Chapter 15 #2
It had been on the tip of her tongue to ask him if he needed permission to have lunch with his own wife, but she managed to keep quiet.
Now, as the twins sat in subdued silence waiting for him to return from the counter, she thought how unbearable this whole situation was and wondered if she was going to have the strength to see it through.
Clearly, Joel had no intention of coming home any time soon.
This thing with her, whatever it was, had to run its course, and it wasn’t over yet.
‘All done,’ he said, as he sat down at the table. He glanced round at them all, managing a smile of sorts. ‘So, how’s Kelsea Sands?’
To Jenna’s surprise the girls didn’t immediately burst into a long and detailed breakdown of everything that they’d done since they’d arrived in the village.
Nor did they go into raptures about Jamie Fraser and Ellen MacKenzie, or the ducks and hens, or ponies, or Mrs Beddows the cat.
They didn’t even tell him about Carne’s latest escapades.
Ada said cautiously, ‘It’s lovely. We have a smashing bedroom, and we can see the river really clearly, and Kels Point, too.’
‘Grandma and Mac let us collect the eggs,’ Hallie said politely.
‘Sounds, er, great.’ He nodded without much enthusiasm and silence returned.
Jenna frowned. What was wrong with the twins? It was usually difficult to keep them quiet and stop them bouncing around. She couldn’t remember ever seeing them like this.
The arrival of the food was welcome, and the girls seemed to come to life as they fell on their burgers, fries and milkshakes with glee. Jenna watched them with relief. This was more like it.
Joel ate his own burger in silence, while Jenna sipped her coffee and wondered how things between them all had deteriorated so badly in such a short space of time.
It was as if he was a stranger to his own children.
They’d greeted Niall and Kendra with more affection and enthusiasm when she’d dropped them off at the vicarage for their sleepover.
They’d reacted to Joel today as if he was some friend of hers who they’d never met before.
Joel startled her by suddenly leaning over and murmuring, ‘Good to see your mother’s done her work so thoroughly.’
‘What do you mean?’ she asked, noticing that his eyes were glinting with anger.
‘Come off it. Look at them! You can see she’s been telling them bad things about me by the way they’re acting. Does this seem normal to you?’
‘They haven’t seen you for over three weeks,’ she whispered crossly. ‘Don’t blame my mother for that!’
Joel pushed away his plate and wiped his fingers on the paper napkin. ‘Girls, I think it’s time we had a bit of a talk.’
The twins looked up, finally interested, while Jenna stared at Joel in apprehension. A bit of a talk about what, exactly?
‘This isn’t easy for me, and I’m sure it’s not going to be easy for you either, but I think it’s better to be honest with you both. You’re big girls now…’
They’re not even eight yet!
‘…and old enough to understand certain things.’ Joel smiled and nodded at them, while they stared back, clearly wondering what he was about to tell them.
‘The thing is…’ Joel looked over at Jenna, whose eyes widened.
‘Joel! You’re not – you can’t!’
‘The thing is, Mummy and I have decided to separate. Do you know what that means?’
Jenna fell back in her seat, completely dazed. How could he do that? How could he announce that to the twins when he hadn’t even discussed telling them with her? He had no right to do that!
She was vaguely aware of Hallie and Ada turning to look at her, but she was too shocked and upset to say anything just then.
The girls exchanged looks, then Hallie nodded. ‘It means you’re not going to live together any more.’
‘That’s right,’ Joel said approvingly.
‘You haven’t lived together for ages,’ Ada said. ‘So have you been separated all that time?’
Jenna pulled herself together and sat up straight. ‘It was… it was something we were thinking about,’ she managed. ‘Daddy moved out so we could see how we felt about it.’
‘So Daddy’s not going to come back home?’ Ada asked. ‘Ever?’
Jenna blinked away tears and gave Joel a pleading look.
Surely he could see what he was doing to this family?
To his family. He must realise what he was throwing away if he persisted in this manner, and for what?
Some woman who’d no doubt flattered him and chased him and whom he’d tire of within a few weeks like he always did.
It was one thing expecting her to forgive and forget, but what about the twins?
Would things ever be the same for them if their father moved out and then decided he’d changed his mind and moved back in?
Because he would. He always came to his senses in the end.
But how would they ever trust him again?
She didn’t trust him. How could she after everything he’d done?
But the girls… Little girls needed to trust their father.
He should be the one man they could always rely on.
Did he have any idea what he was doing to them?
Tears rolled down her cheeks and she wiped them away, desperate that they shouldn’t see how upset she was by the situation.
‘No,’ Joel said firmly. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m not still your daddy. You’ll still see me. Nothing much will change.’
‘No,’ Hallie said innocently. ‘I don’t suppose it will.’
‘So you’re all right with this?’
Ada bit her lip but nodded. ‘Will we see you on our birthday?’ she asked sadly.
Joel exchanged glances with Jenna, who waited for his reply. ‘We’ll have to see,’ he said at last. ‘It’s tricky, what with work…’
‘It’s a Saturday,’ Jenna reminded him. He wasn’t going to get away with making that excuse.
Hallie shrugged. ‘It’s okay. We don’t see you much on our birthdays anyway, do we?’
Joel stared at her through narrowed eyes, as if trying to work out if she was deliberately trying to annoy him or was just speaking her mind as usual.
He evidently decided not to take offence, as he smiled and said, ‘I’d love to be with you on your birthday, sweetheart, but you’re at Kelsea Sands, aren’t you? ’
‘You can come to Kelsea Sands,’ Ada told him earnestly. ‘It’s not that far away, is it, Mummy?’
It’s another bloody world.
‘I’m not sure Grandma would want me to visit,’ he said smoothly.
