Chapter Twelve #2
“That’s what I thought,” Luke continued when Asher just blinked at him. “Look, I get it. They’re shitty people who made your life hell, but guess what? You’re not a kid anymore. They can’t hurt you unless you let them.”
“I…you…” It sounded so simple when said like that. “You’re right.”
“Of course, I am.” He unwrapped some turkey and cranberry concoction and slid it across the table. “It’s their new thing for Thanksgiving or whatever. Just try it. ”
“I don’t like—”
“Try. It.”
Obediently, Asher picked up the sandwich and bit into it. Granted, it wasn’t the worst thing he’d ever put in his mouth, but he still hated cranberries.
“Thank you.”
Luke nodded sharply. “You’re welcome.” Settling down in his seat, he pulled his own sandwich toward him and began unwrapping it. “Now, do you want to talk about it? Or are you still feeling sorry for yourself?”
Taking another bite of the—whatever the hell he was eating—Asher chewed slowly and swallowed before answering. “I fucked up.”
“Probably.”
Good to know he had his best friend’s support. “I kind of lost it when my parents ambushed me at the library, and I told Cameron I had to leave.”
Luke cocked his head to one side. “I’m not sure how that means you fucked up. Sounds reasonable to me.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t tell him why . I just…kind of shut down and left.”
“Wait.” Moving to the edge of his chair, Luke waved his hand around dramatically. “So, are you self-medicating with booze because of your parents or because you got into a fight with Cameron?”
Asher gave him a droll stare. “Can’t it be both?”
“Touché. ”
Rising from the chair, he dove back into the tote bag and pulled out two bottles of water. After sliding one to Asher, he paused, looked down at his own bottle, then pushed that across the table as well.
Asher twisted the cap off one without argument and down half the contents before continuing. “Seeing my parents again brought up a lot of shit I thought I was over.”
“I don’t think that’s something you get over, honey. You deal with it. You learn to live with it, but I don’t think it ever goes away.”
No, it didn’t, and that was the problem. He hadn’t dealt with it. He’d just shoved it down into the deepest part of himself and tried to forget it. For a little while, it had even worked.
Asher sighed and reached for his sandwich again, feeling moderately more human now that some of the anger was fading.
He couldn’t count the number of times Luke had saved him from himself over the years.
It couldn’t be easy being his friend, but Luke never wavered.
Anytime Asher needed him, he was there to put things into perspective.
No matter how pissed off and self-destructive Asher was, Luke could always get through to him, always get him to talk.
Just like Cameron, the guy deserved a hell of a lot better than the hell Asher has put him through.
“Thank you, Luke. For everything. ”
Luke nodded, but he didn’t try to minimize it.
“You never have to thank me for helping you, but you’re welcome.
” He stared back at him for a long time, his expression thoughtful.
“Ash, you’re my family, and you know I love you, but you have this really annoying habit of taking your shit out on the people who care about you. ”
Asher winced because he couldn’t deny it. Letting people close to him didn’t come easily, and asking for help was even harder. Being a complete prick to anyone who showed the slightest bit of concern for him, however, came all too easily.
“I’m sorry.”
Luke shook his head. “I know why you do it, but I’m just saying, don’t be surprised if, when you push people away, some of them push back.
” Lifting his sandwich, he used it to gesture at Asher, flinging bits of lettuce over the table in the process.
“In case you were wondering, those are the people worth keeping around.”
It was kind of sad that he was such a complete emotional moron that he needed to have that spelled out for him.
“Okay, so how do I fix this?”
“I’m not sure there’s anything to fix, but you could start by saying you’re sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
Luke threw a pickle at his face. “Not to me, dumbass. ”
Asher grinned for the first time in days. He knew he needed to apologize to Cameron, to explain himself, but it didn’t feel like enough. Unless his actions backed them up, they were just words. They didn’t mean anything.
He was still trying to figure out how to prove to Cameron that he wasn’t a total lost cause when his cell phone began to vibrate in his pocket. Pulling it out, he frowned down at the name on the screen, anxiety making his chest tighten and his heart race.
“Uh, I need to answer this.”
Luke shooed him away with a dismissive flick of his wrist.
Striding out of the kitchen, he slid his thumb across the screen and lifted the phone to his ear as he made his way to the den. “Hello?”
“Hi, Asher, it’s Sarah. I just wanted to check in with you to make sure you’re still coming for dinner tomorrow. We’ll be sitting down about six, but you’re welcome to come early if you want. Say around four?”
“I…uh…” Clearly, Cameron hadn’t told her about their argument. He wasn’t even sure if Cameron would still want him there.
“Asher?” There was a long pause, then, “Are you okay?”
The genuine concern, the real, motherly affection in her voice broke him. “No.” His voice cracked on the single syllable. “I don’t think I am.”
“Tell me what happened. ”
So, he did. He told her everything, beginning with his encounter with his parents.
He told her about the argument on Cameron’s front lawn, about how he’d screwed up—again—and pushed Cameron away when he should have been leaning on him.
