37. Elle
God, I wish he would leave go back to Gracefield and forget about me and our night together. Not that I could forget, and not just because of the baby inside me reminding me every second of the day. I could not forget because I could still feel his hands on my body, his warm breath on my skin. The sounds he made were programmed into my ears, each moan and groan played like a tape on repeat. Late at night in bed, at work during the day, even walking to the school to pick up Miracle. I heard the soundtrack of our lovemaking all the time, making it impossible to wipe it from my mind and dreams.
All the paramedics in Australia why did it have to be my baby daddy? I knew it was too much of a coincidence. Judd was not a common name and my luck with men was pathetic so seeing him with Josh last night was more than a shock it was a freaking nightmare.
It was the worst timing for him to turn up if not at all. My options were limited because there was no way I was terminating my child. I had already decided to take the next eight months to way up if I was going to go with adoption or be a mumma. I wish I had that natural instinct of a mum, like I told my mother, being an aunt was wonderful but still I was hesitant to raise a child myself and by myself.
What was not going to help me decide is Judd being in Blessings. I meant it when I said I didn’t want the father involved. It sounded mean spirited and nasty, but I had enough with men drama in my life. Enough of being treated like shit, a forgotten piece of meat. Jake stayed with me after our love died for the convenience, an easy life. To come and go as he pleased, blaming his cheating on my lack of desire for him. He called me a frigid bitch on more than one occasion. I kept the hurt to myself, kept my mask on so he could never see that his cruelty got to me.
It did though.
If Judd knows I’m pregnant he will want to do the right thing for appearances sake, to save face for knocking me up from a one night hook up.
Gisele and Claudia already told me how honourable he was, after all he was looking after his little brother. Taking on the father role, doing the right thing.
Damn he looked good doing the whole medical thing on Claudia though, and I hated the rush of jealousy I felt when he held her ankle in his hands then then he lifted her shirt to examine her belly I nearly busted a gasket inside. It was the first time I ever felt envy towards my sister.
Seeing him again after all this time just affirmed that I was not over him. That our night together was so much more than I pretended it to be to my sisters. I talked big but that was all it was. Talk. The truth was I fell in love that night, maybe even before he took me upstairs to his room and made love to me all night.
Talking with him at the bar had been easy, comfortable and for a while there I let down my guard to be myself. It felt strange but it also felt right. Judd made me feel that way.
That is why he could not stay in Blessings. My days of sharing my heart with a man were over, the trust was gone. Jake destroyed that part of me.
None of this was Judd’s fault but he had to be part of the solution. Blessings simply was not big enough for both of us.
I knew he wanted to talk to me at Claudia and Josh’s tonight, his eyes followed me all around the room. One time it got too much for me I had to turn my back on him, I completely forgot about the unconscious habit of touching my belly. Judd looked right at me, and I felt my stomach drop. I ended up making an excuse about being tired from our walk and high tailed it out of there.
Now that it was certain that Claudia was okay and the baby was okay, I had to confront Judd without an audience and definitely without Gisele. As much as I loved her that girl was a walking talking disaster in a topic sensitive situation. Well, most situation but to love Gisele was to accept her crazy.
The fifteen minute shower I had when I got home helped with the chill in my body, enough that I was considering confronting Judd now while my family is preoccupied with Claudia. Gisele texted me not long after my shower to tell me she and Miracle were now warm and had full bellies and were about to curl up on the couch with Jami to watch a movie, she invited me to come over, but I declined letting them have some family time. Jami was very protective of his girls, and even though none of us were in any real danger today the sensible cop was being trumped by the loving fiancé.
I did not begrudge Gisele or Jami wanting to have time together, I was envious and jealous sure, it was not like I enjoyed being alone all time. I guess sometimes it got to me when I saw how loving my two brothers-in-laws were towards my sisters, especially tonight.
“Bugger it, I need to do this before I chicken out,” I said aloud, determinedly. Taking a few minutes to put on my shoes a coat, scarf and beanie, I grabbed my keys then raced to the door only to stop suddenly when a pain shot across my lower abdomen, the intensity of it nearly buckling me at the knees.
