Chapter 44
44
KAISEN
I grabbed another glass of scotch from the bar and slipped out of the reception, the cool air hitting me like a slap in the face. The music and laughter faded behind me as I made my way down to the beach. The sound of the ocean did little to drown out the revelry behind me. I needed space. I needed to breathe.
I hated feeling like this. I couldn’t even describe what this was. I felt twisted. Like my insides had been rearranged and put back in the wrong place. I had woken up every day for the last thirty-four years and had known I was Kaisen Seely. The last couple days, I didn’t feel like that guy. I didn’t know who I was.
I took a sip of the scotch, the burn in my throat doing little to dull the ache in my chest. I’d seen Dorie dancing with that guy—Matt, I thought his name was—and she’d looked happy. Genuinely happy. And as much as I wanted to be the one making her smile like that, I knew I didn’t deserve it. Not after what I’d done. I’d been around Matt a few times before. He was a good dude. The kind of man that would make her happy.
I sat down in the sand. I didn’t care that I was wearing a tuxedo. The wedding was over, and the alcohol was flowing. No one was going to give a shit if I had sand on my ass. I stared out at the ocean, my mind racing. I’d really messed things up with her. I’d pushed her away, convinced myself it was the right thing to do, but now… now I wasn’t so sure. I didn’t know where to even begin to fix this, or if it was even possible.
I was lost in thought when Cullen sat down beside me.
“Hey,” he said, his voice quiet. “You okay?”
I shrugged, taking another sip of the scotch. “Yeah. Just needed some air.”
Cullen nodded, his eyes scanning the horizon. “Thanks for everything, man. Seriously. This wedding wouldn’t have happened without you.”
I forced a smile, though it felt hollow. “You’re welcome. I’m just glad it all came together.”
“Eliza’s thrilled,” he said. “I think the wedding more than came together. She thinks it’s perfect.”
“It was a nice ceremony,” I said. “And Eliza looked beautiful. You’re a lucky man.”
He laughed. It was the sound of a man that didn’t have a care in the world. A man that was staring down his happily ever after with the perfect woman for him.
Cullen chuckled again, shaking his head. “You know what the best part of the whole day was?” he asked, leaning back on his hands in the sand. “When the flower girl stopped halfway down the aisle, looked right at me, and started picking her nose like it was her full-time job.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I saw that. She was really committed to it. Like she was mining for gold.”
“I told Eliza, and she was mortified,” Cullen said, grinning. “Her mother tried to signal Lulu’s mom to do something, but by the time anyone noticed, Lulu had already wiped it on her dress and kept going like nothing happened. Kid didn’t miss a beat.”
“Kids don’t care about weddings or decorum or any of that,” I said. “They just do what they want. It’s kind of refreshing. A little humor.”
We both fell into comfortable silence once again.
“What are you doing out here?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you be dancing with your wife?”
“I did. And I will. She’s my wife. We’re going to have the rest of our lives to hang out. I can take ten minutes to hang out with my best friend.”
“I think your new bride might beg to differ.”
“Did you see that cake?” he asked.
“Of course, I did.”
“That thing… shit, I don’t even know what to say about it. Did you actually help make it?”
I smiled at the memory of me helping . “I was on hand to fuck things up as much as possible for her. My contribution was sifting . Do you know what sifting is?”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“Dorie said it makes a big difference in the cake texture.”
“Huh, had no idea. Did you taste it?”
“I did, you?”
“Uh, if you remember correctly, it was smashed in my face. There is enough cake to last the next five years.”
I smiled. “She said some people use cardboard for some of the layers, but she wanted it all cake. And did you know each layer is a different flavor?”
“I did not,” he said. “Seems like you know a lot about that cake.”
“I paid attention.”
“You guys spent a lot of time together,” he said casually.
“We did.”
“Did you buy her an Escalade?”
“Yep.”
“No shit? What was that about?”
“Her car was a piece of shit,” I answered. “I didn’t want her trying to get around in that thing. It was the weekend of the bachelor party, and I knew there was no way her car was going to make it there. She deserves it.”
“I agree.” He laughed. “But few people would run out and buy someone a new car. Not just any car.”
“I have the money,” I said nonchalantly.
Cullen raised an eyebrow, a smirk playing on his lips. “Yeah, but money isn’t the point, is it? You don’t just buy someone an Escalade because their car’s a piece of shit. Not unless it’s someone you care about. A lot.”
I clenched my jaw, staring at the waves crashing against the shore. “She’s important to me. That’s all.”