He even told her about the world’s saddest pity party he’d been indulging in since then.
“I don’t want to lose him,” he concluded. It was the first time he’d admitted it out loud, and it felt good to say it. “But I don’t want him to stay because he feels obligated.” He sighed. “I don’t know what to do. What’s the right thing to do?”
“Asher, there’s no good answer to that.” She didn’t say it condescendingly.
If anything, she sounded a little sad. “Every relationship is different, but they all take work. Trust is the foundation of any good relationship, but it also takes a lot of communication and compromise. Have you talked to him? Have you asked him what he wants?”
“Not directly,” he admitted, cringing as he said it. Again, it sounded so simple when someone pointed it out to him. “He keeps telling me he’s not going anywhere when I try to bring it up.”
“Well, there you have it. What’s the problem?”
“I don’t want him to get hurt.” While true, it wasn’t the whole of it. “I don’t want to be the reason he gets hurt.”
“I love that boy, but he’s just as stubborn as his father.” A fond chuckle floated over the line. “Cameron has always been very practical, even when he was a little boy. Every decision is considered carefully, all the pros and cons weighed. He used to drive me crazy.”
Now, Asher found himself smiling. That sounded exactly like the Cameron he knew. To hear everyone tell it, Cameron had been born a sensible forty-year-old man and hadn’t changed much since.
“I bet.”
“When he was four, I made the mistake of offering him a choice between white and wheat bread for his peanut butter sandwich. It took him twenty-five minutes, three sheets of paper, and a box of crayons to work it out.”
The only thing he found surprising about the story was that it had only taken twenty-five minutes. “Which one did he choose?”
“Oh, I don’t remember, and that’s not the point I’m trying to make.
” She spoke as if he was a little dense for not getting that.
“What I’m trying to say is that you’re fooling yourself if you think he hasn’t considered this in detail and weighed every possible outcome. He probably has a list somewhere.”
Of that, Asher had no doubt. It was just one of the many quirks he found endearing. “I know.” He carded his fingers through his hair and groaned. “I know . It’s just that we haven’t been together very long, and I worry that this is all too much. ”
“Stop beating yourself up.” The warmth in her voice washed over him, wrapping him the type of motherly affection he’d only ever read about or seen in movies. “You care about him, right?”
“Yes.” The answer came with surprising ease, and it didn’t cause even a splinter of anxiety. It did start that damn fluttering in his chest again, though. “Which is why I don’t want to screw this up.”
To that, Sarah began to laugh, and it took a full ten seconds for her to sober. “You are definitely going to screw up, but so is Cameron. That’s just a part of being with someone. It’s what you do after that counts.”
“So, what you’re saying is that I should probably call him and grovel?”
God, her laughter was infectious. “I’m saying that you need to trust him to know his own heart and mind. This isn’t all on you, Asher. You two are a team now.” Her voice became stern when she added, “Start acting like it.”
Asher ducked his head. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Groveling probably wouldn’t hurt, though.”
A bark of laughter burst from him, and he wished he could reach through the phone and hug her. “Thank you, Sarah.”
“You can call me anytime, okay?”
“I might just take you up on that.”
“Anytime,” she repeated. “I’ll see you tomorrow. ”
She hadn’t really told him anything he didn’t already know, but he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
Some part of him had recognized that Cameron wouldn’t only be with him out of some sense of obligation.
He was aware enough of Cameron’s quirks and compulsive tendencies to know he wouldn’t dive headfirst into a complicated situation without thinking through the consequences.
He’d known, but with his pitiful lack of experience when it came to relationships, he hadn’t trusted himself. What he’d needed was confirmation, someone to validate all those little thoughts and ideas that buzzed around in his head when he tried to fall asleep at night.
Bringing up his messages, he found Cameron’s name and typed out a short text.
Asher: Thank you.
Cameron’s response came back immediately.
Cameron: I thought you could use a friend.
Asher: Friend. Kick in the ass. Same thing.
Cameron: LOL! Well, I hoped it helped.
Then another message came before Asher could type a response .
Cameron: Are you still coming to Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow?
Asher: Yes, I’ll be there.
Cameron: Good. I miss you.
Asher swallowed, and his eyes prickled at the corners. That fucking feeling in his chest returned as his heart pounded hard against his ribs. Only this time, it was accompanied by a flood of warmth and happiness that spread to every cell of his body.
Realization dawned, radiant and shiny and perfect. Christ, he was such an idiot. There wasn’t something wrong with him. Well, nothing wrong except for the fact that it had taken him so long to figure it out.
In his defense, he’d never been in love before, so he felt like he could be excused for not catching on right away.
Asher: I miss you too. I’m so sorry for everything.
Cameron: I’m sorry, too. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Asher grinned. There was a lot more he wanted to tell Cameron, but it wasn’t the kind of thing one said through a series of text messages. He needed to be there, to look Cameron in the eyes when he said them.
Asher: See you tomorrow .
Which gave him a little over twenty-four hours to prepare for the most important conversation of his life.