21. Nina
Chapter twenty-one
Nina
My period was late.
I had no idea how I hadn’t noticed until now, but it was. The last time I saw it was the week Lindsay left for Boston. I remembered because I’d bled through my pad one night and a bright red stain had decorated the middle of my bed when I woke up the next morning.
But it’d been six weeks, and there was no blood. Which meant I was a little over two weeks late.
Once in a while, my period was delayed. My gyno once told me that a lot of factors that weren't pregnancy contributed to a late period. Birth control, a change in diet, hormonal imbalances, and even stress. During the last months of college, my period had been delayed by a few days more than once. It became a normal thing for me.
Back then, I never had to worry about getting pregnant because I had an IUD. Unfortunately, that only lasted for six months because it took more than it gave. It threw my hormones off, messed with my moods and my weight until I eventually had to take it out.
But the thing was, my period had never been over four days late. This was a whole new ball game. I was freaking out, so hard that I’d gone to a pharmacy to buy two Clearblue test strips, just to be absolutely sure.
I stared at the white and blue plastic stick in my hands while I sat on the toilet seat. There was no need for this. I told myself that it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I knew how to calculate my cycle, and Knox always pulled out right before he came when I told him I was ovulating. Not once had he poured his seed inside me when it was risky.
But two weeks late? Leaning back a bit, I stared at my stomach. How did pregnant people know they were pregnant, anyway? If there was a baby growing in my stomach, wouldn’t I be able to tell? My mom said I’d kicked nonstop while in her belly. Shouldn’t the baby have kicked by now?
With everything going on, I didn’t need this shit. Heaving, I got to my feet and pulled down my panties before lifting the seat and sitting on the toilet. I just needed to clear up any doubts in my mind, just to make certain that my period was only acting up because of a change in my diet or stress. I’d started another painting, after all.
Reaching between my legs, I peed on the stick, then brought it out and placed it on the counter. Three minutes. Enough time for my heart to beat its way out of my chest. I counted every second as I paced the now suffocating bathroom, hoping and praying that two weeks was a normal time for a woman’s period to go missing. Once the strip confirmed I wasn’t pregnant, I was going to go look for it.
I clicked the power button on my phone. One minute gone. Why the hell was time moving so slowly? My eyes almost darted to the strip on the counter, but I stopped myself in time, not wanting to conclude before the appropriate time.
To distract myself, I thought about the situation here in the apartment. It’d been two days since I’d stupidly kissed Knox in front of Lindsay, and no one had spoken a word to anyone. I was ignoring Lindsay. Lindsay was ignoring Knox and me, and Knox just seemed so fucking miserable when I saw him in the kitchen this morning before work, we didn’t say anything at all.
It was sad that we couldn’t fully celebrate his accomplishments with Uncle Dean because of me. I sighed. I still couldn’t believe that I’d been so stupid and reckless. How could I, in my excitement, have forgotten that Lindsay was there? Why did I not think before acting?
I should’ve gone to Lindsay. But I had absolutely nothing to say that would explain the scene she’d witnessed. And I hated it so much that things had become so strained between us. We told each other everything. It was terrible that this was happening. I knew what she must be thinking—that I’d probably seduced her brother or something along those lines and how someone like me didn’t deserve to be in his life.
Knox, on the other hand, had given me space. In a way, I appreciated it. I didn’t think I could continue sneaking around with him while Lindsay was here, and I also didn’t think I would have been able to say no to him had he shown up at my door.
Maybe it was time to end all this drama. It wasn’t like anything was serious between us, anyway. It was just sex, even though he’d told me he was in love with me and expected that I would somehow forget how it felt to hear him say that. Maybe it was for the best that this had happened.
Sighing, I checked my phone again, relieved that I’d succeeded in whiling away time.
That relief, however, went down the freaking drain when my gaze landed on the strip, and saw the little blue positive sign.
***
If I thought I was freaking out earlier, well… let’s just say I’d been horribly wrong.
In the space of five hours, I’d laughed, cried, panicked, hyperventilated, and almost passed out because of shock.
I was pregnant. You hear that? Pregnant!
It was the most ridiculous thing that could have happened. No. The important question was, how did it happen? How on earth was there a baby growing inside me? My calculations were correct. We never used a condom, but… fucking hell. It’d been a year since I took out my birth control and I’d had sex during that time, hadn’t I? I tried to think back, wondering if I’d ever had unprotected sex with anyone but came up blank. Even Michael had used condoms.
I facepalmed, dropping onto the edge of my bed as my tears fell. I was a fool. Pregnant at twenty-three? By a man who didn’t want to hear about my feelings, who only wanted what was convenient? A man who touched me like I was priceless, but couldn’t see past his own fears or desires to want more with me?
The first person I wanted to tell was Lindsay. But I’d managed to completely fuck that one up, too. Calling my mother wasn’t an option either. I already knew what she would say: “It isn’t about money, my sweetheart. It’s about the fact that you’re too young to be a mother, much less a single one.”
And she would be right.
Turned out I still had more tears to cry, because now I was full-on sobbing. Angry, helpless loud sounds that even with my palms pressed against my face did little to muffle. There were so many emotions raging inside me, the top of them being hurt.