“Whoa! Shit on a brick,” I muttered, wrapping my arms around my belly taking in long deep breathes.
Leaning against the wall in the foyer for support, I stood there waiting out the pain. Luckly, it faded quickly, my mind reeling with what it could be and mean.
“Too much hot chocolate hey tummy?” Patting my stomach, it gurgled in response making me believe it had to be the three milky and sugary drinks I downed in quick succession at Claudia’s place.
“Right, sticking to tea for the foreseeable future,” I decided then shook my head ruefully when I realised, I was talking out loud to myself again.
This baby is going to either love or hate my voice by the end.
“Okay let’s do this.” Reaching for the door handle, I braced myself against the cold with new a found conviction.
Judd’s rental belonged to my parents, so I knew which one he was renting. I did most of the accounts for that side of their business, so nothing went on without me knowing about it.
Funnily enough the house was my favourite of all the houses in Blessings. It was much the same as mine, a Queenslander but all the rooms on one level. It was not as high off the ground as the rest like Claude’s and Gisele’s. I was not a fan of steps or lugging bags of groceries up them constantly, nor did I like tripping down them in the middle of the night when I needed a potty break.
The night was still freezing but thankfully the rain had stopped an hour ago, leaving the sky clear for star gazing, an activity I enjoyed immensely but tonight however, there was no joy in the sky for me. My stomach was churning with nerves coming face to face with Judd alone, but the stakes were too high to postpone this talk.
Reaching the house and out of puff from the brisk walk and the cold temperature, I trudged up the path to the staircase that lead up to the front door.
Stealing my nerves, I knocked loudly then stood back and waited for the inevitable, my hands shaking so bad I had to lock them together in front of me.
What the hell was I doing?—
Suddenly the door opened and the little boy that had been at Claudia’s earlier appeared.
“Hey Hudson,” I signed and spoke.
“Hey, you are Elle, right?” he signed at a rapid speed. But not fast enough that I could not keep up with him. Nodding I gave him a genuine smile. He was a mini clone of his brother, same eyes, same dark hair.
“Is Judd home?” getting a small thrill by signing his name for the first time.
Idiot.
As if I conjured him up just by speaking his name, Judd appeared behind Hudson a tea towel slung over one shoulder the smell of homemade lasagne filling my nostrils.
So, he can cook too.
“Elle?” he said looking bewildered to see me standing on his porch.
“Judd, can we talk please?” I asked taking everything inside me to keep my voice calm and neutral especially when saying his name.
“Ah sure,” he answered, looking at his brother then at me.
“Come in, please,” he offered but I shook my head.
“Can we please just talk out here?” If I went inside that would be bad. Smelling him was one thing going into a house that had not only his scent, but his possessions too was way too much, too intimate. I had to keep this as impersonal as possible, if that was even possible considering carrying a man’s baby was about as intimate as you can get.
Staring at me for a few seconds, his jaw twitching and his eyes narrowed at me, Judd finally dropped is head in defeat.
Touching his brother on the shoulder he got Hudson’s attention.
“Buddy want to go inside and unpack a few more boxes while I have a chat with Ms Blessing, please.” His signing was flawless and fast, and I could not help but be impressed.
Hudson simply nodded turned and waved happily at me.
“See ya little man, have a good night.” I signed smiling at him.
Walking down the hall Hudson disappeared before Judd walked out the door and closed it softly behind him. He stood a foot away from me saying absolutely nothing waiting for me.
Fine, I can accept that.
“Listen Judd, you can’t live in Blessings.” I said matter-of-factly, not beating around the bush. I could not afford to.
“Oh, and why is that Elle?” he asked in a lazy tone, but I detected his anger behind it.
Why on earth would he have to be angry about for cripe’s sake!
“Isn’t it obvious! We hooked up once and we agreed that was all.”
Raising his brow at me, Judd’s lips curled into a grimace. “Oh, we agreed, did we? Funny I don’t recall that conversation. We agreed no last names then the next morning my hotel room held no proof you had even been there for fuck sake,” he shouted at me without actually raising his voice. Now that was an impressive skill to have but it still rankled me.