The twins looked puzzled and Jenna wasn’t having that. No way was he going to blame her mum because he couldn’t be bothered to drive out to the coast to see his own children on their birthday.
‘My mum would be happy to see you. We’re going to have a little birthday party for them and of course you’re invited. It starts at one.’
Joel managed to keep his face expressionless as he stared at her. ‘Well, that’s good then,’ he said at last. ‘Now girls, who’s for ice cream?’
As Jenna fastened the twins into their car seats a little later, she ruffled their hair and dropped kisses on the tops of their heads.
‘I love you,’ she told them fiercely, and they smiled back at her. Little angels who didn’t deserve the deal they’d been given.
She closed the car door and stepped back to where Joel was standing, ready to head back to work.
Turning her back to the car so the twins couldn’t see her face, she snapped at him, ‘How could you? We should have discussed this! You had no right to tell them we’d separated without talking it over with me first.’
‘They’re my kids, too!’
‘They’re our kids, Joel. Something as big as this – we should have decided between us how and when to tell them. The way you just dropped it on them, at a burger bar of all places!’
‘They had a right to know,’ he said sullenly.
‘Don’t you think it’s a bit too soon?’ she said. ‘You’ve only been gone a couple of weeks. You don’t know how things will pan out. With her.’
He gave her a sharp look. ‘With who?’
‘Oh come off it, Joel. Do you think I don’t know about Nettie?’
It gave her some small satisfaction to see a flicker of guilt cross his face, but that quickly vanished to be replaced by anger.
‘Bloody Louis, I suppose. I should have known.’
‘Don’t blame Louis! You should have told me about her. Why, Joel? What’s so special about her that you’d throw away your whole family for her? How long’s it been going on? How did it start?’
Now that the subject was out in the open, she wanted to know everything about the affair, despite knowing how much it would hurt her. Maybe because she knew how much it would hurt her.
Joel wasn’t interested in giving her answers, though.
‘Do you honestly think I’m going to stand here talking about this now?’
‘Well, when then?’ she cried desperately. ‘Tell me when and where and I’ll be there. We need to talk!’
‘There’s nothing to talk about,’ he said coldly.
‘Of course there is! This… this fling you’re having—’
‘It isn’t a fling,’ he said quickly. ‘I love her.’
Jenna gulped and stepped back a little. ‘Don’t be stupid. You can’t love her,’ she murmured, feeling like she couldn’t quite catch her breath. ‘You… you think you do, but it’s not real. It’s just a crush.’
‘Oh, grow up, Jenna. I’m way too old to get crushes. Do you really think I’d have left you for someone if I didn’t have genuine feelings for her?’
‘But how can you?’ she whispered, too choked with tears to speak properly.
‘Because she’s funny and smart and undemanding, and she gets me. She doesn’t want me to be something I’m not. She’s pretty, too. Very pretty. I’m sorry.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s just the way I feel. I love her.’
‘But you said you loved me,’ she managed, aware that she was shaking.
‘I did. Once. But the truth is, I don’t think I’ve been in love with you since you had the twins. You’ve not been the same since, and things haven’t been the way they used to be. The way they should be. You changed.’
‘I became a mum.’
‘I became a dad! It didn’t change me!’
‘No,’ Jenna said bitterly. ‘I don’t suppose it did.’
They faced each other without speaking for a moment, then Joel shrugged again. ‘Well, anyway, I’d better be getting back to work. I’ll do my best to be at the twins’ party, although I can’t promise anything. We’ll see.’
Jenna couldn’t reply. She was too afraid that if she spoke, if she moved, she might just throw herself at him and…
And what? Beg him to love her again? Plead with him to admit that he was lying to her about his feelings because he was ashamed of what he’d done?
Claw at his face and tell him how much she hated him?
Tell him that he was the most selfish and uncaring father she’d ever come across and how ashamed she was that she’d given her children a dad so completely unlike her own lovely dad that it broke her heart?
All of it, she supposed. She’d never loved and hated someone at the same time before. Was it really possible?
As she contemplated that, he walked away from her, and she stood for a moment, shivering.
Slowly she became aware of the sound of traffic.
Of workmen nearby digging up a road. Of people hurrying past with bags of shopping.
Of air heavy with the scent of fried food.
Of doors opening and closing, and the sound of music drifting out of a nearby pub, and the laughter and buzz of conversation coming from inside.
The world moving on. How could that even happen?
‘Are we going home now, Mummy?’
Jenna blinked and turned round. Ada had opened her window, and the twins were gazing out at her, concern in their grey eyes – eyes which everyone said were just like her own.
She got into the car and fastened her seatbelt. ‘Close the window, Ada,’ she said as calmly as possible. ‘I’ll put the air conditioning on.’
Somehow she managed to drive out of the car park without mishap and began the drive home to Kelsea Sands.
‘Are you all right, Mummy?’ Ada asked quietly.
Jenna glanced in the mirror and saw them watching her. Too wise and knowing for children who hadn’t yet turned eight. ‘I’m fine,’ she said, managing a smile.
Wasn’t she always fine? What else could she be when she had two young children to care for, a job to hold down, a house to run, bills to pay. And all by herself. Alone.
Joel didn’t love her.
He loved Annette. She was fun. She didn’t make demands. She was pretty.
‘We never saw much of Daddy anyway, did we?’ Hallie said bravely. ‘I don’t expect we’ll miss him much at all really.’
Later, Jenna knew, they would take themselves up to their bedroom and they would talk it over in that adorable way they had of discussing things between themselves, and in all probability, they would cry – or at least, Ada would cry and Hallie would comfort her.
And in all probability, Jenna would probably go up to her own room and cry, too.
But not now. Now she had to pull herself together and get them safely back to Watersmeet.
To her mum.
Home.