Chapter 14
Hayes
“Come on, man. Just come over,” Hendy urges, his unshaven face peering at me through the video chat. I’ve been working for hours trying to finish a paper tonight and when his text messages were left unanswered, he decided to video call me. Apparently, not texting and responding to the great and powerful Joel Henderson equates to you being dead in a ditch somewhere. Who knew?
I groan and push back my desk chair in my room, the noise making a scraping sound as I stand. “Fine.”
“Hells yeah! The game we’re playing is fucking fire!” Killer yells from the background, then appears from around Hendy’s back to wave, holding the controller in his hand, before turning his attention back to the entertainment happening on the TV screen.
Then I see Killer glance down, presumably reading a text, and announces with a grin. “Pizza’s on the way.”
Food. Yeah, I could be down with that.
“On my way too,” I call out before hitting end on our video chat.
I leave my laptop and books scattered out on my desk and grab a jacket from my chair, walking at a fast-paced clip toward the football house.
When I enter their always chaotic residence, I find six of my teammates gathered in the living room making the noises you’d expect to hear from a bunch of dudes. Some you’d never want to hear in polite company.
Are they like this when the girls are around?
“Grab a chair from the kitchen,” Hendy says, his eyes staying glued to the game that’s clearly all combat and motions toward the kitchen.
“Guy coming at you from the northwest,” Killer yells out to someone through a headset that looks to be way too small for his melon.
“Got ‘em,” EJ replies from a speaker sitting on the table.
“Watch your six.”
“Where’s EJ?” I ask, glancing around the room, confused why Emmett is on the phone and not down here playing with the rest.
Hendy uses a single finger to point up to the ceiling. “We only have two person on this one, so sometimes we split up and half of us play from here and half up in EJ’s room,” he explains.
“Oh. Makes sense.” I’ve played some video games, but honestly most of my youth was spent out on a soccer field and not in front of a TV. It didn’t leave a lot of time for anything else. Perhaps if I’d played more video games as a kid, I’d have the same interest as my friends and could bond more with everyone else.
I grab a chair and carry it back to the front room, taking a seat to watch the action and the expressions on the players’ faces. Killer is definitely the most animated. And loud.
As if hearing my thoughts, Killer leans down to a cooler next to his feet and, without missing a beat, tosses me a beer.
“Catch up.”
“Thanks,” I say with no argument and crack it open. It’s been a long week and I need to let loose a little tonight.
“Pizza’s here!” a female voice calls out from the front door. I glance behind my shoulder and see Grace stepping inside carrying two large pizza boxes.
Kelsie walks in behind her.
Shit.
Grace doesn’t say anything as she enters, but she does smirk at me. Shit. I wonder what Kelsie told her. She sets down the pizza boxes on the coffee table.
“Get your fine ass over here, Soda Pop,” Killer calls out to her in the sweetest tone I’ve ever heard the big dude use.
Grace smiles at her boyfriend and walks over to his open arms. Killer pulls her down into his lap with one hand and then circles it around her middle, all the while keeping his controller moving. Now that’s talent. No wonder he’s the leading tight end on the team last year.
“What’d you two do this afternoon?” he asks and then sniffs her. “You smell good. Is that new perfume?”
She giggles. “Yep. Kelsie and I went shopping at this new boutique on Main Street. I got perfume and she bought new lingerie.”
My chest restricts and my stomach tightens into knots. Kelsie went lingerie shopping? My head snaps up and I steal a glance over at Kelsie, whose eyes quickly dart away when she catches my gaze on her.
Grace changes the subject. “You guys are still playing?”
“Fuck yeah. This game is awesome. Did you try it yet?”
“No. I had to finish a project last night,” she explains. “Can I get next up? I’m gonna eat first.”
“You bet, baby.” Killer leans his chin on her shoulder and presses a kiss to her cheek. I don’t normally get jealous when I see PDA from others, but right now a pang of envy stabs at my chest. I want that.
Does Kelsie feel it too? The longing and desire to go back to the way things were? God, I wish things had been different.
“Come sit down, Kels,” Hendy says, patting the space between his legs. “I got a spot for you right here.”
Red hot rage flashes in my veins. Oh, hell no.
