TWENTY-NINE
I drive home, get showered and changed, and then drive to Quezada HQ.
The journey takes a little over an hour, but I have just enough time to get there and back before work and this is something I should do in person.
Unfortunately, it turns out I can’t even enter the driveway without an appointment, so instead I stop my car by the side of the road, where a low hedge allows me a view of the building in the distance.
Even from a mile away it’s impressive: bright and gleaming like a beacon in the early morning light.
Gazing at it reminds me of being fifteen, watching as Salvador Torres took the win for Quezada in Melbourne.
That was the first time I’d taken an interest in anything for months and I remember how it felt so clearly, like a faint tendril of sunlight was peeking through the grey clouds fogging my brain.
Quezada got me through the worst time of my life.
It gave me focus, something to aim for, a reason to get up off the sofa and go back to school.
I’ll always be grateful for that, but it’s also served its purpose.
Because now I know with every fibre of my being that if I leave Rask I’ll regret it.
Whether Leif forgives me or not, no matter how painful it is to be close to him, I want to stay.
I reach for my phone, write a short email to Jasper, take a long breath and then hit send. Quezada will always have a special place in my heart. It’s just not where I want to be right now. Maybe some day, but not yet.
THE FRONT DOOR OF Rask is locked and the reception looks empty, which is weird because I’m half an hour late, thanks to traffic, so I have to use my security pass to enter through one of the side doors.
I’m still buzzing with energy and purpose, and my pulse is racing.
Now I know what I’ve got to say to Leif, I want to find him as quickly as possible.
But all the corridors are deserted. Ditto the factory. Ditto every single room I walk past. I’m beginning to think I’ve missed a memo telling everyone to take the day off when I hear the sound of shuffling feet and loud murmurs coming from the canteen.
‘What’s going on?’ I ask the first person I meet.
‘It’s Leif.’ The man – Matt? Martin? Mike? from IT – tips his head towards me. ‘He’s called a meeting and this is the only place big enough to fit all of us.’
I start tapping my foot at hearing Leif’s name. I was half afraid he might not come in today, but if he’s called a meeting he must be here. Matt/Martin/Mike is right, though, it seems like every single Rask employee is crammed into this one room. ‘Did he say what it’s about?’
‘The contract rumours probably.’ He makes a scornful sound. ‘I heard that Fraser have offered him five million.’
‘I heard it was six,’ the woman next to him chimes in.
‘ Six million?’ I gasp. Loyalty or not, how could anyone turn down that kind of money?
My companion looks like he’s about to say something else when a hush falls over the room and I turn to see Leif climb up on to one of the counters.
My heart somersaults at the sight of him, though for a man who won a GP two days ago he looks pretty terrible.
There are dark smudges around his eyes and he clearly hasn’t shaved, but his jaw is set with determination.
‘Thank you for coming.’ He clears his throat.
‘I’m sorry to interrupt your work, but I wanted to address the rumours about me moving to Fraser.
I’m told there’s been a lot of speculation, so I wanted you all to be the first to know that I’ve just signed a two-year contract with Rask.
I’m proud of what we’ve achieved so far this year and I want to take us even further.
I think we can be the best team in F1. So I’m not going anywhere.
I’m staying here with you, my Rask family. ’
There’s a huge cheer, a spontaneous outburst from every corner of the room that gets even louder as he reaches a hand down and pulls Bastian on to the counter beside him.
‘I also thank you for coming.’ Our team principal looks embarrassed to be the centre of attention. ‘And I have another piece of news. I spoke to Mark Haddon yesterday evening and I’m delighted to announce that Quinn Sommers will be staying with us for the remainder of the season.’
There’s another even louder cheer. I’m starting to think that Leif should have called this meeting outside because we’re in danger of bringing the roof down. As bad as everyone feels for Corey, having a permanent female driver is a big – really big – deal.
‘So let’s keep fighting!’ Bastian concludes, a mischievous smile spreading across his face. ‘I know we can win again and we’re sure as hell going to try. Now get back to work, all of you!’
I don’t join in with the laughter. Instead, the moment he and Leif jump down off the counter I fight my way forward, pushing my elbows out and wriggling through the throng of people. Everyone is happy and smiling, but I’m full of butterflies. This is the moment. It’s now or never.
‘Leif!’ I burst through the crowd in front of him, panting with the exertion.
‘Ava?’ His eyes widen at the sight of me.
‘I’m staying too,’ I blurt out.
‘What?’
‘I’ve turned down Quezada’s offer. Not just because of you,’ I add hastily, as his brow tightens.
‘I want what you said as well, to stay and build a winning team. And if you say our relationship is over, then I’ll understand and we’ll keep things totally professional, but I’m really hoping you’ll give me a chance to explain before you decide. ’
‘Relationship?’ Vienna appears at Leif’s shoulder, accompanied by Bastian.
‘Yes. I’m sorry.’ I lift my chin. ‘Leif and I have been seeing each other for a while and I convinced him not to tell anyone. It’s totally my fault, and if you need to discipline me I’ll understand, but if you could give me a second chance too, that would be great.
I’d really love to stay, if you still want me? ’
‘Well …’ For once, Vienna is slow to respond. ‘ I still want you, but I get the feeling it’s not up to me.’ She quirks an eyebrow at Leif.
He gives me a long look before breaking eye contact. ‘This isn’t the place to discuss it.’
‘You’re right. We need to talk in private.’ I gesture towards a storeroom. ‘Will you let me explain?’
‘Fine.’ He walks ahead of me, folding his arms over his chest once we’re inside. ‘Go on.’
I wring my hands together. Now that I’m here, the words seem to be stuck in my throat again, but this time I know I need to get them out. I have to tell him everything. Dan’s right – it’s the only way.
