Chapter 13
Kelsie
It’s been a few days since the truce in the attic between Hayes and me.
It’s had me thinking a lot about where things stand and how something has shifted between us. A weight that’s been lifted. Not only the sexual tension that was so heavy—although for me, that hasn’t dissipated in the least—but I’ve also felt the resentment I’d been holding disappear.
I’ll begrudgingly admit that Lucy and Grace were right. If you learn to let go and to forgive someone, it can make a huge difference in how you feel.
In fact, I’m feeling so good after finishing the painting I’ve been working on, I asked Grace to come shopping with me. A new boutique opened up before the holidays that I’ve been dying to check out. Plus, I have a date scheduled this weekend with Ben, and I want to buy some sexy new underwear.
Okay, fine. It may not be Ben I want to impress with new panties. In fact, Ben and I haven’t even gotten naked together yet. He’s not seen any of my panty collection.
We’ve gone out twice now and although we’ve messed around, I always find an excuse not to go all the way with him. I don’t know what’s holding me back. I love sex and enjoy doing all the naughty things with a guy.
Ben is hot and a very good kisser. He has long fingers and a very nice tongue that have certainly done the trick of getting me off.
The hesitation seems to be that I don’t have the chemistry with Ben that I do with Hayes.
Ben is not Hayes.
And it’s messing with my head; not to mention my body.
That day Hayes and I fucked each other’s brains out and then I left him for my date with Ben, my emotions were all over the friggin’ place. I felt guilty because poor Ben was so sweet and thoughtful, and yet I wasn’t really present with him and my head and heart weren’t in it.
I left both back in my bedroom along with the memory of Hayes driving into me so fiercely I nearly blacked out from that amazing orgasm he gave me.
Maybe finding some new lingerie will get me in the mood for my upcoming date with Ben.
I pull into the driveway at the football house and Grace, already waiting for me on the front stoop, comes skipping down the front path. When she opens the door and slides into the passenger seat, she gives me one look and gasps in horror.
“Girl, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you okay?”
I furrow my brows. “What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong.”
She giggles and adjusts the rearview mirror down and motions for me to look at myself. I inhale sharply at the sight staring back at me.
“Holy shit! I’m a mess,” I yelp, rubbing at all the paint smudges across my forehead and bridge of my nose. I left in a hurry after a quick painting session in the attic and didn’t even bother to check myself in the mirror. I hurriedly changed into other clothes and ran out of the house to my car.
Grace pulls out a face wipe from her purse and hands it to me, and I swipe away the remnants of my artwork.
“Thanks,” I say appreciatively, putting the car in reverse and backing out into the street. “I guess I’ve been a little distracted lately.”
I’m not sure why I haven’t said anything yet, but I haven’t told Grace or Lucy about the hate-fucking I had with Hayes. Partially because they will both make a huge deal out of it and tell me that it means something is still there between us. All I want to do is move forward and forget about it.
That’s hard to do when he is everywhere I am these days.
The other reason I haven’t spilled the tea to my friends is because once I do, I know they’ll dig and dig and dig until they uncover the real story.
Goddammit. I still love him.
And I hate myself for it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Grace asks hesitantly, looking worried I might bite her head off. “Is it Hayes? Or Ben? Or something with your family?”
Yes. Yes. And all of the fucking above, yes.
I shake my head, but keep my eyes on the road as we head into town, leaving the quiet campus behind.
As if I’m a pot of water that’s just reached its boiling point, I blurt out everything to my best friend. Well, almost everything.
“I fucked Hayes.”
“You what?” she screeches, jolting upright in her seat and swiveling around to face me, grasping my thigh in her grip. “Oh, my God. Lucy totally called it! She just knew you would end up sleeping with him by the end of the semester.”
I growl petulantly. “Argh! It’s the last thing I wanted to do. I still hate him.”
She clicks her tongue. “So you say…but your actions tell a completely different story.”
I flip her off with my right hand and she giggles. I grip the steering wheel and curl my fingers around the leather so tight my knuckles turn white.
“Okay, fine. Maybe hate is a strong word, but I do hate myself for doing it. Especially when I’m seeing Ben.”
“Ahh,” she whispers introspectively. “Are you sleeping with both of them?”
I snort at the question. “No. And, technically, I’m not sleeping with Hayes either. It was a one-time thing and won’t happen again. And Ben and I haven’t had sex yet.”
“Hmm…that’s interesting.”
I turn my head and give her a piercing look before returning my gaze to the road.
“What?” I snap sharply. “Spit it out, girly. Why is that so interesting?”
She’s quiet for a moment, turning her attention out her window and without her having to say it, I already know what she’s thinking.
If it weren’t for Hayes and my messed-up romantic involvement with him, I probably would’ve already hooked up with Ben before now. I’m not shy about sleeping with guys. I like to have fun and enjoy the mutual and consensual satisfaction I get when I’m with someone I’m attracted to. I mean, case in point, I did sleep with Hayes the first night I met him in Paris.
“It seems to me that something—or someone—is holding you back from doing the deed with Ben.”
I scoff like she’s off her rocker even though I know she hit the nail on the head.
“Whatevs. Thanks for the talk, Dr. Ruth.”
Grace pinches her lips together and her dark brows furrow. “Who’s Dr. Ruth?”
I chuckle as I pull into a parking spot. The boutique is next to a flower shop, a bakery, and the best pizza shop in town called Bear-i-Cade Pizza. People in this town sure do like to use corny play on words with the CFU Bears team mascot.
As we open the door to the shop, we get a whiff of the delicious smelling pizza sauce from next door and my stomach grumbles.
“Let’s pick up some pizza to bring back with us for dinner, okay?”
“Sounds good to me,” Grace agrees. “You know I never say no to pizza.”
She lets out a low whistle as she steps in behind me and sees the gorgeous clothes displayed on the racks in the store. “Wow. This stuff is beautiful.”
I scan the shop, noticing what Grace does as I head straight back into the lingerie section.
“Welcome,” a young woman greets. “Are you looking for something in particular?”
I smile and point to the drawers that are half-opened, displaying the mounds of undies and bra sets.
When all is said and done, I’ve purchased over $150 in new underwear and a brand new off-the-shoulder cream sweater that Grace said made me look angelic.
Which is ironic because I’m hoping to be anything but angelic when I wear it for Hayes.
I mean Ben.
Don’t I?
Fuck.
I’m so confused.