Chapter 4
FLYNN
I’m done cleaning the milking clusters. They self-clean after milking each cow, but it’s still good hygiene to do a deep clean.
“You don’t take much time off, do you?” Tony says.
It’s his farm, but he has too big a herd to run it alone.
His son, Angus, helped him for years, but doesn’t want to stay on the farm after he graduates, so Tony’s wife hired me to take over.
Tony hasn’t hidden his lack of confidence in me, so I’ve been busting a gut the last few weeks to prove my worth.
Unlike him, I don’t have a background in farming, but I do have a degree, hands-on experience, and a desire to learn.
“There’s a lot to do around here.” I wince, hoping my words didn’t sound like criticism.
“It’s a farm. There’s always something to do.”
I smile. “I’m done for the day, now. Unless there’s anything else you want me to do this evening?”
“You don’t go out as much as Angus. Didn’t you get on with his friends?”
I widen my smile. “They were nice.” From the thirty seconds I saw of them before I got drunk.
I haven’t been out with Angus since. I don’t want to risk running into Jimmy again.
As he pointed out, this is his city. At least I have a car now, so I can leave the farm whenever I want to, but where would I go?
I don’t know anyone. Angus is nice, but he’s not around much, and Tony’s not one for conversation.
I’ve never been one for going to pubs, bars, or clubs on my own.
It doesn’t seem like much fun. Am I lonely?
A little. But each day I wake up to the sound of cows lowing, fresh country air—ignoring the stench of manure—and stunning views, and it doesn’t bother me anymore.
I spend my days working hard for Tony, and go to bed tired and satisfied.
“You’ve done good work today,” he says, and then wanders off towards the farmhouse.
I do a walk-by of the pasture the herd is in, before following Tony inside. He’s watching TV in the lounge, the volume up far too high. It takes me about thirty seconds to realise he’s watching darts, which isn’t my thing. I go upstairs, take a shower, and retreat to my room.
I might live here, but it’s not my home.
I can’t relax and don’t feel like it’s okay to occupy any space other than this room.
I also didn’t bring much with me. I’ve travelled light for several years now, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
It’s not like I’ll ever be able to afford my own farm.
I’ll always be working for someone else.
Living here is way more convenient than finding my own place, and a lot cheaper, too.
But it is lonely. I’m missing being held in someone’s arms. I sit on the bed and run my hand through my damp hair, messing it up.
Is that what I want? Am I yearning for sex?
It’s been a while. I don't remember much of my drunken encounter with Jimmy, which is a good thing. I haven’t slept with anyone since.
I haven’t even thought about it, so why am I now?
I’m allowed to want to. I’m divorced. My relationship with Billy is over.
I just haven’t wanted sex in a while. Deep down, it felt like a betrayal when Billy was the only man I’d ever slept with.
Although, thanks to far too much alcohol, that ship has sailed now.
Fuck it. If Tony thinks I need to get out more, I do. I still don’t fancy going to a bar or club on my own, but a hookup? That would be fun, wouldn’t it?
I download a hook-up app to my phone, create a quick profile, using the gobbledygook username it suggests, and fill in what kind of person I’m looking for.
I need a profile picture, but don’t want to put my face on there.
Instead, I take a picture of my torso in the mirror that hangs above the dresser.
It’ll do. It doesn’t take long to get approved, and then I’m scrolling through pictures, realising that every guy on there has a similar profile picture to me.
I guess we're all looking for anonymity.
A ping tells me I have a message. Already?
Wow. The message is brief: ‘I’m a strict top.
Do you want to come to mine and fuck?’ I drool over his profile picture.
He’s far more muscular than I am. I bet he works out.
Are his arms as muscly as his body? Does he give good hugs?
He wants sex. I want sex. Cuddles afterwards will be a bonus I can’t hope for.
My pulse quickens. Is this what I want? Am I ready to have sex with anyone, let alone a stranger? On the other hand, there will be fewer expectations, and it’s not as if we’ll ever see each other again. No expectations. No risks. No heartache. Perfect. Right?
I take a breath and reply, ‘When and where?’
A few seconds later, he replies with his address and a time: two hours from now.
The address means nothing to me. Leeds is a big place, and I’ve not explored much of it.
I’m most familiar with the city centre and the route to it, but I couldn’t name any of the streets if you paid me.
I put the postcode into the satnav on my phone.
My hook-up lives an hour away, which gives me time to have another shower.
My hook-up. My heart races. Fuck, I’m doing this.
I’m putting myself out there. I’d say ‘again’, but it’s for the first time.
I hope my nerves calm down by the time I get there.
A shower will help, besides, I need to douche.
If I get there and I’m still a bag of nerves, I can apologise and bug out.
But that won’t happen. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fun. It’ll be great.
An hour later, I pull up outside a familiar terraced house with a yellow door.
I’ve seen houses of a similar age and style back home, so maybe that’s what’s prickling my memory.
My gut is churning a bit, but that’s due to nerves, right?
This is the first time I’ve ever hooked up with a guy via an app.
The first time I’ve decided to go out for casual sex.
Of course I’m nervous. But it will be fun.
I get out of the car, lock it, check the number in my phone app, and then knock on the door. Seconds later, footsteps thunder down the stairs, and the door is flung open.
