22. Nina
Chapter twenty-two
Nina
Ever since Knox left some days ago, life seemed dull. In hindsight, it had been incredibly stupid of me to give him so much importance in my life, but my brain and my heart were enemies in the war against Knox Coleman.
I’d gone to the doctor to do a blood test, just to be sure that I was really pregnant. I was. Four weeks gone. Yay, I guess.
My stance on my pregnancy was fifty-fifty. I wasn’t sure if I wanted it or not. I was young and unmarried, fresh out of college with my entire life ahead of me, and there was the fact that I hadn’t the slightest idea what to do with a baby.
The thought of telling Knox was almost laughable. Not that I didn’t want him to know—it was just that I couldn’t bear the idea of him thinking I was using this to trap him, to make him a part of my life when I knew he clearly didn’t want to be.
Sometimes, I’d catch myself wondering how he was doing or if I ever crossed his mind. I’d think of calling him or sending him a text, just to make sure he hadn’t forgotten me. Then I’d berate myself for being so pathetic and desperate and look for ways to take my mind off him.
I’ve been painting a lot recently. For the first time in my life, I finished a painting in one day. I’d been mighty proud of myself, but the stress had been so much that I’d slept for nine hours afterwards, then woke up and started another.
I knew what all of this was—a distraction that wasn’t even working. I still thought of Knox constantly, and I still wished he hadn’t left. And by left, I mean me. From what he’d told me, he was only a half hour away, so it wasn’t like he moved to Europe or something. No, he only left me.
Kinda sucked to be healing from a breakup when I hadn’t even been in a relationship in the first place.
I’d already decided to break the news to my parents, but I’d have to fly back to California for that. They would want to hear it in person.
All that was left was Lindsay. She was leaving for Boston in five days. I knew I couldn’t let her go without speaking to her. No matter what happened, she was still like a sister to me. I loved her, and I always would. Even if she decided never to speak to me again, she had to know that I never planned things with Knox. It just happened.
When I was thirteen and dealing with the loss of my so-called friends, my dad said to me, “Nina, making friends is easy—keeping them is what matters. And just because someone is in your life for a moment doesn’t mean they’re meant to stay forever. What matters most is knowing which friendships are worth the work to keep and which ones will fade when the effort’s gone.”
At the time, I hadn’t really understood what he meant; I only knew that I’d been hurt, and I would never make another friend ever again. Until I met Lindsay, and everything changed.
Now, I saw wisdom in Dad’s words. Lindsay was worth the work to keep; she always had been. And the basic truth was that I would never have with anyone what I have with her.
It was that thought that had been seeking her out the following afternoon. Because of the nature of her work, she wasn’t home half the time, so it was fortuitous that I found her lounging on the couch in the living room, her eyes glued to the TV screen where a soap opera was playing.
I sucked in a breath, my stomach tingling with nerves as my feet stepped forward tentatively.
“Lin?” The sound came out weak.
No response. If she was ignoring me, I would cry. I swear to God.
Clearing my throat, I tried again. “Lindsay?”
Lin’s head snapped to me, her eyes widening slightly. She sat upright, facing her entire body in my direction. I couldn’t read the exact look in her eyes, but I was sure that there was no anger. Matter of fact, she seemed more anxious than anything.
“Neens.”
I sighed deeply, my heart clenching painfully in my chest. “I’m sorry, Lin. I’m a terrible friend.”
The smile she gave me was sad. “No arguments there.”
“I should’ve said this a lot sooner, but I… was ashamed of what you would say and think of me.”
Her perfectly arched brow curved. “Why would I think anything of you?”
I pressed my lips together nervously. “Because I kissed your brother.”
Lindsay still looked confused. “Wait. You think that’s why I’m pissed at you?”
“…Isn’t it?”
She stared at me for a long moment before sighing. Leaning back on the couch, she tapped the space next to her. Practically running to where she was sitting, I dropped on the plush cushion and lifted my gaze to hers.
“Nina, I’m pretty sure a kiss is not the only thing you’ve done with my brother,” she said.
My cheeks warmed, which was odd because Lindsay and I always shared raw details of our sex lives with each other. It was something we both looked forward to after every night out. The embarrassment I was currently feeling was most likely due to the fact that the man involved this time was her brother.
