Chapter Nine #2
I’m brought back to reality as his fingers on my breasts lightly pluck and pull, going from one to the other.
My eyes want to roll heavenward; it feels so good, but it quickly changes when my previous thoughts start to come true.
His fingers on his other hand move downward, dipping underneath my shorts enough to find the elastic of my underwear.
I want him to touch my pussy so badly it’s dizzying, but I can’t allow it.
Not until we talk first. His fingers slide under the elastic, and then I’m making myself jump away.
I leap off his lap, panting, hair and clothes askew as my body is on fire for him.
Everything inside of me screams at me to pull my shorts down and climb back onto his lap so I can finally have an orgasm on a big, fat cock, owned by the sexiest man I’ve ever dated before.
His eyebrows lift with surprise as he breathes heavily.
His shorts are tented, and as I briefly glance between his legs, I’m proven right.
He has a big dick. It’d have to be, to look like that in his shorts right now.
“You okay?” His shock turns to concern in an instant, and I know I have to put my big girl panties on and sit down to have an important discussion with him.
I nod, sitting back in my seat, taking a few deep breaths. “I-I’m flustered. Give me a sec.”
He nods. “I didn’t mean for us to get so carried away. It’s easy to lose myself when it comes to you, though. I just want to feel you everywhere.”
Ditto. Abso-fucking-lutely ditto.
I don’t say that, I nod instead. “I get it. Trust me, me too.”
“Then why did you stop? You felt amazing.”
I sigh. “You were, too. Feeling way too good, to the point I had to stop us.”
“You’re not a booty call. I meant what I said earlier, I don’t see you like that. Please don’t think I’m being disrespectful toward you in that sort of way. I promise I’m not.”
I nod. My shoulders drop as reality hits me square in the forehead. There’s a good chance he won’t want to be with me after we have this discussion. However, sexual health is too important a topic not to talk about it.
Tears instantly fill my eyes as I think of what I have to say. I never thought I’d have to have this talk with anyone else ever again. I was under the impression love was done for me, and I didn’t have to even think of the possibility.
“I believe you when you say your visit is not a booty call. And, if I’m being honest with myself, I like you too much to turn you away anyhow, at this point.
Before we move forward, though, I have to disclose my status.
This happened to me, and I wasn’t given any choice in the matter, and I refuse to be that person to someone else. ”
His brow furrows as he leans forward a bit more in his chair.
He reaches for my hand again, intertwining our fingers.
It only makes my eyes fill more, tears spilling over until more tears take their place.
Gah, why does this have to be difficult?
So soul-crushing and embarrassing all wrapped up into one?
I begin by drawing in a deep breath and then exhaling.
It doesn’t make it any easier, so I just start talking.
“I was a young woman, with someone kind of living with me. I thought I could trust them. I didn’t know it then, but he was cheating on me left and right.
” I exhale, trying to keep going without choking up.
“I know that now. One day, he’d shown up with a black eye, claiming it was a woman who gave it to him because she found out he was dating me and was jealous.” I swipe away some tears, quickly adding, “I apologize for the details, but they are important to my truth.”
He nods, his expression silently urging me to continue as he gives me his full attention.
“We were intimate together in the shower, with me facing away from him. He was quick and rough…Acting almost angry with me since I-I had wanted that sort of attention from him. Sexual.” I clarify, thrust back into that moment in time when I was confused but needed the attention.
I was so young and thought being sexually desirable would fill a hole inside of me, but in the end, it wasn’t what I needed at all.
With more tears falling, I continue, “I let it roll off of me, chalking it up to him having a shitty day seeing his ex. The very next day, I was unwell. Tired and feeling almost like I had a summer cold or something, I don’t know.
I also hurt so badly down there, like a fire was in my pants.
I remember he’d teased me at the time, telling me it was his size, which I knew was a blatant lie.
The second day, it was still very painful, so I went in to see my doctor, full of questions and embarrassment.
