23. Mary
Chapter 23
Mary
Do I? I know exactly how he sounds when he comes undone. That he’s always eating the vegetables before the meat, something about better digestion, or that while he’s working, his face turns emotionless, a complete contrast to how his face and eyes seem to light up when he sees me. But am I?
“I don’t… I don’t know. Connor’s pretty private. I don’t really know anything about his personal life.”
Not a lie, because I don’t even know where he is right now. For all I know, he could be fucking Sophie right now.
“Oooh, so mysterious!” Sara croons. “Oh, Sophie just wrote. She’ll be joining soon. You think she’ll bring Mr. IT with her?”
Connor wouldn’t do that, would he?
Jill shrugs, her attention already wandering. “Don’t care. More for us.”
My stomach churns as I stare into my drink. The alcohol isn’t helping, but I can’t stop sipping. There’s this sick feeling rising in my gut.
I stand up abruptly, the room spinning. I need air. Now.
Clutching my purse, I take a step, and my heel catches on the leg of the table. I stumble forward, barely catching myself on the edge before I faceplant into the floor.
“Whoa, easy there!” Tom is at my side in an instant, his hand gripping my elbow to steady me. I try to tug my arm away but nearly lose my balance again.
“I’m fine.” I sag against him. God, this is humiliating.
“Yeah, sure you are.” Tom holds onto me. “You should head home and get some rest.”
I shake my head, immediately regretting it when the room tilts dangerously. I pat my roiling stomach, willing it to settle.
“I just… I just need some air.”
Tom doesn’t let go, his fingers curled firmly around my arm as he guides me toward the exit. I’m too dizzy and nauseated to protest, letting him support me through the crowded room.
“I’ll call a cab. You’ve had too much to drink.”
“I’m not that drunk!”
“Jill, a little help, please.” Tom stops near the exit.
Seconds later, Jill appears beside me. “Come on, we’ll share a cab.”
My phone vibrates, and I rummage through my bag in haste. Fumbling to retrieve it, I stumble, but he stabilizes me with his arm around my waist .
“Careful.”
“Thanks.” I squint at the screen. C-Connor. I hit the accept button right away. “Where are you?”
On the other end of the line, Connor chuckles softly. “Miss me?”
“No.” I pout, aware of how petty I sound. “Where were you?”
“You sound drunk.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“Blue.” All traces of the teasing tone in his voice are gone. “Who’s that man with you?”
“No one important.” I get out of Tom’s hold. “Wait. How—”
He sighs. “Stay where you are.”
“Connor, wait—” I stare at my phone, dumbfounded. Did he really just hang up on me?
“Everything alright?” Tom gives me a questioning glance.
I nod, shoving my phone into my purse.
“The cab’s here,” Jill says. “Let’s go.”
“I’ll take her home.” Connor appears beside Jill, materializing out of thin air.
“Connor!” Jill’s face lights up when she sees him, her eyes twinkling as she gives him a flirtatious smile. “I didn’t know you were here tonight.”
“Just arrived.”
“That’s interesting. Did you come with Sophie?” She places a hand casually on his arm, but he doesn’t even glance in her direction, his focus entirely on me.
Tom shifts with his feet.
“Let’s go.” Connor takes my hand firmly in his, leading me away without another word. I give Jill and Tom an apologetic smile over my shoulder.
“Oh, uh, goodbye then!” Jill calls after us, and Tom simply nods.
Once outside, Connor sweeps me into his arms, completely catching me off guard. I let out a small gasp, grabbing his shoulders as he carries me to a sleek black car.
“I can walk.”
He doesn’t respond. His jaw is set as he opens the passenger door and carefully places me on the leather seat.
As he shuts the door and walks over to the driver’s side, I try to compose myself, brushing stray hairs out of my face. I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol still in my system or simply being near him, but my skin is tingling, and I’m horny.
Connor eases into the seat beside me, turning the ignition key. The engine rumbles to life and soon we are cruising through the darkened streets. I sneak glances at his handsome profile, taking in his furrowed brow and the hard set of his mouth. The tribal like tattoos peeking out from under his shirt sleeves. A wholly different breed from the men my family tried to set me up with .
Mhm. He seems angry, but why? Is it because I came to the party tonight without him? But he didn’t answer my texts or calls. I even searched for him. So it’s not my fault.
“Drink this.” A little bottle of water appears before me. “You’ll feel better.”
“Thanks.” I take and drink half of it. “Your tattoos… What are they?”
“Waves. Ocean waves.” He doesn’t take his eyes off the road.
“Oh.” I fidget with the water bottle. “What do they mean?”
His jaw tightens almost imperceptibly. “Another time.”
I shouldn’t have asked. He’s already pissed off about something, and here I am, probably annoying him even more with my drunk babbling.
Why do I always have to be so curious? He clearly doesn’t want to talk about it. And why should he? It’s not like we’re anything. We’re just fucking. No strings attached.
But then why does it feel like there are strings? Why does it hurt when he shuts me out like this?
I take another sip of water, trying to swallow past the lump in my throat. I should just keep my mouth shut. Let him take me home, sleep it off, and pretend this never happened.
But I can’t. Because as much as I try to deny it, I want more. I want him to open up to me, to let me in. I want to know what those tattoos mean, what he’s thinking and why he seems angry.
I want him to want me, not just my body.
Does he want more with Sophie ?
The radio plays softly in the background, some indie song with lyrics about lost loves and broken hearts. Rather than enduring painfully accurate ballads, I opt for silence by turning off the music.
“What are you thinking?” Connor glances sideways at me.
“Nothing.” Truthfully, there are countless things running through my mind. At the forefront, Sophie and him.
“It must be something if you look ready to cry.”