She didn’t wait for a response. “That said, I want to first point out that you’re a grown woman and he’s a grown man. You’re both allowed to exchange bodily fluids however you like, no matter how disgusting I think it is.”
My brain felt like it was clogging up. “Hold on. You’re saying that you don’t care that we… did things together?”
She shook her head softly. “But I do care that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me. That’s why I’m pissed at you.”
“Oh, Lindsay…” My eyes watered. My hormones were a mess.
“I’m your best friend, babes. We’re each other's ride-or-die. If you can’t tell me about what’s going on with you, no matter who it’s with, then what’s the point of this?”
“I—”
“I’m not finished.” She held up a hand, silencing me. “At the same time, Knox is my brother, and I want him to be happy because he deserves it. Which is why I’m asking you, not as your friend, but as his sister… what happened between you two?”
I blew out my cheeks, staring into the distance. “Honestly, I have no idea. One night we were arguing, and the next we were having sex. It just became a thing, you know? Something simple and uncomplicated that we both enjoyed doing until it wasn’t.”
I met her eyes, registering the exact moment understanding dawned on her.
“You fell for him.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement—an undeniable fact.
I nodded. “Unequivocally.”
“Do you think he loves you?”
Huffing, I threw my head back, and a tear fell down the side of my face. God, it felt fucking great to finally talk about this with her. Lindsay was an amazing listener, and I needed someone to just… listen.
“He told me one night that he has feelings for me, but I doubt it. He just wants sex because it’s convenient.”
“Hmm.” Lindsay made a sound at the back of her throat. “And what do you want?”
What did I want? The answer to that question was limitless. I wanted a lot of things right now but at the top of them all was… “Him. I want him to try. I don’t want to be just another woman to come and go. I want to be more to him.”
“Wow.” Lindsay gaped at me, as if she couldn’t believe that I’d said something so daring. I felt self-conscious. “The only thing I've seen you this passionate about is painting.”
I chuckled lightly. “I know, right?”
She smiled. “Well, if you ask me, I don’t think Knox is only interested in your body. You didn’t see what I saw that day. He was positively glowing when he saw you, and he certainly didn’t look at me the way he looked at you.
“Initially, I thought it was because of his good news, but after I thought about it, I realized that my brother had looked way too happy when you showed up. His eyes lit up so brightly and…” she trailed off, frowning deeply. “The last time I saw him so happy was nine years ago.”
I bit my lower lip, feeling sad for her. “Before your dad died?”
She nodded. Tears welled in her eyes and fell down her face. She wiped them away with her palm, but they continued to fall. “Yeah, before then. Whatever you might think, I know my brother doesn’t see you as just a body to warm his bed. He’s just scared.”
“Scared?”
“I think so. Knox has always been a reserved and guarded person. And you’re, quite frankly, the exact opposite. It’s highly possible that you disrupt his carefully crafted life, and he’s terrified of you. Control is all he knows and you’re a threat to that.”
Well, fuck . I hadn’t even thought of that. And so, I began to think. We never had sex in my room. He always said my room was too messy, or he’d subtly criticize something else. I never complained because his bed smelled like him, and I liked being in his space. If I was being honest, I’d have slept on the fucking road if he was there.
But now that Lindsay brought it up, could it be that Knox had been trying to gain and keep control of our relationship—or whatever it was we were doing?
It didn’t matter because at the end of the day, this was Lindsay’s opinion. She was probably only saying this to soften the blow of her brother’s rejection.
“Thank you for listening, Lin. You don’t know how glad I am that this didn’t ruin our friendship. I was scared you’d never speak to me again.”
My best friend gave me a sad look, then reached forward to hug me. As soon as her arms went around me, it felt like everything I’d been holding back and trying to act like I was strong about just came rushing forth like a broken faucet. I started to cry. Soft, aching tears at first and then devastated sobs that raked through my body and filled the entire room.
I cried for everything I’d felt, and everything I was feeling. Love, hurt, shame, pain, and rejection mixed into one. I cried because the way I’d fallen in love with Knox had taken less than a second to be sure of, yet I knew it would take a lifetime to get over him. And I cried because even though Lindsay was here right now, holding me when it mattered the most, she would be gone again soon. And then I would be alone, with a baby that reminded me of the love I’d lost, or with the memory of a baby that reminded me of what could have been.
