Chapter 40
40
KAISEN
I adjusted my grip on the club as I lined up my shot. The others were scattered across the course—Cullen muttering something about his swing, Liam laughing at Marcus’s terrible joke. But I wasn’t really there. Not fully.
I swung, the club slicing through the air, but the ball veered off course, landing somewhere in the rough. Cullen let out a low whistle.
“What’s going on with you today, man?” he asked, stepping up to the tee. “You’re usually better than this.”
I shrugged, forcing a smile. “Just off my game, I guess.”
My mind kept drifting back to last night—to her. The way she’d looked at me when I gave her the earrings, the way she’d smiled even as her eyes searched mine for answers I couldn’t give. I hated that I pulled away, but something had shifted in that moment, something I couldn’t quite put into words.
I followed the guys around the course, counting down the holes. I wanted to go home.
“Earth to Kaisen,” Marcus called, snapping me out of my thoughts. “You planning to take this shot or just stare at the ball all day?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered.
I finally finished my round of golf with the guys. I may as well have been sleepwalking through it. I hadn’t slept at all last night. I let my dad get in my head. That stupid little sketch Dorie had drawn—the one of us, with Rick in the middle—had hit me harder than I expected. It was so simple, so her , and it made me realize how serious this was. How serious I was. I’d marry her. Honestly, I would. But then my dad’s voice would creep back in, his warnings echoing in my head, and it felt like I was free-falling.
“Want to get lunch?” Cullen asked.
“No, thanks. I need to go home and make sure Dorie got the cakes.”
“Yeah, I heard about the oven,” Cullen said. “Eliza was having a freak out. Dorie promised her it was all okay.”
“I think it is,” I said. “She said we got them all baked and now it’s just icing or decorating or whatever the hell you call it.”
“Cool. Thanks for stepping up.”
“No worries. Part of my duties.”
“Hey, let’s go out for drinks,” Marcus said.
“I’ll see you guys later,” I said.
When I got home, I opened the fridge to grab a drink. I noticed Toby had forgotten to grab the icing for the groom’s cake from the fridge when he had picked up the cakes. She needed the icing. I had played around with the cake, but I knew she was going to make it right. Which meant she would need the icing.
I grabbed the bowl and headed out to my car.
As I pulled up to the bakery, something hit me like a punch to the gut. It was like a sudden realization just whacked me upside the head. It was a physical reaction.
Dorie would be the loser in this situation. Not me. Her . She’d be the one making sacrifices—putting up with my late nights at work, dealing with the public scrutiny that came with being with me, living a life that wasn’t entirely her own. And what if I turned out to be exactly like my dad? What if I hurt her, broke her heart, and left her wondering why she ever trusted me in the first place?
I was me. I had the reputation she would pay for. People would question her and why she was with me. They’d call her all kinds of names. They’d insinuate things I couldn’t begin to guess. She wasn’t from my world. She didn’t have thick skin. I saw what happened with a few mouthy bridesmaids. Dorie was a good person that preferred to fade into the woodwork rather than cause any drama. She wouldn’t defend herself. She would prefer to let people say what they wanted than defend herself.
I couldn’t do it. The realization wrecked me, but I knew it was true. I couldn’t put her through that. I couldn’t risk her losing all the things I loved about her. She would have to crawl into herself. Her light would be dimmed by vultures hoping to pick her apart.
I walked into the bakery. Toby was busy with a customer. He jerked his head, telling me to go ahead into the kitchen. Dorie was in the middle of cutting Eliza’s cakes to size. She looked up and smiled.
“Hey!” she said, setting down her knife and wiping her hands on her apron. “What are you doing here? I thought you had golf.”
I held up the container of icing, forcing a smile. “Toby forgot this. Thought I’d drop it off.”
She grinned, taking the container from me. “You’re a lifesaver. I didn’t even realize it was missing. I’m still trying to work on Eliza’s cake.”
“Yeah. No problem.”
She set the icing on the counter and turned back to me, her smile fading as she took in my expression. “Hey, are you okay? You look off.”
I swallowed hard, my heart pounding in my chest. “Dorie, we need to talk.”
I saw the look on her face. She knew what was coming. “Okay, that doesn’t sound good. What’s going on?”
