36. How Fucking Cute
thirty-six
How Fucking Cute
Leah
O ne week later.
21 Weeks pregnant
I take a couple of deep breaths as I sit in the driveway of my childhood home. Well, the home we moved into when Mom got with Larry.
It looks basically the same.
Maybe they painted? Hell, I don’t know. I spent most of my time trying to get the hell away from this place.
I tried calling to let her know I was coming, but I guess she changed her number. Oh well. At least this way, she can’t give me some bullshit excuse to avoid seeing me. I’m hoping this visit will end in a positive manner, but I don’t know how it’s going to start. It should all be smoothed over when I tell her she’s going to be a grandma, though. She used to always talk about having a house full of grandbabies .
My eyes dart to the front door where a small sign reads: The Hensens.
How fucking cute.
I can’t help but roll my eyes as I step out of the car. The walk to the porch seems to take an eternity.
One final deep breath before I ring the doorbell. I hear a yappy dog barking on the other side followed by the familiar voice of my mom telling the dog to hush.
She opens the door with a chihuahua in hand and looks me up and down like I’m a stranger. I’m not sure she recognizes me until she says, “Leah?”
I give her a small smile. “Hi, Mom.”
The sentiment isn’t returned. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to talk to you.”
She just stares until I ask, “Can I come in?”
It takes an incredible amount of time for her to answer, but finally, she steps out of the way and lets me walk inside.
When she tries putting the dog down, it goes for my ankles, so she picks it right back up.
“Do you want something to drink?” She asks.
“Uh, no thank you,” I say.
“Give me a second to go put Sunny in her crate.”
She walks away, and I take a minute to look around. When I was younger, my mom had very eclectic tastes. There was no rhyme or reason to any of it. There was stuff everywhere.
Now, everything around here is bathed in white and shades of gray, and nothing is out of place. This is all Larry—not my mom. Then again, I haven’t seen her in over a decade. I guess I don’t know what she’s like anymore .
She comes back and stands across the counter from me.
I decided to try to break the tension. “Cute dog.”
“Leah, let’s skip all of this. Why are you here? Do you need money?”
“What? No, I—”
“Because both of your sisters are in gymnastics, and we’re starting to think about college for them, so we don’t have any extra cash.”
I stop her. “Mom, I don’t need money.” I take off my jacket, exposing my pregnant belly.
Her eyes fall on it. “Is this your first?”
The question catches me off guard. “Uh, yes.”
She purses her lips together. “Hm. Figured you would’ve gotten knocked up a few times by now.”
Ouch.
“Nope. This is baby number one.”
She looks at my hands. “I don’t see a ring.”
My sarcasm rides onto the scene. “Yeah, I’m a special case where I was able to get knocked up without the power of a wedding ring. They’re going to study me in a medical journal.”
She rolls her eyes. “I see that mouth of yours hasn’t changed.”
“Not even a little.”
“You still haven’t told me why you’re here.”
“Can we just sit down and talk for a minute?” I plead.
“Fine.” She walks over to the table in the kitchen and sits down.
I follow her and sit down.
I take a deep breath before starting to speak. “Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. More than anything, I want this baby to be surrounded by family. You’re my mom. I’d like to try to repair our relationship.”
“Ironic that you want to repair something that you ultimately broke.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, ready to go on the defensive.
“Leah, you left when you were seventeen.”
Out of habit, I start picking at my fingernails. “Yes, I did. And most mothers would have probably come looking for their daughter.”
“Why? You didn’t like it here. And those last couple years, you were nothing but trouble.”
“You think that I was the only issue in that situation?” I ask.
“Who else would have been to blame?”
I look at her. “Come on. You know who.”
“Larry? The man who came along and made all our dreams come true?”
“Your dream was for him to turn you into a Stepford wife?”
“No, Leah,” she spits. “My dream was to meet a wonderful man who would love and take care of me. A man who would give me the life I always wanted.”
“Mom, I’m happy that you got it. But was life really that bad when it was just you and me? We had some good times, right?”
She looks at me as though I’ve lost my mind. “It was terrible. I was working all the time, and we still had no money. We lived in that crap shack of a house.”
I’ve always looked back at that time in my life as the best part of my childhood. We didn’t have much, but we made the most of it—or at least I thought we did.
I guess Mom didn’t feel the same way .
Since I feel we’re getting off-track, I say, “I didn’t come here to talk about Larry. I came because I want my baby to know her grandmother.”
“Her?”
I rub my belly. “Yeah, it’s a girl. You’re going to have a granddaughter.”
I think for a moment that she’s going to show a hint of warmth.
“Well, lord willing, she won’t turn out anything like her mother.”
Man, right to the gut.
Before I can defend myself, she keeps going. “Actually, you know what? I hope she is just like you. I hope she constantly runs around when she’s a teenager, making you worry constantly. Then, I hope she runs away at seventeen to shack up with her boyfriend. I hope that she shows up at your door knocked up by some loser, and you finally get the chance to show her what a colossal disappointment she has been her whole life.”
Tears sting my eyes. Out of that whole speech, one thing stuck out the most. “I didn’t get knocked up by some loser. His name is Dylan, and he’s the best man I’ve ever met.”
“Forgive me if I don’t trust your taste in men.”
“I’m serious. He’s got a good job and his own house. And he really cares about me. He’ll be a great father,” I defend.
She leans back and crosses her arms over her chest. “Well, that may be true. But I don't care. When you were little, I used to think you were just like me, but as you grew up, I realized you’re just like your piece of shit father. So, why don’t you go darken his doorstep? ”
“I wanted a relationship with my mother.”
She runs her hand over her face. “Leah, as your mother, a part of me will always love you, but I can’t bring your drama back into my life.”
“What drama? I’m doing really great.”
“You’re having a baby out of wedlock, and you look like a degenerate. It took me a while to realize it, but it’s better to just keep some people at a distance.”
I clear my throat to keep my voice from cracking. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of knowing she’s upsetting me. “So, you’d be okay with never seeing me again? You don’t think that someday, you’ll regret that?”
“Leah, I can’t predict the future. Maybe I’ll regret it, but I’ll have to live with my choices. Just like you have to live with yours.”
Knowing this conversation is over, I stand up and quickly put my jacket on.
I just have one more question before I go. “Do you have any pictures of me when I was little? I don’t have any.”
She thinks for a moment. “Hold on.”
I wait while she quickly runs upstairs. She returns with a small shoe box. “Here.”
“Thanks. I’ll make copies and send them back.”
“Don’t bother. I don’t need them back.”
Of course, you don’t.
As I walk through the front door, I turn to look at her. “I’m your daughter.”
“I have two more who I’m very proud of.”
With that, she shuts the door in my face.
Well, that didn’t go like I thought it would.