TWENTY-THREE #2
‘What if he’s wrong?’ I press my face into his neck to hide my expression. I feel like I’m close to hyperventilating. My heartbeat is getting faster and heavier with every word he utters. ‘You could be jeopardizing your whole career. What does Nathan say?’
‘A lot. He’s stalling. He’ll probably drag it out for a while, arguing about details, but it’s not his decision. It’s mine. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s a done deal. I spoke to Bastian on the phone this evening and I gave him my word.’
‘Is this because of us?’ Maybe it sounds egotistical to ask, but I have to know. Despite all my hinting, he obviously thinks I’m staying at Rask too. ‘I mean, are you staying because of me?’
‘No. I wouldn’t want to put that kind of pressure on you. It would be nice to keep working together, but this is a career decision and if it’s the wrong one then that’s on me. Just me.’ He presses a kiss into my hair. ‘Although I guess it’s a little because of you.’
‘What do you mean?’ My voice is so high-pitched it actually hurts my throat.
‘I remembered what you said a few weeks ago, about how Rask are like a family. What happened today made me realize just how much Bastian and this team mean to me, and how much I owe them for that. I feel like I’ve finally found a place I belong.’
I resist the temptation to wrench myself out of his arms. I can’t believe they felt so good around me a few moments ago and now they’re like shackles, holding me in place.
My mind is reeling out of control – I thought he was going to Quezada!
I was so completely sure of it! I assumed we’d be going there together.
Now I feel like I’ve been tricked, because if he’s staying at Rask then what about my plans? What about me?
‘Hey,’ he murmurs into my hair. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Yeah, I’m …’ I curl my toes into the floor. ‘I’m just … tired.’
‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you now. We’ll talk in the morning. I just wanted you to be the first to know.’ He smoothes his hands over my back. ‘Come on, your dinner’s getting cold.’
‘Actually … could you give me a couple of minutes?’ I take a step towards my bedroom. ‘I need to … get changed.’
‘Sure.’ He takes a step towards the kitchen and then stops. ‘There’s one other thing.’
My stomach twists with dread. What now?
‘I was thinking that once I’ve signed the contract maybe we could tell people about us?
’ He rubs the back of his neck like he’s nervous.
‘I know you have reasons for wanting to keep our relationship a secret, but I can’t imagine anyone treating you differently.
They all know how great you are at your job.
’ He smiles shyly. ‘I want everyone to know how much I care about you.’
I gulp. It’s too horribly ironic. An hour ago I would have told him I wanted the same thing and then launched myself back into his arms. Now my head is spinning so hard I can barely process the words, let alone come up with a coherent response. All I can think of is to stall.
‘That’s … a big step,’ I finally manage. ‘Can I think about it?’
‘Of course.’ A flicker of disappointment passes over his face. ‘I just want you to know I’m ready to take this to the next level. Whenever you are.’
‘Right … Thank you.’
I go into my bedroom, push the door to and open my mouth wide in a silent scream.
Now that he’s told me his plans for the future, it’s only fair I tell him mine too, but at this point, instead of it being good news, it’s like I’ve been keeping a huge, treacherous secret.
It’s so unfair! I want to yell the words after him.
I’m the one who’s had the ground pulled out from under her feet.
There’s no way I would ever have let myself get so close to him if I’d thought we’d be heading in different directions at the end of the season!
Because, despite what he claims, I don’t see how it’s possible to maintain a relationship while working for competing teams. Even if Jasper hadn’t specifically offered me a job 900 miles away, we’d have different loyalties.
It’s unworkable. Impractical. Impossible!
Which means that now I have to choose between my career and the man I –
I stop the thought in its tracks. I refuse to let it go any further.
The situation is bad enough without bringing feelings into it.
Feelings are what got me into this mess in the first place.
But this isn’t Leif’s fault, I remind myself.
He never told me that he was going to Quezada.
If anything, he kept telling me how conflicted he felt.
I’m the one who didn’t tell him about Jasper’s offer.
Because I thought it wasn’t necessary. Because Quezada was the obvious, best career choice for him.
Everyone expected him to go there. Everyone!
How was I supposed to know he’d put loyalty ahead of ambition?
Except … My heart plummets because maybe I should have. After everything he told me about his past and about Bastian and the Jokkinens giving him a chance … Those should have been big clues. I was just too fixated on Quezada to see it.
So maybe I should stay at Rask too?
I’m so shocked by the thought I almost forget to breathe. I like working at Rask, I truly do. When I thought Philip Sawyer was trying to destroy us, I felt genuinely angry. We really are like a family.
But … but … My brain stutters.
Quezada are the team that got me into F1, the one that saved me when I was depressed.
And Jasper’s offer is my dream job, everything I’ve worked and planned so hard for.
How can I give up on that? And what if I stay at Rask and things go wrong between me and Leif?
Then where will I be? I’ll have lost control of my life all over again, all for a man.
The prospect of that terrifies me. I can’t do it – can’t take the risk of spiralling a second time. It’s not possible.
But I care about Leif too …
I have no idea what to do, not yet. I need breathing space. So the moment I hear his footsteps heading towards my room, I climb into bed and pretend that I’ve fallen asleep.