“Don’t you swear at me buddy boy,” I warned shaking a finger at him, “I have gone up against the toughest and I do not scare easily. Just so you know.”
“I do not want to scare you Elle,” Judd argued sounding more frustrated now, “shit how am I supposed to act after five weeks of wondering where the hell you went, what your last name is so I could find you.”
“Find me? Why would you want to find me?” My voice quivered and croaked at that. He wanted to find me. My mind reeled with that nugget, as my heart thumped wildly in my chest.
Judd stepped closer to me, so close I could smell his minty toothpaste and his musky cologne. It was both wonderful and disconcerting to have him so close to me, so close if I wanted, I could reach out and thread my fingers through his hair … if I wanted to which I didn’t. Right?
“Don’t you dare stand there and tell me you didn’t feel the same electricity between us that night, Elle. You can lie to some people, but not me. I see in your beautiful blue eyes you feel something for me. I saw it that night, I saw it at Claudia and Josh’s place, and I see it now.”
His confidence and insight pissed me off. How dare he presume to know how I feel, how I felt that night with him.
“It was sex, just sex!” I shouted, annoyed that he knew me so well already.
“Bullshit it was just sex,” Judd countered his face turning red. “Tell me right now right here you only wanted a root and that’s all it was to you, and I will go inside and never see you again. Go on Elle tell me,” he goaded me, his lips so close I could almost remember the way they tasted when we —
No! I did not want to go there, remember all the wonderful, amazing and fantastic things he did to me that night. One night. It was meant to be one night, one night of love and passion then go home. Not a lifetime of memories, becoming parents, being together and living happily ever after.
I was not that woman. I did not have happily ever after or anything else that involved matters of the heart.
My heart was broken beyond repair, shattered into a million of pieces. Buried in my backyard like Dutch was.
Yet I couldn’t do as he asked, I could not for the life of me get the words to formulate on my tongue, I hated that but what I hated more was he was right.
I did have feelings for him, but I didn’t want to.
How did I get myself into this mess.
Before I lost all control and threw myself in his arms, my flight or fight instinct kicked in.
Flight won out.
Spinning on my heels, I went to the stairs when a sharp pain stopped me mid step. This time it was different than the one at home ten minutes before, this one did knock my knees from out under me.
“Ohhh, ooohh, that … shit!” I screamed clutching my stomach in severe pain.
“Elle!” Judd shouted dropping down next to me.
My belly clenched painfully, down lower it was even worse. It was excruciating, sweat beaded on my upper lip, my breath coming out in heavy pants.
“Judd!” I screamed, then I felt a heavy cramping in my abdomen like a vice was squeezing me from either side. This was too much pain for overindulging in milk drinks, this was something very bad.
“Oh God, no, no, no!” I wailed realisation dawning on me like a tonne of bricks.
“Elle, Elle, Elle, Firecracker, talk to me, tell me where it hurts,” Judd begged me, and somewhere in the back of my brain I recognised he was panicking. He wasn’t the paramedic he was earlier with Claudia.
Memories of my sisters miscarriage flooded me. Her pain, her screaming begging Josh to save their baby.
I don’t know how I knew but I did.
I was losing my baby.
Judd’s baby.
Doubling over when another harsh cramp jabbed through my lower belly, I reached out and clutched Judd’s sleeve, panic overriding my common sense.
“Our baby,” I cried, tears streaming down my face, blurring my vison.
Judd’s face turned white, he reeled back on his haunches, “What … what … how long have you known?” he asked me but answering was not possible. Nor did I want to.
“I think I’m losing our baby, Judd,” I told him, more scared than I have ever been in my life. For so long I refused to accept having a child, being a mother but now, when it is being ripped from me, I wanted it more than I wanted anything before.
“Oh God, no, no, no, please no.” Judd chanted, getting to his feet, picking me up in his arms and bursting into the house.
“I’m so sorry Judd, so sorry, I failed Judd, it’s all my fault, God knew I wasn’t worthy.” I rambled through the pain, giving away far too much of me to Judd before my world went black right there in Judd’s arms.
The last thing I heard was Judd screaming my name before the pain was not there anymore.