‘Ava?’ Leif frowns at my hesitation.
‘Yes. I just need to …’ I take a deep breath, blow the air out slowly and start talking. ‘There’s something I should have told you before, the reason I find it hard to trust people.’
‘OK?’ His brows unclench a little.
‘When I was fifteen, I went on a night out with my friend and her boyfriend and a friend of his, a boy I really liked. It was early summer, so we met up in the park with some other people, some I knew and some I didn’t, but it was fun.
We were just hanging out and drinking. I didn’t even have much.
It was all so chilled that I thought I didn’t need to be careful, but after a while I started to feel …
confused. I tried to get up, but I was so dizzy and my vision was all blurry.
Eventually I blacked out. Luckily my friend called Dan and he came and took me home.
They both assumed I’d just had too much to drink, but when I woke up the next morning I was still a mess.
Completely disorientated, like I’d been hit in the head. ’
‘You were drugged?’ Leif’s jaw is rigid. ‘Was it the guy you were with?’
‘I still don’t know for sure. But he was the one handing out the drinks,’ I admit.
‘What about the police? Did they do anything?’
‘No. Maybe if I’d gone to the hospital straight away and got proof they could have investigated, but I left it too late.
And when I couldn’t even tell them the names of everyone I was with, they acted like it was my fault for drinking underage in the first place, like I should have been grateful that nothing worse happened.
But I still felt violated. Just the idea that somebody could have done that to me deliberately, and for what purpose …
’ I shiver at the memory. ‘The doctors said I had a kind of breakdown. I felt so hopeless and depressed and paranoid, like there was a shadow on my soul. I didn’t go out for a long time, and when I did it was never at night.
I felt like there was something evil out there, waiting to get me. ’
‘Ava …’ Leif takes a step towards me, but I hold my hands up because I need to finish.
‘I started watching F1 while I was stuck at home. It was the season when Quezada were winning everything and –’ I lift my shoulders – ‘I guess I got kind of obsessed. But it made me feel better. All the adrenaline and excitement and glamour took me out of myself. And then I thought, why can’t I be a part of that world?
So I came up with a plan, a way to work for Quezada some day.
And I started to feel like myself again.
I worked hard because I knew what I wanted, but I never told anyone what had happened to me and I hardly ever dated because the thought of being vulnerable like that again was too frightening.
I just threw myself into work.’ I pause for breath.
‘Then I met you and we had this connection. And I thought I could go to Quezada and be with you too, but then you said you were staying here and I didn’t know what to do.
I was afraid that if I gave up on my plan I’d fall apart all over again.
So that’s why I didn’t answer your calls.
I was so stuck in my own head. And by the time I realized how much I wanted to stay here at Rask, with you, it was too late. ’
‘I’m sorry.’ Leif’s voice has a catch in it. ‘Ava, I had no idea.’
‘I know. And I’m not telling you so you can feel sorry for me.
I don’t want pity. I just want you to understand why I found it so hard to choose.
But I’ve put that behind me now. And if you’ll give me another chance, I want our relationship to be out in the open.
We can tell everyone. I’ll shout it from the rooftops, if you want.
In fact …’ I run out of the storeroom impulsively.
‘Where are you going?’ Leif follows after me.
‘To make an announcement of my own!’ I kick off my heels and climb up on to the same counter he did a few minutes ago. It’s not easy in a skirt, but I’m determined. ‘Could I have everyone’s attention, please?’ I call out over the canteen. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’
‘Ava, you don’t need to …’ Leif reaches for my hand.
‘Yes, I do. If you could all look this way for a moment?’
‘Hey, everyone!’ Emika bellows from the back of the room. ‘Ava has something to say!’
‘Thank you.’ I throw her a smile. ‘The thing is …’ I begin, and then stop abruptly, as it occurs to me that I haven’t given Leif an opportunity to say anything back.
I’ve told him my truth, but he hasn’t agreed to give our relationship another try.
Oh crap. I twist my face towards the nearest exit as my palms start to sweat and my cheeks turn an even brighter shade than my hair.
Maybe I shouldn’t have climbed up here. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent that email to Jasper either.
Maybe I do still need Quezada? Because if this grand romantic gesture goes wrong, I really will have to leave.
I’ll never be able to live down the embarrassment.
And now everybody’s staring at me, because I literally just asked them to, waiting for my big announcement. It’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop. But I’m here now and there’s still one more thing I need to tell Leif.
If I’m going to make a fool of myself, I might as well do it properly.
‘The thing is …’ I repeat. ‘Leif and I have been seeing each other for a few months and I asked him to keep it a secret, but I don’t want to do that any longer because I’m in love with him.’ I close my eyes for a moment and then look back down at Leif. ‘I love you.’
There’s a stunned silence, before he climbs up on to the counter beside me.
‘You do?’ His voice is gravelly.
‘Yes.’ I throw a nervous look at the crowd and lower my voice. ‘You don’t have to say it back, but if you could pretend to say something, that would be really great.’
‘Are you kidding?’ He cups my face in his hands. ‘Ava, I’ve been in love with you for months.’
‘Really?’ A combination of relief and joy and desire bursts to life inside me. ‘Does that mean you want me to stay?’
‘Only if it’s what you really want.’ His expression turns serious again. ‘If Quezada means so much to you, then I don’t want you to give it up. We can find a way to make this work, even if it means being at different teams, in different countries.’
‘Quezada does mean a lot to me,’ I admit. ‘But you and Rask mean more.’
‘Then I guess we’re both staying.’ He lowers his mouth to mine and our captive audience goes wild.
This must be what winning a world championship feels like.