I took a deep breath, trying to find the right words to say what needed to be said. “This… us… it’s not going to work.”
She took a step back like I’d slapped her. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s not you,” I said quickly. “It’s me. I’m not in the position to be the kind of man you need. I’m not… I’m not good for you, Dorie. This thing is never going to work.”
She stared at me, her expression a mix of confusion and hurt. “Kaisen, what are you talking about? You’re not making any sense.”
“I’m saying I can’t do this. I can’t be what you deserve. You deserve someone who can give you everything, and I… I can’t. I wish I was, but I’m just not that guy. I’m not a good man.”
Her eyes narrowed. I could see the anger starting to build. “So, what? You’re just going to walk away? After everything?”
“It’s not that simple,” I said. “You don’t understand what it’s like, Dorie. Being with me… it’s not just fun and games. It’s a life under a microscope. It’s sacrifices and compromises and… and I can’t ask you to do that.”
She shook her head, her hands balling into fists at her sides. “You’re not asking me to do anything, Kaisen. I’m choosing this. I’m choosing you . Or at least, I thought I was.”
I felt like I was being torn in two. “You don’t know what you’re getting into. And I can’t… I can’t risk hurting you.”
She let out a bitter laugh, her eyes flashing with hurt and anger. “Oh, so this is about you protecting me now? That’s rich. What about the brokerage firm, huh? Was that you protecting me too?”
I froze, my stomach sinking. “What about the brokerage firm?”
“You know what I’m talking about,” she said, her voice sharp. “The one that’s been harassing me for months. The one you conveniently own. Was that part of your grand plan to protect me?”
I shook my head. “I handled that, Dorie. They won’t be bothering you anymore. I made sure of it.”
She stared at me, her expression unreadable. “Just like that?”
“Just like that,” I said. “I didn’t know about it before, but as soon as I found out, I took care of it. I would never let anyone hurt you, Dorie.”
She looked away, her jaw clenched. “Then why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away?”
I didn’t have an answer. At least, not one that would make sense to her. How could I explain that I was terrified of becoming my father? That I was scared I would hurt her the way he hurt my mom? That I couldn’t bear the thought of her sacrificing her life for mine?
“I’m messed up, Dorie,” I said finally. “And I’m doing you a favor. You deserve more than me. You deserve someone who can give you everything without asking you to give up anything in return.”
She looked at me, her eyes filled with tears. It took everything in me not to reach for her. “So, that’s it? You’re just going to walk away? After everything we’ve been through?”
I nodded, my throat so tight I could barely speak. “Yeah. That’s it. It has to be.”
She shook her head, her voice trembling. “Did you ever see me as anything more than just fun for now? Something to pass the time while you were stuck here in Cape May. You were away from your usual parade of women in the city and thought you’d look for someone to screw while you’re here.”
The question hit me like a punch to the gut. “No,” I said quickly. “That’s not what this was. Not even close.”
“Then what was it, Kaisen?” she demanded, her voice rising. “Because from where I’m standing, it feels like you’re just running away. Like you used me. You’re going back to the city and I’m forgettable.”
I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, that I’d never felt this way about anyone before, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But the words stuck in my throat, too painful to say out loud.
“I’m doing this for you,” I said finally, my voice barely above a whisper. “You deserve more than me, Dorie. And I can’t give you that.”
She stared at me for a long moment, her eyes searching mine. Then she nodded, her expression hardening. “Fine. If that’s how you feel, then go. But don’t expect me to thank you for it.”
She was wearing the earrings, which hurt my heart, but I didn’t bring them up. They were meant for her, and I wanted her to keep them. That hadn’t changed.
“Goodbye, Dorie.”
I turned and walked out of the bakery, my chest aching like I’d left a piece of myself behind. I got into my car and sat there for several seconds. I felt like I was leaving my life behind at that bakery, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t hurt her. It would kill me to know she suffered because of me.
I drove away but didn’t make it very far before I had to pull over to the side of the road, my vision blurring with tears. I felt like I was drowning, old feelings and fears clogging my senses and emotions. I didn’t know how to move forward from this, but I knew I had to. For her. For me. For both of us.
But it didn’t make it hurt any less.
I never cried. I wasn’t an emotional man, but this hurt. I could feel my heart physically breaking.