Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
Bennett
The shuddering of her shoulders is too much and I move forward wrapping my arms around her from behind. Holding her tightly to my chest I say nothing more, knowing I’ve already somehow pushed her over the edge.
Lexi has spent weeks, months even, doing everything possible to hold onto the tough girl vibe. She is tough, but she also is vulnerable, and I hate that she feels like she can’t be in front of any of us. Her giving in to that side of herself isn’t going to make any one of us see her differently.
Her body remains ridged in my arms and I close my eyes tight, fighting the urge to tell her I’m here for her. I’ve been at a loss. Unsure of what to say or how to act. I screwed up royally with Lexi.
I know had I not been a fool months ago and opened my damn eyes I would have saved her from ever falling back into old habits with a man that mistreated her.
I still see red when I think of what her ex put her through. How he held her against the wall outside the bar, yelling at her with his nose so close to hers I am sure they touched at some point.
She looked terrified.
All I wanted to do then was hurt him.
In the process she was trapped in the middle and I’ll never forgive myself for that either.
I want to protect her, I want to ensure her that she’ll never feel that fear again.
But I also don’t want to say anything that makes her feel like running from me.
That is all she has been doing since that night.
Running from her friends, hiding out from everyone that loves her.
It’s almost like she is too afraid to let us love her. Like she feels undeserving.
“You have to stop this,” she whispers but I feel how her body finally relaxes back into mine.
“Stop what?”
“Feeling like you have something to make up for.” She moves forward and turns to face me.
Her eyes are glossy from unshed tears, her nostrils flaring, her chest rising with each breath she takes as she does all she can to hold on to her emotions.
“What happened to me at the bar that night, that’s on me, and only me.
I went back to a guy that I already knew treated me badly. I’d been there once, I lived it once.”
“That’s on him,” I say in a rush reaching out for her but she pushes my hand away. The tightening in my chest from her dismissal hits hard and I lift my hand rubbing at the spot. Her gaze shifts and I notice her throat bobs as she swallows hard and it’s then I know she feels it too.
“I know I didn’t ask for him to hurt me, but I’m saying I’m the one that put myself in that position. I don’t blame you.”
“I pushed you away when I shouldn’t have.”
“So because you decided you didn’t want the same things I wanted you’re to blame for everything that happens to me from that moment forward?”
“First of all.” I wait for her eyes to lock with mine, ensuring she is watching me before continuing. “It was never about not wanting the same things—”
“Okay fine, you didn’t want them with me.”
Another kick to the nuts, or so it feels.
“Lexi, had you and I hooked up that night, it would have ruined us.” Her brows furrow.
“I wasn’t in the right headspace. I was chasing some fucked up fantasy I’d created in my head.
I screwed up so many times but out of all those mistakes, the thing that bothers me the most is what took place between you and I. ”
Quickly she looks away.
“I miss you Lex, I miss you most.”