I pout. “I don’t look like that.”
“I know you better than that. Talk to me.”
“Really, it’s nothing.”
“Fine. If you don’t want to talk to me, at least talk to your friends about it. I won’t peek, promise. My eyes will stay there.” He points toward the street.
I don’t need to because I know what they would say. Ask him.
“Are you sleeping with other women?” The words tumble out before I can stop them, born of whiskey-fueled jealousy and doubt.
“Why would you think that?” His tone is deceptively mild.
The question has been asked. I can’t take it back now.
“It’s just… I heard some things about you.”
“From who? That guy who was all over you?”
“No.” I sink further into my seat. “The other women. They talk about you.”
“What exactly are they saying? ”
“That you and Sophie are… close.” I hate how vulnerable I sound.
“And you believe them?” His lips thin into a hard line. “You think I would do that?”
“No!” I throw my hands in the air. “I mean, I don’t know. We never said we were exclusive.” My throat tightens. If he says no… I don’t know if I can bear it. I fidget with the strap of my purse. “I just thought, since we…”
Since we had sex. Since you fucked me countless times at different places like I was the only thing in the world that mattered, you’d only want me. That I’m enough.
“Since we what?” he asks.
“Nothing. Never mind.”
“Say it.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Since we fucked?” His grip tightens on the wheel. “Is that what you were going to say?”
I flinch at his crudeness, blinking back the sting of tears. My chest aches, and I don’t know why. This feels wrong.
“Forget it. Forget I said anything. I drank too mu—”
“Answer me.” His voice brooks no argument.
Can’t I disappear into thin air right now?
“Yes. Since we slept together,” I say.
“And do you want to fuck other men?” His knuckles turn white grasping the wheel harder.
“No, of course not.” The word bursts out of me in a soft cry.
“Good. You’re mine. And I don’t share. ”
“So, do I have to share?”
The muscles in his jaw clench and unclench as he grits his teeth. “No. You don’t have to share me.”
Sophie was lying. That’s good to know, but…
“But you didn’t deny that there were… that you’ve been with other women from the office?”
“I didn’t say that either.” His eyes flick to me briefly. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Blue.”
I bristle at the nickname. “Well, what are you saying, then? What is this, Connor? Friends with benefits? A fling? Just sex?”
“It’s not just sex!”
“But it’s not a relationship either? Is it? Hiding in supply closets? Is that your definition of a healthy relationship? Am I a convenient distraction for you?”
“You are not, and will never be, just a distraction to me. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
The car slows to a stop.
I stare at the chipped nail polish and faint calluses on my hands in my lap. “What are we doing?”
“I don’t know.” He stares straight ahead. “I don’t know what we’re doing or where this is going. But I know I don’t want anyone else touching you, and I won’t touch anyone else. I know I think about you all the damn time. And I know being with you feels right. Even when it’s complicated. Even when it’s messy.” He turns to me then, eyes pleading. “Isn’t that enough for now? ”
How can it be enough when I don’t even know what this is?
“Blue? You still with me?”
I nod, not quite ready to face him. If I do, I might crumble.
“Talk to me.” His tone is gentle but firm. “I can see the wheels turning in that pretty head of yours.”
I let out a shaky laugh.
This whole messed-up situation is enough to make my head spin. Am I supposed to just accept his vague, half-assed explanation? The rumors, the secrecy, his hot and cold act.
“I’m a mess. I’m sorry. I’m just…”
“Just what?”
“I don’t know. Will you leave after you have your fill?”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because I once believed he wouldn’t. But he did.”
“You’re not still hung up on some other guy, are you?”
“No. I know it probably sounds stupid.” I give a brittle laugh. “Falling for someone I barely know. But Chris just got me, you know?” Connor opens his mouth, but I barrel on, the alcohol loosening my tongue. “I mean, look at me. Little Miss Sunshine, always smiling, never letting anyone see how screwed up I am inside. But Chris saw it. He didn’t try to fix me or judge me. He just accepted me.”
“Do you still love him?”
“No, I-I—” I swipe at the tears streaking my mascara. “Everything felt so good, so right when we met. He made me feel special, just like you. We could have gotten serious, you know? Just like now, and I’m scared… ”
A pause hangs heavy in the air, thickening until it becomes suffocating.
His voice is low and rough. “But he left.” Almost pained.
Yes, he did. “I don’t want to go through this again. So if there’s even an inch of you hesitating…”
Connor’s jaw works, but he stays silent. Rain droplets fall onto the windshield.
Out of nowhere, he forcefully pounds his fist on the wheel. I gasp, recoiling against the door.
“Look.” He enunciates each syllable clearly so that I understand exactly what he’s saying. “I think it would be best if we stopped mixing work and pleasure.”
Did he really just say that? After everything we shared? All those late-night talks and early mornings spent cuddled together on my couch? Was it all for nothing?
I hit his shoulder, tears spilling down my cheeks. “So that’s it? You just used me for sex, and now you’re throwing me out like trash?”
“You’re putting words in my mouth again.”
“Yes, I am because you won’t tell me a reason. So why?”
His expression turns cold. Emotionless.
I did this.
“Connor, please don’t—”
“Get out of the car, Mary.”
Mary. I’m not even Blue anymore.
What would a man like him want with a girl like me, anyway? I’m boring .
I grab the door handle with a sob, yanking it open. But I pause on the edge of the seat, searching his stony profile for any sign of softness. Finding none, I scramble out into the rain.
The door slams behind me as Connor speeds away from the curb. I’m left standing alone on the sidewalk, cold and drenched to the bone. But the chill seeping into my bones is nothing compared to the ache in my chest. I’ve lost him, just like I lost everything that matters.
Better now than later, right?