“Cry, babes.” Lindsay smoothed her hands down my hair, her voice a soothing whisper. “Let it out. I promise you’ll feel better.”
“I—I won’t,” I hiccupped, burrowing my face into her chest. “I won’t ever feel better because… I won’t ever forget him.”
“Why not?”
The tears fell harder. “Because I’m pregnant!”
Lindsay became like a statue against me. My body was still racking with sobs as I pushed back to look up at her. Her mouth was agape, hazel eyes wide as they stared back at me. At one point, I thought she couldn’t even see me. I’d never seen her so out of it. Then she pressed a hand to her heart, as if trying to gauge if it was beating or not.
“Lin?” I asked, my voice thick with unshed tears. Suddenly, I was more worried about her than about myself.
Lindsay’s eyes seemed to shift back into focus as our gazes finally locked. “You’re… pregnant?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, yet it echoed in the silence of the living room.
“I found out over the weekend.”
She swallowed hard. “Is it… Knox’s?”
I nodded. “But I don’t think I’m going to tell him.”
Blinking, a line creased between her brows. “What? Why the fuck not?”
“What if he accuses me of trying to tie him down with a baby? I couldn’t stand it. Besides, I’m not sure I’m even going to keep it. I’m too young. I wouldn’t know the first thing about being a mother.”
Lindsay licked her lips hurriedly, adjusting on the couch so that we were closer than before, however impossible it seemed. “Neens, I need you to listen to me. You’re carrying his child. There’s no way he’ll ever reject you, or it.”
I didn’t like the hint of excitement in her tone. “I won’t take the chance, Lindsay. It’s either he wants me and the baby, or he doesn’t get either of us. I will not be a second choice. I’m done with that shit.”
“Oh my fucking God! How the hell are you so dense?” Lindsay suddenly snapped, her voice rising. “For someone who’s able to capture exact emotions behind everything, how the hell are you so fucking blind to the perfect love story right there in front of you? You didn’t see what I saw that day, Nina. That man is crazy about you.
“He laughed so fucking hard, I was shocked. I’d never heard him laugh like that before. He held you so dearly, as if he was scared that you would break. I was standing right there, and he didn’t notice because all he could see was you. After you left, he couldn’t even look at me and I knew it wasn’t just because of me. He was terrified of what he might have done to you. How can you not see that?”
The tears resurfaced. “What if you’re wrong? I’ve been hurt before, Lin. You know that, you were there. I don’t want to get hurt again.”
She reached forward to take my hand in hers, her eyes shining with concern. “But wouldn’t it be better to try? I’m not going to force you to do anything. If you don’t want to keep the baby, that’s fine. I’m talking about you. You love him and I think he loves you, too. Why let fear keep you from everything you want?”
I stared into her, torn. God knew I wanted to believe her so badly. I wanted her to be right. But there were just so many doubts swirling in my mind. I’d learned a long time ago to always be skeptical of things, to second-guess everything. If she was wrong…
But what if she’s right? A voice whispered in the back of my mind. What if Knox, like you, is just scared?
Was that a chance I was willing to take? I had no idea. But… maybe Lindsay was right. Maybe everything I wanted was on the other side of fear. I’d been rejected many times, and that was probably what was holding me back. What was one more time, right?
Well, you’ve never been rejected by Knox. This one might kill you.
If it did, then fine. At least I could say I tried. If I decided to keep the baby, at least one day I could tell it I tried to make things work. But life doesn’t always give you lemons to make lemonade. Sometimes, it gave you love, and then it took it away and you know what? That was fine, too.
I wiped underneath my eyes. “Fine.”
Lindsay’s lips split into a smile. “Yeah?”
I chuckled at her enthusiasm. “Yeah.”
“Fuck yes!” She hugged me again. “I’m going to be an aunty, Neens. Thank you so much!”
Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t deny that she would make an amazing aunt. But there was still much to take care of first. “Hold your horses. You don’t know that yet.”
She broke the hug, pressing her lips into a thin line. “Right. Yes, you’re right. When will you go see him?”
I exhaled sharply. The sooner the better. No point putting it off. “Tonight. Do you have his address?”