I jump from my chair and motion toward mine with an outstretched hand.
“Here, you can have my seat, Kels. I’ll get another one,” I offer and hurry into the kitchen to grab another chair. When I come back in, Hendy raises a suspicious brow at me, but doesn’t say anything.
I take a seat next to Kelsie and reach over her lap to grab a slice of pepperoni pizza from the box on the table. Without a second thought to what I’m doing, I hand her a piece before I grab another for myself.
“Thanks,” she says appreciatively.
When I sit back down, my knee bumps against her thigh. Neither of us moves and I leave it to rest there.
Then we sit, side by side, eating our pizza and watching the game in a companionable silence, every once in a while joining in on the chorus of cheering for our friends when needed.
But, really, most of my attention is on the spot where her leg touches mine, where the heat of her penetrates through my jeans and pierces my skin.
What I wouldn’t give to have her alone, to rip off her jeans and have my wicked way with her.
But that’s only a dream.
I wake from my late afternoon nap with a start.
Sweat drips down my forehead in long, slick streaks. My heart races like I’ve just run out of oxygen after a marathon.
The nightmare I woke from isn’t the one I normally have about the accident. This one is something new. It’s about the night I left Paris.
I glance at my phone and realize I almost overslept. I have a telehealth video chat with my therapist in five minutes.
I roll out of bed and walk into the bathroom, using a washcloth to clean myself up before I throw on a pair of sweatpants and a CFU t-shirt. I shut my door and open the video app for my call.
“Hello, Hayes,” Dr. Thompson says. ”Is now still a good time for us to chat?”
“Hey, Dr. T,” I reply and nod my head to proceed. “Yes, absolutely.”
My parents made me start seeing Dr. Thompson after the accident. Both Holden and I were speaking with him separately and he prescribed both me and my brother anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds. Although I shouldn’t have, I weaned myself off them when I was in Paris, but I wonder if I shouldn’t be back on them.
“How are you doing this week?” he asks and it’s a motherfucking loaded question.
I grimace. “I…may have had a slight panic attack recently.”
“Oh, I see. Tell me what happened,” he urges with an expression of concern, taking down some notes on his pad of paper.
I relay the story from the incident with Kelsie in the car. He’s quiet as he listens closely, never interrupting me as I speak. When I finish the story, he leans forward in his chair and clasps his hands together in a prayer-like position in front of the screen.
“Well, it sounds like your friend really helped you out. Did you explain why you had the panic attack and what triggered you?” he asks in a non-judgmental tone.
I shrug. “I mean, I said I was in an accident…”
He gives me a pointed look. “Listen, Hayes. I know these things are very hard to talk about with me, much less anyone else. But it helps to be open about your feelings with the people you care about. Why do you think you haven’t shared more with her?”
I groan and run a hand over my face. The stiff scrape of my jawline reminds me I need to shave. “Funny story, but she’s the woman I was with and then left in Paris,” I admit, knowing he is already well aware of Kelsie. He just doesn’t know we’re now at the same school.
He smiles sadly.
“I see. That makes things a bit uncomfortable?”
I give a short laugh. “You could say that.”
Dr. T tilts his head to the side. “So things are not good between you two?”
“Not at first, no. She was pretty mad at me,” I say and he nods at the camera. “But I think we’ve come to a truce in order to get along.”
He adjusts his glasses on his nose. “Hmm…she has a right to her feelings and to be mad at you for doing what you did. In her perspective, she might think you did it on purpose because of something she did or didn’t do. Perhaps, it’s time you explain your sudden departure from Paris. That might help resolve things and reestablish your friendship.”
I sigh. Dr. T makes it sound so easy. Just apologize. Just explain. Just get it all out in the open.
But in reality… it bites.
We spend the next forty-five minutes talking about my classes and how things are going with my brother. It’s not life-altering conversation, but it’s just nice to talk to someone, even if my parents are paying him to listen.
Once my time is up and we schedule for our next call, I decide to go downstairs and grab some dinner in the kitchen. I open my door and Kelsie nearly falls into my arms.
I reach out, grabbing her shoulders to steady her on her feet.
“Whoa there,” I say as I make sure she’s stable before releasing her. “What are you doing up here?”
