Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
JONAH
- Present Day -
“ T alk to me, Farley. What do you need? What are you feeling?”
Our drive home was a silent one. Tears tracked down my beautiful girl’s face as she stared blankly out the window at the dark cityscape while I fought back every instinct to pull the damn car over and kiss those tears away.
That is what I wanted, but it would have been selfish.
She needed a moment to process, to work through whatever thoughts and memories were racing through that brilliant head of hers and to be allowed to let out the overwhelming emotions coursing through her body; by now, I know her well enough to know that much, at least. So rather than giving in to my own overwhelming urge to play hero, I stayed silent, tight grip on the steering wheel as I tried to keep my eyes on the road instead of casting subtle, worried glances in her direction.
But now we’re home, and it’s time to work through whatever concerns she has.
If I had it my way, I would lock the fucker out and throw away the key.
But this isn’t about what I want right now.
It’s about the beautiful woman sitting at the foot of my bed, and what she needs.
I don’t have years of therapy like Sutton has, but even without, it’s obvious to anyone with eyes that she needs to take a risk with that fucker if she ever wants to be able to let go and finally move on with her life.
And dammit, it might just fucking kill me, but I will give her this.
Maybe then she’ll be able to let go and accept how good we can be together, for real.
“I -” She stops herself, hesitating.
“Sutton, look at me.”
My tone is firm, leaving no room for argument. I almost never use her name, and it has the anticipated reaction as she quickly glances up at me.
“I need you to use your words, love. I can’t help you work through this if you don’t talk to me. Did I cross a line? Push you too hard?”
Her mouth opens and closes, no words coming out. With a thick swallow, she shakes her head slowly.
“Your words, Sutton.”
I level a hard look in her direction.
“N-no. I don’t think so.” She states, but it sounds more like a question.
“You don’t think so? Or you know so?”
She shakes her head slowly once more, as if mentally hyping herself up before responding, closing her eyes as she speaks.
“No. It caught me off guard. I. . . the whole thing was unexpected and it threw me off. You didn’t do anything wrong though.” Her words are so soft I can barely hear them, but I nod in acknowledgement of her admission.
“It’s obvious that he still wants you, Sutton. He wants to fuck you; wants a chance with you. Do you want that too?”
A weighted pause fills the air, tension thick between us with words left unspoken.
She doesn’t respond, doesn’t open her eyes to look at me.
That simply won’t do. For all the misery we have been through over the years, we have always been honest with one another.
Painfully so. I take one step forward, then another, before dropping to my knees in front of her, my hands reaching up to cradle her face.
She leans into my touch, my traitorous heart skips a damn beat as a tear falls and I gently sweep my thumb across her cheek, brushing away the salty track.
“Hey. Look at me, love.”
Another tear falls, and she shakes her head, turning away from me as if she’s ashamed. Or maybe afraid.
“I need your eyes, Baby Girl.” Brushing away the moisture marring her beautiful face, I’m met with the doleful baby blues, a watery sheen clouding the sporadic flecks of green and gold, and my heart aches at the sight, my words come out as little more than a whisper. “Talk to me.”
Another jerk of her head sends even more tears spilling down her cheeks, leaving a wet trail that I can’t help but lean in to kiss away.
“Baby, I want to help you, but I can’t do that unless you talk to me.
If you don’t want this, don’t want him, say the word and I will send the fucker away without a second thought, screw the consequences.
But if you do want this. . .” I swallow thickly, choking down the bile burning the back of my throat at the words.
“If you want him . . . all you have to do is ask and I’ll step back.
I know how you felt about him. How you still feel.
But I can’t make this choice for you. It has to be yours. ”
“I- I want. . .” Her voice is trembling, hands shaking as they reach up to grab my own that are framing her face. “I – I’m scared Jonah. I don’t want to lose you. . .”
The admission hits me like a blow to the chest, and I have to fight the urge to rub away the ache. Instead, I tilt her head up, forcing her eyes to meet my own. I say each word slowly, letting myself be vulnerable for once as emotions fill my voice with a confidence I don’t feel at the moment .
“I’m not going anywhere, love. You know how I feel about you, even if you aren’t there too.
I brought you here for selfish reasons, under the pretense of having you be my fake girlfriend.
Truth is, I just couldn’t bear to be on the other side of the country from you for a whole season.
But you already knew that, or you never would have come here in the first place.
I told you how I felt that night in the Serenity Room.
That hasn’t changed, and it isn’t going to. ”
My eyes close briefly, inhaling a shaky breath of my own before looking at her once more.
“So I will say this again. If you want him, all you have to do is say the word. I will back off. There isn’t a contract, you aren’t bound to this agreement or farce of a relationship.
I’ll be right here waiting for you whenever you’ve worked through all this, and I will continue to love you regardless of what you choose.
” My jaw clenches and I fight the urge to grind my teeth.
“Or who you choose. I respect your decision regardless of what it means for me. As much as it might kill me inside, I will always put you first. Because you are a fucking queen and deserve nothing less than everything you want out of life. . . even if it isn’t me.
But Sutton. . . Be selfish for once. Take what you want with both hands, and don’t let go.
You owe yourself that, after all this time. ”
Her watery gaze searches my face, looking for what, I’m not sure.
I just laid my damn heart out for her to take for safe keeping, or to rip to shreds; either way it’s hers.
I sit back on my heels, leaning away as I withdraw my hands to give her some space.
Another tear slips free, but this time I hold back, instead watching it trail a salt-kissed path down her face.
“Say something. Please. Anything.” Rocking back on my heels, I resolve to respect her choice. If she tells me to fuck off right now, then that’s what I will damn well do.
“Can - ”
Her voice is scratchy, and I wait, a ball of anxiety knotting in my stomach as she clears her throat to try again.
“Will you stay. . . with me? Like before?”
She’s choosing him. But what did I expect when I practically pushed her to make this choice?
But now she wants me in the middle of it all.
With the man I can’t stand to be around. The man who had everything I’ve ever wanted and threw it away.
Fuck .
My lips press into a grim line, but I quickly stand, placing a kiss on top of her head, and hoping she didn’t see the shift in my mood.
“Yeah, Farley. I’ve got you.”