Chapter 5 Jimmy
JIMMY
I am such a jerk. Why did I tell Flynn that Billy was ‘out there having fun’, or whatever the fuck I said?
It wasn’t kind, and I need to make it right, although I’m not sure how.
His suggestion of fucking is also buzzing through my head.
Did he mean it, or did he suggest it because he was upset?
Would I mind being used? Yes, if his gaze ends up full of regret after we've done the deed. If neither of us mentions it again, it won’t happen.
I lead him to the kitchen, grab milk from the fridge, measure some into two mugs and tip it into a saucepan.
Flynn sits at the breakfast bar, which is the only thing we have that resembles a table.
There are two reception rooms, and if this were a family home, one would be earmarked as the dining room.
But this is a student house, so the one at the front is a bedroom instead, which means there are four bedrooms instead of the intended three.
“Where are your housemates?” Flynn asks.
“In their rooms.”
I heat the milk, careful not to let it boil. “Do you still love him?”
Flynn stiffens. “Billy?”
I nod.
He looks away, chin trembling, which gives me the answer he can’t—or won’t—say out loud.
“What happened?” It’s none of my business. I shouldn’t be asking, but I want to know.
“Hasn’t Billy already told you?”
“Mum said the two of you fell out of love. Billy said—” I shut my mouth, not wanting to add insult to injury.
“What did Billy say?”
I take a breath. “That you wanted to be a farm boy more than you wanted to be with him.”
Flynn flinches.
“I’d like to hear your side of the story.”
“Why?”
I blink. “What do you mean?”
“You hate me.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I get why you think that.” And, to be fair, I wanted to hate him. I acted like I did.
“Am I wrong?”
I shrug and stare at the milk. It’s ready. Part of me still wants to hate him, which is pathetic. I should never have made my jealousy his problem. I pour half the milk into one mug and give it to Flynn before adding cocoa powder to the remaining milk.
He blows over the top of his warm milk. “Me wanting to work on farms didn’t help, but it’s not the only thing that went wrong.” He sips the drink, his lashes flickering as he savours it.
Me? I need the added sweetness of the chocolate. I never got how he could drink warm milk without it. I pour my hot chocolate into my mug and stir in some cold milk until it’s drinkable.
“Want to talk about it?” I ask.
“No.” His reply is swift and blunt. He sips more milk. “This is nice, thank you.”
“Not too hot?” I didn’t add cold to his.
He shakes his head and sips some more. “This is awkward.”
“You only have to stay long enough to calm down, which isn’t me telling you to get lost, by the way. You can stay as long as you want.”
“You’re confusing.”
I laugh. “Should I take that as a compliment?”
“I thought you hated me, but you’re being nice to me. And I get it. I came between you and Billy by falling for him. I changed the dynamic of our friendship and fucked everything up.”
“Flynn—”
He stares at me with his pretty blue eyes. “It’s true. Things were great when the three of us were friends.”
That part is true, but it also isn’t fair for Flynn to take the blame for the shift in dynamics.
Not that I can say that, without throwing Billy under the bus.
Would it help if I told Flynn the truth?
If I did, he would understand the real reason that I was so pissed off and hurt.
No. It would hurt him. But I need to say something.
“I was a jealous arsehole, that’s all.”
He blinks. “Jealous? Because I took your twin from you?”
No. “Yeah, something like that.” I’m screwing this up.
“I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t need to apologise, but again, I can’t explain that without painting Billy as the villain in our story, which will cause Flynn pain.
“You fell for each other. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
“How many twenty-two-year-olds can say they’ve already been married and divorced?” He sounds glum, not that I can blame him.
“How’s your grandma?” Smooth change of subject there, Jimmy.
“She’s good. I moved in with her for a while after Billy and I broke up.” He tilts his head. “But you knew that, didn’t you?”
“Billy did mention it.” About an hour ago.
“That’s how I got the job on Angus’ dad’s farm.”
“Oh?”
“Her neighbour is Angus’ grandma.”
“Really?”
Flynn nods. “She’s been unwell for a while and her daughter—Angus’ mum—has been staying with her to take care of her.”
I knew that. It sucks for Angus that his mum hasn’t been around much the last few months, as she’s a hundred times more supportive than his dad is.
“She got talking to grandma, found out I was looking for a job on a farm, and pretty much hired me on the spot.”
“It’s a small world. What are the odds of you meeting someone connected to me in a roundabout kind of way?”
He shrugs. “Slim? As I said, the universe wants to—” He presses his lips into a thin line.
“Thrust us together?” I add a jokey tone to my voice.
Flynn laughs nervously. “Yeah.” He finishes the warm milk and puts the mug on the breakfast bar with a resounding thud. “I should go. I’m calm enough to drive.”
I don’t want him to go.
“Uh, sure. I’m not throwing you out, though. It’s been ages since we talked. That’s my fault for being a jerk after you got together with Billy. But it would be nice to catch up some more, if you can stand my company for a bit longer?”
His expression wavers between uncertainty and doubt.
“I can make more warm milk.”
He laughs. “That might make me too sleepy to drive.”
“And I bet you have a crazy early start in the morning.”
Before Flynn took over, Angus always started the day tired, because he was up at the crack of dawn—or earlier in the winter—to help his dad milk the cows.
Then, most afternoons, he’d go straight back to the farm to do it all again.
Thursdays were the exception, because we always had a Barbell Society social.