She blushes and looks down at my feet. “I…was…shit, I was going to go up to the attic, walked by your door, heard what you said and I stopped and…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have eavesdropped. That was a private conversation,” she says, the words tumbling from her mouth rapid fire as she looks everywhere but at my face.
“How long have you been listening?” I pluck her chin in my thumb and forefinger and drag her eyes to meet mine.
“A while,” she confesses, her face turning a darker shade of pink.
Surprisingly, I’m not upset by this. Maybe it’s the opening I’ve needed all along to finally bring everything to light with Kelsie. I drop my hand to hers and tug her behind me.
“Come on. I’m making us grilled cheese sandwiches and we are going to have this long-awaited talk.”
She follows me down the stairs and I usher her into the kitchen where she takes a seat at the table and I pull out all the fixings to make us sandwiches. With my back turned to her, I feel a little less anxious. I can do this, I think to myself.
God, I hope I can do this. I hope I don’t scare her away.
“A little over three years ago, my brother, Holden, our best friend, Kevin, and I were at a party. We hadn’t had much to drink, and I wanted to leave. Since Kevin drank the least amount of beer, he said he’d drive. Not exactly the best way to assign a DD, but it is what it is. We all got in the car. I called shotgun and Holden got in the back behind Kevin. We were on the back roads not far from our home when Kevin lost control of the car and overcorrected. The car spun out and flipped into a ditch and flew right into a tree.” I pause and glance over to gauge her expression.
She takes a sharp inhale of breath and her eyes grow wide in alarm. I turn back to the pan and flip the bread, taking a deep breath myself before continuing.
“Kevin died on impact…” I choke out the words. “He hadn’t worn his seatbelt and was ejected through the front windshield. Holden got the brunt of the injuries because it was the driver’s side that hit the tree.”
I stop and take another breath, closing my eyes to shut out the images. It doesn’t work. I can still see the scene of the accident. The front of the car busted and mangled, smoke pouring from the engine. Glass everywhere. Kevin lying face down in the ditch.
Kelsie remains quiet for a moment and then murmurs. “Oh, shit. Hayes, I’m so sorry.”
I continue. “Even though it was three years ago, sometimes the memory is so fresh it feels like just yesterday. It changed our lives irrevocably. Holden deals with it sometimes worse than me. And the night I left you in Paris…” I drop my head and the threat of tears is real. I swipe the back of my hand over my eyelids, spatula still in my fist.
“I was so fucking worried about Holden. He was on the brink of a major meltdown. In a depressive spiral. He gets so dark sometimes and it consumes him. I’d spoken with him on the phone to wish him a Merry Christmas and…I knew. I knew if I didn’t get home sooner than planned, he may have…Jesus, Kelsie. I didn’t even think. I just…I needed to get home to him.”
I turn off the stove burner and spin back around to face her, grasping the counter behind me for balance.
Kelsie is right there in front of me. She reaches up and cups my cheek. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” She pauses before continuing. “Of course, your brother needed you.”
“I’m so fucking sorry I left like that without an explanation. When I got home and spent time with him and he was fine, I…I didn’t know what to say to you. I was ashamed of my behavior and honestly thought I’d never see you again so it didn’t matter. I didn’t call and I didn’t reply. I guess I figured you’d said originally when we’d leave, we’d have a clean break,” I say before taking a deep breath.
“And then…there you were. Now that I’ve seen you again, I realize what a horrible mistake I made. I know I can’t change what I did, or didn’t do… but, fuck, I want nothing more than to make it up to you,” I add as I pull her against me. She doesn’t fight it and I notice tears in her eyes as she looks up at me.
“I was really hurt when you left. That’s why I acted like I did when we saw each other a few weeks ago. I wish I’d known what you were going through. I’m sorry I made that stupid three things rule in Paris. Shit, I’m sorry about a lot, Hayes,” she whispers.
Fuck. I hate myself right now. Guess I know what to talk to Dr. Thompson about next time.
“I know, mon amour. I’m so sorry too,” I apologize and frame her face in my hands, swiping a stray tear with my thumb.
“Please forgive me, Kelsie,” I plead and press a gentle kiss to her forehead. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her more tightly against me.
When she lifts her arms to hug me back, I feel hope for the first time in a long time.