“That’s all?” Cullen repeated, his tone skeptical. “Come on, man. I’ve known you long enough to recognize when you’re bullshitting yourself. You don’t buy someone a goddamn Escalade and spend hours helping them bake a wedding cake if they’re just ‘important.’ You’re in love with her.”
I didn’t respond because I couldn’t. He was right, and I knew it. But admitting it out loud felt like tearing open a wound that hadn’t even begun to heal.
“Talk to her, Kaisen. Don’t let this slip away because you’re too stubborn or scared or whatever it is that’s holding you back.”
“It’s not that simple,” I muttered. “I messed up. Big time. And now she’s out there with Matt, looking happier than I’ve ever seen her. Maybe she’s better off without me.”
“You don’t know that,” Cullen said firmly.
He didn’t push it, and for a while, we sat in silence. I knew he was trying to steer me into the same kind of happiness he had found, but I didn’t think it was possible for me. We were two very different people. I had long ago accepted my fate. I was going to be a bachelor for the rest of my days.
I was cool with it. Not cool but resigned to my fate.
“I really do appreciate all you did for us,” Cullen said. “You really stepped up and made this wedding the dream we both had. I know it was a lot of time away from the business. Thank you. Sincerely. You’re the best friend a guy could have.”
I remembered my wedding gift. It seemed a little risky to put it on the gift table and I didn’t want to put it in the donation box. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the check I wrote that morning and handed it to him.
“What’s this?” he asked, his eyes widening as he looked at the amount. “Shit. What the hell?”
“A down payment,” I said calmly. “For that big house in Connecticut you and Eliza have been talking about. You know, the one with the yard for your future designer puppy and the three kids you’re going to have.”
Cullen stared at the check, his expression a mix of shock and gratitude. “Kaisen, this is… this is too much. I can’t accept this.”
“You can, and you will,” I said. “Consider it a wedding gift. You deserve it, Cullen. Both of you. I know you guys are ready to get out of the city. I’ll miss seeing you guys and hanging out, but it’s time for you guys to move on to the next step—suburbia.”
He hesitated, then nodded, folding the check and tucking it into his pocket. “Thank you. Seriously. You’re a good man, Kaisen. You deserve a lot more than you’re letting yourself have.”
“Just make sure you have a nice couch or maybe a guest room for me when I visit,” I joked.
Cullen laughed, clapping me on the shoulder. “You’ll always have a place with us, man. Anytime. Hell, you can even bring someone with you if you ever stop being an idiot and tell her how you feel.”
“Stop,” I groaned. “You’re not making this any easier. I’ve made my decision. It’s the right thing to do. Besides, I burned that bridge.”
“You still have a chance with Dorie, you know,” he said.
I shook my head. “I don’t have a chance. I hurt her, and she doesn’t deserve that. She doesn’t deserve it now, or twenty years from now when I inevitably break her heart. I’m ending this before either of us get in too deep. I’m stopping the disaster. I’m learning from my father’s mistakes.”
“You’re not like him. Not at all.”
I froze, my jaw clenching. “My dad? I’m his son through and through?—”
“You were your mom’s son, man,” Cullen interrupted. “You were like her, and she’d be livid if she was here and knew you were giving up on something so important to you.”
I turned away from Cullen, my throat suddenly constricting. The mention of my mother always hit me like a punch to the gut. She’d been gone for years, but her absence still felt fresh, like a wound that refused to scab over.
“Don’t bring her into this,” I said.
“Why not?” Cullen shot back. “She was the one who taught you how to love—really love. You think she’d want you sitting here, wallowing in self-pity and pushing people away because you’re scared? No way, man. She’d tell you to stop being a coward and fight for what you want.”
My mother had been the kind of person who believed in second chances, in forgiveness, in the power of love and all that shit. I remembered her always reading romance novels and crying at rom-coms. I didn’t know how she could still believe in all that when my father, her husband, was destroying her. He was the farthest thing from a romantic. He never gave her that happy ending I knew she longed for.
I opened my mouth to argue, but before I could say anything, someone cleared their throat behind us. I turned, my heart skipping a beat when I saw Dorie standing there, her dress billowing in the breeze. She looked nervous, her hands clasped in front of her, her eyes searching mine.
“Uh, do you have a minute?” Dorie asked.
Cullen grinned and squeezed my arm before standing up. “I’ll leave you two to talk. Make good choices.”
He walked away, leaving me alone with Dorie. My heart was pounding in my chest as I stood, brushing the sand off my pants. For a moment, I considered telling her no, that we couldn’t talk, that it was better if we just let this go. But the look in her eyes stopped me.
I hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”