TWENTY-SEVEN
I HONESTLY INTENDED TO pack. Only when I passed through the casino on the way back to my hotel room I decided that losing some money at blackjack was a much better idea, after which I felt compelled to continue my streak of poor life choices by raiding the mini bar and brooding.
‘There you are!’ Emika bursts into the room.
‘I can’t believe the airport bus gets here in thirty minutes.
You missed such a great party! I haven’t slept all night!
’ She swaps her Rask T-shirt for a clean one and then starts flinging clothes into her suitcase, running back and forth between the wardrobe and the bathroom.
‘How are you feeling? You must have been really exhausted yesterday.’
‘Something like that.’ I sit down on the edge of the bed. ‘I had a private party. Very exclusive. Just me and the mini bar.’ I hiccup. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll pay.’
‘Wow.’ She stops to look at me, her fingers making a circular motion in the air. ‘It seems like we ought to talk about this – whatever this is – but there’s no time right now.’
‘Don’t worry about it. I’ll meet you down in the lobby.’
‘Are you sure?’ She gives me a suspicious look.
‘Yes! I haven’t drunk that much, honestly.’ I hold a hand up. ‘Look, five fingers!’
‘ OK .’ She picks up her suitcase and heads for the door. ‘Don’t make me come back up here!’
‘I won’t,’ I promise as I lie back on the bed and close my eyes. She’s right – I should get my shit together and go down to the lobby with everyone else, but this is so much more comfortable.
I twist my head sideways at the sound of a knock.
I’d prefer to ignore it, but since it’s probably Emika again, back to collect the oversized denim jacket she’s left hanging on the chair, I get up and drag my feet to the door.
I’m already there by the time it occurs to me she could have just used her key card.
Cautiously, I place my eye to the peep-hole and then wrench the door open.
‘You!’ I glare at Leif.
‘Yes, me.’ He doesn’t wait for an invite, pushing his way into the room and slamming the door behind him. ‘Ava, where the hell have you been all night? I’ve been up here at least half a dozen times, looking for you.’
‘Not that it’s any of your business …’ I thrust my chin into the air, vaguely remembering some knocking. ‘But I’ve had things to do.’
‘Oh, really?’ His jaw clenches. ‘You know, I get that you don’t care about me any more, but I thought you’d at least come and celebrate with the team. It’s our first win.’
‘ Our first win?’ I repeat scornfully. ‘ Our? ’
‘Yes! Bastian booked out a whole restaurant. Everyone was there.’
‘Not everyone.’ I waggle a finger in front of his face. ‘Robbo went to bed.’
‘Robbo?’ He looks confused. ‘From tech?’
‘Yes! He didn’t want to celebrate with you either.’ I push my face up to his. ‘Do you want to know why?’
‘Why?’
‘Because he knows .’
‘Knows what?’ Leif sounds exasperated now. ‘Ava, you’re making no sense.’
‘That you’re going to Fraser!’ I practically shout at him.
He sways away from me and goes very still. ‘Where did you hear that?’
‘It doesn’t matter. The point is, after everything you’ve said to me about loyalty, you’re leaving Rask! And I refuse to celebrate a win when you’re about to abandon us.’ I toss my head. ‘Or are you going to deny that you had dinner with Gio and Mark Haddon the other night?’
‘No.’ His expression doesn’t alter.
‘Or that they offered you a job?’
‘No.’
‘So it’s all decided?’ His calm demeanour is maddening. ‘I can’t believe you’re so … so –’ I wave my hands in the air – ‘disloyal!’
‘Disloyal?’ He gives a short laugh. ‘Are you really going to lecture me about loyalty?’
I stiffen as a tendril of worry penetrates my mildly intoxicated brain. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Just that maybe you ought to try looking in the mirror.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘No? Be honest, Ava. What are you really upset about: the idea that I might be leaving Rask, or that it’s Fraser we’re talking about and not Quezada?’
My chest contracts so violently I have to take a deep breath in order to speak again. ‘How do you know about Quezada?’
‘Formula 1 is a small world. I recently found myself in a bar with Jasper Ramirez. Apparently you’re going to be a great addition to his team.’
‘When …?’ I clear my throat, feeling extremely sober all of a sudden. ‘How long have you known?’
‘Since Mexico.’
I stare at him in dismay. ‘ Before Austin?’
His gaze flickers. ‘What does Austin have to do with it?’
‘That’s when Gio asked you to join Fraser! Is that why you’re doing this? Because you’re mad at me?’
‘Ava, I’m not leaving Rask.’
‘But you had dinner …’
‘With Gio and Mark? Yes, I did. Bastian and Quinn were both there too. It was a pleasant evening. If you hadn’t been ignoring me, you could have joined us.’
‘But Gio … and Maisie … She said he’s been trying to persuade you.’
‘He has, and I’ve been saying no. I’m going to keep on saying no. Because I gave Bastian my word and that means something to me.’ He folds his arms over his chest. ‘You know that, Ava. I told you about Britta.’
‘Oh.’ I sink back down on to the bed. My voice is so quiet it’s barely above a whisper. I can’t believe I got this so wrong. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah, well, I guess neither of us know each other as well as we thought.’
I flinch at the bitter tone of his voice. ‘The thing is –’ I make an attempt to explain ‘– the whole Quezada situation predates Rask. I had an interview in January and Jasper Ramirez told me to come back in December.’
‘And you didn’t tell me this because ?’
‘Because it wasn’t a certainty. For all I knew, it was just another interview.
He didn’t offer me a job until the football match.