It hurt that I’d betrayed my best friend, and it hurt that the man I’d fallen in love with did not think I was worthy enough to desire more than sex. It hurt that my parents did not see my love for painting as something important, and it fucking hurt that my painting had been up online for more than a week and I had yet to receive a decent offer. And God, it hurt so fucking bad that I was young and pregnant and entirely alone.
Late in the evening, a knock sounded on my door. Sluggishly, I crawled out of bed where I’d been laying for hours and went to open the door, coming face-to-face with Knox.
He looked tired. Handsome as ever, but tired. Dark circles had formed underneath his eyes, which had lost some of their shine since the last time I saw him. Even the stubble on his chin that was usually low and well-kept had overgrown. We’d not spoken for two days. I missed him so much, and I couldn’t help wondering if he missed me, too.
“Hey,” he murmured, leaning against the wall and pressing his forehead to the concrete as he looked down at me.
I inhaled. I missed hearing his voice. I missed his touch, too.
“Hey,” I whispered back, holding his gaze as my thoughts ran. I was pregnant by this man. We were going to have a baby together. If I kept this child, our lives would forever remain intertwined.
I had no idea if I should be happy or terrified about that little tidbit of information.
“How are you?” he asked, and I thought he inched closer a bit because I could smell his cologne.
Terrible.
Licking my lips, I gave him a half-truth. “Hanging in there. You?”
His eyes closed for a brief second. “Same.”
I nodded softly. Neither of us said a word for a while; we just stared at each other as many words and emotions flowed between us. He hadn’t been okay—I could tell by the barely concealed anguish swirling in his eyes. Could he tell that it was the same for me, too? Did he notice that I’d spent all day crying?
The topic of Lindsay hung between us. I wondered if he’d spoken to her. If he had, I wanted to know if everything was good between them. The last thing I wanted was to come between brother and sister because I didn’t have the sense to not fall for him.
“Nina,” he started, his jaw tightening. “I came here to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
A pregnant pause. “I’m leaving today. I’m going back home.”
The words washed over me like a bucket of chilled water. I inhaled sharply, suddenly feeling dizzy. The contents of my stomach threatened to travel back to my mouth, and I clamped down on my tongue to keep it down.
“Oh,” I finally forced out in a quick breath as I felt something tickle at the back of my eyes.
Stop that , I told myself. I would not cry. Not in front of him.
“Yeah.” Knox went on. “The renovations at my house are done. Actually, it’s been done for a few days now. I just…” His eyes darted away from me for a second, then returned. “I guess it doesn’t matter. I only wanted to let you know that I’m leaving tonight.”
No, don’t go. Please stay. I’m carrying your child. Don’t make me stay here alone.
I wanted to speak these words, to scream them from the top of my lungs, but I couldn’t. My tongue felt like it had been tied up, my breath quickened, and my lungs tightened. I was panicking. Closing my eyes, I counted back from a hundred.
“Nina?” Knox called, his voice floating in the background. I registered his concern.
Ninety-two. But what about us, Knox?
Ninety. What about everything we did together? Our memories? The good times we had together?
Eighty-three. You told me you had feelings for me. Am I supposed to just forget that and move on with my life?
Seventy-five. What would happen to our baby?
Sixty-nine…
A hand grabbed my shoulder, jerking me. “Nina? Princess, come on, talk to me. Say something. Anything.”
Fifty-six. But I am talking, Knox. I’m saying it all.
Fifty.
I opened my eyes. Knox’s face was twisted deep in concern as he stared down at me. I loved him so much. Too much. My heart ached and squeezed and then shrunk and suddenly I knew what I had to do. It was the hardest thing ever, but it was necessary.
Spreading my lips, I tried to muster up a smile. “I’m happy for you. Be safe, alright?” I almost added Don’t be a stranger , but something told me that it was exactly what he needed to be to me.
I must’ve looked like a crackhead, because Knox was frowning. “What just happened? You spaced out.”
“Yeah… Uh… Tired. I’ve been painting all day.”
He looked skeptical, but his hand on my shoulder dropped. “I’m proud of you for taking your passion so seriously, Nina. You should know that.”
I nodded. “Thanks”
Knox took a step back, creating distance between us. The tears came again. I held it back. “Well, I guess this is it.”
It was weird and awkward. Knox seemed like he didn’t want to leave, but I knew it was the opposite. Maybe he would miss the sex, but that was all he would miss. Not me, or the late-night cuddles, or the calm and peaceful conversations or all the kisses we shared while eating pizza.
“I guess so too.”
Say something, please. Tell me you care, and this wasn’t the end of us.
We shared a look. Moments passed, but he didn’t move. His gaze lingered on me, and I thought I saw something akin to regret flash in his eyes. Probably regret that we’d gotten here in the first place.
Then he spoke up, “I wanted to thank you, Nina, for your help with Dean. I might be bull-headed and unyielding sometimes, but at least I can recognize when someone helps me. I know all this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t put in a good word for me. So… thank you.”
I swallowed down the thick ball of saliva at the base of my throat. “I assure you; I didn’t do anything. This is all you, Knox.”
He bobbed his head again, drifting back into an awkward silence. This was the weirdest and hardest goodbye I’d ever had to give. I wanted it to be done and over with so I could finally let loose the tears that I’d been holding at bay.
My voice was thick with emotion when I said, “Goodbye, Knox. I hope you succeed in all your adventures.”
I didn’t wait to see the look on his face before shutting the door. Afterwards, I fell to the floor and cried like a baby.