” Tears stream down my face, my throat growing tighter and tighter with the heaviness of how this has changed my life.
Forever.
Ruined it, in a sense.
I grab a tissue, dabbing at my face. I know I must look like a complete mess.
I clear my throat and attempt to continue, “I told my doctor what was going on, and she did a pap exam right then and there. She also ordered several tests and told me on the spot that I had HSV-2. When I got back home, my ex was already gone.”
His eyes are wide, stunned. His hands are curled into fists, his cheeks pink as he asks, “He was gone?”
I nod, swallowing with some relief that I admitted the words out loud.
I promised myself I’d never tell another soul, but JJ has changed my reality by coming into my life unexpectedly.
“He ghosted me every time I tried to contact him. It was in that moment that so many different realities started clicking into place. He got the black eye because another woman had found out she had it. I know it in my gut it’s what happened, and I wish I’d gotten my chance to give him one too. ”
I shake my head, chuckling to myself now at how fucked up the entire situation was back then.
It’s not funny, it’s fucking mortifying, but I have no choice but to laugh.
“He was angry, and he knew I would notice what was going on with him when I wanted to have sex, so he had me turn away from him in the shower. It was all done purposefully to me. It was knowingly given to me without offering me the choice to ever say no. I had consented to having safe sex with him, not in any other circumstance, and now I’m forced to live with this for the rest of my life.
” I’m sobbing at this point, but every single time I have to relive that moment, the devastation of it, I break down.
It has ruined my life in ways it never should have been ruined.
“HSV-2,” he says after a moment of stark silence.
I nod. “Herpes simplex virus type-2, which affects the genital area.” I’ve told myself that stating facts after I say my truth is the way to go, but this entire conversation makes me feel like I’m drowning, no matter how I say it.
He releases a deep breath and grabs my hand again, gently squeezing it.
“First off, I just want to say I’m sorry.
It hurts to hear you went through all of that, and to feel so alone…
I can only imagine how lonely you’ve felt.
What happened is completely unfair to you, and in a sense, to me, it’s a form of rape.
He knowingly did this to you without your consent. ”
“I had consented to sex. Essentially, I asked for it.” I whisper, feeling as if my chest has been broken wide open for him to see everything inside of me.
This is it, the possible deal breaker, and he can leave me broken and bleeding if he chooses to.
The reality of how much I’ve come to care for him already is terrifying.
But, is it truly a surprise? The man stepped in and possibly saved my life.
Of course, I’m going to be more open, vulnerable, and trusting with him quicker than I would with others.
He’s not a possible villain I have to watch out for; he’s a hero in this story.
I’m laid bare for him, and he’s the one with the ultimate choice in how this will go. However, he can never say I wasn’t real with him. That I didn’t let him see all of me.
My heartache.
My flaws.
My anger.
He nods, “I understand that, but it was under false pretenses. He knowingly misled you. I can’t believe the nerve of this guy. Jesus, Kinsley, I’m just sorry.”
His sweetness has me crying even harder. This is the most difficult conversation to have with someone you’re falling for, and he’s being calm and open about it, not telling me I’m gross or unworthy. Not that he needs to, I do it enough to myself.
“Thank you, I’m sorry I had to share this with you, and I promise you won’t get it from kissing me. It’s just down there, and that’s why I stopped you from touching me. I’m not having issues right now or anything, but you still deserve to know upfront. I refuse to take that choice from anyone.”
He leans in a bit more, brushing his lips against my forehead. “Can I hold you?”
God, is this guy real? I swear he’s making me think all the others I met before him were nothing but losers, and I know the sentiment is true.
They were, and he’s a one-in-a-million type of man.
I shake my head no, even though all I want is to be snuggled safely in his arms again.
This is too big; he needs time to seriously think this all through, if he’s even considering staying with me.
If not, well, touching me in any capacity when it’s the end is just too much.