And by then I thought you were going to Quezada too.
People were talking like it was a done deal.
So I thought I would tell you when you told me.
’ I press my hands to the sides of my head.
‘It all seemed so perfect, because I thought if we were both going to Spain then I wouldn’t have to … ’
He lifts an eyebrow when I stop. ‘You wouldn’t have to what?’
I wince because I get the feeling that backtracking now isn’t an option. ‘Choose.’
‘Choose?’ His brow creases and then clears abruptly.
‘So that’s what you’ve been doing all this time?
’ He backs away from me. ‘You know, I thought I’d scared you away when I suggested we tell people about us.
I thought I’d asked for too much, but it was what I said about staying at Rask, wasn’t it?
You couldn’t choose between me and a job with Quezada? ’
‘It’s not only a job!’ I surge back to my feet. ‘Quezada are important to me. I’ve wanted to work for them since I was fifteen. I’ve been working towards it ever since. I had a plan! I thought you could fit into it, but –’
‘But then I decided to stay at Rask and mess everything up?’ He laughs, though there’s no humour in it.
I hang my head. ‘I needed time to think, that’s all. I just didn’t see how we could stay together, working for competing teams.’
‘Then I guess that’s the difference between us.
Because I didn’t need time. I knew how I felt about you.
I thought we had something special.’ He starts pacing up and down.
‘You know, when we first started seeing each other, I was thinking about signing for another team. Nathan kept on at me about it. But I would have talked to you, asked how you felt, worked out a way for us to stay together before I made a commitment to any team but Rask, whether it was confidential or not.’ He pushes his hands through his hair.
‘If you’d just told me about Quezada, told me it was your dream job, I would have seriously considered going there.
Even after I gave Bastian my word, I would have done that for you. But you shut me out.’
‘You’re right. I should have told you everything before.
’ I wrap my arms around my waist. I’ve never heard him say so much at once and every word is making my stomach churn with guilt.
He obviously thinks I’ve already signed a contract with Quezada, and I need to tell him I haven’t, but there’s so much to explain.
‘I was confused. I needed to get things clear in my own head first. And I was going to talk to you about it as soon as we got home – I promise.’
‘So after two months of ignoring me, you finally decided you want to talk?’ He stops pacing to look hard at me.
‘Just answer one question. Why did you really want to keep our relationship a secret, Ava? Was it truly because you didn’t want anyone to treat you differently?
Or was it because you didn’t want Quezada to find out about us? ’
‘It was both,’ I admit. ‘I thought it would … complicate things.’
He flinches like I’ve just struck him. ‘You know, when you grow up in care you get used to not belonging, to not feeling wanted, to relying on yourself and nobody else. At Rask, I thought I’d found a place I could finally belong, with somebody I belonged with, somebody I could open up to.
I never expected her to treat me like some dirty little secret. ’
‘No!’ My heart squeezes. ‘Leif, it wasn’t like that.’
‘How do you think it’s been for me these past months, trying to concentrate on driving while you ignore my calls?
Do you have any idea how many times I’ve almost got on a plane because I’ve been so desperate to talk to you, but knowing if I do you’ll only make up some excuse not to see me?
And then, just when I think I can’t feel any worse, I have to hear from Jasper that you’re taking a job with him? ’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think.’ I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘But I’m not taking –’
He interrupts me. ‘You know, for a communications officer, you’re pretty fucking terrible at communicating. I don’t even know what I mean to you. All I know is that if you can shut me out of your life like this, then it can’t be very much.’
‘Leif, wait.’ I put a hand on his arm as he strides past me towards the door. ‘I didn’t want to shut you out, but I told you at the start. I’m not good at relationships. I find it hard to trust.’
‘Why? Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?’
‘No.’
‘Then what else are you not telling me?’ His jaw flexes as I recoil from him. ‘I can’t do this, Ava. I hope you’re happy in Spain. Nobody at Rask knows about us and they won’t hear about it from me. You can leave with a glowing reference. I’m sure you’ll be running Quezada in no time.’
‘Leif …’ I can feel panic growing inside me.
I can’t believe I’ve messed this up so badly.
I took him for granted, expecting him to still be around when I made my decision.
Maybe if I tell him the reason I find it so hard to trust I can still fix this …
Only I can’t. I don’t talk about it. I did once, but I don’t have the words any more.
‘I’m sorry. I know I’ve been completely insensitive, but I never meant to hurt you. ’
‘Maybe not, but you still did.’ He lifts a hand towards my face, gently brushing a tear away from the curve of my cheek with his thumb. ‘Besides, what is it they say? That relationships are a two-way street? If you can keep something like this from me, how am I supposed to ever trust you again?’
‘Hey, did I leave my jacket in here?’ Emika barrels into the room suddenly, her cheeks flushed like she’s just run all the way along the corridor.
I jolt away from Leif, but it’s too late. Her shocked expression tells me she’s already seen us.
‘Here.’ I pass her the jacket.
‘Um … Thanks.’ She reaches a hand out slowly, her gaze flicking from me to Leif and then back again. ‘I was just … because the bus is coming soon.’ She retreats to the door. ‘So I’ll see you in the lobby?’
I open my mouth to say yes, but she’s already gone.
‘I guess I should go after her.’ I turn back to Leif.
‘I guess so.’ His face is a mask.
‘Can we talk some more when we get home?’
He stares at me for a long moment before twisting away. ‘What else is there to say, Ava?’
Then he’s gone too, and I realize I never even told him my decision. That in the end I chose to stay at Rask with him, after all. And now it’s too late.