through my hair. “Fuck, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”
Eric’s shoulders rise and fall in a shrug as he shifts between his feet, his assessing eyes still fixed on me. “I mean, I’m certain I’ve done something to deserve it over the years. You were always too nice to hold me accountable.”
I huff, staring at the wall. “I can think of a few times when I had to knock some sense into that thick head.”
“Yeah, fair enough.”
My eyes dart back and forth between the others, taking in the confusion on their faces. “Can we get to work? I’m fine, guys, really. I just need normalcy.”
“Of course,” Dante says, nodding toward our gear. “Let’s get started.”
Days turn into a week, and nothing fills the emptiness that’s taken root inside me. Years of practice hiding my emotions make it easy to slide my mask back in place. If you’re not looking for the signs, you wouldn’t notice the small slips when I’m close to breaking.
At Eric and Dmitri’s bachelor party, I smiled and drank shots, joked and laughed, gave a toast, and even joined Theo on the dance floor.
I’m living my life, and to the untrained eye, everything appears perfect. Nothing is out of the ordinary.
I dress in my normal clothes.
I smile and laugh when it’s appropriate.
I attend practice and play well.
I cook, clean, and take a fucking shower when I’m supposed to.
I’m calm.
I’m cool.
I’m
going
fucking
crazy.
One evening, I find myself alone in the studio, playing the piano in the dark. With each note, more weight presses on my chest until it all becomes too much. I do what I swore I would never do.
I call Cho.
She answers with her usual chipper energy. “Hey, cousin!”
“How’s married life treating you?” I ask, forcing a smile into my voice.
The next ten minutes are filled with her talking nonstop, sharing stories about the wedding and honeymoon. I’m dutiful, offering the right oohs and ahs and asking the appropriate number of questions so I don’t come across as insensitive.
“So, why did you really call?” she asks with a knowing laugh.
“What, I can’t call just to ask how life is treating my favorite cousin after she got married?”
“Tai.”
It’s all she says—just my name—but it pulls a sigh from me. My pulse pounds suddenly in my ears, and I tell myself to end the conversation, to hang up before I make everything worse. The bad-decision train is already leaving the station, though, and my ticket’s been punched.
I try my best to sound casual. “Could you give me Connor’s number? I meant to get it at the resort, but he had something come up and left before I had a chance to ask.”
“You guys really hit it off, huh?” I can practically see the catty smile on Cho’s face as she chuckles. “Yeah, he messaged Andrew to let him know he had to leave before he could stop by and say goodbye. Funny, though—I never saw you again after the reception.”
“I fell asleep,” I lie smoothly. “The next morning I woke up early to drive home, and I didn’t want to wake you guys. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how much you love to sleep in.”
“Ugh, you got that right.” She laughs, then yells Andrew’s name. A quick, muffled conversation happens between them before she’s back in my ear. “Alright, do you have something to write with?”
My hands shake as I jot down his number. We talk for a few more minutes, but I couldn’t recount what we said. When we end the call, I stare at the number for a long time. Then I punch it into my phone and stare at it some more.
Finally, with my heart hammering in my chest, I press the call button. It rings once, twice, and a third time. As I’m about to hang up, I hear the click of the line connecting.
“Hello?” A perky, feminine voice answers. I freeze, pulling the phone away from my ear to stare at the screen. “Hello?” she repeats, more annoyance creeping into her tone.
“Hi,” I manage to say. “I must have the wrong number… I was looking for Connor.”
“Oh, no, you got it right. This is his phone. He’s in the shower.”
“And this is?”
She chuckles in an abrupt, condescending sound that makes me feel like an idiot. “This is Beth. His wife.”
His wife.
My stomach seizes, and I clutch the phone, doubling over and hanging my head between my knees. I open my mouth, but a wave of nausea crashes over me, forcing me to snap it shut again.
Did I… did I fuck someone’s husband?
Did I fall for someone’s fucking husband?
Her voice cuts through my rising panic. “Who’s this? Oh, wait, actually… that might be him. Hey, babe!” She shouts the last part, the noise nearly splitting my head in half. “Babe!” It’s quiet for a second before she speaks again. “False alarm. I’ll tell him you called… who is this?”
I hang up.
And I fall the fuck apart.