It’s weird that Angus, who grew up on a farm, can’t wait to get away from that life, whereas Flynn, who’s a certified city boy, wants to embrace it to the full.
“Yes, but I don’t mind. I enjoy it.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I get to see the sunrise every morning. It’s amazing.”
“Uh, rather you than me. I like my beauty sleep.”
“You don’t need beauty sleep,” he mumbles so quietly I might have imagined it. He checks his phone. “You still have time to find a real hook-up for that stress relief you wanted.”
I do, but I still haven’t made up for my shitty revelation from earlier. Not that I know how to.
“I’m glad you’re moving on.”
He chuckles. “I’m not sure seeking out sex amounts to moving on, but yeah, it’s a step in the right direction. It’s been a while.”
Six weeks, assuming he counts our drunken tryst, which, to be honest, I wouldn’t.
From what little I remember, it was fast and crap.
Not his fault. Or mine. Billy’s assertion that Flynn wasn’t ‘that good in bed’ pops into my mind, because of course it does.
Is it wrong that I want to prove my twin wrong?
All the feelings I’ve ever had for Flynn are swirling inside me.
He’s even more gorgeous than I remember, and he’s at least a little into me.
He wanted to have sex with me on the strength of the photo of my chest!
I can understand why, drunk, with our inhibitions out the window, we fell into each other’s arms and fucked.
And then he went and suggested we should fuck tonight.
I’m pretty sure he said it because he was upset and hurt over my thoughtless comment, but would revenge sex be so bad?
As long as we acknowledge that’s what it is.
As long as we’re aware we’re using each other? It could be hot.
“You’ve got time to find another hook-up, too,” I say.
“Yeah, maybe. It would have to be someone with a room.”
“You don’t fancy inviting anyone back to the farm?”
He looks like he wants the ground to swallow him up. He covers his bright red face with his hands. “No. That would be mortifying.”
“Says the guy who lived with my parents his whole married life.” I meant it as a joke, but I’m pretty sure it fell flat.
Billy and Flynn went to local universities—not the same one—whereas I couldn’t wait to get away.
He parts his fingers wide enough to peer at me. “We were quiet,” he squeaks.
“Yeah, but I bet everyone knew what you were up to.”
“Even if they did, that’s different.”
“How?”
“Tony isn’t family. He’s my boss.”
He’s got me there. And, yes, Flynn was family, even before he and Billy got together.
My parents pretty much adopted him after his parents kicked him out for being gay.
His grandma was the only one who stood by him.
He lived with her, but he spent so much time at ours, you’d never know it.
I lost count of the time the three of us fell asleep in the room Billy and I shared.
My parents fed him, washed his clothes, and even tried to give him pocket money so he could do the same things Billy and I could.
In return, Flynn helped out as much as he could around the house, which meant Billy and I got to slack off on chores, something I’m not proud of now.
Then Billy and Flynn got together, and they both lost me.
When they divorced, Flynn lost his husband, his home, and his surrogate family. I’m glad his grandma was able to take him in.
Flynn lowers his hands. His face is still red, though his skin isn’t glowing or radiating heat anymore. “I would never take a hook-up to the farm.”
“You need a hook-up to take somewhere first.” I reach over and tap his phone.
“Why are you so keen for me to find someone to fuck?”
“It’s the best form of stress relief. And, no offence, but you seem wound kinda tight at the moment.” Why do I keep opening my mouth and putting my foot in it? I am the biggest jerk alive.
“Yeah, well, a guy I thought hated me just did the sweetest thing.”
“Making you warm milk is sweet?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t hate you, Flynn.”
“Then why did you act like you did for so long?”
“I told you. I was jealous. It wasn't my finest moment.”
“Moment?”
I chuckle. “All right, not my finest six years. I’m sorry, okay?”
He smiles. “Okay.”
I tap his phone again. “So, are you going to have fun tonight, or not?”
He sighs. “I think this is the universe’s way of telling me that I’m not ready to put myself out there, yet.”
“That’s true.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” He puts his phone into his pocket. “I should go.”
I should let him go.
“Thanks for the chat and the warm milk.”
“Any time.”
“Good luck with the rest of your finals.”
“Thanks. I’ll be glad when they’re over.” Except then I'll have to start making decisions about my future.
He makes eye contact with me and smiles, and the air rushes out of my lungs. I want to kiss him. I won’t, but I want to.
“I know that feeling. They’ll be over before you know it.”
“And then there’s the wait for results.”
“You’ll do great.”
“I’m not sure about that. I’ve been a bit of a slacker when it comes to studying.”
“Need help revising?”
“I’m pretty sure our degree subjects aren’t similar.”
Flynn did Farm Management. I’m doing Sport and Exercise Sciences.
He laughs. “Yes, but I can read questions on a flash card, if you’ve made some.”
“I have. They’re in my room.” I shake my head. “But my revision woes aren’t your problem.”
“And you want to get laid?”
“Stress relief,” I mumble.
“It’s as important as revision.”
“Right?” He gets me. I want to pull him into my arms and kiss him.
“Well, if you do want help revising. Call me.” He slips off the stool and heads out the door, while I stand staring at him.
The front door opens and closes a few seconds later. He’s gone. I let him leave.
I pinch my eyes shut. Fuck. I didn’t ask for his number. And he doesn’t have mine. But I can find his profile on the hook-up app.