“Hi!” Jimmy’s expression falls at the exact moment mine does. “Uh, no offence, but what are you doing here? If you want a chat, that’s cool, but I’m expecting someone any moment.” He glances up and down the street.
I clutch my phone and stare at it, teeth clenched. “I think you’re waiting for me.”
He widens his eyes. “No way. You’re my hook-up?”
I nod miserably. I was drooling over Jimmy’s abs. I slump my shoulders. “Why does fate keep thrusting us together?”
He snort-laughs.
I glare at him. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Really? ‘Cause that was one hell of a Freudian slip.”
I narrow my eyes further.
He holds his hands up. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop poking fun.” He laughs at his pun.
I fold my arms and lower my chin.
“Sorry, sorry.” His gaze flicks over me. “You wanted to look good for your hook-up, huh?”
I lift my chin and stare into his big brown eyes. “I made an effort.”
His voice softens, “You look great.”
I do my best not to focus on how handsome he is or how nice his aftershave smells. “I should go. You’ve got time to find someone else to hook up with.” I turn towards my car.
“You’re back in the game?”
I freeze. “Just about. I only created that profile this evening.”
He whistles. “What will you do now?”
I look over my shoulder. “Go back to the farm. Read. Get some sleep.”
He stares at me for several seconds before sighing. “Or we could do something. Not sex,” he adds. “But we could hang out.”
“You want to spend time with me?” I ask incredulously.
He opens and closes his mouth. “Look, all I was looking for was some stress relief tonight. I’m in the middle of finals, and it sucks.”
“I can relate.”
“So yeah, I could message someone else, or we could see a film, or have a drink in the nearest pub, or something.” He spreads his hands and stares at them. “If you want to.”
Do I? Why is he even offering?
I turn around. “Wouldn’t it be awkward?”
“Because we—?”
“Slept together.” I hush my voice to a whisper—a miserable one, at that.
“It might be, but it’s got to be better than letting our nights get ruined, right?”
Does it? Once upon a time, I’d have loved to spend the evening hanging out with Jimmy, but that was before he became cold and distant. That was before he started hating me for reasons I still don’t understand.
“I’m sorry for ruining your night,” he says in a conciliatory tone.
“It’s not your fault.”
“I messaged you.”
“I replied.” Based on a picture of his chest. A chest I found attractive. I swallow hard.
“You didn’t know it was me.”
And he didn’t realise he was contacting me. Which should absolve me of all guilt for being here, but it doesn’t. Picture or not, I was—am—attracted to my ex’s twin brother’s chest. Isn’t that a betrayal?
“You’re not married to him anymore,” Jimmy says softly.
I look up and blink.
“And trust me, he’s out there having fun.”
Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he be? We’re divorced. Billy doesn’t owe me anything. And I don’t owe him anything, either. I clench my fists. Why should I put my life on hold out of some warped sense of duty?
“Shit. I’m sorry. I’m a jerk. I shouldn’t have said that,” Jimmy says.
I press my lips together and shake my head. “He’s got every right to move on.”
“Do you want to come in for a coffee or a beer?”
I grimace. “No alcohol.”
He chuckles. “That’s a good call. Shit, Flynn, you look like a puppy that’s just been kicked in the teeth.”
Do I? Why am I letting Billy’s sex life bother me?
“Coffee? Or we can go to the cinema. I can check what’s on while we drive there. That’s if you don’t mind driving. I have my licence, but I don’t have a car.”
“Or we could do what I came here for.”
Jimmy’s eyes bug out of his head. “Are you serious?”
Am I? Sleeping with Jimmy while stone-cold sober would be a bad idea. I also can’t be sure I’m not suggesting it because I’m upset with Billy. Even though I have no reason to be upset, and I sure as hell shouldn’t be using Jimmy.
I wave my hand. “Forget it. I’ll see you around, okay?” I turn and stride to my car, putting my hand on the door handle.
Jimmy grips my shoulder. I hadn’t even heard him come after me. I’d been so consumed with getting the fuck out of here. “You’re not okay.”
No. I’m not. My head is all kinds of messed up. I don’t know what I want or how I should be feeling. Everything is chaos.
I hunch my shoulders. “I’m fine. Let me go.”
He does. “Come inside.”
“Why?” My voice is hoarse.
Jimmy is quiet for a moment, as if he’s trying to figure out why he asked me in. Eventually, he says, “So I can make sure you’re safe to drive.”
“I am.”
“Humour me.”
I look at him. He’s close. And I can’t deny his new-to-me physique makes my insides quiver with desire. I can’t help but imagine myself in his strong arms.
I shouldn’t. Sleeping with Jimmy will hurt him, Billy, and me. So why do I want to say fuck it all and get on my hands and knees for him?
“Come inside,” he repeats in a sinfully soft voice. “Just for a few minutes. I’ll get you a drink. Coffee. Water. Juice. Warm milk.”
I can’t help but smile. Warm milk has been my go-to bedtime drink since I was a kid. My eyes prickle with tears.
“Whatever you want. You can calm down, and then you can drive home, if that’s what you want to do.”
I shouldn’t. But Jimmy wants to take care of me, and I want to let him.